Vandalism
Written By: Owen Ellickson Directed By: Lee Kirk Transcribed By: Admin [Nellie talking to Erin at reception] Nellie: Have you seen Darryl? Erin: He's around here somewhere. Nellie: Mmm. [Erin smiles deviously] Erin: Yeah, Darryl's here. So is Santa Claus. It's just a regular Thursday. [checks for anyone around] Neither guy is here. And, it's Friday. Welcome to me and Darryl's world of lies. [Erin placing sign on Darryl’s office door “CONFERENCE CALL DO NOT DISTURB!”] Erin: Nobody knows it yet, but Darryl already started working in Philly. So now, he has to sneak out of here like the sneakiest little sneaky-sneak you ever saw. And I'm his helper. It's so fun. [Erin walking upstairs carrying a giant teddy bear, as Darry is descending the stairs] Erin: Darryl, meet Bear-yl. Darryl: How much did you pay for that? Erin: Nothing. Won him at the carnival. Spent a ton on tickets, though. Drive safe. Darryl: Everybody knows I go to Philly. I've just been using sick days I saved up. But Erin was so excited about being sneaky-sneaks, I went along with it. [Erin in Darryl’s office laughing exaggeratedly as she exits, closing the door behind her] Erin: Ha, ha, ha! Darryl, you are too much. [to Phyllis] That guy's hilarious. He's here today. [camera zooms through crack in window, seeing giant teddy bear in Darryl's office] Pam: I've really been putting in the hours on this mural. And my boss is totally okay with it, because he's in the Bahamas and has no clue what anybody’s doing. I'm usually very self-critical. I hate what I paint. But I don't know, this time I feel like it's--um, it's really coming together... [sees mural] Oh, my God! [camera pans to mural with butts spraypainted over it] Pam: Wha? You've gotta be kidding me! What--are those--are those butts? [to warehouse crew] Huh? No way. No way! [Angela enters office] Angela: Excuse me, everyone. Is it okay if I leave early from work today? It's Phillip's first birthday, and the senator and I are hosting a party at our house. Erin: Oh, cute, so there'll be a bunch of kids. Angela: No. No children. Our house is not kid-friendly. Most of our furniture is sharp. Also, ew. It will mostly be campaign donors. Kevin: Angela, I am prepared to donate a whopping... [pulls cash from wallet] eight dollars to Lipton For America to have an invitation-- Angela: No, no, please. You know, actually none of you could even really make the cut for this thing. Which I am so sad about. Oscar: [whispering] Angela. You're going to find out, so I thought I'd let you know that, uh, Robert invited me too. Angela: What? Oscar: He said he wanted me there for support. Angela: I'm… his wife. Oscar: Angela's husband and I are in love. But, as a politician in this town, you still need the conventional blonde wife on your lawn signs. He is risking everything to have me there today. [laughs] Me. [Angela in stairwell on the phone to Robert] Angela: We agreed that you wouldn't be seen with him in public. It's humiliating for me. Well, if you get to bring a stud, maybe I do too. [in Darryl and Jim’s Philly apartment. Jim is eating cereal in the kitchen, Darryl walks in in a suit with a newspaper] Jim: Hey. Darryl: Hey. Jim: We are splitting a sublet on a place near Philly. Darryl: Just a couple of grown, sexy-ass roommates. Jim: And, as much as I miss Pam and the kids, it's, uh, kinda nice to live the bachelor life again. You know, let your hair down. Darryl: Jim was nice enough to give me his bedroom. Jim: I'm couching it! Darryl: Which usually means there's clothes all over the living room. Jim: And this dude labels his food. He's the clean one. I'm the messy one. How much fun is this? Darryl: I love Jim. I love that he hooked me up with a job. It's just, he uses old t-shirts as wash rags. He doesn't wash his dishes. Apparently, they need to [quote-unquote fingers] “soak”. He hooked me up with a job. [Pam in warehouse ascending on cherry picker with loudspeaker in hand] Pam: Attention, everyone. Can I have your attention, please? Yeah, I don't know everybody's name down here, but whoever did this, will you please raise your hand? [no one replies] Hello? This is not over. Okay? I will stay up here all day if I have to. Is that what you want? [everyone ignores her] [descends on cherry picker] Yeah, I will also come down if I want to. It's my choice. Pam: I don't demand justice often. I'm not like Angela, who calls a lawyer every time someone watches a YouTube video of animals doing it. But someone should get fired over this, right? Val's no help. Andy's gone. Jim's out. I just feel like I'm on my own here. [boom microphone bumps her head, she smiles] I mean, okay, not completely on my own, but in terms of people who can do something. Thank you, Brian. [exhales] [at Athlead office. Jim walks over to Darryl with thermos cup in hand] Jim: Hey, so Wade wants to send people to the Sloan conference. We gotta compile a list of our target clients. Darryl: Already on it. I ordered them by their Google trend ranking so we know who to hit first. Jim: [to camera] Who is this guy? We are killing it. Darryl: Yes, sir. Jim: Yeah! [Jim sits down at his desk and Darryl notices Jim is using his thermos] [Pam enters office] Pam: Conference room. Everybody. Now! Dwight: You don't have the clearance to call a conference room meeting. Pam: Yes, but David Wallace does. And he asked me to gather everyone to talk about stuff... That's gonna be revealed once we're in the conference room for the meeting. Dwight: You're telling me, David Wallace asked you to call a super-secret, classified conference room meeting? Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Let's go, everyone. Super-secret, classified conference room meeting, now! [Pam addressing everyone in conference room] Pam: I have terrible news. Someone defaced my mural. They painted all over it. Erin: I thought that's what you were doing. Pam: Yeah, but this is different. Erin: Oh. They used worse paint than your paint? Pam: I don't think so, but they put paint where I didn't want paint, so... Erin: I thought you wanted paint on the whole thing. Pam: Different colored paint. I wanted different colored paint in the spots where they put their paints, so, it just is--okay. The point is, these warehouse guys are vandals, and they need to be stopped. Meredith: Yeah, and somebody had the balls to put my phone number on the men's room wall, which is so messed up. It's 6782, not 83. Creed: Uh, 6783's also a good time. Less mileage. Oscar: Pam, what can be done? Pam: Yes, thank you. Let's answer that question. Oscar: I was politely saying nothing can be done. I thought I was clear. Pam: What? Come on, guys. We need to figure out who did this and punish them. This isn't just about me. This is about all of us. This is our mural. Don't you see, how much we worked on this? How much time and energy? We put our heart and soul into this thing. Phyllis: David Wallace called this meeting? Pam: Sure did. I was as surprised as you, but apparently he is very passionate about public art. [overlapping groans, as people begin to leave] Pam: No, no, come on, guys. Don't go. Dwight: Pam, I'll help you. Pam: You will? Dwight: If there's anything I hate worse than art, it's crime. Pam: Thank you? Nellie: I am in too, Pam. Pam: Yeah? Nellie: Yes, of course. I believe in you. I believe in your art. And I am bored. Pam: Great. Pam: I was hoping for a righteous mob, I ended up with Dwight and Nellie. But they both have a mob mentality. And, I'm pretty sure Dwight has a pitchfork in his car. [Dwight hurriedly enters the room unannounced] Dwight: You need my pitchfork? Pam: [exhales] [Angela runs up to Dwight as he is exiting the office] Angela: Hey! Dwight: What is it? I have vengeance to exact. Angela: Exciting news. There's room for one more at my son's birthday event, and I want you. [poking Dwight on his chest] Dwight: [Dwight shudders away] Ah, I'm not interested. Angela: What? Wait. The state transportation secretary will be there. You could sell your beet salt idea to the highway people. [gasps] Dwight: If I get the de-icing gig, it's not gonna be on merit. Not because I played politics. [exits] Kevin: Hey, so a little birdie just told me that Dwight can't come to your son's birthday. So, do you want me to go with you? Angela: No. Kevin: Okay, I understand. I'll just stay here, then. Alone with the money. Angela: Oh, crap. [the warehouse workers are sat around a table as Dwight hands out pieces of paper to each of them] Dwight: I am handing out pieces of paper. On which, you will draw one human butt. What I do with said drawings, is no one's business but my own. Frank: You're gonna to compare 'um to the butts up there. [gestures mural] Dwight: Incorrect. It is my fetish. Oh, also sign them. My fetish is signed drawings of butts. Glenn: I'm not drawing a butt. Nellie: All right, then no bottoms. Uh, we should ask you to do big, rounded Ws. Dwight: Yes. Or nipple-less breasts. Perhaps. Val: Okay, okay. I think it's time to get back to work. Come on, fellas. Let's go. Dwight: Or melons. Like cantaloups. With the halves are cut off. And then, just the bottom parts. Nellie: Well, this is getting us nowhere. Pam: We need another approach. Um, we need to fine the weakest one and separate him from the group. [they notice Nate struggling with a box] Pam: Yeah, I think if we could get Nate alone, we could crack him. Dwight: We just need a pretence to talk to him. We could tell him that his mother is dying. That usually works on him. [holds up phone] Nate. [gesturing to phone] Your mother is dying. [Nate looks in disbelief then falls to knees on ground with head in hand] Pam: See, I feel bad about that. Dwight: It's all right. It's all right. [Nate, Dwight, Nellie and Pam in warehouse office] Nate: So, she's gonna pull through again? [all nod] That's great. Can I talk to her? Dwight: No. She needs her rest again. Nellie: Now, listen. Now that we have got you here, let's talk about this mural business. Dwight: You know who the vandal is. Now, I know a lot of these warehouse guys are your friends, but we've got chewing gum. Nate: Gum's gotten mintier lately. Have you noticed? Like, some of it's just too minty. It's like they're literally trying to hurt your-- [Pam lunges forward] Pam: Tell us who defaced the mural! [Nate point outside the office to Frank] Nate: He did it. Pam: All right. You can go. Give him his gum. Dwight: There's no gum. There never was any gum. [Nate gets up to leave] Nate: [quietly] Wow. That's really rude. [at Philip’s birthday part. Indistinct chatter, soft piano music. Kevin and Oscar are standing together] Kevin: Opening with puff pastries? That's a bold play. They're saying, it's only gonna get better from here? Good luck. Oscar: [noticing a portrait of Angela on the wall] That painting is just... How can anyone that weighs less than a guinea hen be so terrifying? Party Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Senator and Angela Lipton. [guests applaud] Senator: Thanks, everybody. Thanks for coming. Phillip had no idea he was so popular. Angela: [laughs] Oh, Robert, you're horrible. [to other guests] Simon, Maxine. [sarcastically] Who let you guys in here? All: [laugh] [at Athlead office] Wade: [pointing to Jim and Darryl] This is the team. Jim: Nice job, man. Darryl: You too... Darryl. Jim: [confused] What? [Darryl points at his thermos Jim has been using] Oh, man. I'm sorry about that. Darryl: It's cool. Reading's tricky sometimes. Jim: Oh... Are you really mad about this? Darryl: That's my go-to thermos, that's all. Jim: Oh. It's your go-to--therm. Oh, man, that's a bummer. I'm sorry about that. Darryl: No big deal. No big deal. Jim: No, no. If it's a big deal, it's a big deal. Darryl: Nah, nah... Jim: No big deal. [Jim empties contents into trash] Darryl: No, no, no, no. You don't have to do that. Jim: Honestly, I don't mind. [long, awkward pause until thermos is empty] Did you want me to wash it for you or... Darryl: I don't know. You gonna wash it? Or you gonna let it soak? [tense pause] Jim: Okay. [picks up piece of paper and beings to exit room] Here ya go. [roughly hands Darryl his thermos] Darryl: Thank you. [Nellie, Toby and Pam interrogating Frank in the conference room] Nellie: So, Frank, do you have any thoughts about what was done? By you? Pam: [to Nellie] Maybe--maybe I could, could get the ball rolling. [Nellie nods] Um, Frank? Hi. Pam. Um, I am so sorry if I've done anything to offend you. I'm sure it isn't easy for you guys to have an upstairs person coming down in your space. So, truly, I--I--I apologize. But enough about me. Your turn. [Frank remains silent, picks ear] Toby: [meekly] Insert apology here, Frank? Frank: I'm sorry I didn't like your crappy doodles. I drew a butt. Big deal. Butts are funny. Pam: Well, I didn't think that butt was funny. Frank: Well, maybe if you got the stick out of yours. Pam: What was that? Frank: You know what? You people can't fire me. So, screw you. [gets up and leaves room] Pam: Whoa! Hey, that is not okay. What are you gonna do about that? Toby: Uh--it--compliment... Nellie: The first sorry sounded sincere. Toby: There were two or three sorries in there. Nellie: Mm, that’s quite a lot. Toby: It’s a lot. [Pams walks over to Dwight seated at his desk] Pam: That sucked. He didn't apologize. There's no talking to that guy. Dwight: Oh, your little feelings party didn't work out, huh? Who won the hugging contest? No, let me guess. Everyone tied for first. Pam: We should just take him down. Dwight: Wait. Are you saying... Pam: I'm saying we should go scorched earth on that guy's face. Dwight: Normally, I find Pam to be a comforting, if unarousing, presence around the office. Like a well-watered fern. But, today, she has tapped into this vengeful violent side, and I'm like, wow, Pam has kind of a good butt. [Dwight and Pam seated at their desks] Dwight: He messed with something that was important to you. We need to mess with something that's important to him. Pam: Yes. Dwight: A little eye-for-an-eye action. Pam: Yes Dwight: Go all Hammurabi on this clown. Pam: We need an infiltrator. Dwight: I know just the man for the job. [looks at Clark] Pam: Clark? Dwight: He even looks like a mole. [Philip’s birthday party, Oscar is talking to the Senator and a bunch of guests] Oscar: One of his tee shots can wipe out a whole owl population. All: [laugh] Party Guest: You two seem very close. Senator: Yes, we're good friends. Good friends. Oscar: Yeah. Senator: And I suppose that may ruffle a few feathers. Because for a long time, our party has turned its back on the Hispanic people. Well, that is not who I am. [puts arms around Oscar] I am a friend of the Latino community. And, if you ask me, it's time we bid bigotry hasta luego. [guests laugh] Now, does my embrace of Hispanics make me more electable? Given demographic trends? I don't know. And I don't care. What I care about is Oscar. [slaps Oscar's cheek] My friend. Mi amigo Oscar. [guests applaud as the Senator hugs Oscar] Oscar: Maybe I should be insulted that he only invited me here to be his token Mexican friend. But he could of invited any number of Hispanics that he knows--his gardener, Rohelio. Or he could've invited... Rohelio. But he chose me. Rohelio's Malaysian... The son of a bitch is Malaysian. [Darryl and Jim back at the apartment] Darryl: Oh, hey. Jim: Hey. Darryl: Hey, I usually watch TV during my lunch breaks. It's cool? Jim: Yeah. Totally. Darryl: All right. [Darryl eyes Jim drinking from a thermos] Jim: It's mine. Don't worry. Darryl: I didn't say anything. Jim: I don't think you had to. Darryl: Excuse me? Jim: I think you might be going a little crazy with this labelling thing, man. I mean, you put your name on a five-pound bag of flour. Are you honestly saying that, if I needed flour I couldn't use that? Darryl: What you need flour for, Jim? Jim: That's not the point. Darryl: What you making, bread? Jim: No, I'm not making bread. Darryl: What kind of bread you making? Pumpernickel? Jim: Darryl, it doesn't matter. Darryl, I think you know the point I'm trying to make. Darryl: All right, I'm being a jerk. You got me this job. I should be grateful. I am, I just... you know, I get finicky about my stuff. That's all. Jim: It's all good. Are we all good? Darryl: We good. Jim: What's that cooler? Darryl: Nothing. [pulls out a can of soda] It's mine. [Jim shakes his head] Darryl: [after looking through DVR] What happened to my Tavis Smileys? Jim: Oh, crap. Were those yours? [Dwight, Clark and Pam walking outside to the warehouse. Clark is in a warehouse workers clothes, while Dwight drags him by the arm] Dwight: I never want to see you working in the upstairs office again! Do you hear me? Clark: Well, my only crime was loving the local sports teams and trying to be one of the guys. Dwight: Silence. You'll now be working in the warehouse with the untouchables. Now, go make your hands rough with work. Clark: Okay, boss. [quietly to Pam] Pam, you know this is ridiculous, right? Like, you're smarter than this. [Pam places beanie on Clark’s head] Pam: Shh, shh, shh. Clark: This is never gonna work. Pam: Shh, shh. Remember your lines. Clark: What lines? Dwight: Go move some paper! [Pam hiding in the warehouse on the phone to Darryl] Pam: Hey, you know that guy Frank who works in the warehouse? Darryl: He's not my hire, but I know who he is. Pam: Okay. What does he like? What's important to him? Does he have like a favorite pair of boots or a lunch box or-- Darryl: What, is he retiring? You getting him a gift or something? Pam: Yeah, something like that. Darryl: I know he loves his pickup truck. Pam: Oh, great! [to Dwight] His truck! Dwight: Great. Get the plate number. Pam: Okay. [to Darryl] Do you know the plate--never mind. Why would you know that? And why would I be asking that? Dwight: So, we know which truck to fill… Darryl: Hey. While I got you on the phone, your husband's like a sloppy, homeless hobo. Can you fix that? Pam: Yeah. I was kinda hoping you could. I gotta go. Bye. [to Dwight] Come on. [camera pans to Clark duct taped to a chair] [group posing for photo at Philip’s birthday] Party Photographer: Hold on a second. Uh, Sandeep? Let's get you closer to the senator. Just about there. Great. And, Oscar, I'm gonna need you to step a little closer to the Senator, as well. Somewhere there. Angela: He's blocking me. Senator: It's only a photo, honey. Party Photographer: [to dark-skinned party waiter] Excuse me, uh, what's your name? Party Waiter: Shawn. Party Photographer: LaShawn, great. You wanna be in a photo? Right this way. [notices overweight waiter following] Not you. No. Oscar: He put me here. Angela: He put you right in front of me? Oscar: He placed me there. He did. He placed me here. Angela: He put you right in front of me? Party Photographer: Let's just wheel Margaret right in front-- [Angela elbows Oscar] Oscar: Ow! Robert?! Senator: Angela. Party Photographer: Smile. [Angela attempts to get in front of Oscar as pictures are taken] [Pam walks up to Dwight who is painting on the rear of a pickup truck] Pam: I'm done. What are you... Is that supposed to be my mural? Dwight: Yeah, Frank draws a butt on your mural. I'm drawing your mural on Frank's truck's butt. Eye for an eye, mamacita. Pam: Aw, Dwight, that's really sweet. Dwight: Let's see yours. Pam: Oh, no. Um, I'm embarrassed. It's stupid. Dwight: This is amazing! Frank! And he's leaving a trail of poops? Pam: Yeah. And he has saggy boobs. Dwight: I saw that. That's great! Pam: I feel better. Dwight: Good. I'm glad you feel better. This has been a wonderful day. I have to say, I like hanging out with a vengeful bitch. Pam: I know. You miss Angela, don't you? Dwight: Ugh! Don't sympathize. You're ruining the mood. Back to work. Draw his penis. [Pam leaving work, putting items in the back of her car] Pam: I got back at Frank in the most fitting way possible. With my art. You know, the paints are water-based. It's gonna come off with a hose. But I think the lesson will last a very-- [Frank exits office building and approaches Pam] Frank: Lady! My truck? You had no right! Pam: No, you had no right! Frank: It's a $40,000 truck! Pam: So? You started it! Frank: So? So, someone need to shut you up! [charges towards Pam] Brian: Hey, hey, hey! [knocks Frank down with boom microphone] Pam: Whoa. Brian: [Frank gets up] Easy! [Frank grabs him and they tussle] Frank: Son of a bitch! Pam: Guys? Brian: You're gonna hit a woman? [all grunting, as other crew members come to break up the fight] [Senator thanking guests as they leave the party] Senator: Thanks so much for coming. Thanks so much. [to Oscar and Angela] Well… Have we all calmed down yet? Oscar: Yes. Sorry about that. Angela: It was all my fault. Senator: Let's all try to do better next time. Kevin, great to see you. Kevin: Yeah. Thank you for the food. Oh, and also, you suck. Senator: I beg your pardon. Kevin: You are, like, a terrible person. These guys care about you, and you're just using them. Again, the food was very good. [Oscar and Angela leave looking smug] [Pam talking to Brian as he packs up his belongings] Pam: Well, I'm gonna say something to the producers. Brian: No. No, it's... Pam: You shouldn't be fired. I mean, you were just protecting me. Brian: It's all good. I knew what I was doing. It's... I'm sorry about your mural, though. I mean, because you put so much into that. Pam: Oh, no, forget about my mural. It's stupid. Brian: No. You, you worked hard on that. That guy's an animal. I'm glad they're firing him too. Pam: It's crazy. Brian, I'm so sorry. Brian: Look. I don't--I don't wanna put myself where I don't belong. If you ever need me, you just call me, and I'll be there for you. Pam: Thanks, Brian. Brian: Seeya. Jim: Wow. This whole Philly thing has been so much fun that I may have lost sight of what really matters. I mean, having fun is not nearly as important as being good to the people who you really care about. I mean, that's just 'Roommates 101'. [Darryl and Jim playing video game] Darryl: Oh, come on. Jim: Oh. Oh! Darryl: Damn! Video Game: You wins. [Darryl throws empty can on floor] Jim: How good did that feel? Darryl: That felt really good, actually.