Garage Sale
Written By: Jon Vitti Directed By: Steve Carell Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Hey Oscar, big Will and Grace fan huh? Oscar: No. Everybody assumes I am. I always get them as gifts. Pam: Oh. Pam: Dunder Mifflin is having our first own garage sale. Like many Americans, we realised we had a lot of things that we really didn’t need. And 10 cents of every dollar is going into the party fund so we can throw parties for ourselves. Dwight: People! Look alive. It’s showtime. Doors open in three…two…one. Jim: Oh, yikes. Pam: It’s cold Dwight. Just shut the door and let people come in the front. Dwight: It’s good that its cold it will drive business inside. Pam: The signs will drive people inside. Dwight: The warmth will lure people inside. Andy: Close it. Dwight: This is how business… Andy: Close it. Dwight: I’m not closing the door. Andy: Close it. [starts wrestling Dwight] Dwight: Stop it. Andy: Just close it. Dwight: Uh oh, looks like someone’s sign is a little crooked. Uh, looks awful. Need a thumb tack? Meredith: Sure. Dwight: Not so fast. Dwight: Schrute’s are farmers by hobby, and traders by trade. Through the art of the swap, I will walk out of this garage sale with the finest item here. Dwight: I will trade you for the used candle. Meredith: Forget you. Dwight: Come on, its trash, like your sign, unless you have this. Meredith: Fine, just give it. Dwight: That’s how it’s done. Kevin: Woah, I love her. How much for that? Michael: I uh… I actually don’t know why I brought that because It’s kind of priceless. Holly: 10 dollars. Michael: Mhmm, no I paid 500 dollars for that. Kevin: 200. Michael: 500. Holly: 20. Kevin: 45. Michael: Get lost. Kevin: Damn it. Michael: That is how you do it. Holly: You know we don’t have to sell that if you don’t want to. If it’s a problem with the neon I can have my neon guy take a look. Michael: You know it’s really more for a bachelor pad. I just want to get a fair price. Holly: Well, we could put it in storage… in case. Michael: In case… in case of what? Holly: You know… in case if something changes. Michael: I don’t have an in case. Do you have an in case? Holly: Nope. Lady: How much for the slip and slide? Michael: Get lost. Michael: [on phone] Yes, hello Mr. Flax this is Michael Scott, your daughter’s boss. I am calling because I am going to have to fire your daughter Holly because she is such a terrible employee. I’m just kidding. I’m kidding. I’m actually calling because I’m in love with her. I love your daughter, and I have for some time. And I would like to discuss my intentions with you… which are to ask her to marry me. And I was just hoping you would give me your approval. And this isn’t a joke. So, call me back, when you get this. And I look forward to speaking. Thank you. Kelly: Are you serious? A half used candle? Get out of here Dwight. You’re blocking my table with your giant body. Dwight: Oh, cause there’s a huge line of people waiting in line who want your spinster chotskies. Kelly: Screw you man. People like my stuff. Dwight: People like Ryan? Let me tell you about men like him. He comes over and you’re like ‘Hey baby let me light a candle’ then you pull out this one half used and he’s like ‘Uh! Who else is she seeing? I better lock her down fast.’ Kelly: You can take my Helen Fielding collection. Dwight: And the Jennifer Weiner collection. Andy: Oh my gosh, you have the Dallas board game? Kevin: Yea when I was a kid, I was on Dallas. Andy: Really? Kevin: Yea. When I was kid, we missed our connecting flight and we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii… I was in heaven. Darryl: We should play it. Andy: Well… there’s no instructions. Darryl: It’s Dallas the game, we can figure it out. Kevin: Yea. Andy: I’m pretty good at board games. Darryl: Well, shall we make it a little interesting? Andy: Sure. Dwight: What is this? Jim: How did those get out? I’m sorry. Dwight: Professor Copperfield’s Miracle Legumes? Jim: I was in Jamaica, and I got lost, and it was getting dark this one night and then out of nowhere with a cart and he’s selling these. Dwight, he’s telling me things about myself that there’s no way he could have known. Dwight: That’s a common swindlers trick. Jim: Probably, probably. So, I buy some, I turn the corner, I feel like an idiot, so I go back to get my money, he was gone. Dwight: So, you wanna sell me magic beans. [laughs] Jim: Correction. I do not want to sell you Professor Copperfield’s Miracle Legumes. Dwight: Nice try. No. Correction. Terrible try. Holly: Michael called Dad? Holly’s Mom: Your friend Michael, yes. What’s going on? Holly: Um, I think I know. But I’ll sound stupid if I’m wrong but is Dad there? Holly’s Dad: Holly? Holly: Hi Dad. Holly’s Dad: There was a program on TV about India. Holly: Um, okay. Did you connect with Michael? Holly’s Dad: Wanna watch it? Holly: I… I’m not there Dad, I’m in Pennsylvania. Holly’s Dad: What are you doing there? Holly: I live here. Um, can I talk to you about Michael? Holly’s Dad: I’ll, I’ll put your mother on. Holly: No. No… no, Dad. Holly’s Mom: Holly? Holly: Mom, Dad can’t seem to focus on a subject. Holly’s Mom: Don’t you worry about him, he’s got me. Holly: Well, who do you have? Holly’s Mom: I have your father. He’s right here I’ll put him on. Holly: No. Mom? Pam: Oh, which one is decaf? Pam: [looks out window] Michael! Michael! Michael: Hi. Pam: Hi... I was just coming out to see what you were doing and to maybe stop you. Michael: Oh, you know what, you have a siphon? I think I’m gonna run out of gas. Pam: Why do you need more gas? Michael: Well, I’m writing a message. Pam: Is it a good message or a bad message? Michael: I’m asking Holly a question in fire. Pam: Are you proposing!? Michael: Maybe. Pam: Wow. Michael: Hey you know what? I’ve got gas all over my hands and my shoes. Would you light it? Would you do the honors please? Pam: Yea. Yea no problem. [runs away] Michael: Pam. Pam: Yep. Micahel: Could you light this please? Pam: Michael, you’ve had two ideas today. And one of them was great. And the other one was terrible. Michael: I am not in the mood for riddles pam. Pam: This is terrible. Michael: No, this is romantic. Pam: You know what? I’m gonna get a hose. Then we’ll talk about it. Okay, we’ll figure it out. Be right back. Just stay there. Ryan: Free sample? Ryan: My mom makes the best pesto in the world. And I always tell her ‘Mom you should sell this, you’d make a fortune’ and she always says, ‘No it’s just for family.’ Well finally I was like f*** it, I’ll sell it so I’m like ‘Mom, I need you to make a ton of pesto for a pesto party for all my friends’ and she’s like ‘uh, okay’ … pesto party? Really? Anyway… she makes like a hundred bottles worth. It’s so good. And Phyllis… just had that mom look I wanted. Dwight: You got this kosher certified? Ryan: No, I meant like uh, it’s cool, its kosher, it’s all good. Dwight: Ryan, you have such an interesting mind. So creative. All these new business ideas and artistic projects. [laughs] Ryan: Thank you. Whatcha got there? Dwight: Oh, it’s just Stanley’s old photo album. I’m thinking about throwing it in the garbage. I mean, why would I want some random black man’s old photo album on my bookshelf. I’m not James Franco. Dwight: things are going very well. I traded a thumb tack for Meredith’s junk for Kelly’s crap for Phyllis’ garbage for Oscar’s trash for Stanley’s garbage for Ryan’s junk for Creed’s garbage for a very cute squid that Erin happened to have. Dwight: Jim, put those away. Jim: [pulls away beans] I’m really sorry. Pam must have put those out. Dwight: just out of curiosity, what were the claims for those beans? Jim: They’re legumes Dwight, and you’re just gonna make fun of me, so why would I… You know what, this ends now. [crumples up beans, stomps on them, and throws them in a box] Pam: Hey Michael everyone’s in the conference room. Michael: Why? Pam: You called the meeting I don’t... Michael: I did? Michael: Okay. Thank you all for coming. I would like to talk to you all today about… recycling. Pam: Michael. Michael: Yes. Pam: We are a family. Michael: I could not have agreed with you more. Pam: And I’ve always believed that we should all be involved in everyone’s personal lives, in a very major way. Michael: Yes. Thank you. Pam: So, about this proposal thing… Michael: No, no, no, no. My minds made up I am not going to change my mind you can’t talk me out of it. Pam: Michael, she’s perfect for you. Oscar: She’s the one. Jim: She’s amazing. This is very exciting. Pam: So, we just… we wanna help you plan the proposal so that it’s safe and responsible and realistic and doable. Michael: I had a great idea until you ruined it. Oscar: Wanna know how to do it? Here’s how you do it. Take her out to dinner. Go down on one knee. If you are in costume, you did something wrong. If at any point you find yourself tying a ring to a dog’s collar, stop, and look at yourself. Andy: [playing the Dallas board game] Hmm, I’m gonna play me a little ol’ black mail card. Kevin: Nice. Andy: And call a proxy meeting to take control of you and oil once and for all. Kevin: No, you can’t do that. You can’t play a black mail card and call a proxy meeting in the same turn. Andy: Why not. Seems to me we’re just making up rules cause somebody forgot to staple the rules to the inside of the game like a normal human being. Darryl: And I’m gonna play this here share the wealth card. Andy: Oooh. Darryl: Which entitles me to half of both of y’alls money so if you don’t mind. Kevin: No, this card is from the wrong game this is from the game of life. Darryl: It was in the box. Andy: Well, played. Darryl: Thank you. Andy: We must honorably adhere to the rules we are making up on the spot. Kevin: No but that’s not fair. Andy: Well, that’s Dallas. Darryl: Dallas indeed. Oscar: What… Ryan, where did you get this picture? [a picture of Oscar on Ryans bottles of salsa] Ryan: My mom also makes the best salsa. Holly: This is your moms old stuff? Phyllis: Yeah mostly. Holly: How’s she doing? Phyllis: It didn’t go down so easy but she’s made some friends and it’s already better than it was. Holly: How do you know when it’s time? Phyllis: Uh I don’t know if you ever know. And if you wait for the day when your parent to comes to you and says ‘I can’t take care of myself anymore’ it’s never gonna happen. I have a box of bras under the table if you’re interested. Holly: Let me see. Pam: Okay, I think animals and proposals are out. Right Ryan didn’t you read in one of your blogs that animals are out? Ryan: Blogs are out but people are texting each other no more animals. Michael: How about this I throw a corpse dressed like me off of the roof, it hits the ground, the head pops off, this leads me to the line ‘I lost my head when I fell in love with you.’ Jim: That’s a guarantee. Michael: It’s easy enough to get a corpse, you just go to a med school. I already have the ring. Jim: Don’t think you need the corpse then. Michael: Heres the ring. Pam: Holy s*** is that real? Michael: Yeah. I saved 3 years’ salary. Oscar: No. [shakes head back and forth] Michael: Is she not going to like that? Pam: No, she’s going to love it so I think you can keep the proposal simple. You know like when Jim proposed. He just he got down on one knee and he told me that he loved me and he asked me to marry him and it was perfect. Oscar: Where was that. Jim: At a gas station. [oscar laughs] Michael: At a gas station? Jim: Oh, it was when she was working in New York so it was halfway between both of us. Michael: That mush have been a surprise when… at the gas station you proposed. Pam: No, it was really it was really sweet. It was raining and... Michael: Oh, yea you didn’t say that the weather was bad that sounds perfect. I want this to be an event that everyone talks about always and forever. Jim: Totally reasonable. Michael: I just… it’s terrifying. Pam: She’s not gonna say no. Michael: I know but I’m still scared I don’t know why. Jim: Cause it’s a big deal. I mean... I knew Pam was gonna say yes but I was still scared. Pam: You were scared? Jim: Yeah… it's scary. Michael: Get this… Kevin thought I was gonna sell my Bowflex for 200 dollars and I told him ‘Dude this was a prop in my movie.’ Holly: Look I need to talk to you. Michael: Okay it’s because we haven’t sold anything. You know what? We just wait until the end of the day, people get desperate, and they’re gonna pay anything. Holly: I think I need to go home to Colorado. My dad isn’t doing so well. Michael: Oh okay. For how long? Holly: I don’t know. Michael: Is he alright? Holly: Yeah. Michael: You okay? Holly: Yeah, yeah, it’s just you know I don’t want to go home when he’s on his death bed you know, I wanna be there when he’s still my dad. Michael: Yeah, yeah well you definitely need to do that. Holly: And I want you to come with me. Now I know that’s a lot to ask of a boyfriend... Michael: Okay. Holly: And I was thinking… you know maybe since given our last conversation that we’re both ready… Michael Scott will you... Michael: No, no, shhhhut it. Mhmm. Oh God. Nope, nope, nope. Holly: Uh, what? Michael: No. I am not going to be proposed to in the break room. That is not going to be our story. Mhm hm. Should have burned this place down when I had the chance. Kevin: Hey guys it’s my turn. Andy: You can’t go, you’re dead, I shot you 5 moves ago. Kevin: Yeah, I told you, you can’t shoot people. Darryl: I told you we’re way past rules. We have been for some time now. We start having rules now, everything we built collapses. Kevin: This is stupid and I want my money back. Where’s the money? Darryl: Yeah, where is it? Kevin: Okay, you know what? I am never ever playing board games with you two again. Kevin: And that is Dallas. [shows money] Ryan: Nice. Jim: Not bad right. [swinging golf club] Ryan: Can’t really tell the… Jim: [to Dwight] Nice. Dwight: I know right… [sees Jim’s beans] what the? Jim: Oh my God. Dwight: That… that’s impossible. Jim: It is right. I mean, it’s impossible. Dwight: All right, I’ll take them. Jim: They’re probably worthless. Dwight: Probably. [walks away with beans] Jim: Leave the telescope. Dwight: I started with a thumb tack and traded my way to a telescope. But in a way the most valuable thing here wasn’t the telescope at all. No, it was this… packet of beans. So, I traded the telescope for it. And I can just go buy another telescope. Michael: Hey, how’d we do? Holly: 13 dollars. Michael: That’s great and we still have most of our stuff. Good. Holly: Listen about earlier … Michael: No, no, no, no, let’s not talk about that. Holly: It was wrong to put you in that position and… Michael you are my life now. I’m not going to Colorado. Michael: Shhhh. Let’s go on a little walk. You know what? I wanna show you some stuff. Michael: So, this is one of my favorite places in the world. Holly: Why? Michael: This is where Toby announced that he was going to Costa Rica. Happiest day of my life. Until the day you came to replace him. Let’s go in here. Michael: This is where we first kissed. Holly: I remember. Michael: And this is where we first made love. Remember what I tried there? Holly: Michael... [they both laugh] Michael: Through these blinds is where I first saw you, and you had all these boxes, and I thought you were the prettiest mover I had ever seen. And I was sitting at this desk when I called you to tell you that I had herpes and that I was still in love with you and you said that it was over, and that you didn’t love me. Thank goodness none of that was true. Including the herpes. Holly: Yes. Michael: In-grown hair. Michael: Right in here… this is where we first co-ran our meeting. Remember, obesity awareness? Holly: Mh hmm. Michael: We saved a lot of lives that day. That’s where you first met Michael Klump. Holly: Oh, I say, I say, I say I sit on you! Michael: And right over there is where you found out that Meredith was prostituting herself for Outback steak. And I will never forget that you had the cutest look on your face because you couldn’t believe it, you thought it was so wrong. Michael: And over here... Holly: What happened here? Michael: Well, nothing. Nothing really. I would just find an excuse to come here so I could stare at you through that window. This is what I’d do. [runs water through hand] Holly: Nice Michael: Let’s go in here. Holly: [everyone in the office is standing in the kitchen with a lit candle] Hi guys. Michael: This is where our love faces its toughest test. After this, it’s just smooth sailing for the rest of our lives. Jim: Holly, will you marry me? Holly: No. Stanley: Marry me, Holly. Holly: No. Michael: That guy’s got more than he can handle as it is. Oscar: Will you marry me? Holly: No. Michael: That marriage would be a sham. Gabe: Will you marry me? Holly: No. Michael: Easy no. Angela: Will you marry me? Holly: No. Michael: That would be hot. I would pay to see that. Ryan: Will you marry me, Holly? Holly: No. Michael: Only one that I was kind of worried about. Michael: [the area where Holly’s desk is is filled with lit candles] This is where I fell in love with you. And this is where I ask you to marry me. It started with... [fire sprinklers go on] Holly Flax, marrying me will you be? Holly: Your wife becoming me will I. [everyone in the kitchen starts cheering, then enters annex] Kevin: That’s awesome! Pam: Congratulations! Jim: Congratulations! Michael: Thank you. So, guys, guys, guys. We’re moving to Colorado. Kevin: All of us? Michael: Yep. Jim: Wait, what? Michael: Holly has to go back to Colorado. I’m going with her. I’m leaving.