Moving On (Parts 1 & 2)
Written By: Graham Wagner
Directed By: Jon Favreau
Transcribed By: Admin
[David Wallace and Andy in the conference room]
David Wallace: No, you lied to me Andy. You pretended to be in this office for three months, and you were sailing on your boat!
Andy: I resent that. I--I never lied to you.
David Wallace: Really? [reading from phone] "Hey, David, all is good in Scranton PA."
Andy: And all was good in Scranton, P.A. that day.
David Wallace: "By the way, Oscar says ‘hi’"
Andy: Oscar says ‘hi’ all the time. He says all kinds of greetings-- "Hi", "Hello", "Hola". You're telling me you've never heard Oscar say "hi"?
David Wallace: Andy--
Andy: You're calling me a liar?
David Wallace: Andy--
Andy: By the way, that reminds me. I want to ask you about some of the lies you've been telling lately.
David Wallace: Watch it, Andy.
Andy: Oh, here we go. January seventh, 2013. [reads from phone] "Hey, Andy, all's well. Been meaning to make it down there, but my wife's sick." Well, which is it?! Is all well, or is your wife sick?! Bust4ed!
David Wallace: My wife?
Andy: This has been a really tough time.
David Wallace: Yeah?
Andy: Yeah.
David Wallace: Has it?
Andy: Erin just dumped me, and I can't remember any of the “aha” moments I had on the boat, and I know it sounds weird to say, but I really miss my beard.
David Wallace: Shh.
Andy: It was like a security blanket.
David Wallace: Andy… shh. I'm not gonna fire you.
Andy: You're not?
David Wallace: No.
Andy: That's awesome.
David Wallace: I wouldn't own the company if it wasn't for you. So, I owe you that.
Andy: David, I'll be there for you. These five words I swear to you. When you breathe, I want to be the air for you. I'll be there for you. That's a poem by J.B. Jovi. I want you to have it.
David: We are even now. Understand? Got it?
Andy: Crystal.
David: You are on very—Hey. Very thin ice.
Andy: Vanilla.
[David looks confused]
Andy: Vanilla Ice. He was a band.
[Andy enters office, Erin is seated at reception]
Andy: Good morning.
Erin: Good morning.
Andy: And how are you on this fine d… [chokes up, runs to his office, slams door, and pulls the blinds closed. Andy peeks through blinds at Erin]
[Andy in his office crying at his desk]
Andy: Okay. [clears throat] We ready? [cut] Don't use that part. Last week, Erin told me that our relationship would be proceeding without me. [clears throat] Now I have to see her every day at work, which is brutal. When people say office relationships are a good idea, they never talk about what might happen if you break up.
[camera pans to whole office. Andy loudly moaning in the background]
Andy: [loudly moaning and wailing]
Pam: He sounds like a wounded animal.
Stanley: Should've put him out of his misery and just fired her.
Phyllis: I can't be around sad people. It makes me sad.
Stanley: I'm the same way with hоrny people.
Pam: Okay.
[Pete enters the office and goes to reception]
Erin: Yes, Pete and I have started seeing each other, and Andy still doesn't know. We thought that keeping it secret was more considerate to him. [Andy sobbing] And hot for us. I mean, I saw Pete's butt. It's sick.
[Pam gets up to get her printing, Kevin grabs it first, and Pam quickly snatches it from his hand]
Pam: Oh, that's mine. Um, I'll just--I'll get it out of the way for you.
Pam: Jim set up a job interview for me today in Philly. It's, um, with a real estate company, which is a great fit for me, because I live in a house and I know what a bathroom is. [laughs] I'm sorry. I am just very nervous because, honestly, this is all moving a lot faster than I expected, and--and because my resume can fit on a post-it note.
[Dwight talks on phone to Mose]
Dwight: No, don't just let her eat the grass, she'll puke it right up. Okay, just put out two bowls and see which feed she prefers. I'm sorry to be taking up so much of your precious time, Mose, but she's your Aunt too. Fine. I'll see what I can do.
[Angela walks into the breakroom and puts money into the vending machine. Dwight jumps out from behind the vending machine]
Dwight: I need you.
Angela: Ahh! Dwight!
Dwight: And you should take breaks more often. I've been waiting there for 45 minutes.
Angela: What? What is it?
Dwight: It's my Aunt Shirley, she's on her last legs.
Angela: Dwight, that's awful.
Dwight: You have no idea. I mean, her hair, clothes, it's all falling off in great big clumps and we need someone to go out there and clean her up. We had a nurse, but she quit because she was "poisoned" by Aunt Shirley.
Angela: What do you mean by "poisoned"?
Dwight: Probably nothing. Or strychnine. Or lemonade and strychnine, which is actually what it was.
Angela: Okay, well, I'm very sorry about your Aunt.
Dwight: Thank you.
Angela: But I don't see how this is my problem.
Dwight: Angela, you owe me one, remember? Now, please. She's an old woman, Angela. She needs a woman's touch. It's all hanging out...
Angela: Ugh.
Dwight: And there's parts of her I don't even recognize.
Angela: Gah.
Dwight: There's this one hanging part in particular, that's some sort of flap.
Angela: It's fine.
Dwight: It's like a prehensile wing or something, you know?
Angela: Ugh! God. All right. I can’t--okay. I’ll help you.
Dwight: There’s a divot where it was, and it needs--it needs…
Angela: Ugh.
[Pam is leaving the office, Andy stands at his office door]
Andy: Where are you going?
Pam: Uh, not on a three-month boat trip.
Andy: Oh, burn. Ha.
[Dwight and Angela are leaving the office]
Andy: Uh, excuse me. What, everyone can just leave whenever they want now?
Dwight: How dare you?
Andy: I'm still the boss!
[Erin walks into Andy’s office]
Erin: I...
Andy: The answer is yes.
Erin: I have some messages for you.
Andy: Are they from you?
Erin: Well, no, they're from clients.
Andy: Well then, I don't want them. You can keep 'em. In fact, you can keep that big blue Nautica sweater. I know how much you love it.
Erin: I can't. I--
Andy: No, I insist upon it. It's an awesome sweater. Some great memories tied up in that thing.
Erin: These are messages from clients who want to buy paper.
Andy: I don't want to talk about work right now.
Erin: Well, I only want to talk about work right now.
Andy: Then I want my big blue sweater back.
Erin: Well, I gave it to the Salvation Army.
[Andy walks into the Annex where Pete and Clark are talking. Andy sits on their desk]
Pete: I've got the seat adjusted right.
Clark: Perfect height. Yeah.
Andy: She got rid of it. My blue sweater. What is that about?
Pete: I was just leaving.
Andy: Stay. We are in the brozone layer. Okay, Nard dog, Plop, and Clarker Posey, AKA Clarkwork Orange. Here's the sitch. Erin dumped me, natch. But she got rid of my blue sweater, which was her favorite. Is she moving on a little fast, or am I being a total psycho? Plop, you go first.
Pete: I don't know. Women do tend to move on quicker than men.
Andy: Survey says… [buzzer sound] Doesn't make me feel better at all. Zero Clark Thirty, what do you got?
Clark: Well, look at it this way, being a bachelor is not all bad. I mean, you've got your freedom now.
Andy: Last night I ordered a pizza by myself, and I ate it over the sink like a rat.
Clark: There you go, good for you.
[Clark goes in high-five Andy]
Andy: No.
Clark: You just let it all hang out, that's what...
Andy: May not seem like it, but this really helped. So, thank you.
[Andy leaves]
Clark: I'll give you a hundred dollars to wear that sweater to work tomorrow.
[Dwight and Angela walk with shopping bags to Aunt Shirley’s house]
Dwight: Aunt Shirley, hello, it's me, Dwight.
Aunt Shirley: Oh, looky here. It's big city Dwight. Careful you don't get mud on those fancy town shoes, big city Dwight.
Angela: Hello, Aunt Shirley.
Aunt Shirley: Who's this little kitchen witch? She's so tiny, like a little kitchen witch.
Dwight: This is Angela, and we brought you some new clothes!
[Aunt Shirley gets up, her boob showing]
Aunt Shirley: New clothes? What for?
Dwight: Oh, dear God.
Angela: Oh, God.
Dwight: Okay. You know what, before you put the new clothes on, Angela's gonna get you cleaned up a little bit.
Angela: Yes. How would you like a nice, warm bath?
[Angela attempts to cover Aunt Shirley’s boob with her cardigan]
Aunt Shirley: How would you like a mean, cold slap?
[Aunt Shirley slaps Angela]
Angela: Ow!
Dwight: Okay, Aunt Shirley, dear, uh, can I get you a nice crisp liter of schnapps?
Aunt Shirley: I could do that.
Dwight: Okay.
Angela: No. No.
Dwight: Yeah, trust me.
Angela: No.
Dwight: It keeps her docile. Go to the kitchen, get the largest receptacle you can find.
Aunt Shirley: Step on it.
Andy: Why doesn't Erin seem sad? Has she found someone new or something? And, if so, why hasn't she told me? Is she trying to spare my feelings? During breakups, the mind goes to some crazy dark places.
[Erin leaves the office, leaving her mobile phone at the reception desk. Andy walks over and begins to look at her phone]
Phyllis: Andy, don't. No good can come from snooping.
Andy: I'm not snooping, there's just some crud on her screen.
Oscar: You're clearly snooping.
Creed: That's kinda uncool, man.
Oscar: Andy.
Meredith: Ah, come on.
Phyllis: Andy!
Oscar: That's her private property.
Meredith: Tell us! Boo!
Andy: Uh, hello? Who's snooping on who now?
Phyllis: What does that even mean?
Andy: Everyone, just please--
Meredith: What's it say?
Phyllis: Put it down.
Oscar: Come on, Andy.
Phyllis: Put it down.
Oscar: Andy. That is her private property.
Meredith: Boo.
Andy: Oh, my God. [Andy drops Erin’s phone on the desk in shock]
Stanley: Uh huh.
Phyllis: See?
Stanley: That's where nosy'll get you.
Phyllis: Told you so.
[Andy busts into the annex]
Andy: Darryl, Clark, Toby, Kevin, Plop. Take a knee. Alright, you guys are gonna think I'm psycho again. Uh, couldn't shake this feeling that Erin's dating someone, so I looked at her phone.
Darryl: Man, you can't do that stuff. You'll only find pain. When my ex-wife got into my email account, she was devastated.
Andy: Too late. I found out she's been texting a guy named Pete. Does anybody know a Pete?
Kevin: Pete...
Clark: Hmm.
Kevin: Pete what?
Pete: It just occurred to me that Andy has been calling me Plop for so long, he forgot my real name. Which is Pete.
[Andy opens the fridge to see a lunchbag with “Pete” handwritten on the front, he looks to the camera. Pete is in the background and slowly lowers himself below his computer]
[Pam enters Athlead office and walks up to Jim’s desk]
Pam: [whispers] Hello.
Jim: Hey. There she is.
Pam: [chuckles]
Jim: How you doin?
Pam: Hi. Hey, do I look okay?
Jim: You look great.
Pam: Okay.
Jim: Yeah.
Pam: [pointing to Jim's bluetooth headset] What's that? Is that a--
Jim: Okay, I know where you're going with this, and this is who I am now. I'm a douche. But look what I can do with my hands.
Pam: [giggles]
Isaac: Gotta go, VIP just walked through the door.
Pam: How are you, Isaac? You have something in your ear.
Isaac: It's a phone?
Pam: Yes, it is. and thank you so much for setting up this opportunity. I really appreciate it.
Isaac: Of course. Anything for Team Halpert. You're gonna crush it, Pam.
Pam: Thanks.
Jim: You are gonna crush it.
Pam: Mmh.
Jim: Wow, I missed you.
Pam: Wait, are you saying that into the phone or are you saying that to me?
Jim: [touches headset] Call you right back. What were you saying?
Pam: Ha-ha.
Athlead Coworker: Hey, Jim. We've got Trent Edwards on the line.
Jim: I've gotta go, but you know what? [mocking Isaac] Team Halpert, okay? You're gonna crush it, you're gonna smash it.
Pam: [giggles]
Jim: Okay. Good luck.
Pam: Bye.
[Angela and Dwight watch Aunt Shirley sleep on the couch]
Angela: Gosh, she drank so much. And so quickly.
Dwight: Mm. In her prime, Shirls could put away homemade schnapps morning, noon, and night.
Aunt Shirley: [coughs and laughs in her sleep]
Dwight: Now all it takes is half a liter. She's dreaming. All right, let's get her out to the yard so you can spray her down.
Angela: Spray her down?
Dwight: No, it's a lot better than it sounds. There's a private shower area. Very tasteful, very rustic.
[Erin watches as Pete walks into Andy’s office]
Pete: Hey.
Andy: Come on in. Have a seat. Uh, thanks for coming in. I just gotta get something off my chest. I just got some really weird news, and, uh, I'm just gonna come out and say it. I just got off the phone with my doctor, and it turns out I contracted [reads computer screen] ch-lamydia from Erin. And it's incurable. Pretty lame, huh?
Pete: Yeah. [long pause] You were gone…
Andy: I knew it!
Pete: For a long time, Andy.
Andy: You and Erin are f…
Pete: Andy, just so you know, there was no overlap.
Andy: No overlap? Great. Good. Wow. This is suddenly so easy. Guess what? You're fired!
Pete: What?
Andy: Yeah. You. Are. Fired! One of the perks of being boss. I can fire anyone who steals my girlfriend. And, wow, that turns out to be you. Yup, sorry… [singing] So you had a bad day--
Pete: Andy?
Andy: The camera don't lie.
Pete: Andy.
Andy: You're a big idiot,
Pete: I'm trying to...
Andy: Get out of my office…
Pete: Andy.
Andy: Turns out you're fired...
Pete: Andy.
Andy: Because you suck.
Pete: You can't fire--
Andy: And you're fired…
Pete: If you want to talk to me--
Andy: So, you had a bad day...
Pete: I'll be in the annex. All right?
Andy: [scatting]
Pete: Alright? I'll be in the annex.
Andy: [scatting]
Pete: Toby.
Andy: [scatting]
Pete: Toby?
[Toby talks to Andy in the annex]
Toby: You can't fire Pete. You understand why, right?
Andy: No.
Toby: Oh, Andy, we had this exact same conversation when you wanted to get rid of Nellie. You can't just get rid of people over grudges.
Andy: Nellie was a professional grudge. This is a purely personal grudge.
Toby: All right, well, look, while I have you, this is a relationship disclosure form for Pete and Erin.
Andy: They already have a contract? [reading] "Mutually agree to…" Ah, every phrase is like a dagger in my crotch.
Toby: It's just boiler plating, you don't have to read it.
Andy: Well, I'm not signing away my rights.
Toby: I already signed it. I was just showing you.
Andy: [crumples paper] Okay, well, we'll see about that.
Toby: Andy, it's not the original. And destroying it will not stop them from dating. Andy.
[Andy throws paper at Toby, kicks desk and leaves. Toby straightens paper out]
Toby: It's the original.
[Pam enters a new office]
Mark: [singing] If they’re talking Chester Avenue, talking triplex, talking converting...Is that her? Hey, guys! Say something.
Pam: Hello.
Mark: Hi, I'm Mark.
Pam: Hi. Pam. Hello.
Mark: I'm the horrible boss around here, but please don't hire Jamie Foxx to kill me. D'Jango! I don't agree with the use of the "N" word in that movie. It's--it's too soon.
Pam: I'm Pam Halpert.
Mark: Oh, hi. They call me Marky Mark around here, because here at Simon Realty, we are one funky bunch! Come on, you guys. Raise the roof when I say that. I--what are you, all temps again today? [whistles] Let's go, Gangnam style. [laughs] [points to man of Asian descent] He's heard Gangnam style, he knows it. Right? That's cause he's American. This is Carl. Uh, he's from here. He’s from our neck of the woods. But Gangnam style is great, isn't it?
Pam: Oh, my God. He's Michael Scott.
[Dwight chaining a lawn chair to the ground in a barn]
Dwight: [grunts]
Aunt Shirley: Time to get clean!
Dwight: It's hosing time, Aunt Shirley. Have a seat. You're gonna have a hard time hearing her over the roar of the hose.
Angela: We have to do chains?
Dwight: Oh, you'll see. Here we go.
Aunt Shirley: Get this show on the road.
Dwight: Let's do it. Ready? Here's a box cutter to get her clothes off.
Angela: Dwight!
Dwight: Let's get to it.
Dwight: Give it a whirl.
Angela: No. No.
Angela: Dwight, I am not gonna hose your Aunt down like some animal.
Aunt Shirley: Stop your bellyaching and hose me.
Dwight: I need you to hose my Aunt.
Angela: No, Dwight!
Dwight: Okay, you are useless.
Angela: No, no.
Dwight: Give me the hose!
Angela: No Dwight, I won't--
[Angela accidentally hoses Dwight]
[both shout]
Dwight: Ahh! Okay!
Angela: [grunting] I'm gonna give your aunt a proper bath and a haircut like a lady! And you two are gonna shut up about it! Do you have a bathtub?
Dwight: Yes, ma'am.
Angela: Good.
Mark: This is not an office so much as it is a uh, rec room with a bunch of computers in it. Frankly, if I had my way, I'd toss the computers in the gar-bage, but unfortunately we use them for practically everything we do, so… That ain't gonna happen. He's a temp. Don't worry about him. Alice! All right. Stay awake, okay?
[Toby gets a cup of water from the cooler]
Toby: Hey, Nellie. Mm. I am so sick of February. It's the shortest month, but it sure doesn't feel that way. We should catch up.
Nellie: Um…
Toby: You know, I've been going over my notes from the trial--
Nellie: Oh no, Toby. No.
Toby: I feel like I may have glossed over a few--
Nellie: No, no, no, no.
Toby: Minor points.
Nellie: No, Toby, you cannot keep blathering on about this Scranton Strangler. Do something about it. Get it out of your system, whatever it takes.
Toby: I've been drafting a letter.
Nellie: For two years! Then what? Another year picking out a stamp? Another six months before you decide to lick it? Just-- I don't want to hear it!
[Mark continues taking Pam on the office tour]
Mark: My Aunt Joan. Oh, uh well, she, uh, she worked here before I did, so there's no nepotism involved. In fact, to be honest with you, I'm probably a little harder on her than I am on the rest of these people. Ah, can you not work on this? Work on this month’s. Okay, Nana? Uh, when I say, "Chillax," people chillax. Watch this. Hey, Roger, chillax! Must not have heard me.
Roger: No. I heard you.
Mark: Step this way for The Spanish Inquisition! [laughs] Kids in the Hall. Just--it's not high pressure. Just a little [Brooklyn accent] Cawfee Talk. Okay? Like buttah. Come on in here. Mike Myers.
Pam: [mouths] Oh, my God.
[Erin enters the kitchen. Andy comes out of his office to address everyone]
Andy: Thank you! Thanks. Thanks a lot. Really appreciate it. You guys are supposed to have my back. Okay? Instead, you let a guy named Plop steal my girlfriend.
Meredith: Hey, boss, I did everything I could. I invited Pete out for drinks, I emailed him shots of my junk....
Andy: Ugh.
Meredith: Kid doesn't have a romantic bone in his body.
Phyllis: Come on, Andy. They're a good match.
Andy: That doesn't matter, okay? What matters is that I am hurt! Deep hurt inside of me. I don't care if they're Romeo and freaking Juliet! I feel like the guy that Juliet dated before Romeo. Probably her boss. And guess what? Juliet's boss also had feelings.
Darryl: Hey, Andy.
Andy: What?
Darryl: You've got a booger bubble going on there.
Andy: [wipes nose] Sorry.
Darryl: It's okay.
Andy: My whole life is a booger bubble!
Mark: This is a tiny resume. [inhales] Papa Smurf! Come back to the mushroom.
Pam: [laughs]
Mark: From The Smurfs movie.
Pam: Yeah. I've seen that with my kids. Um, it is tiny. But I've actually been commissioned by the City of Scranton to paint a mural--
Mark: What does this say here? [speaking gibberish] What language is this? Swahili? [flips paper around] Oh, wait a second, now I can read it.
Pam: Oh, ‘cause it was upside-down.
[both laugh]
Mark: You're a good audience.
Pam: [laughs] So, um--
Mark: Unlike some of these people around here.
Pam: Yeah, the um, the city commissioned me to do the--
Mark: Yeah, we don't have a lot of call for doodling around here. But I like this resume, and here's why. It shows that you stick around. Yeah, you don't jump ship easily. Like a lot of these people. [sighs] I mean, they--they worship me you know? But do they like me? I mean, you think they like me, Pam?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: [gets guitar] What if Bob Dylan was your boss? I'm gonna do Dylan! [plays guitar and imitates Bob Dylan] Pam Halpert is my name, and I've been at Dunder Mifflin for… seven years? Eight years? Eight years, man. Got the Dunder Mifflin blues. Got the Pam Halpert blues. Got Pratt--went to the Pratt Institute. You have children?
Pam: Two children, yes.
Mark: You wrote Art and Painting, kinda the same thing.
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Mark: Kinda the same thing. Sometimes I repeat myself, but that's just being Pam. Well, I'm kinda cute and I'm… but I'm married, so...leave that be.
[Pete enters Andy’s office]
Pete: Hey. You got a sec to talk?
Andy: Kinda painful to chat with you, Pete, ever since the ol’ one-two punch to my scrοtum pole. Translation--penis. Translation--my manhood.
Pete: Yeah, look, uh… I understand breakups are tough. You know, it happens to all of us at some point in life. But you gotta move on.
Andy: Great advice. Thank you. You can leave now.
[Erin enters Andy’s office]
Erin: Listen to him, Andy. He's trying to tell you something that you really need to hear.
Andy: Awesome perspective. Thanks for butting in.
Pete: Well, I've been where you are now. I dated this girl Alice, and it was an ugly breakup. She worked at a marketing agency right next to my house. I'd run into her every day, but I had to grow up and deal with it, and I did. We're even Facebook friends now.
Erin: See? We can all be friends.
Pete: Yeah.
Erin: Just, get over it. It doesn't have to be awkward.
Pete: I do think we can have a fair... [voice fading]
Andy: Yeah, so life gives you lemons, and you just gotta eat ‘em, rinds and all. And if you don't want to eat them? Your ex-girlfriend will shove them down your throat with the help of her hunky new boyfriend. So that's fun.
Mark: Nothing to see here! Boss at work. This will be your desk, right up front. Best seat on the roller coaster, you must be this tall to ride this ride. No pregnant women allowed. Are you? I’m not a allowed to ask, so…
Pam: I am not pr---
Mark: You're not pregnant.
Pam: Pregnant, no.
Mark: I didn't ask her if she was pregnant. She just offered it. The last three girls here all got pregnant.
Pam: Wow.
Mark: Don’t--don't be afraid, it's a different chair. I don't want a guy up here. I want to, you know, see a woman come in and do a great job. Something that, I have to look out this window--I want someone--
Pam: I'm sorry, I thought this job was for the position of office manager.
Mark: It is. Yeah, you’d, uh, manage this office. Answer the phones and forward the calls, and, uh, you know, go for a coffee run now and again.
Pam: So, kinda like a receptionist.
Mark: Yeah. Like a receptionist, but we call you the office manager, because, uh, it's less demeaning. By the way, how long are these, uh, cameras gonna be following you around? Because I think this is pretty cool. [whistles] Pretty, pretty cool. Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you like that show?
Pam: Yes.
Mark: Well, I think they indulge themselves a little too much. [inhales] I like scripted.
Pam: I spent 10 years as a receptionist, to Michael Scott. And I have kids now. And I just-- I can't.
[Dwight looks admiringly into room while Angela braids Aunt Shirley’s hair]
Shirley: Ow! The braid is too tight.
Angela: Oh, hush. Loose braids reflect a loose character. Now stay still.
Shirley: Yes, ma'am.
Angela: I think your hair is much too long for your age, by the way.
Shirley: Okay.
Angela: There.
Shirley: Thank you, Angela.
[Toby walks into kitchen. Nellie and Darryl are seated at the kitchen table]
Toby: I'm going to the prison. This afternoon. Gonna talk to the Strangler.
Nellie: Probably best to use his real name rather than Strangler.
Darryl: Don't use his real name. George Howard Skub? That's a devil name.
Toby: Well, I just wanted to say I'm doing it. I’m going.
[Toby leaves]
Nellie: He's doing it.
[Pam is seated on a lounge watching tv. Cell phone buzzes. She answers the call]
Pam: Hey.
Jim: Hey, how'd the interview go?
Pam: Oh, my gosh. Wait until you. This guy was unbelievable. Okay, so--
Jim: I can't wait to hear about it later. Do you want to come in at 8:00? Uh, don't eat because I'm ordering in.
Pam: 8:00? Really?
Jim: I'll make it worth your while, I promise.
Pam: Sure. I mean, it's Philly. I can kill four hours. So, uh, yeah. I'll see you at 8:00.
Jim: Alright. Love you.
Pam: Love you.
[woman enters the office and goes to reception]
Alice: Hi.
Erin: Hi.
Alice: I'm here from BCI Marketing Consultants to meet with Andrew Bernard.
Erin: Oh, yes, the consultant. Andy said you can start right away. So, I will take you to your desk.
Alice: Okay, great. Thanks.
[Erin walks Alice to annex]
Meredith: Mm. Fresh meat! Fresh meat! [making kissing noises]
Erin: Just keep walking. Don't give her anything. She'll take it and run. I'm Erin by the way.
Alice: Nice to meet you. Cute sweater.
Erin: Oh, thanks. Your shoes match. I'm bad at small talk.
Kevin: I'm Kevin.
Alice: Pete?
Pete: Alice. [softly] Oh, my God.
Alice: It's been a while, huh?
Erin: Oh, do you two know each other?
Pete: Yeah. We have a history.
Erin: Oh.
Alice: History. Wow. Okay. We dated for two years.
Erin: That's so random.
Pete: Well. Is it?
Erin: Andy also hired a management consultant today.
Erin: Oh, no. [runs to front office]
Creed: Hey, Erin, look who's back. The Birdman.
Gabe: Hello, beautiful.
Kevin: Didn't you two used to do it?
Gabe: We absolutely did. Thank you for remembering that.
Creed: She's looking good.
[Toby walks up to prison gates]
Toby: Hi, uh, Toby Flenderson. I'm here to see George Howard Skub.
Toby: This is the prison. Uh, I am not going in there with expectations, per se. Uh, I will meet George Howard Skub. I will tell him that I believe he is innocent. I would understand if he felt motivated to hug me. I would understand if a friendship began. How did, how did Bogart put it? [imitating Humphrey Bogart] I think this is a start of my first friendship.
Clark: So, Pete was a librarian?
Alice: He worked as a librarian freshman year.
Clark: Was he, like, the sexy librarian?
Pete: Okay.
Alice: Is there like somebody who's in charge of marketing? Maybe I should sit near him or her.
[Andy walks in]
Andy: Hi.
Alice: Hi.
Andy: Hi. How's it going?
Alice: Hi. [laughs] Good. I'd love to discuss strategy with you if you have a marketing p-
Andy: Wow, this sure is intense. Having to share a workspace with someone you used to get it on with.
Pete: Andy, that is really inappropriate.
Andy: Awkward!
Pete: It is awkward. This is a really uncomfortable situation that you've contrived.
Andy: [high pitched] Really uncomfortable situation.
Pete: Yeah.
Andy: It's alright Pete, you can handle it. I mean, we all just gotta "move on". Ain't that right professor lecture-much? Uh, question. How's that medicine taste? Your own flavored? Is it just me, or have these tables turned? Hmm. Hmm. [leaves]
Alice: So, there's no marketing department?
Clark: No.
Pete: No.
[Gabe sitting on couch talking to Erin at reception]
Gabe: You know, times were tough. I was unemployed. I was still heart-broken over you. I've lost a good fifty pounds. But as you can see, I put all that weight right back on. Feel how fat my buttocks are. Yeah. It's crazy. Touch it. It's like a warm pumpkin.
Erin: So, Andy just called you up out of the blue?
Gabe: Yeah. He told me you two broke up.
Erin: Yeah.
Gabe: You must be pretty hоrny.
Erin: [shakes head no]
[paramedics rolling stretcher into prison. Toby gets wheeled out holding neck]
Nellie: Well, the good news is, no more guilty conscience. At least you know he is the strangler. The proof is in the grip. [cut to Nellie driving Toby with neck brace on] Did they say when the vocal cords would heal? [Toby nods] One week? [Toby shakes head] Okay. Two weeks? [Toby nods] Okay. You offered your neck in search of the truth. The proud neck of justice-- isn't that the expression? Well, anyway, it was-- it was very brave. It really was quite brave.
[Shirley and Dwight seated at table while Angela prepares a meal]
Shirley: I feel like a show pony.
Dwight: And you look like one too. Thank you, Angela.
Angela: You're welcome. Would you like some stew?
Dwight: By all means. And I will carve the roast skunk. Angela?
Angela: Mm-hmm?
Dwight: Would you like the stink sack?
Angela: Is it any good?
Dwight: No. You don't eat it. It's a toy, like a wish bone. You know, prettiest girl gets the stink sack.
Angela: Thank you. [both laugh]
Shirley: So, when's the wedding?
Angela: Um… actually, we are just friends.
Shirley: That's what Mose said about his lady scarecrow, and look what he did to that poor thing.
[Pam enters Athlead office]
Pam: Hello?
Jim: Hey. Back here.
Pam: [laughs] Wow. Seriously? Oh, my gosh. Is that champagne?
Jim: Si, senor.
Pam: Oh, Jim, I should have told you I didn't get the job.
Jim: Oh, man. I'm so sorry. Are you alright?
Pam: Oh, yeah. I'm more than alright. There's just nothing to celebrate.
Jim: Are you kidding? You're in Philly. We're having dinner together. And this is just consolation champagne. It's from the part of France that immediately gave up to the Nazis. Here.
Pam: [laughs] You're very quick on your feet. I remember you. Funny.
Jim: Alright, so, tell me all about it.
Dwight: Okay, well… Gosh, thank you for your help today. Your perspective was very useful. Thank you.
Angela: It was not an unpleasant way to spend an afternoon.
[Dwight and Angela shake hands, then kiss]
Angela: Dwight, Dwight.
Dwight: Right. Not outside. The horseflies. You know what? My farm is only a few acres East of here. Or we could use the slaughterhouse.
Angela: No, Dwight, the Senator.
Dwight: Leave him. He probably won't even notice that you're gone. Be with me, Monkey.
Angela: I can't be your Monkey, Dwight.
Dwight: I'm not talking about some frisky romp in the warehouse. We have wasted too much of our lives ignoring the fact that we belong together. The 80 or 90 years that I have left in this life...I want to spend with you.
Angela: I made a vow. I gave my word.
Dwight: Stand by your man. It's what I would want if you were mine.
Angela: Good night, D.
[Erin and Pete talking in the kitchen]
Erin: How are you doing? Is it really rough?
Pete: It is so unpleasant. You?
Andy: Hey, love turds. Conference room, now.
[Andy addressing Gabe, Erin, Pete and Alice in the Conference room]
Andy: Thank you all for coming in. Just wanted to check in. How is everyone's day?
Gabe: Honestly, it was a little weird.
Andy: Really? Hmm. That's interesting, because Erin and Pete thought it wouldn't be weird at all. Why do you think it was weird, Gabe? Maybe because you and Erin used to be an item?
Gabe: I still wear Erin's button-downs around the condo sometimes, so it feels to me like we're still in a relationship…
Erin: Gabe.
Gabe: A lot of the time.
Erin: Ugh.
Andy: And, Alice, I understand you once dumped Pete. Ouch.
Pete: Dude, it was an amicable breakup, Andy.
Alice: Okay, while we're rewriting history, you never had a drinking problem.
Pete: It was college. That is what you do.
Alice: Dude, you're also supposed to go to classes, so there's that.
Erin: Hey, Andy, is this at all work-related?
Andy: We'll get to that. Gabe, did Erin ever tell you that she loves you?
Gabe: [laughs] No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. She wouldn't even let me say it. It was adorable. She would plug her ears and scream her heart out.
Erin: Gabe, can you stop talking? Cause every word out of your mouth is like the squawk of an ugly pelican.
Gabe: I got a tattoo for you.
Erin: I didn't ask you to get that Nike Swoosh. Nobody did! You did that for you!
Gabe: Just do it. You were the it that I was just doing.
Alice: So, you're dating a secretary now? Moving up in the world, Pete.
Pete: She's nice to me.
Alice: How's that P.E. degree coming? That's what he wanted to be. His dream in college was to be a gym teacher.
Erin: Well, guess what? He could still be a gym teacher. In fact, we could all still be gym teachers, so, let's--
Gabe: I technically cannot. I don't have the lung capacity to blow a whistle.
Pete: Oh, my God.
Gabe: What kind of music are you into, Peter?
Pete: Uh, I like all kinds of music, Gabe.
Gabe: Really? All kinds? So, you like songs of hate written by the white knights of the Ku Klux Klan?
Pete: No!
Gabe: Erin, are you even hearing this?
Erin: He didn't even say that.
Alice: He is not a very sophisticated man. I mean, he can't use chopsticks. So, do I need to say anything else?
Gabe: Erin, I've been to Japan. I know how to use chopsticks so well. Come back. One night.
Erin: Gabe, I don't--
Gabe: Give me one night with you.
Erin: What is that supposed to mean?
Gabe: I have shaved everything.
Erin: I don't want you to shave everything.
Alice: I wasted two years of my life on you, you realize that, right?!
Pete: I just want to be real clear that chopsticks is not the measure of a man.
[Erin and Gabe argue in background]
Gabe: I am as smooth as a porpoise.
[Erin argues]
Pete: Why don't you say in the beginning, "This isn't really going that well"
Gabe: Shovel his sashimi into his mouth!
[mumbled arguing]
Andy: Alright, yes. That is a legitimate question. Does making Erin and Pete feel bad make me feel better? [Erin & Gabe and Alice & Pete argue in background] Yeah. Yeah. It does.
[Pam and Jim eat dinner in the Athlead office]
Pam: So, imagine, like, the real estate version of Michael Scott, and that was this guy. He did half the interview as Ace Ventura.
Jim: Tell me about the cologne. How much?
Pam: Oh, uh, entire bottle. At least.
Jim: You're definitely hoarding this, by the way.
Pam: Guess what poster he had on his wall?
Jim: Austin Powers.
Pam: Mm-mm.
Jim: Ferris Bueller.
Pam: Mm-mm. You're getting colder.
Jim: Not Night at the Roxbury.
Pam: [laughs] No. The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
Jim: I'm sorry, how did you think I was expected to guess that?
Pam: I don't know, but it's interesting right?
Jim: It's fascinating.
Pam: He said he can't help but tear up when he looks at it. It's like right next to his desk. He must look at it twenty times a day.
Jim: That's amazing. Well, listen. You can't win 'em all, right?
Pam: Mm-hmm.
Jim: So, next interview has to be better.
Pam: I don't know.
Jim: What do you mean? Of course it will. You're amazing.
Pam: I know. It's just, even if it was, a great boss and a great job, I just-- I don't-- I don't know if I want-- um, I don't know if I want this.
Jim: [long pause] Huh. This is a little out of left field.
Pam: Is it? I just-- I liked our life in Scranton.
Jim: And I have started a business in Philadelphia.
[Pam shrugs]
“Little did my grandfather know, Mah Jong will be here to stay. Hobbies of the East continues in a moment.”
[Oscar gets up from desk with straps on his ankles]
Oscar: You could all be doing this. Just saying.
Oscar: I watch way too many ads online and I don't do enough sit-ups. So, I bought these. Now, every time an ad pops up online, I get 30 seconds of ab blasting. I call it Ads for Abs. Ironically, I learned about the boots from an ad online.
Stanley: Why can't you just do regular sit-ups?
Oscar: I'll tell you why. Because...the floor...is...disgusting. Yeah. My trainer said, “everybody fails working out.” That's how you win. Okay. Alright [tries to pull himself up] Okay. Kevin? A little help, buddy?
Kevin: Oh, why don't your famous stomachs help you now?
[Oscar dangles upside down from kitchen doorway]
Oscar: Can someone please help me?
Phyllis: Oh, these teas are hot. Can someone help me, please? [trying to push past Oscar]
[Erin moves Oscar out of the way for Phyllis]
Phyllis: Thanks.
Oscar: Just… People.], I'm not going anywhere. Soon, my core will get strong again, and, when that happens, I'll be able to… Head rush! Ah! Can someone please help me? I- Hey! [Kevin shuts door] I'm not going anywhere! I'll be right here! Oh, that's not good.
[Oscar’s computer reads: Coming this May: The Office: An American Workplace. Ten years in the making, a look at the lives and loves of an average American small business office.]
Oscar: Hey guys! I've got twenty bucks for anyone who will help me. Kevin, would you like a pizza?