Pam’s Replacement
Written By: Allison Silverman Directed By: Matt Sohn Transcribed By: Admin [Andy walks out of his office to Erin at reception] Andy: Erin. Erin: Yeah? Andy: Hey. In two minutes, I want you to come into this meeting and tell me that I have a really important phone call. I'm not gonna take it. Because I want him to know how important the meeting is to me. Erin: Who's calling? Andy: Nobody. Just say that I’m--Just make it up that I have a phone call. And then I'm gonna refuse to take it. Erin: You're not gonna take it-- Andy: Just make up a phone call. It's not a real call. Erin: Oh. Andy: Just make it up. Erin: Oh, okay. Andy: And then come and tell me. Erin: Okay. Andy: It doesn't matter what it is. Erin: You're not gonna get it though? Andy: I'm not gonna take it. And then he's going to be like, "whoa, this is a really important meeting". Erin: Copy that. Andy: Okay. [Andy walks back into his office] Andy: Okay, so tell me exactly what kind of deal you are getting now, and I'll tell you how we can beat it. Client: Uh, well, we've been going with a— [Erin enters] Erin: Andy. Andy: Yeah. Erin: You have a very important call. Andy: I'm sorry. I'm with a very important client. It'll have to wait. Erin: Are you sure? It's really, really important. Andy: There is nothing more important to me right now than this meeting. Erin: Really? Because your mother is dead. Client: Oh, my God. Andy: I don't think she's dead. Erin: She's dead. She was hit by a bus. Andy: She's not dead. This is exactly the kind of thing my mom pulls. Erin: This isn't one of those times. It's the police. They said it's the worst they've ever seen. [Dwight enters Andy’s office] Dwight: Andy, I'm really sorry about your mother. My deepest condolences. Client: Oh, you must take this call. It’s... Andy: Yeah. Um, line 1? Erin: Line 2. Andy: Hi. Darryl: [on phone] It's Darryl. Erin told me to pretend to be a cop and say your mom died. Andy: Oh… gosh… Darryl: Dude. Andy: Thank you, Officer. Darryl: Look, man, this is a bad idea. Andy: Did she have any last words or-- Darryl: Really? That is messed up, man. Andy: Oh, make sure that your client gets the best deal possible. Darryl: You're a bad man, Andy Bernard. Andy: That is so mom. Darryl: That stuff can come back to get you. It's called karma. You do not want to be messing around. I got an uncle-- Andy: Alright, thank you officer. Erin, please hold all my other calls. Where were we? Pam: Hey Cathy. Cathy: Hi. Pam: How's it going? Everything make sense? Cathy: I think everything is under control. Pam: Great. Cathy: You should sit down. Pam: Oh no, I'm fine. Cathy: No, I should go fill out my paperwork. Pam: Okay. [squeaking sound] Oh, that was just me. Pregnant Pam. And I make sounds much worse than this. Dwight: Oh, we know. Pam: I'm training a temp to be my replacement while I'm on maternity leave. Oh, I should've mentioned I'm pregnant. You probably didn't notice because it's impossible to tell I'm so small. But yeah, I'm pregnant. [another squeak] Oh come on! Ryan: Hey - asking for a friend. Do you happen to know if that new girl is single? Jim: Hmm. Doubt it. Ryan: Yeah, me too. Pam: You doubt it? Jim: What's that? Pam: Why do you doubt that she's single? Jim: Honestly, I have no idea. I just figured we'd save her from Ryan, right? Darryl: What are you doing with my lunch? Andy: I'm delivering it from the fridge. It's like a porno. Hey, did anyone order a pizza? Darryl: It's not pizza. Andy: Yeah, and we're not about to make love. I just thought maybe you'd want to eat lunch at your desk today so that during lunch we could go down to the warehouse and bang out a few tunes. Darryl: I like the sound of that. Is Kevin in? Andy: Uh you tell me [Kevin playing drums with chicken legs] Ryan: So, word on the street is she has a boyfriend. Gabe: Well, he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just uh get her hooked-on blow. Toby: It's going to be nice to have just a healthy, young, fit presence in the middle of the office. Oscar: Yeah, aesthetically speaking she adds a nice presence. Offscreen: Good energy Pam: It's going to be good to have someone hot at Pam's desk huh? Oscar: No, no. Not even. Pam: I'm kidding! Oh my gosh you guys! She's obviously super cute I get it. But I'd like to point out there's 50 pounds more of me to love if that's your thing. Oscar: Pam, you look more beautiful now than ever. Toby: Radiant. Pam: Thank you. Really you guys thank you. Very sweet. Phyllis: Yeah, you have this sexy glow. Gabe: It's one of the most common fetishes. Pam: Really well thank you all. Toby: You know it’s not just pregnant women who don’t get their due. You know who’s gorgeous? Helen Mirren. Ryan: Yes! Have you seen her in a bikini? Amazing? Toby: You know what would be the hottest thing ever? It’s a pregnant Helen Mirren. [everyone agrees] Dwight: Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no. This is disgusting. You realize what you’re saying? The hottest thing ever would be a 66-year-old pregnant woman. Oscar: In this case, yes. Dwight: No! There are universal biological standards of beauty and attraction. And you are purposefully celebrating the opposite of them to mollycoddle a pregnant woman. Phyllis: No were not. Dwight: Yes, you are. And another thing. Helen Mirren was born Helen Mironov. That's right. You’re fake salivating over a Soviet era Russian. Andy: [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray. Darryl: Nice scatting, man. Andy: Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point. Val: Not bad fellas, you’re better than you look. Kevin: Hey, screw you! Andy: [sees Robert California enter] Hey Robert, are we meeting early? Robert: Just taking a stroll. What exactly have I stumbled upon here? Andy: Well, we’re all musicians and we play together sometimes. Robert: You’re a band. Andy: Thank you. Kevin: We’re called Kevin and the Zits. Darryl: That was never agreed upon. Robert: I miss being in a band. Andy: Miss no more! What do you play? Join us! Kevin: I have a tambourine. Robert: Tambourine? You know I’m the CEO, right? Andy: [to Kevin] CEOs don’t play tambourines. Tambourines are for girlfriends. Robert: I play harmonica. I think I have one in the car. Andy: Great! Kevin: Nice guys, Robert is going to be a Zit! Darryl: Again, never agreed upon. Andy: I had totally given up on hanging out with Robert California and now he wants to be in our band! And when you’re in a rock and roll band with somebody, you’re bonded for life! Darryl: Usually that life is short and tragic. That’s okay, right? Andy: Yeah, even cooler. Kevin: We all got to go sometime. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Helen Mirren. Hot? Jim: Yeah. Super pretty. Pam: Huh. What about Cathy? Jim: The temp? Pam: Yeah. Do you think she’s hot? Jim: Nope. Pam: I’m not asking if you’re into her. Just, objectively, do you find her attractive? Jim: And I’m telling you, I don’t. Pam: You don’t find Cathy attractive? Jim: No, I don’t. Jim: No, I’m not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I’m not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It’s true, but it doesn’t help anybody. Pam: Look at her. Even I want some fries with that shake. Jim: Okay. Uh, I don’t. So, are we good? [Jim leaves] Dwight: That’s just absurd. Pam: Yes, because she’s hot, right? Dwight: Her breasts are large, her waist is small, her reproductive health in ample evidence. And facial symmetry- come on. Pam: The thing about pregnancy is people treat you differently. Like you’re a kid almost. They lose all sense of boundaries. They start acting weird, telling you things that clearly aren’t true. I know it sounds nuts, but I think Dwight is the only one who’s telling me the truth. Pam: Dwight, am I hot right now? Dwight: Why would I or anyone else think that you’re hot right now? I can’t impregnate you, and that’s the driving force between male-female attraction. Pam: What about before? Was I attractive before? Dwight: Meh… you were at your most attractive when you were 24 with a slight, gradual decline and a steep drop-off when you got pregnant for the first time. Gradual recovery and, uh, well now, obviously, you’re at an all-time low. Pam: Hmm. I think Jims lying to me about not being attracted to Cathy. Dwight: You think Jims lying? [laughs] That’s so cute. I know he’s lying. Pam: Five bucks if you can get him to admit it. Dwight: Done. [Pam goes for a high five] I never touch a pregnant woman. Pam: Yep, that’s the Dwight I need. Dwight: If we’re going to work together, we need some ground rules. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Rule one: our only loyalty is to the truth. Pam: I think so. Okay. Dwight: Rule two: we stop at nothing. Pam: Well, what does that… is that… okay. Dwight: Rule three: Don’t fall in love. Pam: Yep, good. Dwight: We’re gonna bust this guy. Pam: Honesty is very important to me. Dwight: So important. And then we will destroy the man himself. Pam: Let’s just see how we feel when we get there. Kelly: Well, you came to the right person. You have to follow your intuition, Pam. You don’t want to end up like Elin Nordegren. Actually, what am I saying, you wish you had her life- no offense, Pam. Dwight: None taken. What do you got? Kelly: It is called the matchmaker test, and it is very powerful. Basically, we have Pam ask Jim which of his friends he would set up with Cathy. If Jim picks a really hot friend, then we know that he thinks that Cathy’s hot. Pam: Hmm. Robert: [to the keyboardist, Curtis, and the drummer] Hey, you found us! Curtis: You guys sound great, man. Robert: Darryl, Andy, Kevin, this is Curtis Dorough, local musician and the officiate at my wedding. Darryl: Local musician? Local legend! I used to come hear you play every week at the Deerhead. Kevin: [to drummer] Dude, you’re on TV! You’re the sportscaster on channel seven. Drummer: Go Eagles! [laughs] Kevin: You do that on TV! Robert: You guys’ mind if they join us? Andy: Yeah, absolutely! Kevin: Guys, I’ve got some instruments right here. [holds up tambourine and güiro] Darryl: Hey, why don’t you and me play those? Kevin: Yeah? Okay, this is awesome. Robert: What should we play? Kevin: Maybe we should warm up with some scales? Robert: Midnight Rambler? Curtis: Yeah. Andy: Midnight what? Curtis: [singing] Have you heard about the midnight rambler? [Lisa, the guitarist, enters] Hey, come on in, baby. Yeah! Pam: Hey, I was talking to Cathy. Turns out she is single. Jim: Oh, I stand corrected. Pam: I thought it might be fun to set her up with someone. Any ideas? Jim: Oh, you know who might be good? Mike Tibbets. Pam: Mike Tibbets, really? Jim: Mm-hmm. Ryan: Hey, who’s this Mike Tibbets guy? What kind of car does he drive? Jim: Not his mom’s car. Ryan: Yeah, ’cause his mom’s car’s probably not a Nissan Z. Jim: Touche? Kelly: [sees photo of Mike Tibbets] Eww! Pam: Kelly, calm down. Kelly: I mean, I guess he’d be okay with hair. Okay, you should see if he’ll get hair plugs. Pam: I don’t think Jim cares about his hair. Kelly: Yeah, but I do Pam, okay? It’s called being a nice person. Dwight: I don’t see what’s so ugly about him. He’s got the broad face of a brewer. Pam: Jim’s on to me. Dwight: Hmm? Pam: Yeah, Jim barely talks to Mike. We had to go through like two levels of friends to even find his profile. Jim picked someone just unattractive enough to shut me up without tipping it. Dwight: Just ugly enough to have deniability. Pam: Yep. Jim: Mike Tibbets is like the most boring-looking guy I know. So, if that was for the matchmaker test, I think I’m in the clear. If that wasn’t for the matchmaker test, then… Cathy, he’s a really nice guy. Dwight: Well, Jim may be lying with his words, but he can’t lie with his body. Kelly: I’m gonna write something mean on his wall. Pam: No, Kelly, don’t. Dwight: The male reveals attraction through unconscious and involuntary physical signs. The puffing of the chest, mirroring, increased blood flow to the crotch. I say we start there. Pam and Kelly: With the crotch? Dwight: With the crotch. Kevin: [music plays] Whoo! Dwight: Psst. We’re not here. [slips Toblerone candy to Creed] Creed: Who said that? Dwight: Exactly. Creed: How’d I get this long triangle? Dwight: Okay, just shut it. Pam: Is he puffing out his chest? Dwight: I can’t tell. It’s unnaturally sunken. [Jim says something and Cathy laughs] Busted. He just was mirroring. Did you see that? Pam: No. Maybe he just said something funny. Dwight: Jim has no discernible sense of humour, Pam. You should know that. Pam: I think he’s just making her laugh. Dwight: Time for me to find out. Pam: Why’s he making her laugh so much? Dwight: Just going to walk over here- [fake trips] whoa, whoa, I’m slipping and falling! Oh, stumbling, I need something to grab on to! [grabs Jim’s crotch] Jim: Dwight! Cathy: Are you okay? Dwight: I’m fine, I’m totally fine. Jim: Dwight! Dwight! Dwight: Yes? [Jim pushes Dwight’s hands away] Wha- Jim. Jim: [to Cathy] Sorry about that. Dwight: Aw, cramp, I’m just- [grabs Jim’s crotch again] Jim: Dwight! [pushes Dwight’s hands away] Why? Dwight: I’m sorry, I fell down, Mr. Balance. Jim: Leave. Dwight: [to Pam] Does your husband have very soft erections? Because if not, I just grabbed a very soft penis for nothing. Pam: Why was he making her laugh so much? Pam: Oh, hey, I’ll just be a second. Cathy: Yeah, take your time. Pam: Okay. Cathy: [to Jim] Oh, that line from Zoolander? Jim: Mm-hmm? Cathy: It was from a deleted scene, so we were both right. Jim: [laughs] Told you. Cathy: Um, do I hand in my expense reports to a particular accountant or- Pam: Oscar, Cathy has a question! Cathy: Sorry, um, I’ll just go ask Oscar. Pam: [to Jim] Yeah? Jim: You, okay? Pam: Why won’t you just admit that she’s attractive? It’s kind of annoying that you won’t say it. Jim: Okay, what can I do to make you believe me? Pam: Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that’s where we are now. Dwight: She called it crazy? Aw, man, that’s insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate. Pam: Yeah, its nuts. But I don’t know what else to do. Dwight: And she called it nuts? Darryl: Seriously, that was hot. Feel like you and the newsman had a groove going. Kevin: Mm-hmm. Andy: Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan? Kevin: Are you serious? From Star Trek? Darryl: [to Val] Hey, you caught some of that? Val: I caught it. Darryl: What, you don’t like the blues? Val: I might enjoy seeing you guys play the blues. Andy: Well, we are playing. We’re all playing together. These are our jam buddies. It’s a jam session. We go where the music takes us. [music starts] Val: I think the music left without you. Dwight: Come on. Jim: Stop shoving me. Dwight: [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs. Jim: [to Pam] Really? Pam: This could all go away if you just tell me the truth. Old Man: Uh, are you all in line? Dwight: Why don’t you go check out the sympathy cards, old man? [to Jim] Now I’m going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert? Jim: Si. Pam: Wait, that’s it? That’s the question you’re going to ask him? Dwight: We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is. Old Man: You have to share the machine with others. Dwight: [mimicking] Well, that’s what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten. Jim: Okay, Dwight, come on. [to old man] You can go first. Old Man: Thank you. Dwight: Jim, are you serious? Jim: Oh, you know what? This reminds me, CeCe needs a new toothbrush. Andy: Maybe we could switch instruments. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: ‘Cause, uh, my body’s starting to get bruised. Darryl: Yeah, maybe everyone move one instrument to the right? Andy: We had to leave because of creative differences. Darryl: Yeah, they kind of had a specific sound that didn’t really fit in with our thing. Kevin: Guys, this means they’re Kevin and the Zits now. Darryl: No man, we are. Andy: Well- Darryl: No, no, no. Dwight: [to old man] Okay, you’re done. Old Man: I have a new heart, you know. Dwight: Do you really, Tin Man? Okay, where were we? Jim: No, I’m not worried. Because this lie isn’t for me, it’s for Pam. And when she gets her body back and her confidence back… yes, I will tell her the truth. That I had feelings for a co-worker today that I haven’t had in years. But in my defence, he was grabbing my crotch fairly aggressively at the time. Dwight: Do you find Cathy Simms attractive? Jim: No. Dwight: Yep, he’s lying. Pam: Ah, see, was that so hard? Jim: I am not lying. Pam: Really? Jim: Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test? Dwight: I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he’s lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really? Pam: Wait, what? Dwight: Look at the numbers. Every single time, it’s come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar. Pam: Jim, you have high blood pressure. Dwight: Oh, he is definitely attracted to her. Pam: Doesn’t your dad have high blood pressure? Jim: Yeah, but I don’t smoke. Pam: When was the last time you went to the doctor? Jim: I don’t know. Dwight: It’s important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it- Pam: Dwight, stop. I’m not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you? Jim: Okay, easy. Trust me, I’m around for the long-haul. Dwight: It’s not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man. Jim: Okay. Pam: Come on, let’s go. I wanna call your doctor. Dwight: Doesn’t it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name? Pam: Just go home. It doesn’t matter. Dwight: But… hey, CeCe’s toothbrush. Jim: Thank you. Andy and Darryl: Oh, baby I love your way. Darryl: Every day. Andy and Darryl: Wanna be with you night and day. Darryl and Kevin: And day. Andy and Darryl: Oh, baby I love your way. Andy: [scatting] Rudit-do-do-do-di-do.