Free Family Portrait Studio
Written By: B.J. Novak Directed By: B.J. Novak Transcribed By: Admin Oscar: [to webcam] Hello. My name’s Oscar. I’m an accountant in Scranton, Pennsylvania and I’m gay. And I’m here to tell you that yes--it does get better. When I was younger, um-- Phyllis: What’s he doing? Dwight: He’s searching out younger gays. Phyllis: Oh. Oscar: No, it’s just a way to tell young people, no matter how hard it gets for them, there’s a brighter future ahead. Dwight: With you. [chuckles] Oscar: No matter how hard it gets for you, eh--Kelly, seriously, I-- Kelly: Just keep chatting. I’m just checking my makeup in your webcam. Oscar: Do you not own a mirror? Kelly: Webcams make me look the way I do in my fantasies. Pam: I know, right? What is it? You always look so good in those things. Kelly: I’m throwing out all my mirrors. Oscar: Okay, as you can see, I now have a cool job at a dynamic workplace. Being gay is a celebration of life, it’s a simple-- Robert: No, I’m sorry, I just can’t sit idly by and have the gay youth of America misled by some reductionist-- Oscar: It’s not misleading. Robert: Pep talk. Sexuality is a spectrum. It’s a paradox to think of any sexual activity as “normal.” It gets better but it also gets vastly more complicated. Kevin: Hey, Robert, that guy, he looks just like you. [Robert backs into Kevin’s nose] Kevin: Ooh! [whimpers] Robert: Ow! Damn it, Kevin! God! Dwight: You okay, Robert? Robert: Fine. Dwight: Put some ice on it. Oscar: In any case, it gets better. [Kevin cries] Oscar: Maybe--maybe not much better… but better. Sasha: One, two, three! Dwight: I wanted to give a nice gift to the tenants in the building. At first, I thought, “muffin basket.” Then I thought, “What’s even more precious to people than muffins?” Jake: Can you just smile, please? Meredith: I don’t want to! Dwight: Their own children. Dwight: Hey everybody, just a few hours left for the free family portrait studio. Darryl. We’d love to see little Jada come by. Angela? Why don’t you bring by your little angel? Angela: No thank you. Dwight: Jim, you’ve got those two cute kids. We sure would love to see them. Jim: I know why you’re doing this, Dwight. Jim: Last week, I may have gone too far. I’ll explain it quickly. Basically, I found out where he gets his clothes dry-cleaned. Custom ordered the same suit, made with tear-away Velcro. And… you can fill in the rest. [Jim rips off his clothes] Dwight: Wha— [Stanley laughs] Dwight: Damn it, Jim! Jim: Now he’s trying to get me to bring my children in to work. I think it’s fair to be cautious. Darryl: Let me get this straight. You lost all of it. All your winnings. A hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Hide: Bad economy. Bad investment. Darryl: You mean to tell me no one wanted an energy drink for Asian homosexuals? Calvin: They did not. Darryl: And you got half a million of these? Well, I gotta try it. Calvin: I wouldn’t. Darryl: Aw, come on. What’s the harm? [makes face] Mmm. What flavour was that? Hide: Coconut penis. Darryl: The coconut’s pretty subtle. Calvin: Come on, man. Can’t you just give us a yes or a, no? Darryl: I don’t know, man. Y’all quit with a lot of confidence. I mean, it was like, y’all came up in here dancing and everybody was-- [sees Val] ooh, hold on a second. [sees Brandon] Oh. Darryl: If I were Val, I would break up with Brandon. Then I would date the hell out of me. I wouldn’t give in to me too fast, let me buy myself some nice dinners and such. But when I finally did give in, I would go crazy on myself. Andy: [wearing janitor outfit] Hi guys. Jim: How’s it going, man? Andy: [whimpering] I’m--I’m good, thank you. And how are you? Jim: Great, yeah, good. Gabe: Oh, how the mediocre have fallen. Nellie: Oh, God. Andy: Look, I’m not here to get my old job back. I had my opportunity, I blew it, I’m moving on. I just wanted to come in here and literally beg you for something, anything. I will sweep the floors, water the plants… Nellie: No, you don’t understand-- Andy: Clean the toilets. Nellie: I don’t need anyone to-- Andy: Pull the poop out of the toilets. Nellie: That’s not even a thing. Andy: Just, please… Nellie: Andy. Andy: Please! Nellie: Andy. Andy: Give me something! Nellie: Why don’t you clean the carpets for today? Andy: Thank you. Nellie: You’re welcome. Up you get then. Pick yourself up. There it is. Andy: Thank you. Nellie: You don’t need to-- Andy: I have a delicious secret. Creed: Good, good. This carpet’s overdue for a good mopping. Jim: Is a mop the most efficient tool to use on a carpet? Andy: Yeah, it is actually. Andy: Mmm, I can’t hold it in any longer. Um, I am faking this, okay? Because I convinced David Wallace to buy Dunder Mifflin back from Sabre. And at three o’clock today he’s gonna walk in here and reinstate me as manager. Pam: [enters with the kids] Family picture! Jim: Pam? No! Pam: What? Honey, we talked about this. Jim: No, we talked about not bringing them in to Dwight’s photo studio slash trap. Pam: Yes, and then we decided that was crazy. Jim: No, we decided it was crazy not to worry about it. Pam: No, we settled in a much more rational place, remember? Jim: Nope. Pam: We decided that there’s no way Dwight would harm a child. Jim: But are you a hundred percent sure? I don’t think any of us are. Pam: No, no. Jim: Nope. Pam: But it’s free. And we’ll keep our eye on them. Jim: That’s-- Pam: Yes! Jim: That’s-- Pam: And we’ll make sure Dwight doesn’t do anything C-R-A-Z-Y. Jim: Okay. Kevin: Wait, C-R-A-Z… Dwight: Great, right up there. Pam: Yeah? Jim: Yeah. You just sit right here. Here we go. Pam: Okay. Jim: Alright. Why don’t you just-- Pam: Oh, great. Thank you. Jim: Give him to me and… perfect. Pam: Okay. Jim: This is great. Pam: You ready? Jim: Excuse me. Pam: There we go. Jim: Just do it. Pam: I’ll just stand here? Jim: Yeah, just keep your eye on Dwight, great. Photographer: Sir, could you look into the camera? Jim: Let’s do it, shoot it. Photographer: Sir. Jim: Great. Dwight: Up here. [whistles] Jim: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dwight: Jim, right here, right here. [snaps fingers] Okay, good. Jim: Oh, so that’s it? Dwight: That’s it. Pam: See? That wasn’t so hard. Dwight: Cute kids, thanks for coming. Senator Lipton: Hello, Erin. Hello, everybody. Angela: Uh, what? Why? Uh, hi honey. What--how are you doing? Senator Lipton: Hi, you know, my office got a call that they were shooting family portraits right here. And if there’s one thing that every politician instinctively understands, it’s a good photo op. Phyllis: [laughs] Yeah. Angela: Heh. Erin: Okay, you’re going to go through the hallway. Here’s a map. And if you get lost, just follow the blue line. [points to line on floor] Senator Lipton: Thanks. Dwight: Well, well, well. Senator Lipton, welcome. Angela. Angela: Dwight. Dwight: Nice to see you. May I hold him? Senator Lipton: Sure. Angela: No. I am going to hold him because I haven’t seen him all day. Angela: I think that Dwight is doing this whole thing to, um, get a sample of my baby’s DNA to prove he’s the father. Which… is impossible… because the senator is the only man I’ve ever been with. Angela: [Phillip cries] See the duckie! Dwight: Okay, hold on for a second, folks. A few of the baby’s hairs are out of place. Senator Lipton: Oh, thank you. Angela: [slaps Dwight’s hand away] No. No. I like the baby’s hair the way it is. Dwight: Really? Andy: This is getting more and more delicious by the minute. [gargles alcohol, chokes, coughs] It’s go time. Andy: Hey Nellie, I made soup--I made you some soup. Nellie: Well, I don’t want any soup. Andy: But it’s really good-- [drops soup] Oh! Nellie: Oh, come on, Andy! Erin: I know this is going to be a great payoff. Andy: A delicious moment. Erin: But after your manager, some of these images are going to be hard to shake. Andy: Well, but it-- Erin: Just calibrate. Okay? Calibrate. Dwight: Okay, here we go. Oh, you know what? I don’t want to throw a wrench in the works, but I want everything to be perfect and the baby’s fingernails are just bothering me-- Angela: Uh-uh, leave us alone. Senator Lipton: I guess we’re okay with the fingernails. Dwight: Okay, great. Suit yourself. Although, are those excess skin cells on the baby’s cheek distracting to you as well? Angela: Dwight, we’re fine! Senator Lipton: Oopsie, did somebody make a boopsie? Angela: Oh, no. [laughs] Senator Lipton: I’m just gonna take him out and change him just for a second. Dwight: He defecated, aw. Senator Lipton: You’re stinky. Darryl: A lot has changed since y’all left, okay? You’re gonna have to jump through some hoops. And the new foreman is here. Now she’s one of the best we’ve ever known, okay? So, I need you to show her your upmost respect. Make sure she feels welcome and at home, okay? Can you do that? Brandon: That’s some pretty blatant complementing you’re doing there, man. I don’t even talk to her like that. Val: Uh, Brandon? Darryl: I would. Brandon: You would? Darryl: Yeah. Brandon: Sounds like you’re trying to hit on my girlfriend. Val: Calm down, he’s not. Darryl: Yes, I am. Just so everyone’s on the same page. Brandon: [scoffs] So you really think she’s gonna leave a guy who owns his own restaurant for a dude who ate his own restaurant? Val: Brandon! Darryl: Good slam. Brandon: Thank you, Biggie. Darryl: Good luck to you. Brandon: Oh, and have a burger for me. Senator Lipton: Okay, shall we take a few more? Angela: I think we have all the shots we need. Thank you, Dwight. Senator Lipton: Okay. There we go. Angela: No! Dwight! Give me the diaper! Dwight! Dwight: Is this what you were looking for? Huh? Huh? Toby: Andy, we wanted to talk to you. A lot of us are very concerned about you. Nellie: You’re dirty, you stink of booze, you’re limping inexplicably. Andy: I just want you guys not to worry. ‘Cause old Andy’s gonna be just fine. Jim: No, no, see? This is what we’re talking about. I mean, what was that accent? And last time I checked, you were drunk and now you’re not drunk… Erin: No, unfortunately it’s true. He’s been a nightmare. And the worst part is, he’s been taking it out on me. Nellie: What? Pam: You hit her? Andy: No. That is not the deal. Calibrate. Erin: He’s not hitting me. But he’s been verbally abusing me-- Andy: That’s not true either! That’s also total--Everyone, please relax. I think you’re gonna like this surprise guest. Gabe: [enters] Happy birthday to Gabe! Nellie: Oh, get out, skeleton man! Toby: I can refer you to someone to talk to. Andy: [his phone rings] Huh? Hold on. Toby: Give you a name or-- Andy: I just gonna--quick--[answers phone] Hello? Hey, what’s the scoop? Are you close? What? No. no, no, no, no, no. You have to come now. Traffic clears? No, next Friday… that’s not gonna work. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [inhales, hangs up] Damn it! Well, this is not going to be quite as delicious as I wanted, but I do have a very tasty announcement for you guys. Not only am I not a lowly janitor, I am the regional manager once again! Guys, I got my old job back! Jim: Oh, boy. Pam: Oh, Andy. Oscar: What? Andy: I’m not crazy. I convinced David Wallace to give me my job back. Oscar: David Wallace hasn’t worked here in years. Andy: Okay, yes, I see the confusion. I saw David at the fundraiser. He is now a multi-millionaire because he sold his toy vacuum “Suck It” to the U.S. military. Jim: Andy, come on. Kevin: Even I know that’s weird. Andy: I--I--Okay, I get how that sounds crazy. Toby: Hey, Andy, nobody’s calling you crazy, Andy. We’re your friends, Andy. Andy: Stop saying my name. Erin: No, he’s not making this up. Andy: Thank you, Erin. Erin: Andy tells me about seeing David Wallace all the time. Pam: But have you ever actually seen him yourself? Erin: Oh, my God. Andy: Erin, come--Come on. You know I’ve been talking to David Wallace. Toby: Do you see David Wallace in the room right now? Dwight: [into phone] Operation Phoenix is a go. Just get the car ready. Kelly: Now you look at me like you’re adoring me, I’m gonna look at the camera like I don’t even know you’re there. Ravi: I do adore you. Robert: Andrew, it’s time for you to go home. You’re better than this. Andy: Yeah, I know. Robert: Everyone’s better than this, because this is the worst thing I have ever seen. [drinks coconut penis energy drink] Why’d they add coconut? I miss original. Jim: Hey. Others: Hey! David: Hey guys, long time. Pam: David, what are you doing here? Phyllis: Is it true you’re buying the company? David: Okay, I guess the word is out. Uh, please keep this a secret, but yes, I’ve been talking with Andy-- Andy: What? Thought I heard my name. What? I’m the new manager? David: I’ll get to that in a second, Andy. Andy: But it’s--it is--it is me? Right? David: Yes, as we’ve discussed-- Andy: What? David: But it’s very possible-- Andy: Oh, my God! David: Probable. Andy: Wow. From janitor to manager? David: Yep. Andy: That’s quite a Cinderella story. From M-O-P to M-V-P. David: There’s an official announcement, a few details to be-- Andy: From total loss to total boss, I mean-- Stanley: Can we expect any payroll interruptions? David: Now that is a great question, Stanley. Right now, I think all your operations or most of your operations are pretty much down in Florida, so to shift back up-- Andy: I was so looking forward to that and it did not… go as I thought it would. Phyllis: So, we’re not gonna be a part of Sabre anymore? David: Actually, nothing is gonna be a part of Sabre anymore. Jo Bennett’s planning on liquidating the rest of the company. Robert: Oof. [laughs] Wouldn’t wanna be a Sabre employee right about now. [laughs] I’m actually the CEO. David: Ah, I didn’t realise you were standing there. Robert: Hey, my friend, trust me. This is for the best. I never understood that corporate mess. David: Well, okay. Great to meet you. Robert: Likewise, I’m Bob. Bob Kazamakis. David: Pleasure. Robert: I’d love to give you a little rundown on what I’ve learned about this place. David: That’s very gracious of you, Bob. I would love that. Robert: Please. [laughs] Andy: Guess I’d better take off these dirty rags. Figure out how to be a manager of this place. Jim: Perhaps your year of experience managing this branch will come in handy. Andy: Gosh, I hope so. Angela: No! God, Mose! God! Mose: Hi, Angela. Angela: Get out of the car! Get out! Where is he? Mose: I’m not supposed to say. Angela: Yes! [slaps Mose] Tell me! Tell me where he is! Mose, damn it! Where did he go? Mose! Get back here! Darryl: [taking photo with Jada] Let’s see that smile. Go on. [waves to Val] Val: [stands next to him] Right here? Darryl: Cool. Andy: Looks like I might get my delicious moment after all. Nellie: May I say one thing? Andy: It would be rude of me not to let you say whatever’s on your mind. Nellie: The quality of mercy is not strained. Andy: No. Nellie: It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. Andy: Do not bring Shakespeare into this. How dare you play the bard card? Nellie: It blesseth he who gives, and he who takes. ‘Tis mightiest in the mightiest. Andy: I just want one mother[bleep] delicious moment. Is that too much to ask? Andy: If I were to hire you back. If. What do you think you would do well? Nellie: Special projects manager, that’s my background. I just go around doing whatever I want. Andy: All right, you sly bastard. When can you start? David: Okay everyone. I had a conversation with Bob, and since I am going to be CEO now there’ll be no need for him. Meredith: Ouch. That’s gotta hurt! David: But he is going to be making so much money from the liquidation, he’s gonna be freed up to do something much more important. Robert: David has generously offered to donate one million dollars in matching funds to a cause that’s very dear to me. So, for the next three years, I’ll be travelling overseas, concentrating all of my efforts on educating--mentoring, some African, some Asian, but mainly Eastern European women. David: I had no idea how pervasive this problem was until Bob explained it to me. Robert: Oprah Winfrey’s leadership academy and other schools like it, while wonderful, end with high school. I want to see these girls right through college, especially the gymnasts. They’ve lost so many years of crucial education to perfecting their bodies. Muscle groups the rest of us can’t even fathom. Andy: Gymnasts? You’re going to seek out uneducated gymnasts? Robert: Yeah, so I’m hoping to identify some truly exceptional women who show great promise. Well, Andy, it’s been fun. Andy: Mm. Mm-hmm. [Andy and Robert hug, Robert kisses Andy on the lips] Robert: It’s been a great year. Dwight: Hello. Angela: Where is it? Dwight: They’re testing it now. Angela: How long does it take to get the results? Dwight: Seventy-two hours. Angela: You’re gonna wait here? Dwight: Yes. [Angela sits and holds his hand] Angela: [Dwight kisses her] Dwight, I can’t do this. Dwight! Senator Lipton: Hey. Oscar: Senator Lipton. Hey, how are you? Senator Lipton: You didn’t call. Oscar: Um, well, uh, the issue that I--that concerned me… Senator Lipton: You know what this is about. [the Senator covers Phillip’s eyes] Call.