Christmas Wishes
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Ed Helms Transcribed By: Admin Andy: [singing as if he were the dolls in his office] Christmas tiiiime is heeeere! [normal voice] Wow. Thanks guys, that sounded amazing. Hi, I’m Andy Bernard and I am the first office Santa ever to make holiday wishes come true. Andy: Who’s excited to get their holiday wishes? Stanley: Holiday wishes. Andy: What’s that, Stanley? Stanley: We know exactly what holiday you’re referring to. Andy: It is important to be mindful of all belief systems at our holiday party. Stanley: I’ve been here eighteen years and have suffered through some weird thematic Christmases. A Honolulu Christmas, A Pulp Fiction Christmas, A Muslim Christmas, Moroccan Christmas. Mo-rocca Christmas. I don’t want it. Christmas is Christmas is Christmas is Christmas. Jim: I got Stanley tickets to see Lewis Black for his birthday... Might not have been the best idea. Stanley: I don’t want no Kwanza wreath, I don’t need a dreidel in my face, that’s its own thing. And who’s that black Santa for?! I don’t care! I know Santa ain’t black! I could care less. I want Christmas! Just give me plain baby Jesus, lying in a manger, Christmas! Meredith: What is the status on my wish? Andy: Fulfilled! Brought my bicycle, so I can be your designated driver later. In the event that you drink too much, which is by no means required. Dwight: What about my wish that we don’t have to attend meetings that degrade our sense of adulthood? Andy: That, I cannot do, but I did get you an acre of property on the moon. Dwight: Where? Dark side or light side? Andy: Light side. Dwight: Is it by the Sea of Tranquility? Andy: As a matter of fact, yes. Directly adjacent... beachfront. Dwight: Thank you, Andy. Andy: So, who’s wish is next? Oh, what about Santa’s wish? My biggest wish is that you all get along well with Jessica... C’mon guys, Jessica? Jim, tell ’em who Jessica is. Jim: She’s not your grandmother, is she? Andy: Ugh! Gam-gam’s name is Ruth, Jim, you should know. I introduced you on speakerphone that time? Jim: Yeah. Andy: Jessica is my super serious girlfriend, who is seriously awesome and seriously sexy. Only thing that’s not serious, by the way? Our repartee. Creed: That’s great. When you know you know. Hey, what’s Ruth’s deal, man? Andy: Totally out of your league. So, in summation, ho ho ho, please be nice to Jessica and mistletoe is not an excuse for sexual assault, and don’t go near Gam-gam. Erin: I love Jessica, and I haven’t even met her yet. It’s like we don’t even need to meet, you know? I already love you. Stay home. Kelly: I just want you to know that I will be mean to Jessica if you want me to be. Erin: Oh, no, no. It’s fine, Kelly. Kelly: It’s really no problem. I was already planning on being mean to her. Erin: That’s okay, I don’t want you to do that. Robert: [laughing] Hello, ah. Merry Christmas, Erin. Kelly, Happy Pancha Ganapati. Kelly: Eww, what is that? Robert: The five-day Hindu celebration in December honouring the god Ganesh, Patron of the Arts. Kelly: Cool. Kevin: Hey, man. Robert: Hey! [Kevin embraces Robert in a tight hug] Robert: Oh! Kevin: How ya holdin’ up... because of your wife leaving you? Oscar: Kevin? Robert: I actually appreciate the human intimacy. Feel like a kitten being cradled by a gorilla. Kevin: Yeah. Robert: It’s been ten days since I had sexual intercourse. Andy: Well, you came to the right place... Ah, this, this party’ll cheer you right up. Robert: I hope so. The corporate party was wretched. I am so tired of the Black-Eyed Peas. It’s rock-n-roll for people who don’t like rock-n-roll. It’s rap for people who don’t like rap. It’s pop for people who don’t like pop... ah, heartbreaking. [gestures to Andy in Santa costume] Andy: Oh, thank you. Andy: Well, I hate to have to take my Santa hat off and put on my hard ass hat. [puts on baseball cap that has a foam rear-end on it with the words HARD ASS”] But, this is serious. It’s come to my attention that somebody who shall remain nameless, wants to switch desk clumps. Dwight: Fine with me. Jim can leave anytime he wants. Goodbye. Jim: It wasn’t me. Andy: It wasn’t either of you. Jim: Kathy wants to leave our clump? Andy: Sh sh sh sh! Don’t look. Who it was is not important... but she did say that your constant pranking and one-upsmanship is driving her crazy. She or he. Dwight: I just wanna say, this is not my fault. Okay? The weak always bully the strong. Contrary to what you see in the media. I am always acting in self-defence. Occasionally pre-emptive self-defence. [punches Jim’s arm] Jim: Ow, what are you doing? [Jim fights back] Andy: Hey! Hey! Respect the hat! Jim: Pam never seemed to have a problem with us. Andy: Alright. I’m gonna speak in a language you both understand... Mo-nay. Jim: What was that? Dwight: What is it? Andy: Money... You both have sizable Christmas bonuses coming your way. If I catch either of you messing with the other, I will give both bonuses to the other person. Jim: Can’t do that. Dwight: No, absolutely not. Andy: You need consequences. Okay? I want you both walking on eggshells. Jessica: Hi. I’m Jessica. I’m looking for Andy? Erin: Jessica. Yes. We don’t say hi, we hug. [gets up and hugs Jessica] I’m Erin. Jessica: Oh! [laughs] Oof! Erin: Sorry, hi, I hope you feel really welcome, we all want you here. Jessica: Oh. Andy: My ex is meeting my sex… which is always scary, you know? And not just because you think they might talk about your penis… that’s just part of it. Andy: Hey! Jess, Erin, I hope you’re not talking about my penis. [laughs and kisses Jessica on the cheek] Andy: Hi. Jessica: Hi. Andy: Hey, everyone! I want you to meet Jessica, she is an assistant cross-country coach at Bryn Mawr. Erin: Wow. Andy: Erin, by the way, amazing receptionist. Jessica: Oh, that’s great. Backbone of the office. Erin: Which is funny, actually, because my spine is a mess. Andy: What? Jessica: Oh. Erin: Scoliosis. Had to wear a back brace for three years but I never did. [Jessica laughs, Erin exaggerates back curve] Andy: Oh no. Jessica: Ah...[laughs] Andy: Ut oh, it’s kicking in. Spontaneous scoliosis. Jessica: Spontaneous scoliosis. [both laugh] Erin: Oh. Darryl: This thing could take your arm off, your head off, you know, just exercise caution. Val: Thank you. Darryl: Alright. Val: Alright. Darryl: Oh yeah, and um there’s a Christmas party upstairs tonight, wanted to tell you about. Val: Isn’t that just for popsicles? Darryl: Popsicles? Val: Yeah, upstairs people? Cause you got a stick up your butt? Nate: Ah! See, I, I, I thought it was because they’re so rich they could all eat popsicles all the time. [laughs] I, in my, I… Darryl: Well, you should definitely come. The foreman always comes. Plus, it’s fun, you know cookies, smoked fish, alcohol, people acting stupid. Nate: You had me at “clookies” I can’t wait to find out what they are. Val: What should I wear? Darryl: Oh, it’s nice, it’s real nice. People get dressed up. Nate: I will look so handsome for you, Darryl. Jim: Ah… [sees Dwight’s wallet and open email] I’m gonna s-- [see’s Dwight watching from breakroom] Jim: Dwight really wants my bonus. He’s trying to entrap me. Oh god, now I can’t drink at this thing... I get really pranky when I drink. Robert: Erin, what can I get for you? Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it. Robert: Now why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots! Ryan: Yes! Oscar: Yes! Ryan: Will do. Robert: The fifth one is for you, Erin. You could take it or leave it. To take it would be to accept that you’re at a party and you’re an adult woman, with an adventurous spirit. To leave it would be fine too. Phyllis: One, two three! [group takes shots] Kevin: Yes. Erin: Okay. [takes shot, group laughs] Robert: Mmm. Wow. Erin: Whoo! Jiminy Christmas! Robert: Jiminey Christmas indeed. Erin: Hit ‘er up. Robert: Oh. Kevin: Oh yes. Ryan: Whoo! Erin: Yeah! [laughs] Oscar: Wow. Jim: [on phone] Uh, yeah. I just got my replacement credit card… you want the number? Oh, it’s uh four seven nine three, zero zero three two, three three one three. The security code is nine two seven. Okay, great. Thank you very much. Bye. Jim: So, Dwight did take the bait. He used my credit card numbers to send a two-hundred-dollar bouquet of flowers, to my wife… from me. Dwight: [laughing] Boom! Ryan: But look, it’s Christmas, so you’re allowed… [Val walks in dressed very formally] whoa, hello. Um, you’re allowed to do-- Kevin: Good cookie. Darryl: I meant dressed up compared to normal. You usually dress like a ghostbuster. Val: Okay. Darryl: I thought you’d wear a sweater. Val: Since when does a sweater mean “dressed up”? Am I your grandson? Darryl: Come on, stay, alright? It’s good for people to get to know you. Val: As a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, maybe. Erin: [imitating Stanley] I want… my sugar free cookie, and then I want a sugar cookie. [group laughs] and then I want my nap! Stanley: That’s right. [laughs] Erin: Whoo! [group laughs] Thank you. Robert: She, she is remarkable. Andy: Edgy impressions. Erin: Thank you. Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can’t be driving everybody home. Erin: A thousand. Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break. Erin: [serious] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding! Dwight: Ah! I’ve been attacked! Oh my god! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer! Toby: Oh my god. Dwight: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and, and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature! Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine? Dwight: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up? Jim: Hmm… Toby: You know this sounds a lot like the premise of my latest Chad Flendermen novel. A murder for framing. Toby: Chad Flendermen. Just an easy-going black guy, he knows the streets, yet he also went to Oxford. So. Just as comfortable on a motorcycle as he is on Air Force One. Oh, and he’s also the world’s leading Egyptologist. Angela: Toby! Nobody cares about your sex-crazed black detective. Toby: No, no, no, no, no. Women chase him. He misses his wife. Dwight: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks. Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous. Dwight: Oh, is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA. Jim: Three times. Dwight: You see? Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it. Jim: Andy, you’ve gotta be kidding me. Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand… Kelly: Do you think that’s what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand? Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don’t we just call animal control… Dwight: Might wanna run that by Angela cause it’s so cute. Angela: No. Porcupines don’t have souls. They’re like dogs. Jim: [on phone] Yes, I’m calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up. Dwight: Come down right away! Jim: [on phone] Uh, I don’t know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled? Dwight: Yes, I was quilled. Jim: And what’s its name? Dwight: Henrietta. Jim: Oops. [hangs up] Andy: What? Alright, get her out of here, Dwight. [Dynamite by Taio Cruz plays in the background] Erin: Hey, guys. I just wanted to say. Come here! I’m so happy you guys are together. Okay? [Andy and Jessica laugh] And you both have such beautiful hair. Jessica: [laughs] Thank you. Erin: I hope you guys get married...and who knows? Maybe at the wedding, I meet someone. Andy: Okay! Erin: And later on tonight, I hope I see you guys kiss. [blows kisses and pushes Andy and Jessica’s faces together.] Ah! [laughs] Okay, well I’m gonna go do another reverse spit. That’s how the cool kids say, “get a drink”. [blows kisses and dances away] Jessica: That’s uh, that’s the girl you dated. Andy: Um, yeah, she’s not always like that. It’s um… Jessica: No, she, she seems fine. Andy: Yeah, uh, excuse me. Jessica: Okay. Andy: Yep. [leaves Jessica to talk to Erin] Hey! Erin: Hey. Andy: Have you had anything to eat besides candy canes? Erin: Every martini has an olive. Andy: Okay… Maybe I should make you some oatmeal or something. Kevin: I don’t wanna put you out, but if someone’s making oatmeal, I’ll take an apple cinnamon and a maple brown sugar in one bowl with whole milk. Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish. Andy: Ah, okay. Erin: It’s about you. Andy: That’s not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something. Erin: [slurring slightly] It’s that I wish Jessica was dead. Andy: You you, wait. You mean you wish she wasn’t here or something. Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground, with worms coming out of her mouth. Andy: Hey, you know, you can’t say that, okay? That’s my girlfriend that you’re talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back. Erin: Too late! It’s already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar? [Andy leaves] Kevin: Hey. Erin: Hey. Kevin: So, there was talk of oatmeal. Phyllis: You know, don’t listen to what anyone is saying. You look like a, a princess. Val: Yeah. Thanks. Andy: I swear… Jessica: Did you not-- Andy: I was too embarrassed! [group laughs] Jim: Hey guys, sorry to interrupt, I uh, just found this on my desk. [shows picture of CeCe with devil doodles] Need to talk to somebody about it. Can you believe that? Phyllis: Is that Cece? Jim: Yes. It is. Andy: Um. Phyllis: That’s awful. Andy: Cece is Jim’s daughter. Jessica: Oh my god. How could somebody do that? Jim: I know, I mean the way I see it is you can deface any picture of me, anyone, pick one. Not my kid though. Oscar: Who did this? Who did this? Do you know who did this? Jim: I don’t-- Andy: I know who did this... Dwight. Phyllis: Dwight? Jim: Yeah. Andy: Dwight. Oscar: No! Phyllis: He should pay. Andy: Yeah. He is gonna pay. This is fire able. Jim: Okay… Andy: It’s--I mean. Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn’t have got you involved because the truth is, I don’t even really care about this picture, it’s a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like… Oscar: That’s no accident. Jim: Right. You’re right. So maybe it was me who did it…by accident. Phyllis: What? Oscar: What? Jim: I’ll figure it out, get to the bottom of it… Merry, merry. [Christmas Time is Here by Vince Guaraldi Trio is playing in the background] Dwight: Enough of this garbage. [harshly places boom box on table and hits play] This is Christmas. [Christmas Eve by Trans-Siberian Orchestra plays. Dwight plays air violin/guitar and sings along] Hi-yah!!!!! [Gabe, Creed and Nate join in as shots show various gift giving] Yeah!!!! Christmas!!!! Jim: You alright, Santa? Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it’s like, hey, can they stay friends? Jim: Yes. Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends? Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes, yeah. Andy: No…I don’t, hmm, I don’t know. Jim: Okay. Andy: By the way, I’m not gonna mess with you and Dwight’s bonuses. I think it’s causing more problems. So just be yourselves, have fun, and try not to let it affect your work. Jim: Alright. I will definitely do that. Andy: Alright, I’ll tell Dwight. Jim: You know what? You’re sitting, and thinking, and it’s probably better if it comes from me anyway. Andy: Christmas miracles do happen. Jim: Yes. They totally do. Ryan: You can’t click on these Kardashian links, that’s why you have so many viruses. Kelly: Well, help me, okay? Just, uh, take… Ryan: I’m trying but you need to-- Erin: Hey. Kelly: Yo. Erin: Game on. Kelly: On it. Jessica: [group laughing] I don’t know what I was thinking, it was awful… Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [group stops laughing] Kelly: And that, is how it’s done. Erin: I would like another alcohol. Robert: Let’s you and I take a walk. Oscar, you’re in charge of the bar. Oscar: What? I haven’t bar tended in forever. Oh, never considered myself a mixologist, oh this is daunting. Um, I need a mortar, pestle, muddler… does anyone have any chocolate shavings? Robert: Your heart is broken. So is mine. Erin: And… Robert: And what? Erin: And you have any advice or anything? Robert: No [laughs] my god. Erin: Help me feel better… Robert: I’ve been married thrice and each has ended in an acrimonious divorce, I’m not sure I’m the best person to give love advice… I was hoping you were gonna make me feel better. Nate: When you do your makeup, Jessica: Uh huh. Nate: How long you, does it take usually? ‘Cause… Jessica: Um, it ta—um, it depends. Toby: Chad Flendermen’s kryptonite. [Darryl walks up to Toby and Val in a tuxedo] Creed: Whoa. We got a real Clarence Thomas here. Darryl: Hi. Jessica: I’ll see you at home? Andy: Okay, great. Jessica: Okay. Andy: Perfect. Jessica: Bye. [kiss] I still don’t get why you can’t just call her a cab and pay for it. Andy: I would, it just, that wasn’t the holiday wish. Jessica: Oh. Meredith: Either he drives or I drive. Now I’m drunk and mad. Jessica: Okay. [laughs] Bye. Andy: Okay, bye. [helps Meredith off the floor] Alright, Meredith. Meredith: Thank you, Santa. Andy: You bet. Andy: Thank God Erin’s getting a ride home with Robert because she is trashed. [laughs] and who better to drive her home than Robert, I mean, what a standup guy, you know? I mean he’s going through a lot, separating from his wife, showing up to the Christmas party in a track suit and a blazer. Andy: Let’s go, let’s go. Meredith: I know, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming. Andy: Hang on. Meredith: Alright. [Andy opens back of her van, things fall out] Andy: What? Meredith: Whoa! My stuff! Andy: What is all that? Meredith: It’s my valuables! Andy: It’s junk! Meredith: This is my treasures, no they’re my treasures! Andy: You’re a hoarder. My god! Meredith: No I’m not, I’m gonna sell it on Ebay! No no no, you be careful. Be careful. Andy: Ah! My Santa suit’s stuck. Dwight: [laughs while spray painting “Jim is Awesome” on his own car, talks to porcupine in carrier] What are we gonna do with all that bonus money, Henrietta? Huh? Meredith: Where are we? This ain’t my street. Andy: Sh, sh, sh, sh, shh. Meredith: Ah, this is the posh part of town, huh? Andy: Oh my god. Meredith: Wonder what a studio condo would cost in this neighbourhood? Andy: Meredith, shut your drunk hole right now. Robert: Erin, it was great fun tonight. Take a few aspirin and a whole lot of water, sleep in in the morning. Erin: Thank you, goodnight. Meredith: What are you smiling for? You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’? Andy: I’m sure I am not. Let’s get you home. Meredith: Ow! Take it easy. Andy: Whoo. Dwight: [yawns, “Idiot” is written on his forehead] Ah, man. Ah, fell asleep, took a nap. Hey guys, ah I feel refreshed now. How’s it goin? Oscar: Dwight. Dwight: Took a little nap right next to Jim’s desk. I feel so good right now. Mmm, cookies. What’s everyone staring at? Jim: Oh, man. I was supposed to tell Dwight something... C’mon, Jim. [shakes head] I got nothin’.