Pool Party
Written By: Owen Ellickson Directed By: Charles McDougall Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Oh, ugh. [stands and looks at meatball in chair] What is this, a meatball? Really? [Stanley laughs] Jim: It’s always more fun to mess with Dwight with an audience. That was usually Pam so now that she’s out I had to find someone else. Turns out that Stanley is quite the comedy fan. But not everything makes him laugh. He has very specific tastes. Through a painstaking process of trial and error, I’ve found out what he likes. And it’s really weird. Dwight: Jim, come on! That’s so juvenile! What the-- [opens drawer full of meatballs] Stanley: You’ve been meatballed! [laughs] Dwight: Ugh. Stanley: Are you ready for some meatball? Dwight: Aw, man. [Stanley laughs] Dwight: This is not very clever, Jim. Jim: I know. Stanley: Look for your stapler! Dwight: [Dwight finds stapler in giant meatball] Really Jim? Really? Very funny. Stanley: [to Phyllis] Oh, okay. Good night. [climbs into Dwight’s car] What’s the haul? Dwight: Thirty-two meatballs. Stanley: Good day. Dwight: That idiot’s been feeding us for a week. Stanley: We’ll never have to buy meatballs again. Erin: [phone rings] Dunder Mifflin. Jessica, hi! How are you? Oh yay, that’s so great to hear. Erin: I’m not going to be one of those exes who can’t move on. They have their life and I have mine. I’m taking an Italian class. So far, I’ve learned tortellini, spaghettini, linguini… Well, it’s not so much a class as a restaurant, but I do Monday, Wednesday, Friday from seven to nine. Erin: I will patch you through right now. You sound really pretty today. Okay. Andy: Jessica! I love you! That’s a message from my mom. Andy: My parents met Jessica and they completely flipped for her, so they gave me this old family ring to use on her. I know, whoa! Pump the breaks, Bernard, too early! I get it. I just, you know, I’m just carrying it around, seeing how it feels. I haven’t proposed to anyone in years… Mom took the main diamond out, she thought that had more of a ‘my little brother kind of vibe to it, but… Jim: [Robert is looking at pictures of a house online] Whoa, looks pretty nice. Got a little bit of a Shining vibe, though. Oscar: Oh, who needs a house that size? Dwight: Big. Stupid. Pure chump bait. Robert: I’m selling the house, actually. Jim: You know, there’s a glare from over here… oh wow, that’s magnificent. Robert: It’s mid-recession in a depressed area of a faltering state and I’ve got the most expensive house on the market. The one percent are suffering too, people. I wanted it to be my Playboy mansion. A temple to wine, revelry, sex, intrigue… this was hot on the heels of Eyes Wide Shut, mind you. Then I met my wife, she moved in, made it her own. Now she’s left me and forced me to sell the place. The ultimate insult? They’re calling my speakeasy lounge a rumpus room. [Jim laughs] Does my turmoil amuse you, Jim? Jim: I’m sorry, I thought you were making a joke. Robert: What could you possibly have found funny in what I said? What was the joke you thought you heard? Jim: I guess I thought you were approaching it with more of a sarcasm than misery. Kind of laughing at your own pain, sad clown thing. Robert: Oh yes. How hilarious it is to laugh at clowns, the painted jesters of the dying circus industry. Very funny, Jim. I get it. Andy: Um, I’m getting reports of a serious outbreak of the grumpies in here. Robert: A beautiful monster cost me my forties and my dream home. I think I’m entitled to the occasional bad day. Andy: Well, please tell Susan we all say hi. Kevin: Dude, what if, since you’re feeling grumpy, we all swing by tonight and check out your indoor pool? [Robert laughs] Oscar: Kevin, no. Robert: What, as some sort of last hoorah? Kevin: Yeah. All of us in the pool, saying hoorah. Maybe the last one that says hoorah is it. Robert: You know I suppose someone should enjoy the place before I hand it over to the staging experts at Remax tomorrow. Let’s try this: everyone, tonight, my house, wear a swimsuit. Let’s just call it a get-together. And let’s say no food. Kevin: Hey Oscar, was that you who just created a party out of thin air or was it me? Oscar: That was you, Kevin. Kevin: It was me. Meredith: You going tonight, kiddo? Cause I can give you a lift. Erin: Oh, I don’t know, Meredith. It seems like you shouldn’t drive maybe ever. Meredith: It’s no problem. You live right near me. Erin: How do you know where I live? Meredith: Andy followed you home after the Christmas party. Erin: Why? Meredith: He wanted to make sure California didn’t put it in you. Erin: Oh. Come on. Erin: Wow. Andy’s such a weird stalker. Following me home like that when he has a girlfriend? I should get a restraining order. [squeaks] Angela: [sticks a hand in the pool] Oh, it is warm. Cathy: It’s almost too warm. Gabe: I’m feeling eighty-two, eighty-two and a half. Ryan: Oh, so close. Eighty-one. Gabe: [to Cathy] Well, we’ll say its eight-two and it’ll be our secret. Cathy: [to Jim] Hey, late guy. Jim: Hey. Wow. Just stopping by. Got another party to go to. A wife and two kids at home party. Andy: Oh. Jim: DJ Pam Halpert is spinning some serious Radio Disney tonight. Jim: You’re looking at the master of leaving parties early. They key is, you have to make a strong impression, so you want to have a picture taken, you want to say some peculiar non sequitur that people remember, you want to note something unique, a talking point, for later. I don’t mean to brag, but New Year’s Eve, I was home by nine. Jim: Robert, just wanted to grab you one second. This place is amazing, by the way. Robert: You should see the whole thing. Jim: I bet I should. [takes cell phone photo] That’s beautiful, I’m going to email that to you. Robert: I’m just about to give the tour. Jim: All right-- Robert: Join us. You must see what you were laughing about. Jim: I must… Jessica: [looks at pool] Wow. Andy: [hides ring] Yeah, it’s pretty serious poolage. Jessica: [sees Andy’s hand in his pocket] What are you doing? Andy: Hmm? Flicking a bug off my wiener. [they both laugh] Jessica: Gross. I’m getting a drink. Do you want anything? Andy: No, I’m good. Erin: [runs to Andy] Funny how we can be surrounded by people and still feel so lonely. Hi. Andy: Hi. Erin: How is everything? How’s your car? Andy: It’s great. You know. Reliable. Great mileage. Erin: Is that so? How about this weekend we take that sucker to a duck pond or something? Maybe get caught in the rain? Andy: Well, I can’t. I’m going skiing with Jessica. you know, a couple of dopes on the slopes. Erin: Oh, like a goodbye trip. Andy: No. What? Jessica: Hey. Erin: Hi. Erin: I guess Andy isn’t totally over his current girlfriend. But if he was jealous once before then maybe I can make him jealous again. Just not with Robert. He told me he was a ride I wouldn’t survive, and I believe him. Darryl: Val. You made it. Val: Yup, yup. Darryl: Uh oh, look at this. Red plastic cup, red plastic cup. How about that? Val: You know, you are just as dumb at night. Darryl: Mmm. [they clink cups] Andy: All right, there’s--this would be no problem. I could swim under, one breath. Jessica: No, show me. Andy: Okay. Jessica: Dive in right here. Andy: In a minute. In a minute. Jessica: Okay. You don’t know what you’re doing. Andy: A minute would be cool. Erin: Hey, Dwight Snoot. Dwight: What-- Erin: What you doing? Dwight: I’m relaxing. Scram. [pushes her] Erin: Ow. Andy: Hey, Stanley. Um, what happened to my pants? Stanley: I moved them. Pants only need a chair if there’s a person in them. Andy: Where… [finds pants, looks for ring] Erin: Come on, don’t you want to play? Dwight: Oh, really? Erin: Yeah. Dwight: Yeah, you want to play you little hick? [kicks her in to the pool, Erin screams] Kevin: Whoa. Angela: Dwight! Oh, my gosh! Dwight! Robert: Here we have the parlour. I imagined people would set down their coats and symbolically their inhibitions. This was the gateway. You enter this room a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, a judge, but beyond it you’re simply a penis, a vagina, hunger, ache. Susan used it as a Pilates studio. Oscar: [sees wine collection] Holy cow! Robert: Wine collection. Oscar: How many bottles? Three hundred? Robert: [laughs] About twelve hundred. What the hell, grab a bottle. Less inventory for the lawyers. Oscar: Toby! Chateau Margaux ninety-five. You know your wine. Toby: Well, and you have a… yes, a- d- another chateau. Ryan: Robert, you are too kind. Robert: Oh. Gabe: Too kind doesn’t begin to cover it. Ryan: With ammunition like this we are in for quite a night, you and me. Gabe: And Gabe-y makes three. Jim: Robert, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you for all this. This night’s been magical. Robert: Jim, come see this next room. I think you especially would like it. Jim: Really? Why? Robert: I don’t know. Maybe not. Just come. Erin: [Dwight dunks her] Oh! Dwight: [laughs] You regret attacking me now, hick? Huh? Erin: Stop it. Dwight, I was flirting with you. I was trying to use you to make Andy jealous. Dwight: I’m not going to help you. Why would you choose me? Because I’m mighty? Because I’m the manliest man in the office? I’ll do it. [he picks her up] Erin: [giggles] Oh Dwight! Erin: [giggles] Stop. Dwight: You stop. Erin: No, you stop. Dwight: No, you stop. Erin: [to camera] Is he looking? [shakes her head] Oh. You can stop. Dwight: Okay, you can stop. Erin: No, no, no, he’s not looking. Dwight: No, you can stop. Erin: You can actually stop. Kelly: Whoa, you guys, I just found this insane engagement ring. Is anyone missing this? Meredith: The main stone’s missing. Kelly: I don’t know. It looks pretty great to me. Robert: I pictured myself here every night eating a leg of mutton, the juices dripping down my bare chest, wiping my fingers on the walls. Then I met the vegan. Jim: Good night. Oscar: [raises wine bottle] To the kitchen! All: To the kitchen! Robert: To the kitchen. Onward! Oscar: Toby, what’s compelling about this is the note of persimmon. Right? Toby: Note? It’s a symphony. Oscar: Okay, you have to join my wine-tasting club. Toby: I would love that. Toby: Toby, you are playing a dangerous game. Guess I’m through the gateway now, though, right? Darryl: [to Val] You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been in this exact angle before. I was scared at first, but I like it. Meredith: You guys got to try this pool. No top scum, no band-aids. This thing is choice. Val: You in? Darryl: Yeah, sure, sure. I’ll be right in. Darryl: I’ve been working out. But the problem is, I’ve been building muscle underneath. And that top layer hasn’t burned off yet. Awkward stage. Dwight: [he and Erin feed each other chips] Ah, mmm. So good. Now take a chip, crush it into my face, really rub the grease around. Do it. Now rub it in. Oh, yeah, that’s so good. Ah… Erin: Andy’s not even looking. I think sexy eating is a dead end. Dwight: Damn it. Erin: What is the most romantic possible thing? Dwight: We can get some chicken fights going in the pool. Erin: Dwight, that’s just--that’s really perfect. Thank you. Both: Yes! [they high five and jump in the pool] Angela: You’re in my way! Erin: Andy, Dwight and I challenge you and Jess to a chicken fight. Winner takes all. Dwight: Chicken fight! Andy: No thanks. Erin: Dang it! What the heck already? Dwight: Hey, Cathy. Chicken fight! Cathy: Okay, yeah. Who’s going to be my partner? Where’s Jim? Kevin: I’m right here! [gets in pool] Cold. Cold. Come on, Cath. Dwight: Yeah--oh! Erin: [knocks Cathy off Kevin’s shoulders] Yes! Woo! Dwight: Woohoo! Yes! Erin: Dwight, our chemistry is really clicking. We work so well together. Dwight: I know. I could just bang you right now. Erin: He’s not looking. [Dwight dumps Erin in the pool] Erin: Hey! Robert: I had two bears sewn together to make this king-size. Total waste of two bears. Jim: To both these bears. Ryan: To both these bears. Toby: Bears. Oscar: To both these bears. Robert: When I put in the screening room, I bought three movies: Caligula, Last Tango in Paris, and Emmanuelle 2. Last two movies I actually watched in here Marley and Me and On Golden [bleep] Pond. Ryan: I mean, it’s clearly meant for watching erotic cinema. Gabe: Yup. We could watch some right now if you want. I got a Korean film on my iPod if you want to just--if you have the cables. Andy: Kelly, that’s a crazy ring you found. Kelly: Yeah, thanks. I’m really glad I found it. Andy: I can’t believe you’re wearing it. Are you not superstitious at all? Kelly: Shh. Of course, I’m superstitious. What are you talking about? Andy: The ring of a failed marriage might have some sinister energy, right? Am I just being silly? Phyllis: Oh, I don’t think you’re being silly. Kelly: Oh God. [takes off ring] Andy: You know what, I can just sell it and put the money in the party fund. Phyllis: [snatches ring] Then another woman will get it. We can’t allow that. We have to destroy it. Jessica: [to Andy] Come on. Let’s chicken fight those two. Val: [comes up from under water] How was that? Kevin: Okay. Watch my toes. [does handstand] Darryl: Hey Val. Want a beer? It might taste better than that pool water you’ve been drinking. Val: No, I’m good. Thank you. Darryl: Cool. Val: Cool. [to Kevin] Does Darryl not swim? Kevin: That’s racist! I don’t know. But I would say, by looking at him, no, Darryl does not swim. Jessica: [knocks Erin off Dwight’s shoulders] Yes! Andy: Yeah! Dwight: [to Erin] Maybe we should take a little break. Erin: Dwight, we’ve got this. I promise. I will not leave your shoulders, no matter what. Dwight: Okay. Erin: One more? Andy: Yeah! Jessica: Yeah! Great! [others cheer and clap] Erin: Mush, mush, mush! Come on! Dwight: Go! Erin: Go! Okay. Yeah. Jessica: Here we go! [knocks Erin over] Yes! Andy: Yay! [Erin comes back up] Whoa! Kevin: Wow! Andy: I cannot believe you’re still up! Jessica: I cannot believe it either. Erin: I’ve got this! [Dwight gasps] Charge! Go! Go! [Dwight sinks] Andy: [muffled] Dwight are you okay? Hey, damn it-- Dwight: [coughs up water] Erin, did we win? Erin: Sure. Sure, we did. Dwight: You’re lying. We didn’t win. Erin: Hey, hey, hey Dwight. It’s okay. Just rest. Just rest. Kelly: You’ve broken up your last couple, you evil ring. Do it. [Meredith sets fire to paper ring boat] Angela: We’re in the pool! Meredith: Shut it, Angela. Dwight: Ugh. Same old party, same old people. Am I right? Reminds me of Phyllis’s birthday. Andy: Oh, do not remind me of Phyllis’s birthday. Dwight: I know. [laughs] But boy, that Erin. She sure is a ripe little tiger, isn’t she? Rroww! And to think, I always thought of her as a second Meredith. Respectfully, I don’t want us walking into a similar Angela kind of situation. Andy: Mmm. Dwight: So, I just want to make sure that you are completely, one hundred percent done with Erin. Andy: Last I checked, I’m with Jessica. And I like to get my monog on. It’s monogamy for my hog ‘n me. Dwight: Not what I asked. Andy: We’re done. Erin and I are over. Dwight: So, then you won’t mind if tonight I just go crazy on her, just go nuts, rrargh. With sex. Andy: Have at it. Or take it slow. Whatever you guys work out. Dwight: [sighs] You’re an idiot. Kevin: Kelly, that is mine! This is mine! [Val, Erin and Kevin play with pool noodles] Erin: Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Kevin: No! Val: Oh, I’ve got him! Darryl: Cannonball! [jumps in pool] Let’s do this! [Erin swims up to Andy with ring] Andy: Wow. Erin: So, I kind of stepped on this. I think it’s yours. Andy: Yeah. Oh, wow. How did you know it was mine? Erin: The Bernard family seal. Duh. Andy: Duh. Erin: Sorry if your special night was ruined. Andy: Oh, whoa. Whoa, no, it’s not a special night. Erin: Oh, you weren’t going to do that? Andy: Honestly Erin, I don’t know what I’m doing. I--I just--I don’t know. Thank you. Erin: Andy’s confused. That’s not what I was hoping for, but it’s not so bad either. I can live with confused. I get confused. I totally get confused. Robert: And of course, the pool. The ultimate lubricant for any wild evening. It was here that my parties would have crescendoed into true madness. Jim: To madness. Ryan: To madness. Toby: To madness. [Robert laughs] Meredith: To madness. Jim: Hey, um, I think you parked my car in. Is there any way you can move your van? Meredith: Oh, I’m sorry. When I got here, I put my keys in a bowl. Jim: Are you serious? Ryan: Robert, I want you to know, I’m here to rock with you as late as you want, man. Gabe: And that goes double for me. I’ll stay even later than you’d like. [Toby pours wine into Oscar’s mouth] Oscar: Toby! I am Bacchus, God of wine! Toby: And I am Bacchus’s friend! Robert: Gentlemen, bear witness. While I’ve been mourning the nights that never were, one of them has been unfolding here before me. This is no get-together. This is a party. [Robert strips, jumps in pool, Gabe and Ryan join him] All: Yes! Woohoo! Bravo! Jim: And there’s my talking point. Robert: Yes, that’s it. Push yourselves, boys. It’s not a party if you don’t do something that scares you. I need a breather. Oh. Oh. You two keep going. Ryan: Hey, he’s asleep. We can just leave. Gabe: So, leave.