Lice
Written By: Niki Schwartz-Wright Directed By: Rodman Flender Transcribed By: Admin Kevin: To me, the Sixers are a five-seed, tops. Jim: I think they're going to the Conference Finals. Kevin: No. Jim: Bynum, an obvious monster. AT the three-point shooting, don't even-- [Jim bites his lip] Jim: I bit my lip at lunch today. Darryl: Sucks. Anyway, I just don't see it. The Knicks are tough. The Nets are tough. Kevin: Oh, the Nets are super tough. [Jim is in pain from his lip] Jim: Now I have this big bump on my lip that hurts. [shows inside of lip] I hate it. Kevin: The Hawks are terrible. They're always terrible. Jim: Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the— [Jim bites his lip again and pounds on table] Jim: Whatever. It's not a big deal. You know, I always tell my three-year-old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen-- [Jim bites his lip again] You gotta be kidding me! Okay! Pam! That's it. I'm going home! [throws mic on his desk and leaves] Erin: Morning, Meredith. Pam: [pulls hat off of head] What? Erin: Oh, sorry. Pam. Yikes. Pam: Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly, and I'm not gonna lie--it's been challenging. [Pam struggles taking the bins to the kerb and knocks them over. Rubbish falls out] Pam: Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse. I found out CeCe has lice. So, I was up all night, disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house. I'm exhausted. But don't tell Jim. He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure, and he's doing it all for the family. Jim: I am meeting Dr. J today, otherwise known as Julius Erving, famed 76er and my own personal hero. But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because, let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home, stuck with the kids while she was go-karting with John Stamos? [talking on phone] Jim: You sound tired. Everything okay? Pam: Great. Everything's great. Hey, are you nervous about your big meeting? Jim: Uh, a little bit. It's a lot of pressure, you know? But that's what I signed up for, right? Worker: Jim, limo's here. Jim: Uh, you know what? I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting. Pam: Oh, call me later. Jim: Okay. Pam: Good luck. Jim: Thanks. Pam: I love you. Jim: Love you too. Bye. [mouths words] Val: How you doing? Darryl: Okay. I mean, it's what you want, so-- Val: It's how it has to be. Darryl: I know, I know. It's just hard. Darryl: Me and Val were going nowhere, and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom. So, I convinced Val to breakup with me. Here's how you do it. You say, "What are you gonna do, breakup with me?" Like, as a joke. And then you gain a lot of weight. Darryl: I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it. Val: Me neither. Come here. [she hugs Darryl, and Darryl smiles behind her back] Pam: Hey, Meredith, I need your supplier requests today. Meredith: Jeez H. in the morning. Will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you. Pam: He didn't leave me. He just went part-time. [Meredith scratches her head vigorously] [Pam looks shocked at camera] Pam: Can you just fill out the form, please? Meredith: Yes. [scratching] Pam: I'm sure she's just confused. People scratch their heads when they're confused. Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens. [Erin checks Meredith’s hair with torch at reception] Meredith: Hurry up already. Erin: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times. Erin: Holy wow, that's a big one. Alright, pencils down, everyone—we’ve got lice! Oscar: [groans] Angela: Oh God, Meredith, lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower? Dwight: What? Lice? [everyone points to Meredith] Oh, my God. Lock the doors. We’re on full quarantine. Pam: Dwight, relax. It's just lice. Maybe, possibly. Dwight: Just lice, Pam? Dwight: Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most. My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me. For 15 years, they called me “freak” and “four eyes” and “sci-fi nerd” and “girl puncher”, all because I had lice when I was seven. Dwight: Make way. [pushes Angela out the way] Angela: Dwight! Dwight: Nope. inspect me. Erin: Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen. You are all clear. Dwight: Should be. I use lice shampoo every morning. [Dwight starts spraying everyone with disinfectant] Pam: Stop that! Angela: Dwight! [coughs] Erin: Next. Angela: [getting her head checked] Geez, Meredith, you know, this is an office. It’s not one of your bean-bag оrgіеs. Pam: Uh, let's give her a break. We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault. Oscar: Pam, really? Come on. Meredith: Hey, what do you want? I know who I am. Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the Queen. Erin: Lice. Angel: [gasps] Erin: More lice. Angela: [groans] Erin: Angela has lice. Angela: Ew! Oh! [groans] Erin: [checking Stanley's head] Ooh, yabber. Lice! Erin: [checking Pam's head] Yikers. Lice. Pam: [speaking exaggeratedly] No. How? I'm so clean! Erin: [checking Oscar's head] Oh, yeah. Big-time lice. Oscar: Aah! Oscar: I wash my hands at least six times a day. Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee. Apparently, none of that is protection enough. Not when it comes to Meredith. [Dwight walks into office] All: Ooh. Oh. Phyllis: Hey, what are you wearing? Dwight: [speaking through PA system] It's a Hazmat suit. That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing. If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy. Is there anyone else here that is lice-free? [Phyllis, Kevin, Darryl and Nellie raise their hands] Dwight: Excellent. You have your own hazmat suits? Nellie: No. Kevin: No. Dwight: Ugh. Renters. Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse. Conduct your business there until the infected have been deloused. Let's get going. I'm gonna stay here and fight. If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me. I might want lunch. Darryl: Alright, we're going down to my warehouse, that means we're playing by my rules. No messing with the baler, and be cool in front of me and Val. We just broke up. [all gasp] Phyllis: You got dumped? Darryl: Yeah, she ended things. Nellie: Breakups are the worst. The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of Sheperd’s pie and Brandy. The singer, not the drink. Kevin: Here man. [Kevin hands Darryl already opened block og chocolate] You need that more than me. Darryl: Thanks, man. Kevin: Yeah. [kisses Darryl on the cheek] Pam: Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith. This has got to be hard for her. Angela: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I have not yet begun to shame. Stanley: That's it. I'm getting my stuff. I'm leaving for the day. Erin: No! Stanley! If you leave now, then you'll get it in your car, and then you'll get it in your house! [Erin jumps on Stanley's back, knocking him onto the desk] Stanley: Get off me! Erin: I'm trying to save you from yourself! Stanley: Alright, I'll stay! There's a pencil broken in my rolls. Pam: Maybe it was Meredith. Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that I got from Cece. So, let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me. That is how wars get started. Fine, I'll tell her it was me. Jim: [drinking out of champagne flute in back of limo] Oh, man. That's fresh-squeezed. And are all the snacks complimentary? Limo Driver: Yeah, take some home if you want. Jim: Oh no, no, no. That's okay. I… [Jim shoves some snacks in his jacket pocket as he gets out of limo] Jim: Um, I'm sorry. Is this the conference center? Limo Driver: No, Mr. Erving called. Said he'd rather meet you at his private court. Jim: You gotta be kidding me. [Pam walks into kitchen] [electric razor buzzing] Pam: Hey, Meredith I need to tell you something. Meredith: [shaving her own head] Yeah, Pam? What do you want? Pam: Oh, my God. Meredith, what are you doing? Meredith: Bakin’ a cake. What does it look like I'm doing? Getting rid of the lice. Pam: Oh, stop! I am so sorry! [microwave beeps] Meredith: Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax. You know, I think these critters migrated from down south. What were you saying? Pam: Nothing. Pam: I am going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time. I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs. There's a right way to do this. Dwight: Scalp leeches, skull vampires, follicle gypsies, hair lawyers. One thing is clear--it's kill or be killed! Erin: No, no, no. It's more of a nuisance, really. It's not that big a deal. So, I’ve collected your hats and your coats... Dwight: To be burned! Erin: To be washed. Angela: What do we do about our heads? Dwight: I'm not gonna lie. Lye! Erin: No. All we need is mayonnaise. Angela: Excuse me? Pam: She's right. It works. I would imagine. Erin: Yes. It helps to suffocate the little buddies, and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos. Oscar: I can appreciate that. I also only eat local, organic produce. Meredith: [walks into conference room] Sha-boom! How do you like me now? Angela: Oh! Oscar: Wow! Meredith: Take a picture. It’ll last longer. Angela: We don't want it to last longer. It's horrible. Creed: Bald people make me sick. Meredith: Yeah, yeah. Everybody pile on Meredith. But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss. Erin: Okay, nobody panic. If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald. Not that it looks bad, Meredith. It looks--It looks awesome. You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years. A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it. I'm so sorry. We need mayonnaise. We need it now. Pam: Oh, uh, uh, I'll go. Angela: Okay. Oh, thank you. Oscar: You're a saint, Pam. Pam: No, it's not a big deal, please, no. Um, Meredith, can I get you something special while I'm at the store? Candy or--or one of those stylish turbans? Meredith: Thanks, Pam. I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools. Pam: Okay. Dwight: Let's talk pubes, people. Val: Hey, Darryl. Darryl: Oh, hey, Val. [Darryl pretends to be sad] Nellie: Oh, that was tragic. Oh, that was like a car crash. I couldn't look away. You two still clearly have feelings for each other. Darryl: Yeah. Phyllis: What's gonna make you feel better, big guy? Darryl: When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good. She's not around to do that anymore. I'm sorry, I just need a moment to myself, just to clear my head. [walks away smiling at camera] Nellie: Oh, poor Darryl. I can't bear to see him suffer like this. Kevin: I think he needs some hugs, and maybe some chocolate cake. Phyllis: Mmm. This won't help him, it's a muffin, not cake. Nellie: Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most. Kevin: An Escalade. Nellie: Or what's her name. Phyllis: Val. Nellie: Let's get Darryl Val. Julius Erving: I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here. I can't get my knees under a desk. Jim: Are you kidding me? I could literally scalp tickets to this. Julius: Well, you think you could sink one from deep? Jim: Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball. Julius: Okay. [Jim shoots the basket and it goes in] Wow. Halpert's got game. Jim: Alright. [Jim's phone rings] Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. It's my wife. Can I take this? Julius: If it’s your wife, you better take it. Jim: Right? [Jim laughs as he answers the phone] Hey, what's up? Everything okay? Pam: Oh, no. Everything's great. Um, I was just calling to see, uh, how the meeting went. Jim: Oh, it's still happening right now, actually, so-- Pam: He's, uh, really making you work for it, huh? Jim: Yes, it is very stressful. [grabbing smoothie from waiter] Are you sure everything's okay? Pam: Great. I am killing it over here. [drops mayonnaise on the ground] Jim, I gotta go. Jim: Okay, bye. [Jim turns back to Julius] So sorry about that. Julius: Oh, no problem. Hey, Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of Japanese Nikes with your name on ‘em. What do you think? [cheers-ing smoothies] Jim: I love it. Erin: [handing out mayonnaise jars] Once it's all over your head, just leave it there for four hours. That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffocate, and then pass away. Dwight: Oh, sure. And when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right. [Dwight holds up a pair of scissors] Stanley: Put those away before you hurt yourself. Dwight: [swings the scissors around and puts them into his pocket, putting a hole in his Hazmat suit] Oh, God. Oh, no. No. No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Erin: Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up. Angela: Oscar, you want to be my partner? Oscar: Yeah. Yeah, sure. I'd love to... Creed: Hey, uh, mayo buddy, five-dollar tip, you unclog my ears. Okay? Erin: Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry. I'm--I'm already partners with Pete. Right, Pete? Pete: Uh, yeah. We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up, so, sorry, man. Pam: Hey, Creed. Wanna be my buddy? Creed: Oh, God. Stuck with the weirdo. Pam: [sighs] [Angela slaps mayo on Oscar's head] Oscar: [sighs] [hard slaps] Angela. Angela: You don't want bugs. You know? Who knows where those bugs will end up. [Meredith puts mayo on Stanley's head] Meredith: You're getting a bargain. I ain't got no hair no more. [sighs] [Pam puts mayo on Creed's head] Pam: Creed, I'm all done. My turn. Creed: I'm sorry, Pam. It looks a little messy. Pam: Well, wait. [Pete putting mayo on Erin's head] Pete: How's that? Erin: I feel it working. [mucking around] [both grunt] Pete: Ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk. Erin: [playing with her hair] Eiffel tower. Pete: Oh! [laughs] [Val walks into room] Phyllis: Now. Val: Can I help you? Phyllis: Well-- Kevin: Um-- Phyllis: We don't want to pry, but we heard you broke up with Darryl. Val: Yeah, that's true. Phyllis: We think you made a big, big mistake. Kevin: Big mistake. Nellie: Quite enormous. Phyllis: He's a real catch, and you should take him back. Val: Okay. Thank you. Is that all? Nellie: No. No, that is not all. Let me tell you what real life is like. The men dry up, and the nights get lonely. The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you never even wore. You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene. You buy a diamond ring for yourself, wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself, you're all you need. One day, you're alone, tired. At your feet, a dying bird. But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? Is it because, in some strange way it is you? Val: Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? Nellie: Pfft! Well. Val: Thank you. Kevin: So, does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back? Val: No. Kevin: Well, then, what do you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally, forever. Val: Yeah, Kevin asked me out. I was kinda feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, but then Kevin asked me out. Thought I might trade up to a new level of man. Then Kevin asked me out. [Pam putting mayonnaise in her own hair] [phone rings] Pam: Hello? Helene: [on speaker phone] Hi, honey, it's mom. Look, Cece's school just called. She still has lice. Pam: What? No, that can't--I don't-- Helene: Now, don't worry, don't worry. I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too. Listen, you know, lice can be tricky. Sometimes lice, like... [Pam panicking and hangs up phone] Angela: Oh, my God. Meredith: Shave her head. Shave her head! [everyone yells at Pam] Pam: You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone, that I-- Meredith: Yeah, yeah, Princess Fancy-pants letting Jane 12-pack over here take the fall. Dwight: [talking through the loudspeaker] She's right Pam. Pam: Is there a volume knob on that thing? Dwight: Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing! Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry. Angela: Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam. She's a monster. Pam: I meant to say something earlier. I just-- Meredith: Just? Just what? Just forgot? Meredith: Who's the one who didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure, I gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and, yeah, I BM-ed in the shredder on New Year’s. But I didn't bring the lice in. That was all Pam. Dwight: Attention, people of the office. You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bull pen. At that time, I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains piperonyl butoxide, as well as— [Dwight drops the grenade and it goes off inside Andy's office] [all gasp] Erin: Dwight, are you okay!? Dwight: [coughs] Whoa. Hypertoxide has a mild hallucigenic effect, but I don't think it's kicked in yet. I'm gonna count down from ten. Nine, yellow, cold, sad, purple. [Dwight collapses] [all gasp] Erin: Wow. He got to purple. [Angela rinsing Oscar's hair with kettle and purposefully bumps his head with it] Oscar: Ow! Angela: Sorry. [starts to pour water over Oscar’s face] Oscar: [chokes and sputters] You're waterboarding me! Angela: Oops. [Ken is shoving large amounts of bubble wrap into the baler, as a warehouse worker passes] Kevin: No, this is fine. We are allowed to do this. This is okay. Erin: You're up. Pete: Yeah, I'm kinda sad to see this baby go. Erin: You do kinda look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out. [Pete takes shirt off, revealing white singlet and fit physique, Erin tries not to look] Pete: Okay. Erin: Okay. Okay. [rinsing Pete's hair out] Is that too cold? Pete: No. Actually, feels kinda nice. [Kevin is standing in front of the baler as it is making a whirring noise and bubble wrap pops. Warehouse workers run over to baler as Kevin takes seat back at desk] Kevin: I wonder what happened over there. I've been sitting here the whole time. [machine continues whirring] Val: Okay. Darryl: Huh? Val: Let's give it a shot. Let's make it work. Darryl: Oh, no. I mean, I want to, I just--I don't want to force you into something you don't want to do. Val: You're not. I believe in us. Darryl: But-- [Val kisses Darryl] Darryl: I'm back together with Val. Yay... [Darryl and Val are kissing as Phyllis, Nellie and Kevin are doing silly gestures in the background. Kevin is thrusting his hips] Kevin: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Dwight is walking to his car with his hazmat suit] Dwight: I had a pretty good day today. [coughs] Not everything went exactly according to plan, but, lice, if you are watching, [holding up another insecticidal grenade as he gets into his car] I am ready for you anytime, anywhere. [Dwight gets into his car and the insecticidal grenade goes off] Pete: Hey, did Erin already take off? Oscar: I guess so. Pete: Okay. Julius: You're Kareem, coming to help. Jim: Okay, I'm Kareem. That makes total sense. I'm Kareem. You're Dr. J. Just sounds weird to say out loud. Julius: And it went like this. [Jim's phone starts ringing in background] Jim: And that's all? Julius: That's it. Jim: No one will believe this back home, but that's okay. Let me show you how it's done. Julius: Yeah, you show me how. [Jim's phone goes to voicemail] Jim: This is Jim Halpert. Leave a message. [beep] Pam: Hey honey, it's me. Just trying to catch you before going home. Um, oh, well, just give me a call whenever. Hope your day got better. Love you. Meredith: Hey, what you doing right now? Pam: Oh. I'm just gonna go home. My mom's been watching the kids all day. Meredith: Let her stay another hour. Let's go get a beer. Pam: Really? A beer sounds incredible right now. Meredith: No duh. Let's go. You're buying. [both laugh] [both at bar, as Pam pours another beer from a pitcher] Pam: Meredith, I am so sorry about today. Meredith: Forget about it. Pam: I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim. I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years. It whipped my ass in half a week. I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you are rocking it. Meredith: Right. I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john. I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over. [laughs] Pam: Get it, girl! [Girls Just Want to Have Fun playing. Pam and Meredith on stage singing karaoke] Pam: This one's for all you ladies out there. Meredith: [starts singing] I come... Pam: Not yet. Both: [singing] I come home in the middle of the night. My mother says, when you gonna live your life right? Oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones. And girls, they want to have fun. Oh, girls just want to have fun.