After Hours
Written By: Halsted Sullivan & Warren Lieberstein Directed By: Brian Baumgartner Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Hey Angela, you wanna see a picture of Phillip wearing those little booties you got us? Angela: So cute. Oscar: Hey, you guys want to see a picture of Gerald wearing galoshes? He refused to go out in the rain until I bought these. Now going out in the rain is all he wants to do. Pam: Oscar thinks that having a dog is just like having a baby. Angela: News flash – If you didn’t carry it around for nine months, it isn’t your kid. Pam: Exactly. Unless you adopted, of course. Angela: That is where we disagree. Oscar: Hey, are your little dudes crawling yet? Pam: No, three-month-old humans don’t do that. Angela: My Phillip is crawling. Pam: Angela is such a liar! Oscar: It’s maddening! Oscar: Exactly. That’s just like crate training. All night long, all night long. Pam: Well, count yourself lucky. Wait until you have two. That’s two sleep schedules, two naps that don’t coincide, I mean, you’ll never sleep again. Angela: No one said “you must have two” Oscar: Like her genes are so important. The world just needs more Pam/Jim DNA. Thank you, no. Angela: No thank you. Andy: [laughing] Check this out. My brother just got a new sailboat. He has NO idea what he just got himself into. There’s nothing harder than taking care of a boat… am I right. Angela/Pam: Unbelievable! Oscar: Un-be-liev-a-ble. Nellie: It is the end of the day, it is the end of the week. We managed to fill 40 hours somehow. That’s not bad, is it? Packer: That’s great. Dwight: Pretty good. Nellie: Well, thank you. This is very helpful feedback. [Dwight raises his hand] Dwight, I am still not ready to name a VP. Dwight: [laughing] That’s not what I was going to ask. Gosh, jump to conclusions. Come on, I know, you’ve got so much on your plate. Right now, you’re like ‘oh, what’s more important? Dwight’s question, figure out who’s the VP?’ Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Dwight, VP. Nellie: I can’t be hypnotised, Dwight. I tried it, I ended up smoking more. Dwight: Can we at least eliminate those that are not in the running? Free them up to focus more completely on the menial. Like stacking or sorting, or-- Jim: Catching butterflies. Dwight: That’s a hobby, unless it’s for food. Jim: Theatre. Dwight: Waste of time. Jim: Dragging. Dwight: That’s just a verb. Jim: Dragging sticks. Dwight: Yes, nice, perfect. Dragging sticks. Nellie: Alright, I’m gonna eliminate three people right now, okay? Just… you three, no. Packer: Not good enough [clicks tongue] Dwight: English peoples’ main use today is judging American talent. [British accent] You’re crap. You’re wonderful. [back to American] They’re mean, but they’re incisive. Nellie: Everyone meet in the hotel bar at 7:00. I’m not allowed to say it’s mandatory, so let’s just call it compulsory. Packer: I’ll be there at 6:00 Cathy: Ugh, we’re gonna have one of those crazy nights, aren’t we? Maybe we’ll see the real ‘Talla-nasty’ we’ve been hearing so much about. Jim: ‘Talla-nasty’, very clever. Cathy: Thank you-- Gabe: Wait, wait, you think she invented ‘Talla-nasty?’ [chuckles] no, no, no, no… Jim: Cathy? It’s been great. Fun, normal. [in voiceover] I thought I was gonna be hanging out with Stanley on this trip, but he’s turned out to be kind of a loose cannon. Stanley: My friend and I are new here in Tallahassee. Would you like to get a cocktail? [Jim slowly slinks down in his seat, with the ‘Jim Face’]. Maybe go out for a little dancing. Beautiful day, no? Andy: Okay, everybody. 5:00. Workday is over. Put your pencils down. Aaannnnddd bring ’em back up, because now, the late-night work jam begins! Pam: Yes, the conference room is set up. I’ve got pens, I’ve got paper, I’ve got a whiteboard, we are good to go! Andy: Say what? Pam: We are good to goooo! Andy: Say what? Pam: We’re good to goooo! Angela: Stop it. Andy: Say-- Angela: Stop it. Oscar: Andy. Andy: Tonight, we’re staying late to service the accounts of the people who went on the Florida trip. Pam: Yes, of course, we could’ve just been doing this the whole time, but SOMEONE dropped the ball. Andy: … ball droppings can be beautiful. For example, when it turns an awkward soprano into a rich, full tenor. Packer: Jason Bourne would kick Bond’s ass. Nellie: Jason Bourne has no support staff. His own government’s out to get him. Dwight: Genghis Khan could take ’em both down ’cause he’s not afraid to kill children… What? it’s true. He--he would--he would eviscerate babies and hang them from poles outside of the villages. [Jim taps Dwight on the shoulder] Packer: Okay, drinking game. Count of three, take three sips. Dwight: That’s a stupid game. I got a great drinking game. Okay, everyone empty your pockets. Whoever has the most seeds is the king. Whoever has the least buttons is the hunchback. Gabe: What happens if you’re the hunchback? Dwight: Oh, you get kicked. Jim: How many buttons do you have? Dwight: [takes out bag] 40. Always. Cathy: Can I see? Dwight: Sure. [hands bag to Cathy] Cathy: So, I get to kick you now. Dwight: No, they’re not transferrable just ’cause I handed ’em to you. Cathy: Well, that’s how I played it in college. Jim: College rules. [Cathy throws Jim the bag and Jim kicks Dwight] Dwight: Aah! Packer: Aaaaand he lost at his own lame game. Nellie: Oh, double meaning! The game was lame, and now he’s lame from the kick. Quick wit. Packer: Thank you. [Dwight looks on angrily] Ryan: I’ll have a glass of your oakiest chardonnay, please. Erin: And I will have waffle with your mapliest syrup. Waitress: Sorry, no waffles. Erin: Oh, okay. Just forget it, then. Forget it. Forget it. Ryan: A waffle? Erin: A hotel waffle. I know what I want to eat. Is that crazy? Ryan: No. Erin: I’m moving down here, you know. Ryan: Oh, no, I didn’t know. Erin: I’m young, and I can… and if I can’t, I’m still pretty young. I guess I’ll always be young. Ryan: You come with me. We’re gonna get you that waffle. Ryan: Why would Erin confide in me that she’s staying here in Florida if she didn’t want me to make some last-ditch, nothing to lose, Kelly Ka--who run at her? [Erin walks over] Ryan: Hey. Erin: Hey. Pam: Watson carpet and tile. Kevin: One order. Oscar: Order reference number 00983-126. Phyllis: Eight Cases, bright white inkjet. Angela: Paid. Kelly: I’m dying! Darryl: Processed. Val: And delivered. Kelly: Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sorta feel out what the situation calls for. Nellie: I will be right back. Packer: I will be here. Dwight: Hey. I see what you’re doing. It’s futile. the VP position is mine. Packer: Oh, please, You’re through. She’s going to give it to me as I’m giving it to her tonight. The cowgirl has chosen her saddle. [clicks tongue, whinnies] Dwight: Well, saddles… [clicks tongue, whinnies] … sometimes fall off, especially if you don’t properly cinch the girth. Packer: What? That’s a joke, right? You see the way she’s all over me. Dwight: If anyone’s having sex with Nellie for personal gain, it’s me, and I’m not joking at all. If you don’t tighten your saddle, you may fall off. Andy: Who is ready for dinner? “Oh, I bet it’s pizza, or tacos, or something stupid”. No. [claps] I went south of the border for this. And then I went south of that border. And we have ourselves… [takes foil off tray] [Jamaican accent] A Jamaican feast, mon! [Disapproval from everyone else] Phyllis: If I wanted Jamaican food, I’d just hire a bunch of bodyguards and go there. Andy: Additional trivia factoid, this food comes to us through Val. And our server is none other than Brandon, her boyf! Val: Hey. Brandon: How you doing, Val? [Val and Brandon kiss] Oscar: Jamaican, huh? I just read about the elections down there. Crazy stuff. Brandon: Oh no, I’m not actually Jamaican. Oscar: Terrific. Darryl: What’s up man? I’m Darryl. Brandon: Darryl, I heard about you. You doing good? Darryl: Oh yeah. Brandon: Must be doing real good since you’re f***ing my girlfriend. Everyone: Whoa. Kevin: Dude, you didn’t tell me you were f***ing Val. High five! Darryl: I’m not sleeping with your girlfriend. Val: Brandon, what the hell are you talking about? Brandon: Don’t play dumb with me. I know what’s up. Val: Honey, I am not sleeping with-- Andy: Heyyy... let’s get back to the food. Brandon, tell us about these delicious looking goops! Brandon: Hope you all like goat. Andy: Goat... Nellie: Blow in my ear. Packer: Alright. Nellie: Like I’m on the beach. [Packer blows in Nellie’s ear] Dwight: [imitates seagull calls] Seagull. [continues seagull calls] Nellie: And a wave crashing... a wave crashing. [Packer and Dwight imitate waves] Nellie: Oh, that is lovely. Jim: Alright, that’s gonna do it for me tonight. Have a lovely evening. [Cathy knocks on Jim’s door and Jim answers] Jim: Hey, how’s it going? Cathy: Hey, uh, good. Uh, the heating system though in my room is all messed up. It’s like 90 degrees in there. Maintenance is working on it. Can I hang out here? Jim: Uh... yeah, I’m just watching basketball. Cathy: Okay, yeah. Jim: Okay. Cathy: Cool... [jumps onto bed] Is this March Madness? I love March Madness. Jim: Oh, no, that’s not this ’cause that’s in... March. Uh, this is just the NBA. Professional. Miami Heat, actually, so... [sits on floor] Cathy: LeBron James. Jim: Yes, nice. Good word association Cathy: [giggles] [Cathy walks over to mini fridge and bends over to take something out. Jim looks away] [Packer takes string out of his mouth] Nellie: Impressive. Dwight: Oh please, anyone can tie a knot, the real skill is in untying it [puts string in his mouth] Andy: Thornwood Wholesalers. Kevin: One order. Brandon: I read the text you sent to Val, man. Val: That’s messed up. Angela: Is this spicy? Brandon: No, baby girl. It would be messed up if I didn’t find anything, but I did, so-- Andy: I’m pretty sure if Darryl sent Val a text, it was about some paper emergency or something. Brandon: At midnight? Andy: Yeah... Kevin: It happens! Like a hospital needs more napkins for surgery... Kelly: Guys, we’re not gonna settle anything this way. I think we just need to be grown-ups here. Andy: Thank you. Kelly: I think we’re gonna need to hear those texts. Andy: Kelly, remember how you wanted to go home before? Kelly: No. There’s no way in hell I’m leaving. Something interesting is happening here for once in my life, I am staying here. Darryl, read the texts. [Knock at the door] Jim: Yup, coming. [opens door] All right. Stanley: My mini bar is oddly out of rum. Jim: We have plenty. Stanley: Oh, hello. [laughs with Cathy] Jim: Do you want to watch the game with us? We’re watching a game. The Heat game. Just a game. Stanley: Got it. Good night. Careful Jim, it gets easier and easier. Jim: No, no, no, Stanley. Stanley: mm-hmm. [about to leave] Jim: Stanley. Stanley. Stanley: Uh-huh. Jim: Stanley. Uhh... you know what? Just bring back those bottles! Erin: Whoa. the lights are still on. Ryan: Yeah, they keep them on ’cause it’s less expensive than turning them on and off. Erin: I like how guys just know stuff all the time. Ryan: Girls know a lot of stuff too, okay? And nobody knows more than you. Especially me. Erin: [gasps] Hello, waffle iron. Ryan: Hello, what do we have here? Erin: Okay, so the recipe says we need a mixing bowl-- Ryan: Right. Erin: A measuring cup-- Ryan: Got that. [metallic thud] Get down. Erin: [whispers] It’s the fuzz! Ryan: [whispers] Shh! do you want us to get scolded? Shut your beautiful, beautiful mouth, please. Darryl: “I got too much ice cream. You want some?” “Getting’ my fry on.” Kelly: Boring. Darryl: Uh, “The moon is huge tonight.” Phyllis: Ooh, gosh, the moon one’s damning. Yeah, sorry. Darryl: That’s regular text talk. Brandon: You forgot one. Darryl: “You’re such a great friend.” Brandon: With the dots. Darryl: “You’re such a great friend, dot dot dot dot dot.” Kelly: Five dots, Darryl, are you kidding me? Okay, ’cause three dots means ‘to be continued’, four dots is a typo, but five dots means “Whoa, do not make me say what I want to say, baby, but if I did, it would blow your mind, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Everyone: Oh... Brandon: See? Yes. Thank you, sister. Val: Brandon, Darryl and me? That’s ridiculous, right? Darryl: Yeah, totally crazy. Puts me in an insane asylum just thinking about it. I’m stranded on shutter island over here. Nellie: You look like Ed Harris if they stretched him a little bit. Dwight: You wanna see a picture of me trapped under a tree? [cell phone rings] ... ahhmmm... excuse me... What?! Not now, I’m busy. Jim: [on phone] I’m sorry, I thought you’d want to know that I saw a bedbug in my room. But, never mind, sorry to interrupt. Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait, bedbugs? Oh, no... Freak, I need a favour. Gabe: Well, then you have to call me by my name. Gabriel Susan Lewis. Dwight: I gotta be gone for a few minutes. You make sure that Packer does NOT sleep with Nellie. Gabe: What’s in it for GSL? Dwight: You really want Packer as your boss? Gabe: Got it. Dwight: If Jim has bedbugs, that means they’re everywhere. I can’t risk them coming back to Schrute Farms. Our biggest attraction is our 200-year-old mattresses. Dwight: Where did you see it? Jim: In the bed. Cathy: I haven’t seen anything. Dwight: We gotta find it before it eggs. [Dwight pulls sheets off bed] Cathy: Jeez... Dwight: Describe it. Jim: Brown, shiny, painful bite. Dwight: Could be a bat weevil... Describe its mood. Did it seem sleepy? Jim: Stressed, but to be fair, it was a tense situation. Dwight: Fair enough, but after it bit you, did it run away fearful, or did it walk away smug, self-assured? Jim: So smug. Like he thought it was funny, like this. Dwight: Pshh. That’s a bedbug. Jim: Yeah. Dwight: Everything’s a joke. Jim: I know. Dwight: Check your hair! [checks Jim’s hair] Jim: Ow. Dwight: God, oh. So greasy, you should just shave all this. Jim: Just check it. Dwight: You are clean. Okay...One thing a bedbug thrives on is heat and carbon dioxide [starts running in place and turning up the thermostat] I am going to generate myself into a human trap. [starts to take off clothes] When I jump into the bed, you are going to cover me with the sheet immediately. And then we’ll see who’s laughing. [dastardly laugh] Jim: Alright. Dwight: Yeah. [jumps into bed] Cover me! Cathy: Is this really necessary? Jim: He knows what he’s doing. Dwight: Let the bedbug’s bite! Cathy: Ugh, God, I feel so gross. I have to go take a shower. Jim: Alright, then I will catch you later...What do we do now? Dwight: We wait. [shower starts] Come to papa. Jim: Oh. [Packer and Nellie are speaking softly to each other. Gabe sprays his inhaler into Packer’s drink] Jim: I don’t know, Dwight, I think maybe you should check again. Dwight: Nope, I wasn’t bitten. Jim: Well, maybe it isn’t warm enough in here. Dwight: Oh, it’s plenty warm, and I was farting continuously under the sheet, creating a kind of greenhouse effect. Jim: Come on. Dwight: If there were any in here, They would’ve imbedded themselves in me. Jim: You know what? Maybe they just ate. Dwight: No, you’re good. Clean bill of health! Besides I gotta get back downstairs. I left Packer alone with Nellie for way too long. Jim: Okay, they’re fine. They’re adults. Dwight: No, that’s the problem. Packer is trying to bed Nellie for the VP job unless I do it first. Jim: Is that really how you want to get this job? Dwight: Such a chorus girl. Jim: Okay, Dwight...Dwight...Dwight, Dwight Dwight!...uh... Cathy: [in a bathrobe] Is crazy gone? [Jim does his signature face] [Nellie and Packer are dancing. Gabe winks at Dwight. Packer pukes all over Gabe’s slacks and walks off] Nellie: Oh! Gabe: They don’t make these cords in boot cut anymore! Dwight: Euughh...Pathetic, huh? A real man swallows his vomit when a lady is present...Hey. Cathy: Yeah, one death by chocolate, one bananas foster...Okay, cool. Thanks...I know, I’m a pig, right? Jim: Hmm? No. Cathy: [giggles] Wait, this why I exercise like a fiend. Feel. Seriously. Jim: Okay alright. [gets up] I’m really sorry, uh, I just have to say it. I’m-I’m married. I’m very happily married. Cathy: Oh my God, what are you thinking? Jim: um...I mean- Cathy: I know that you’re married, I sat at your wife’s desk. How little do you think of me? Jim: I’m sorry, I feel like maybe I’m-I’m I misread things. Okay, let’s just go back to watching. Cathy: Can you...without running to the other side of the room all night? Jim: Yes, I can. [Cathy laughs] uh, all right. I’m really sorry. I think we’ll just...we’ll just watch. You can watch, not watch, whatever you want to do. Take another shower, I don’t care. Cathy: Okay. [Sits next to Jim] I am so cold. Jim: [Jim Face] Pam: Hey, Darryl. You okay? Darryl: She’s got a boyfriend. Andy: Play it cool, man. She’ll come around. Pam: No, you should go for it. I mean nothing would’ve happened with me and Jim if he didn’t put himself out there. Andy: Yeah, but...My friend Jim would tell you to play it cool. Pam: My husband would tell you to go for it. Ryan: Hey. Erin: Hey. Ryan: Hey. Erin: Hey. Ryan: Hey, this is fun. Erin: A lot of fun. Ryan: I know. Can I give you a compliment? I’m really impressed by how much you’ve grown. Since I met you, it’s like night and day. Erin: You should move down here with me. Ryan: Yeah? Erin: We could be roommates. Ryan: Really? Erin: We could get a dog. We could go to R-rated movies. And who knows, I mean, you’re a guy, I’m a girl-- Ryan: Yeah. Erin: Maybe in six months-- Ryan: [louder] Six months? Um, okay, I’m in love with Kelly. Nellie: Put your forehead near mine, and see if you can read my thoughts. Dwight: Okay...Seven, one, one, nine... Nellie: No, no, no, not numbers, no. Dwight: No, okay. Nellie: No. Dwight: Try again...Ugh, I’m still getting numbers! Seven, one, one...is anyone around here thinking the numbers seven one one? ‘Cause please stop, okay? Nellie: Dwight, give me a key card to your room. Meet me in seven minutes for some one-on-one time. Dwight: [gasps] Wait, the numbers! Nellie: Mm-hmm. Dwight: Oh... Nellie: Mm-hmm... Dwight: There you go. Nellie: I will see you in seven-- Dwight: Seven minutes. [Dwight and Nellie kiss] Dwight: Nellie, wait. Let me write my room number on the card. [chuckles] [Dwight writes on the key card scratches it with a magnet and hands it back to Nellie] Dwight: [in voiceover] Win at all costs, don’t respect women. These are the tenets I was brought up with, and they have served me well. But my ancestors never worked in corporate America, and before that, hunters. And before that, time travellers. And before that, me again. At least, that’s how the legend goes. The point is they never had to worry about how they got ahead. They just had to put food on the table and not alter the past. Angela: 1434-967, paid. Darryl: It has been processed. Val: It has been delivered. Pam: That’s it, last one. [everyone applauds] Kelly: Andy this has been an amazing night. Epic. Andy: Cool-down fiesta begins right now. I got decaf coffee... Phyllis: No way. Andy: I got Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion... Val: Hey. I just wanted to apologise. I mean, that was so weird. Can we just, like, never talk about it again? Darryl: Sure. Val: Okay, thanks. Darryl: Hey, just so you know, me and you...I don’t think that’s ridiculous...Dot, dot, dot...dot, dot. [Jim walks into his room to find a bathrobe on the floor] Jim: All right. Now I think it’s time for you to go. Cathy: What? Oh, Jim, I thought we talked about this. You’re cool, right? Jim: Cathy, go. Dwight: [wearing face mask with spray chemicals in hand] Where’s the bug? Jim: Awesome. Dwight: [sprays the bed and Cathy] Stand back! Cathy: Aah! Stop, it, oh my god! That burns! what is that?! Dwight: [continues spraying the bed] It’s a compound of chemicals I pulled off the maid’s cart! Cathy: [coughs and moans] Jim: Right there! [points to Cathy] Cathy: Oh, stop it, stop it, stop it! Jim: [coughs] Oh, big one! Big one! Really big one! Cathy: I can’t breathe! Dwight: I think I saw it! Cathy: Stop it! [runs out the door] Jim: Nice job, I think you got ’em. Dwight: You can’t stay here, this place is a biohazard. If I were you, I’d just bunk with Cathy. Jim: [Jim face] Dwight: Second best Bananas Foster I’ve ever had. Jim: Oh yeah? What’s the first best? Nellie: [at the door, unsuccessfully trying to open it with the demagnetised key card] Dwight? [knocks] Hello? Dwight? Jim: [whispers] Is that Nellie? Dwight: [whispers] Don’t let-shh! Nellie: Are you in there? I can see the light on under your door. Hello? [knocks] [Dwight turns off the lights] Oh, look at that. The light went off, just as I said the light went on. Hello? [knocks] Dwight? [whispers] Dwight. [Dwight eats his Bananas Foster]