Customer Loyalty
Written By: Jonathan Green & Gabe Miller Directed By: Kelly Cantley Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Gotta clear out these file cabinets, people. A lot of these are dead accounts. "Scranton Mimeograph Corp"? I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. A letter from Robert Dunder. "A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance." [looks to camera seriously] The Holy Grail. [Pam in kitchen on phone to Jim] Pam: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail? Jim: I think I'm a little too busy these days to s--- [whispering] Oh, my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail. Jim: The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be, like, six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then. [Dwight reading from piece of paper while Kevin stands next to him] Kevin: I don't get it. Dwight: Aha! A lightbulb. Kevin: A lightbul-- Dwight: A lightbulb! Okay. Okay. [holds paper over lamp] Invisible ink. Kevin: Whoa. Dwight: "Higher than numbers go." The ceiling above accounting! [Dwight jumps up onto Angela’s desk, pushing ceiling up] Angela: Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight! [Pam in kitchen on phone to Jim] Jim: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end, and finds the... fake grail? No grail? Pam: You don't remember? Jim: I don't. [Dwight pulls key with “X” on tag from the ceiling] Dwight: An "X." Oscar: Annex. It must open something in the annex. [with desk drawers strewn around the room, Dwight pulls a false bottom out of Clark’s desk drawer. Everyone standing around Dwight] Dwight: [gasps] Oh. Kevin: Whoa. Dwight: "Sedes introiti." Seat of entrance. [Dwight cuts up a cushion of the lounge at the office entrance with a knife] Dwight: [shouts] Dwight: [pulls out cards from seat cushion] All: [gasps] Pete: What? Oscar: What? Kevin: That's a flush. [Dwight walks out of bathroom with plastic bag, and pulls out a toy forklift] All: [murmuring] All: The warehouse. [all in the warehouse searching, with paper and boxes strewn everywhere] [Pam is on the phone to Jim] Pam: There's nothing down here. Jim: Oh, I expected more from young Halpert. Dwight: Let's just forget it. Forget it. [warehouse worker dips donut into golden chalice, looks at camera confused] Nellie: So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative? Erin: Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack. Nellie: Wow. Erin: It's just Pete in sunglasses. Nellie: Oh. Erin: And then we had him "Like" Dunder Mifflin. Pete: Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them "Like" Derek's "Likes." Erin: So far, we're only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big. Nellie: You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together. Erin: Alright. Erin: Pete and I work well together--not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl--not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ugh! What was the question? Jim: Hey. Athlead Employee #1: Hey, Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch. Jim: Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later. Athlead Employee #2: Oh, sure. No problem. Jim: CeCe’s ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I've been working with her on her move. It's called the CeCe Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It's kind of like this. It's pretty cute, right? [Darryl walks into the office with an Athlead branded gym bag] Dwight: Pfft, "Athlead"? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it "Stumpany," for "Stupid Company." Darryl: Nothing stupid about working for yourself, hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That's why I'm doing it. Dwight: You're working for "Stumpany" too? Darryl: Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I'm switching over. Dwight: What? Darryl: Yep. [Dwight at his desk on the phone to Jim] Dwight: Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end? Jim: Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity. Dwight: You won't stop until you've poached us all. Jim: Yeah. Even you. Dwight: No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me. Jim: Bye, Dwight. [hangs up phone] [Jim gets up from desk to greet client] Jim: Hi. How are ya? Good to see you. [Pam walks over to accounting] Pam: Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Kevin: Ooh, I haven't heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato? Pam: Oh, no, Kevin, it's not a joke. Angela's husband put me up for a--um, just never mind. Angela: I have no information. But I'm sure as soon as they know, they'll call you. Pam: Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let's be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with--some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb? Pam: Well, I'm heading out to CeCe’s dance recital. Oscar: [exaggeratedly] Aw. [Pam is driving with CeCe in backseat] Pam: Hey, CeCe, Daddy's gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited? CeCe: Yeah. Pam: Let's call him. [line trilling] Jim: Hey. I was just about to call you. Pam: Hey, Hon, are you close? Jim: I am still in Philly, actually. Pam: What? Jim: It's insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I'm stuck here trying to keep him on board. Pam: Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren't gonna make it. Jim: Pam, I couldn't get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call. CeCe: I want Daddy. Jim: You're gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy's gonna record it. So, we'll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam? Pam: Of course. Jim: Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone? Pam: Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something. Jim: Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you're not the best with the phone. Pam: I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we're getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, "Bye, Daddy." CeCe: Bye, Daddy. Jim: Bye. [silence] Yep. See, you've still got to press "End," Pam. CeCe: Press "End." Pete: Oh, check it out. This is our first real "Like." Erin: Oh, my gosh! Pete: Oh! All right, Alan Olifson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific. Erin: Wow. That guy's really into paper. Pete: Yeah. Nellie: Well done, you two. Erin: We did it. Youth Taskforce forever. Pete: Yes. [starts fist bumps and clapping with Erin] Bup, bup, bup, bap. And then--oh, wait. [Nellie standing in background looking stunned] Erin: No, you go-- Pete: Did I--is that you? Erin: You go first, and then it’s a left turn. Pete: No, you go--okay. Alright, alright. Okay, start over. Nellie: [walks away from Pete and Erin] Oh, no, no, no, no. Nellie: Oh, God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, and now I’ve sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. And I CC’d him on every incriminating memo. “Pete and Erin, don’t hold back. Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously." I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie. Dwight: Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around--on me. Just sign your name below. [Dwight passes clipboard with coffee orders to Phyllis, which she inspects] All: [murmur] Dwight: You're welcome. Phyllis: Wait. This says, "Dunder Mifflin Loyalty Pledge"? Dwight: This--uh, what? Double mocha latte, please? You got it. Just sign your name below. Whatever you want. Oscar: "Loyalty pledge"? Darryl: Come on, Dwight, stop overreacting. I'm getting all my work done here. No customers have complained. Nobody even knows. Dwight: Yeah, we'll see about that. [Dwight walks into annex] Dwight: Bust out your complaint files. I need everything you've got on Darryl since he started working for Jim in the last few weeks. Break it down by keyword, okay? "Infuriating, irresponsible"... Clark: They got us set up with Windows 95. So, you're kind of dreaming here. Dwight: Okay, I'm gonna need you to print it out. [dot matrix printer beeping and whirring loudly] [everyone is sitting down in the conference room while Dwight writes on a whiteboard up front] Dwight: “Customer Loyalty.” What is it? Can you hold it in your hand? Can you nudge it with your finger? Can you dump it on a woman? No. Why? Because it's an idea. But what does it mean? Kevin: Ooh, it's when you get a free sandwich after you've already eaten ten sandwiches. Dwight: Not even close. Mr. Romanko has been a client for 20 years. He came in today in a rage. Why? Because of Darryl. Because Darryl was focusing on outside projects and needs to remember his first priority--the client. Mr. Romanko: [looking uncomfortable] I wouldn't say a rage. Darryl: Mr. Romanko, we were a day late on one of your deliveries, but two of our trucks were down for repairs. It's very unlikely it would happen again. Mr. Romanko: Thank you. Thank you. [gets up to leave] Dwight: No, you're not going anywhere, okay? You are angry, and we are gonna hear you out, all right? Because business is about relationships, and the key to relationships is what, Darryl? L— Darryl: Loyalty. Dwight: Loyalty. Nellie: Loyalty is exactly right. Dwight: Thank you. Nellie: Yes. I mean, it is everything. Let's all ask ourselves, have we been faithful in our relationships? Stanley: That's none of your damn business. Nellie: Darryl is "dating" Dunder Mifflin. Darryl: Darryl is dating Val... still. Nellie: But he's flirting with Jim's company on the side. [looking directly at Erin and Pete] And we all know what flirting can lead to. Mr. Romanko: I'm sorry. Do I still need to be here? Dwight: Yes. Nellie: I'm still having a bit of trouble understanding the importance of loyalty. So, let's--let's use an example. Take Erin. Erin's boyfriend, Andy, is away across the ocean. Dwight: Yeah. Nellie: So, is it all right for her to flirt with Creed, for example? Creed: Let's try it out. Nellie: No, let's--let's--let's not say Creed. Let's say “Mr. X.” Angela: Well, I think it would be immoral for Erin to cheat on Andy. Erin: Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't you cheat on Andy? Angela: Yes. And he didn't like it. Phyllis: Does Mr. “X” know that Erin has a boyfriend, or did Erin keep that from Mr. “X”? Kevin: Okay, this is really hard to follow. Can we just say Pete because that's the guy that Erin's flirting with? Pete: [clears throat] Dance Teacher: Ladies and gentlemen, the Little Ladybug Ballerinas. [Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star plays] Ballerinas: One, two, three. [Pam's cell phone ringing] Parent in Audience #1: Really? Pam: Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Ballerinas: One, two, three. Pam: [whispering] Hello? Yes, this is Pam Halpert. I got the mural? [loudly] Oh, my God! Audience: Shh! Pam: [whispering] Um, I'm sorry. I have to go. My daughter's a ladybug. I know that doesn't make any sense. Um, thank you, thank you. Parent in audience #2: You're very rude. Parent in audience #1: Yes, very rude. Pam: Shh! Kids are dancing. [Dwight and Darryl are standing at the elevator, as Mr. Romanko is leaving] Dwight: Thank you so much for coming. Darryl and I will be here to serve you for years and years and years and years. [chuckles] So, should we go call Jim and tell him to go screw himself? Darryl: Dwight, look, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, okay? [Darryl high-fives Dwight] Dwight: Athlead is my future. No disrespect to Dunder Mifflin, but if I can have fun at work, I want that. Dwight: It can't be more fun than selling paper and paper products. Darryl: It can. Dwight: Are you pretending to be crazy, huh? Phyllis: Well, Andy's cute, but he's too vanilla, whereas Pete--he's just one sick dude. I mean, you know this guy likes to get weird. Erin: I'm just gonna say this one more time. Pete and I haven't done anything. Meredith: Yeah, right. With slammin' bods like that, they ain't playing checkers. Oscar: People, it's 2013. Erin is a strong, independent woman. Who says she has to end up with any man? [starts to clap and no one else joins] Erin: Okay, can everyone please stop speaking for me? Andy is my boyfriend. Pete and I are just friends. And that's the end of it. Right, Pete? Pete: That is correct. Come on, guys, where is this even coming from? Kevin: Your feelings for Erin? Probably your heart... and a little bit your penis. All: [groan] Erin: Nellie, you have to shut down the Taskforce. I'm not sure if you need to start a new Taskforce to do that, but please just do whatever it takes. Nellie: I suppose that will--that will be all right, yeah. Nellie: Most relationships eventually die on their own, but sometimes they just need a little pillow over the face. You're welcome, Andy. And you're welcome, my own ass. Investor: Listen, I appreciate you taking the time with me. Athlead Employee 2: Peter, please. We completely understand your concerns here. Let us just show you the latest projections. Jim? Jim: Uh, Wade actually has those on the road, but he's gonna be calling in with those numbers any second. So just hold on one s— [cell phone vibrates] Jim: Oh, actually... uh, nope. That is my wife. Again, he'll be calling in any second. [Pam on phone leaving a message] Pam: Hey, uh, give me a call back when you get a chance. CeCe did great, and I want to tell you something. [Darryl in warehouse signing papers on top of a stacked pallet] Lonnie: Hey boss, you gotta jump on a delivery. Darryl: I don't do that anymore. Lonnie: That's what they told me. [Darryl opens passenger door to delivery van and gets in] Darryl: [sighs] Darryl: All right, let's get this over with. [Dwight is in the driver’s seat, has his head bowed with beanie covering his face. He jumps up] Dwight: You looking for fun? It just found you! Woo! [laughs] Darryl: [stares at camera blankly] Dwight: Here we go! Yeah! Dwight: Yes, we will be delivering a shipment of paper today, but I will also be delivering you a big shipment of fun! [We Are Young Plays on radio, while coloured LED lights flash in the van cab] Darryl: How far is this place? [turns off radio] Dwight: Uh, not far at all, but I thought along the way, we could play some sports. [throws mini basketball at Darryl] Darryl: Fun. Toby: Hey, really nice job in that meeting in there. Nellie: Oh, thank you. I don't know, I sort of thought— Toby: [hugging Nellie] So proud of you, Hon. Nellie: Oh, I don't know. Okay. [Nellie pushes away] Toby: I'm just curious though--what do you have against Pete and Erin? Nellie: Well, Andy wrote me a really nice recommendation letter for the adoption agency, and I--I just sort of felt I owed him one. Toby: Pete's a pretty cool guy, though, and Andy was a terrible lover to Erin. He basically ignored her and left on a boat. Nellie: I didn't really think about it like that. Toby: Yeah, well... Not everybody has what we have. [putting his hand atop of Nellie’s] Nellie: "What we have"? Toby: Mm-hmm. Nellie: I just remembered... I kissed that man. Oh, no. Oh, no. [at drive-through window, Dwight passes bag to Darryl] Dwight: Yes. Fast food. I'll take a burger over a gross Philly cheesesteak any day. Darryl: They have fast food in Philly. Dwight: Not like this. Darryl: Exactly like this. Fast Food Worker: And your milkshake. Dwight: Thank you. Darryl: It's 30 degrees out. You’re drinkin' a milkshake? Dwight: Nope. [throwing milkshake back through drive-through window, hitting the Fast Food Worker on the back of the head] Fire in the hole! [laughs] Oh, yeah! Now, that's what working at a paper company's all about! Darryl: takes keys out of ignition] Dwight: Wait, what you doing? No, I need the k--we have to go. Darryl: You just threw a milkshake in a restaurant where they make minimum wage. Dwight: It's a Youtube thing! Let's go. Let's go. Come on, they're coming. Pam: Anyone want to see the video from CeCe’s recital? Angela: Oh, I would love to, but I am swamped... with that [picks up a random piece of paper]. Oscar: [exasperatedly] I'll watch it. Let's get this over with. Pam: All right, you don't have to. [Kevin slowly walks over from his desk] Kevin: Let's get this over with, Pam. Pam: Okay. [sound of applause on phone] Oscar: Oh. Pam: Wait. What? Pam: [on recording] Excuse me. Sorry. I’m in a rush to get back to work. Pam: Oh, no. I took a phone call in the middle of taping, and then when I went to turn it back on, I must have turned it off. Oscar: User error. I've heard of that happening to other people. Angela: Oscar, don't rub it in. I'm sure Pam is already kicking herself for choosing a phone call over her child. Pam: Well, it was an important phone call. Pam: I haven't told anyone here about the mural yet. I want Jim to be the first to know. Whenever I tell him good news, he's always like, "Beesly!" I love that. Only thing better than getting the job-- "Beesly!" [chuckles] [Pete awkwardly walks over to copier] Pete: Hey. Erin: Hello, Peter. [copier whirring] [Dwight cleaning up the milkshake in the restaurant] Dwight: It barely even feels like a prank anymore. Darryl: You missed a spot. Drive Thru Customer: Fire in the hole! [throwing milkshake, hitting Dwight] Go, go, go, go! [tires screech] Dwight: Ha ha! Yeah, joke's on you, buddy! They make you come back and clean it up! Nellie: I am sorry that was so awkward for you two in that meeting. But I am going to have to reassemble the Youth Taskforce. Erin: Oh, no, I really don't think that's a good idea. Nellie: Well, that is not your call. I made the decision. You have no choice in the matter, and everybody knows it. Pete: Well, okay, then. Erin: I guess we don't have a choice. Nellie: Nope. Pete: Yeah. Erin: Yeah. [Pete and Erin leave conference room, Erin smiling] [Toby comes up behind Nellie at her desk and starts rubbing her shoulders] Toby: Lady...you never stop surprising me. [Darryl and Dwight park van and exit] Dwight: [sighs] Darryl: [clears throat] Dwight: What? What was that? Did I just hear you laughing with glee? Darryl: No. I was clearing my throat. Dwight: [sighs] Meredith: Good night. Pam: Night. Creed: Night. Pam: Night, Creed. [Pam’s cell phone rings, she answers] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: So, how's it going? Jim: We lost Bridgeport Capital. I have no idea what happened. It's like everything I did, he just wouldn't go for it. Pam: I'm so sorry. Jim: I have no idea where we're gonna come up with this money, and we have to work insanely hard over the next few weeks. Pam: Oh. I'm sorry. I feel like you've already been working insanely hard. Jim: Can you figure out how to upload CeCe’s dance recital? I definitely could use a pick-me-up. Pam: Um, actually, funny story--I didn't get it. I shouldn't have been so cocky about my rectangle-holding skills after all. Jim: You're not serious, are you? You didn't get any of the recital? Pam: No, I got the teacher introducing them and then the applause afterwards. But not so much of the middle part. Jim: Come on, Pam. Pam, I asked you if you could use the phone, and you swore that you knew how. Pam: Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. I'm sure we can get a copy. A lot of people were taping it. Jim: Oh, great. So, we'll see somebody else's kid with CeCe in the background? I mean, it's really not that hard to film a video. Pam: Is there--um... you want to ease up a little bit? Jim: Look, Pam, I don't know what to tell you. I mean, what do I do? It's gone. That moment's just gone. I missed it. Pam: I don't know, Jim--maybe you should have been there. Jim: You're not serious, right? I mean, how is that fair? I'm in Philly. These are my days in Philly. You've agreed to this. Pam: You know what? I--I don't think you want to start a conversation with me about what's fair, okay? This is way more intense than I ever-- Jim: Pam, I'm not explaining this to you--Pam, I'm not going over this again. I don't know how else-- Athlead Employee: Jim. We--we need you. Jim: I don't know how else to tell you, okay? I'm doing everything I can every week to bring home something... For our fam-- Pam: I am--I am--I am trying to make everything perfect here, okay? So that you can have everything that you want. Jim: I'm doing this just for me? Is that what I'm doing? I'm doing it just for me. If that's what you think, then this is a really sad night. But you know what? I got to go. Okay? Pam: Yep. Jim: We'll talk tomorrow? Pam: Yep. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Jim: Alright. Great. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Pam: Bye. [puts head in hands, crying] Brian: Hey, you okay? Pam: [shakes head] What am I doing wrong, Brian? Brian: Nothing. You're doing the best you can. Cameraman: Brian. Brian: Give her a minute. Give her a minute. Pam: [crying] Brian: Hey, it's just a tough situation, all right? Pam: It's getting tougher. I just didn't know that it was gonna be this hard. Brian: Yeah. Let's turn the cameras off. Seriously, guys. Enough. Enough. Pam: Thank you. [Darryl plays video on his computer] Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go, go, go, go! Darryl: [laughs] Guy: [on video] I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah. Darryl: And replay. Guy: [on video] Fire in the hole! Go, go, go, go! I nailed that guy, dude. Oh, yeah. Darryl: [sighs] I'm gonna miss the paper business.