Welcome Party
Written By: Jonathan Green & Gabe Miller Directed By: David Rogers Transcribed By: Admin Fake Jim: Morning, Dwight Dwight: Who are you? Fake Jim: Who am I? I’m Jim. We’ve been working together for twelve years. Weird joke, Dwight. Dwight: You’re not Jim. Jim’s not Asian. Fake Jim: You seriously never noticed? Hey, hats off to you for not seeing race. Dwight: Alright then, Jim. Uh, why don’t you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday? Fake Jim: Uh, Wellington systems? Sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock. Or were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I didn’t close that one yet, but I’m hoping I’ve got a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me. Voicemail: Please enter your password. Voicemail: You have one new message. Dwight: How did you know? No! No, no. That is sensitive information... Only for employees, not outsiders! Fake Jim: Dwight, cut it out. I’m trying to work. Dwight: You don’t work here! You’re not Jim! Pam: Jim, I got us that dinner reservation. Grico’s, 7:30. Fake Jim: Oh great. Can’t wait. [Fake Jim kisses Pam] Pam: Jim’s at the dentist this morning, and Steve is an actor friend of ours. Dwight: I don’t know who you are, but you are not Jim. This is Jim! [Dwight shows fake Jim the Halpert family portrait but notices that Jim and the kids have been replaced with fake Jim and Asian kids] Dwight: Oh my--Oh d--Oh, how did-- [gasps] Huhhhhh! Erin: Heyyy, study buddies! Darryl: Oh, okay. Erin: “Getting Things Done”. Awesome! Darryl: It’s all about finding ways to make yourself more efficient. Life hacking, baby. This morning, I brushed my teeth in the shower. Saved myself 90-seconds. Which I just used to explain this to you. Damn it! Darryl: Since Andy promoted me to Assistant Regional Manager, I’ve been trying to step my game up. You know, be more productive. In fact, you know what? Let’s knock out a few more of these sound bites while we’re here. Whoa! That person has really gotten him--or herself--into quite a predicament. Erin: [speaking in French] S’il vous plait… dites-moi… [nonsensical mispronounce French] Dwight: Ah, French. It’s a great language. If you’re a chain-smoking acrobat. Erin: I’m just trying to fit in better with Andy’s family. They all speak more than one language. Usually when I’m there! Dwight: You wanna learn a really impressive second language? Try Dothraki. Win over any man in my guild. Dwight: Dothraki is the native tongue of the nomadic, war-mongering horse lords of Essos, as featured in the superb Home Box Office series, Game of Thrones. It has a lot of nudity. Which I fast-forward through to get to the chopped-off heads. Dwight: I could teach you if you want, it’s a lot easier than French. Erin: Yeah. Let’s do it. Dwight: Athdavrazar! Erin: [shocked] Oh-- Dwight: It means “excellent”. And we have begun. Pam: [asks Nellie who is tapping a pen on her desk] Is everything okay? Nellie: Hmm? Oh--oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine. Fine, fine, fine. I’m mean, I d--I just don’t want to burden you with my massive stress freakouts. Pam: Great. Nellie: It’s just that I am taking my driver’s license test in two days, and I need to practice with an experienced driver in the car. But I’ve had no time to do that, thanks to “Demandy”. [Points to Andy’s office with her thumb] I just want to hit the open road and drive, man! But… in whose car? Andy: Nellie! Get your wrinkly old balls in here. Nellie: [sighs] Pam: Nellie, I could practice with you in my car at lunchtime. Nellie: Oh, Pam, thank you! You are my saviour! [giggling] [hugs Pam] Pam: Oh, my God-- Nellie: Ohh-- [giggling] Pam: I’m sorry I’m leaving you alone for lunch. Jim: Don’t worry about it. I have a thing. A thing of soup. Which I’ve been wanting to try. Nellie: This is my research into how we might produce child-proof paper that doesn’t give you paper cuts. We can’t. And here is a printout of your genealogy from thisisyourfamilytree.com Andy: Executive-summary me. Hit the highlights. Nellie: Well, it turns out, you are a distant blood relative of Michelle Obama! Andy: As in-- Nellie: Wife of Barack. Loves gardening, wants to wipe out fat children. Andy: [mouthing silently] Wow! Andy: This is super-flattering. She’s the most popular person in America. This is a big day for both of us. Andy: My fellow Americans, I have a feeling my approval rating is about to go through the roof. Turns out, I am related to Michelle Obama. Erin: I was intimidated by Andy’s family before. And now I have to see the First Lady at holidays? She’s gonna be like, “What’s your stance on politics?” or, “What is the best war to do?” And, I will just be like, “Duh--”. Andy: All right! We gotta get rid of all this junk food. Get fit, America! Not sure if the buzz has reached the annex yet, but, uh, I’m related to Michelle Obama. [Clark and Peter clap] Pete: Yeah, we noticed early on, Andy really appreciates enthusiasm. Clark: So, we decided the best way to get ahead here is to be his cheerleaders. Clark: Ohh! [Pete and Clark clap when Andy slams dunks his garbage into the bin] [Pete and Clark clap when Andy prints a paper copy out] [Pete and Clark when the water cooler jar makes bubbles while Andy is standing next to it] Clark: It’s starting to have this reverse effect, though, where I really do think the stuff he does is awesome. Pete: Yeah, me too. It’s weird. Hard to remember what’s real at this point. Clark: Just clap through it, man. Darryl: You’re logging sales at ten different times. If you log ‘em all at once, you save a lot of time. It’s called batching. Jim: That was really good, Darryl. Darryl: Life hacking, man. Andy: There he is! Jim: Andy, you gotta check this out. He just -- Andy: [shushing syllables] Right now, I need canned tuna, okay? Darryl, guess which talented individual, who also has a killer singing voice, is related to the First Lady? Darryl: Tracee Ellis Ross. Daughter of the First Lady of Motown, Diana Ross. Andy: It’s me! [chuckling] I’m related to Michelle Obama. Darryl: What? Really? Andy: I mean, it’s distant, but-- Darryl: [chuckles] That’s cool, man. Andy: Right? Andy: Darryl said, “Cool, man.” He called me a cool man. Pam: You know, I really do think it would be worth it to pull over and just take ten minutes to eat. Nellie: Mm--the thing is, Pam, I’m gonna be eating while I’m driving, so, I might as well get good at it. Pam: Brake lights. Brake lights. Brake lights, brake lights! [tires squealing] Nellie: Whoo! Oscar: I’m just saying, what does it imply in this country when a white person shares an ancestor with a black person? Phyllis: You think that Andy’s family owned slaves? Stanley: Well, somebody owned somebody. And I don’t think anybody would buy an Andy. Dwight: I throat-rip. Erin: Foth aggendak! Dwight: You throat-rip. Erin: Foth aggendi! Dwight: He-she-it throat-rips. Erin: Foth agenda! Dwight: More of a barbaric growl. Erin: [growling] Forth agenda. Dwight: Louder! You’re shouting it from the back of a horse! Erin: Foth aggenda! Pam: Pretty crazy about Andy and Michelle Obama, huh? Nellie: [laughing] Yeah. It’s almost unbelievable. Pam: What? Nellie: Well, you know how Andy has been really salting my onions lately? Pam: Sure. Nellie: Well, when he asked me to look up his ancestry online, I remembered that news story about Michelle Obama having white relatives, and I just knew he would eat that up. Pam: So, he’s not related to Michelle Obama? Nellie: Pam, I barely know how to turn on my computer. Pam: [laughs] Pam: Nellie’s pretty fearless. And I think she might be maybe even almost sort of fun. Nellie: [whispering] Pam! [she pretends to slam a wrench over the tire service guy’s head] Pam: [laughs] Oscar: Well, if there’s another explanation, I don’t really see what it could possibly be. I-- Andy: What’s going on here? I’m related to the First Lady, okay? Get over it. [chuckles] I still need weekly status reports from most of you. So, can we get back to work, please? Get back to work. [Mimics whip-cracking] Oscar: Andy-- [mimics whip-cracking] Andy, no! I would be very polite today. Andy: Why, is it employees’ day or something? I cannot keep track of these B.S. holidays. Oscar: Your connection to Michelle Obama has certain negative connotations. Most likely, your family were… slave owners. Andy: Does anyone else think it’s possible that I come from slave owners? [everyone raises their hands] Darryl: Whoa. That person has really gotten him, or herself-- into quite a predicament. Andy: Hey, mom, it’s Andy, give me a call when you get a chance. Got a quick question for you. Uh, no big deal, just about America’s national shame. Thanks, bye. Where were we? Uh--yes. Okay. Your… productivity thing. Darryl: Yes, yes, yes. Andy: Great. Ooh, spreadsheets. Yum, yum. Darryl: I included some time-saving ideas… Andy: Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m a teensy bit distracted right now. Darryl: Look, Andy, even if your ancestors did own slaves, it wouldn’t be your fault. This is only weird if you make it weird. Andy: [snaps his fingers] Right on, brother. Word dat. Darryl: Mm-- Erin: Ador! Dwight: Daras. Erin: Qazer! Dwight: Daras. [asks the rest of the office] Does anyone here have fermented mare’s milk? Pete: Hey, Erin. Erin: Atchomar Chomakaan! Pete: Oh--okay. Sorry. Nellie: Oh, still, it must great to have something else going on outside of work. Pam: Yeah--turn signal. It’s exciting to be painting again-- those are the wipers. So, the-- it’s just--there you go. Yeah. [chuckling] Yeah, things get so busy with the kids--red light--that it’s nice to have that creative outlet-- red light, red light, red, red-- [tires screeching] Nellie: That is brilliant, Pam. I’d love to see some of your work. Pam: Well, since we’re stopped at a light… uh, here is…the mural I did for Angela’s baby. Nellie: That’s amazing, Pam. Oh, I love the lion in the tuxedo. Pam: Angela insisted that all the animals be fully clothed. Andy: Heyyy, has anyone turned in their status reports up here? Erin: Vos. Andy: So, no? Do you think maybe you could remind people? I’m trying to downplay the whole bossy-boss thing today. Erin: Because of your slaves. Andy: Not my slaves, my ancestors’. Maybe. Probably not. Erin: Well, if it makes you feel any better, the Dothraki word for “slave master,” azzafrok, is a term of respect. I’m learning how to speak Dothraki. Color you impressed? Andy: That you’re learning a made-up language from HBO’s Game of Thrones? Andy: I have a lot going on today, but this was a great nerd-out. Erin: Dwight, you didn't tell me you were teaching me a fake language. Dwight: People laughed at Klingon at first, and now you can major in it. Andy: Hi, guys. Phillis: Hey, boss, I am so thirsty, can I have a scoop of water? Andy: Yeah. You don't have to ask me-- Phillis: [stifled laughter] Andy: Ha ha. Okay, great. Very funny. I get it. Just because my ancestors happened to be-- [cell phone ringtone playing Dixie] Andy: Very funny, Kevin changed my ringtone. Very funny. I liked the original song on my ringtone. Which, you may remember, was Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes by Paul Simon, featuring, Ladysmith African-American Mambazo. Pam: Good. Very good. [cell phone beeping] Oh--No. Here, it’s, uh, a text from Andy. "New special proj. Need fam. Tree for evbody.” "Really dig up dirt. ASAP." And then in parentheses, he wrote out, "As soon as possible." Nellie: Oh, God. Ugh, looks like it's pretendy time again. Write back, "Looking for dirt." Pam: Oh, can I help? We could say someone is related to, um, Tonya Harding. Nellie: Pam, I'm related to Tonya Harding. Pam: Oh--Gee, I'm-- Nellie: No, I'm just practicing my lying. I love it! Pam: Brilliant. Nellie: What should we say about Jim? Pam: Um, oh--uh, I’ll say he's related to Richard Nixon! It's an inside joke. He looks really Nixon-y when he wakes up. Nellie: My ex behaved like Nixon. All of the lying, none of the sexual charisma. I just made a joke then. Pam: I'm sorry. lt's just, um--I actually do have this weird feeling that there's something Jim isn't telling me. Nellie: Oh, no. Ugh, an affair. It is always an affair. Pam: Jim? No. Nellie: [sighing] How can you be sure? Pam: Because he just loves me too much. Nellie: You're a cocky little thing, aren't you, Pam? Andy: I've done a little genealogy research of my own. Turns out I'm not the only one with a few skeletons in the ol’ family closet. For example, Phyllis' great-great-grandmother was responsible for spreading cholera to the United States. Angela: Ew. Andy: Kevin is related to both John Wayne Gacy and John Wayne Bobbitt. Kevin: And John Wayne? Andy: No. Not that I see here. Kevin: Wayne Johnson? The Rock? Andy: You mean Dwayne, and no. What about Jim Halpert? Uh-oh. Turns out, distant relative of the reviled Richard Nixon. Jim: Pam always says I look like Nixon. That's crazy, right? I mean, there's nothing there. Tru--Oh, no. Andy: Dwight's grandfather-- Dwight: Was a member of the Bund, which is not technically the same thing as the Nazi party. So-- [clears throat] Andy: I was going to say he was a tax evader. Dwight: Oh. I was joking about that whole Bund thing. Oh-ho, the look on your faces. [laughing] Andy: And Meredith is a blood relative of Lizzie Borden. Meredith: Cool. [mimics Psycho stabbing sound effect] Angela: Stop it! Stop it, you're frightening me. Phyllis: Andy, did you call this meeting just to talk junk about our families? Kevin: Yeah, that-- Toby: You're being really mean. Stop it, Andy. Andy: No, I'm proving a point, okay? We all have ancestors who may have done horrible things in the past. But it's in the past, and it's not our fault. So, we don't have to talk about it. Oscar: The difference is, Andy, that you're the only one here still benefitting from the terrible things your ancestors did. Andy: Might have done, and how do you figure? Oscar: Your family’s rich. I have to believe that a big part of the Bernard fortune was earned on the backs of slaves. Andy: You know, there's nothing wrong with being successful in America, Oscar. I'm not going to apologize for my family's wealth. That wealth could one day benefit society. If capital gains are ever taxed at the same rate as earned income. [cell phone ringing] Okay, Kevin did that. I do not wish I was in Dixie. Hey, Mom. How are you? Did any Bernards ever own a plantation in the South? She said, "No." Take that! Follow-up question, did any Bernards ever make money in an unsavoury way? [quietly] I just asked you--Why didn't you just say that? Okay, stop, stop. Stop talking. Stop talking. That's--No. I don't want to know that. Okay, you're interrupting a meeting. I have to go. Love you. Bye. Well, it turns out the Bernards of yore did not own slaves. Oscar: Really? Andy: We merely transported them. Which, at worst, makes us amoral middlemen. Andy: Yo, D--Dog, I need your help. I'm trying to think of things I can say that make it sound like I had a more difficult childhood than I actually had. Darryl: You're gonna po’ mouth. Andy: Exactly. Help me po' mouth, Darryl. Darryl: Actually, Andy, you promised me five minutes to talk about productivity suggestions-- Andy: What if I said that my dad beat me, and I just left out the croquet of it all? Or, I could just go all the way and say I grew up in an apartment. Or is that too crazy? Darryl: That could work. Andy: You know, Darryl, this is textbook Assistant Regional Manager stuff here, and I feel like I'm doing all the heavy lifting. I'm coming up with all the ideas here. Darryl: I'm going for a walk. Andy: Okay. Pam: Good--Good, and-- [thuds] Jim: You doing all right, man? Darryl: I'm done. I gotta get of here. Jim: Yeah. Not the easiest day to be Assistant Regional Manager. Darryl: It's not just today, it's every day. Seems like the better title I have, the stupider my job gets. Jim: Aw, come on, it can always get better, right? Darryl: Hmm. Yeah, right. Jim: No, I'm serious. There's always something better. Darryl: Like what? Jim: Like, hypothetically, if I said that there was another job that you and I could both have. Darryl: What kind of job? Jim: Something cool, like sports marketing, or-- does that sound like something you'd be into? Darryl: Hell, yeah. Jim: Right? Darryl: That sounds awesome. Jim: Okay, but wait. What if I told you that it was in Philly? So, you'd have to-- Darryl: I love Philly. Jim: Right? Darryl: It's not even a thought-- Jim: Not even a thought. It's not even that far away. I could still commute--Exactly. Exactly. All right. Darryl: What? Wait, wait, wait. So, what, is this happening? Jim: Oh, it's happening. Let's just keep it between you and me for right now, all right? Darryl: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, for sure, for sure. Man. And Pam's into it? Jim: We gotta have a talk about it, but I think that she's--I think she understands-- Darryl: Aw, come on, man. Jim: What this is-- Darryl: I thought you had something real. Jim: What? No, no, no. Come on. This is real. Darryl: It's not real until your wife is on board. Pam: So, what did you want to show me? Nellie: That is quite an ugly wall, isn't it? Pam: Yeah. It's really ugly. Nellie: It needs something, doesn't it? I'm thinking, a mural. Pam: You mean me? Nellie: Yes, you! You are so talented. It's going to be my next special project, hiring Scranton's most dangerous young muralist to paint the warehouse wall. Pam: Oh, my God, I love it! Uh—I--Nellie, this is brilliant! Pam: Hey! Jim: Hey. Can I talk to you for a second? Nellie: Anything you have to say to her, you can say to me. She never loved you. Pam: What? No, I-- I got this. It's okay. Nellie: [quietly] Okay. This is his fault. It is not your fault. I'm going to find you someone better, and rich. And Filipino. But we'll break that to her later. Nellie: You know what this is all about? Darryl: Yeah. You too, huh? Nellie: Yeah. Go on, spill it. Tell her all the gory details, you snake. Darryl: Hey. He deserves this. And he said I could get in on it too. [whispers] Yeah. Nellie: Oh, Pam, no. Oh, I can't bear to watch this. Jim: I don't know what I was so worried about. I have the best wife in the world. Pam: I still can't believe he didn't tell me. Pam: I was helping Nellie drive, and-- Stanley: Do not care. Pete: Fonos chek! Erin: Dothras chek! [giggles] Andy: I like that guy. We should hook him up with Meredith. Hmm--