The Target
Written By: Graham Wagner Directed By: Brent Forrester Transcribed By: Admin Oscar: Yesterday, Angela may or may not have figured out that I'm having an affair with her husband. So, I just have to wait and see. When she comes in, if she's cold and awkward and cruel to me, then great, it's business as usual. Oscar: Good morning. [clears throat] Angela: Oscar... [sighs] can I ask you a question? Oscar: [whispering] Of course, ask me a que--questions. Angela: Is it cool in here to you? Oscar: [hoarsely] Yes, a little bit. [normal voice] Yes. Angela: I think the thermostat is acting up again. Oscar: It's the stupid thermostat! That thing is a catastrophe. So, I'm gonna, um, on your suggestion, get someone to fix it. I'll just go downstairs. Angela: Thank you. Oscar: No, thank you, Angela. Oscar: She doesn't know. I shouldn't be surprised. This is a woman who married a man who is obviously a homosexual. Basically, she has her head in the sand. In a way I feel sorry for her. I guess the universe rewards true love. Dwight: Well, well, well, it's finally happened. Pam has ceased caring. Pam: These are my painting clothes. I think I'm gonna do it. I am really gonna start painting the warehouse mural today. [Jim applauds] Meredith: Sure you don't want to put another coat of primer on that Pam? Queen of the primer, that one. Jim: You got this, Beesley. Actually, do you want me to come down and help you get started? Pam: Are you avoiding your phone call? Jim: What? Yeah, right. As if. Jim: Today I will be asking David Wallace if I can start working part-time, because the sports marketing company that I started really needs me to be there. Pam: Last week Jim wasn't there, and they named the company Athlead. Jim: I could have prevented that. So, I have to talk to Wallace. Pam: Tell them your opening line. Jim: [sighs] Hey David, how would you like a guy who's not here as much, gets paid the same amount of salary, and has bigger fish to fry in Philadelphia? Pam: I think it's good. He likes fishing. Jim: This is gonna be awful. Pete: One of my jobs is to input customer complaints into the computer. And when they're in, I fill out one of these cards. But the information's already on the computer, so... why am I filling out the card? I asked Andy, and he told me to "chillax," and then went away on a big, long boat ride. So here we are. Don't give me a pointless office chore, because I will build a little paper house. Fight the power. Angela: Meet me in the old place, five minutes. I need you. Angela: [upon seeing Dwight naked] Ugh! Dwight: Come on in, the water's fine. Angela: Dwight, it's not that kind of meeting. Put your clothes back on. Dwight: I know. That's not why I'm naked. I always work out without my clothes. [does jumping jacks] Angela: Just put them on! Put on your clothes. I need your help. I need someone who can operate outside of the law. Ugh. Dwight: Oh, I'm sorry, your vigilante privileges ended when you broke up with me. If I'm not in your panties, I don't go vigilantes. Why don't you ask your husband? Angela: My marriage is in danger. I don't know who I can trust. I need someone to be there for me. Dwight: [sighs] All right, what are we talking? Surveillance, wiretapping? Angela: Something like that. Dwight: Yeah, the less I know, the better. I know just the guy. He was a volunteer sheriff too. Kicked off the force. Angela: Can you arrange a meeting? Dwight: I can try. I'm gonna use SMS text. Angela: Okay. Dwight: Text went through. Angela: Okay. Dwight: All we can do is sit and wait. Angela: Okay. Dwight: [phone vibrates] Oh, look at that. Yeah, he's free anytime. Not a problem. Jim: I mean, I can handle any client issues from Philly. David: [on phone] Yeah, but I really need someone in the office. If there's a crisis--the more I think about it-- Jim: Oh, you mean handle it in person. Oh, well, Phyllis and Stanley have agreed to cover for me while I'm gone. David: They did? Jim: Yep. David: Oh, okay. Well, that is different. In that case, yes--Maybe this can work. Jim: Oh, great. Stanley: Why should we help you? Jim: Because we're friends. Stanley: When is my birthday? Jim: Unfair. When's my birthday? Stanley: I don't know, because we're not friends. Jim: How about this--You let me take you to lunch, and I make my case? Stanley: Now we're talkin'. Jim: All right. Phyllis: Yeah. Kevin: Make it go taller. Pete: That's the idea. Kevin: No, not taller this way, taller this way. [gesturing with hands] Pete: Well, I've gotta build a wider base first before I can go higher. Kevin: You're not getting this, Peter. Make it go wider... up! Pete: Will do. Darryl: [entering] What are y'all doing? Kevin: Me and Pete are building a tower. Darryl: Cool. It should be taller though, right? Kevin: Obviously. He's a sweet kid, Darryl. But he's not the sharpest guy in the drawer. Pete: Kevin, I can hear you. Kevin: Huh? Angela: Ow! Dwight! Ow! Dwight: Get in the van. Angela: God! Trevor: Is it safe to talk? Dwight: Well, this documentary crew has been following our every move for the past nine years, but I don't see them so I think we're good. Angela: So, what are your credentials? Trevor: I started following people around to get exercise. Turns out, I'm damn good at it. Angela: Do you have a gun? Dwight: [snickers] Does he own a gun? Show her. Trevor: You tell me. Angela: What is this? Trevor: It's the receipt for my gun. Angela: You don't carry it with you? Trevor: Read the receipt. That's a $300 gun. Someone could steal it. Dwight: Do you have any idea how many guns Trevor's had stolen from him? Trevor: Now I keep it in a safe. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good safe? Trevor: Oh, you tell me. [shows Dwight receipt] Dwight: Wow! Pam: [studying mural wall] I guess if I make a mistake, I can just paint over it with a shrub or something. It's just, I think less of paintings with a lot of shrubs. So, I'm gonna limit myself to one shrub. Hide: You paint wall now? Pam: Yeah. Painting now. I just want to make sure that... Hide: You paint now. Pam: It's probably gonna be a few minutes. So, you can just go back to doing whatever you were doing. Hide: I wait. Meredith: Sweet. Erin: Yay! Darryl: That's what I'm talkin' about. Pete: This next card comes to us thanks to Meredith Palmer, who called Eastern Pennsylvania Seminary a, quote ‘sausage factory.' Meredith: Oh ooh! Everyone: [approving cheers] Meredith: Boom! Darryl: Bang. Kevin: Yep, yep, yep. Pete: All right. Up next, we got a whole lotta Creed. Creed: Let's find out what I did. Pete: All right. Dwight: You get half now and half upon completion of said job. Trevor: And that's all off the books? Angela: Obviously. Trevor: Nice. No taxes. Angela: Okay, so everything you need to know about the target is in here. Trevor: So, what's the job? Angela: Murder. Trevor: Okay, that's the big one. That's the big "M." Dwight: You can't have someone murdered. Angela: What if they deserved it? Dwight: What did they do to you, Angela? Angela: They're sleeping with my husband. Dwight: Oh, Monkey. Oh, I feel for you. Trevor: This seems a little crazy. Dwight: Yes. Crazy. Thank you. Trevor: But I think I'm up for it. Dwight: No! No! Angela: Thank you. Dwight: Absolutely not. There are a lot of different ways to get revenge. I've had great success by defecating in a paper bag, put it on the porch-- Trevor: That's very effective. I've been on the receiving end of that quite a few times. It's devastating. Angela: No, no, no. It has to be physical. I want this person to suffer. Trevor: What about a kneecapping? Dwight: No! You're not helping, Trevor! Angela: Yes, a kneecapping could work. Dwight: No. Angela! What are you saying? Angela: You said you would be there for me. Dwight: I'm trying, but what you're asking is-- Angela: It's the only thing that will make this right. Dwight: Okay. But it's cruel, because a woman with damaged knees can't scrub worth a damn. Trevor: All right, then it's settled. One kneecapping. Now, the hit goes down at 4:00. Keep in mind, once I leave, there's no turning back. Jim: You know, truth be told, I think all you'll really be doing is accepting calls from my clients while I'm gone. Stanley: We've got all afternoon to talk about that. Waiter: Morning, folks. Stanley: I'll have the surf and turf with a side order of lobster. Waiter: Actually, the surf and turf does come with lob-- Stanley: Not enough lobster. Side order. Phyllis: How much wine do you have? Oscar: I brought you a cookie. Angela: Oh, thanks, Oscar. You're such an angel. Oscar: [talking into phone] I just gave her a cookie, and she called me an angel, so... yeah, we're good. Yeah. [exhales] We dodged a bullet, yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah--Well, I gotta go now, but--Okay, bye. Bye. Pete: There we go. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Nicely done. Very nicely done. All right, this next one goes to Darryl for pocket dialling a customer while having sеx. Nellie: Ohh... you salty dog. Darryl: Well, yeah, what can I say, a player's gotta play. Pete: There you go. Darryl: Actually, that was the sound of me eating spaghetti. But I'm gonna let them think the other thing. Kevin: Okay, I got this one. Nellie: Oh, be careful! Be careful! Be careful. Kevin: No, I got it. Easy does it, everyone. Nobody even take a breath. Everyone: [shouting as tower collapses] Oh no! Kevin! Nellie: What did I just say? What did I just say? Pete: Hey, hey, hey, it's just a mistake. Just a mistake. That's what this tower's all about--mistakes. Okay, if you're afraid of screwing up, the tower's not for you. Show of hands--who here has never had a complaint? That's right. Nobody. See that? Nobody. Okay? Let's get back to work, huh? Come on, you in? Kevin: Yeah. Pete: There we go. All right, let's do it. Jim: You know, at the end of the day, it's really only two days. I mean, I'll be back in the office. If you need me for an emergency, call me. I'll be there... Phyllis: You know what? I don't know where the years went. ‘Cause sometimes when I look at my hands, I don't even recognize them. Jim: Tell me about it. Phyllis: Whose hands are these? [holds out her hands to Jim] They’re not my hands. I don't know. Jim: All right. You know what? Maybe we'll just... We'll go slow. Phyllis: No. Jim... [wine bottle clangs on plate] Pete: All right. Check it out. Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: Like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ksshhhh! Kevin: Nice. Pretty soon, we're gonna be at the ceiling. Erin: Whoo! Pete: Can you hand me a card? Erin: Um, it's empty. Pete: What? Nellie: Oh, come on. We could use a blank card. Everyone: No!! Meredith: That's cheating. Pam: I could get us a complaint. Meredith: You? Little Miss Priss? You wouldn't fart on a butterfly. Pam: No, I wouldn't. I can't even relate to that impulse. But I bet I could get us a customer complaint. I'd like to try. Nellie: Hmm. Yeah. All right! Yea, go, Pam! Pam... Everyone: [chanting] "Pam!" Angela: What? Why did you call me out here? Dwight: The target--it's Oscar, isn't it? He and the senator are gaying each other. Angela: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Your nostrils tell a different story. They flare like that every time you're engaging in deception. Hello again, naughty nostrils. Angela: Fine! It's Oscar. So what? Dwight: Well, I could understand you wanting to get a stranger's knees whacked. But a co-worker--Dare I say, a friend? Angela: Exactly, a friend. Someone who sits next to you year after year, making chitchat and smiling, and all the while running behind your back and defiling your marriage and seducing your husband. Dwight: I can't even imagine how painful this must be for you. But the first ones to break your marriage vows were you and me. Angela: Well, you might be right. But it's too late now. Dwight: What do you mean? Angela: He's here. Dwight: No! No, no! [groans] Dwight: Oscar? Oscar. Oscar, good. Hey come with me. Oscar: What? Dwight: Come--come with me. Oscar: What are you doing? Dwight: There are a bunch of construction workers in the warehouse without their trousers, drinking diet sodas. You have got to see this. They're extraordinary. Meredith: Yahtzee. Trevor: Sandwich delivery for Mr. Oscar Martinez. Kevin: I am Oscar Martinez. Angela: No, not him, not him. Outside. Outside. Kevin: Wha--wh-- Angela: You know, there's doughnuts in the break room. Kevin: Nice! Yeah. Jim: Listen, I was really wondering if maybe we could lock this down before lunch is over. Stanley: Don't be pushy Jim. It's tacky. Jim: All right. Phyllis! Phyllis, that's--that's decorative. Phyllis: No, there's wine in here. Jim: Still decorative. Stanley: Is it white wine? Jim: No. Phyllis: [to customer] Can you help me? Jim: Don't--don't--don't pole people with knives. Phyllis: [groans while trying to open giant wine bottle] ha ha! Jim: Phyllis! Wow. Stanley: Ooh, bring it over. Phyllis: Got it. Dwight: There's no time to explain. [descending stairs] Okay, actually, there is time to explain. When Angela found out that you seduced her husband, we hired a guy to break your kneecaps. Oscar: Oh, my God! What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? There are a million gorgeous guys in the Scranton Wilkes-Barre area, and you choose the man who's the father of her child? Oscar: I don't know what you're talking about. Dwight: Oh, don't lie. I'm trying to save those precious knees you're always bragging about. Now, let's get out of here. He could be right behind us. Dwight: Aah! Actually, he's right in front of us. Trevor: Let's get it on. I'm gonna do this. I might--I might puke, but I'm gonna do this. Dwight: No, Trevor, I am not gonna let you. He's a Dunder Mifflin man. He's my tribe. Trevor: I'm sorry, Dwight, but for once in my stupid, stupid life, I'm gonna follow through on something, all right? I have masculinity issues--Stop! No! Oscar: I got it. Dwight: Disarm! Trevor: You don't-- [all three grunt] Dwight: Don't move. And disarm now! [Oscar gets weapon away from others] Trevor: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Dwight: No! No, Oscar. He's a friend. He's a friend. Erin: Okay, the client is Heymont Brake and Tire. They're family-owned, but don't let that take away from your edge! Nellie: Come on, Pam, I know you can fail. I see failure in you. Creed: Remember, you're a scumbag, so you think scummy thoughts. Like this. Pam: [into phone] Hello, this is Pam Halpert. I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. Yes, your paper provider. And I just called to say... your mama is so fat, when she wears red, people yell, "Hey, kool-aid." Yeah, your mama's fat. This is Pam Halpert. Pete: Did she buy it? Pam: Basically, I couldn't tell, but I think... Nellie: Were they angry? Pam: I--I thought they were confused at least... Nellie: Okay. [phone rings] Erin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Erin. Yes, you can. Okay. I will make sure that goes on file. [hangs up] Ladies and gentlemen, we just lost a client! Everyone: [cheering] Kevin: Nice. Nice. Creed: You did good. You did good. Pete: See ya later, Heymont. Dwight: No. Trevor: If you chase me, I will run so fast. If you catch me, I will bite so hard. Got it? Good-bye, my friend. Oscar: What the hell, Dwight? Dwight: See ya later, Trevor. Oscar: you are incorrigible! Dwight: I just saved your life. You're welcome! Oscar: You hired someone to hit me with a pipe! Angela: You deserved every bit of it! You made my husband gay. Oscar: What--what I did was wrong, and I have to live with that every day. But your husband is... gay. He was gay when you married him! Angela: No. No. Oscar: Angela, until you face that, you're gonna be confused and angry for all the wrong reasons. But if you want to blame me for the whole thing, go ahead--I won't stop you. Hit me. you have my blessing. Hit me. Angela: Well, are you gonna let go of it? Because part of the blame is definitely on you. Oscar: Angela, it's a lead freaking pipe. Angela: God! [kicks Oscar] Oscar: Aah! Angela: You were supposed to be my friend. Oscar: I'm so sorry. Angela-- Dwight: Oscar. Pete: Our crowning complaint card comes to us thanks to Pamela Halpert... Everyone: [cheers and applause] Pete: For insulting a client's recently deceased mother. Nellie: Yes! Pam: I did not know that. Pete: Well, a woman who struggled with obesity all her life. Pam: I'm so sorry. Meredith: Wow. Pete: Yeah. That's-- that is terrible. Everyone: [cheers and applause as Pete puts last card on tower] Kevin: You did it. Erin: Yeah! Angela: I feel so stupid. I sit next to him every day. Dwight: You're not stupid. Jazz is stupid. Angela: [crying] Jazz is stupid! I mean, just play the right notes! Dwight: I know. You're gonna be okay, Monkey. Angela: I don't like your friend Trevor. Dwight: I don't like him either. And yet I really like him. Jim: Well, we're here. Perfect. [covers sleeping Phyllis with his jacket] Phyllis: We're gonna cover for you, ya know. Stanley: [chuckles] Jim: Phyllis, what was that? Phyllis, are you dreaming, or-- Stanley: [laughing] I did enjoy grinding your beans, son. Phyllis: [laughing] Yeah, we really did peel your grapes. Jim: This is hilarious, but we're gonna stop with all-- Stanley: Shuckin' your peas. Jim: Shuckin' the peas. You should go back to the first part, though. You are gonna cover for me? Stanley: Yeah. Phyllis: Of course, we are, Jimmy. We love you guys. Jim: Oh, my God, thank you. [hugging both] Thank you. Pam: If you're an artist, you have to be okay with the idea that you can't please everybody all the time. Hide: You paint very bad-- Pam: Shut up, Hide! I mean, do you think Kevin cares what people think about him--or Creed or Meredith? Oh my gosh, these are my role models now. You know what? I'm okay with that. Dwight: Where does gayness come from? And how is it transmitted? Toby: That is--that is a loaded question. Angela: My pastor said it can come from breast feeding. Toby: He said that? Angela: Well, he didn't fight me hard on it. Toby: I--I don't know if there's truth to--to, uh, to that. Angela: What is it called when two men intertwine their penises like the snakes on the medic-alert bracelet? Toby: Oh... uh... Angela: Is it called red-vining? Dwight: Is it called red-vining? Toby: I don't... Dwight: We heard it was called red-vining. Angela: People red vine. Dwight: Where are gay mens' vaginas? Toby: They don't have vaginas. Dwight: What? Toby: No. They're just regular men. Dwight: When two gay men have sеx, how do they know whose penis will open up to accept the other person's penis? Toby: Uh... wow....