Welcome Party
Written By: Steve Hely Directed By: Ed Helms Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Hey Jim. Stanley’s back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card? Jim: Oh, great. [reads] “Glad they didn’t mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.” Oh, that’s not good. Phyllis: Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious. Pam: It’s nice. It’s funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache. Jim: Stanley doesn’t have a moustache. Pam: Yeah, he does. Oscar: Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I’m not sure. I think he has one, now that--I think he has a moustache. Pam: Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not? Phyllis: Oh, I don’t know. Now I think he doesn’t. Pam: Phyllis! What are you talking--the whole card depends on this! Jim: Okay, the man’s worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face? Angela: ‘Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don’t stick our noses in other people’s business. Pam: Okay, which one of these looks more right? [holds up drawing of Stanley with and without a moustache] Dwight: Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left. Gabe: [bell dings] Guys, that’s the elevator. What if it’s him? Jim: Okay, quick. Who says moustache? [Pam, Oscar, Dwight, and Creed raise their hands] Dwight: Yep. Jim: Who says no moustache? [Jim, Angela, and Phyllis raise their hands; Gabe enters, hiding Stanley’s face] Gabe: [reveals Stanley’s moustache] Ah! Ha ha ha! Phyllis: He does have a moustache. Dwight: Yes! Pam: Welcome back, Stanley. [Stanley grunts] Robert: “Good morning, Robert,” says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. [no one responds] Pam! Pam: Oh! [takes out earbuds] Robert: Is this a video conference you’re having with “Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz”? Pam: Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day. Robert: People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-- Nellie: Sorry, sorry, everyone, I’m late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness. Robert: [laughing] Nellie, really, nine fifty? Nellie: Oh, here’s what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze. Robert: Ah. Nellie: Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse! Robert: [laughs] I’ve never believed willpower was very important in a woman. Nellie: Ah ha! Robert: I don’t think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason. Nellie: Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it. Robert: No, no, no, no. There’s something going on. Some stress in your life. Nellie: Well, yes, uh… there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move into my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here? Kevin & Meredith: [in unison] Yes. Nellie: Ugh! I hate that! No offense. Kevin: None taken. Oscar: Actually, Nellie, this monologue you’re delivering is very offensive. Nellie: Oh! Ay, caramba! The natives are getting restless! Stanley: Who’s a native? Nellie: Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court. [everyone groans] Oscar: What does that mean? Dwight: Okay, okay. Nellie: If you’d let me finish--or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm? Robert: Nellie? Nellie: Yes, Robert! Robert: You’re clearly under a lot of… stress with the moving and the work situation you’ve found yourself in. Nellie: Yeah. Robert: Let’s help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place. Dwight: Why Jim? Robert: The rest of you, let’s throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community. Pam: I’m sorry, we’re throwing a party for someone because they’re being horrible? Jim: I’m sorry, we’re taking work time to move someone’s personal belongings into their new apartment. Pam: I’m still not sure why this woman is even here. Jim: Why is she here? Andy: [sings] Two crazy kids on the journey of life. Erin: [sings] Going to Pennsylvania. Andy: On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents’ cabin in southern Pennsylvania. Erin: Oh. That must be nice. Andy: Mm-hmm. It’s a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy. Erin: Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents. Andy: Oh. Hmm. Andy: [sings] Time to have a little kiss! Erin: No. Andy: Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official. Erin: Yes. Andy: I believe in that. Erin: Yes. So, do I. Andy: I think that’s important. That is important. Bummer, but important. Erin: Important. Andy: Mm-hmm. Phyllis: I can’t believe he’s making us throw a party for her. Pam: I know, right? Oscar: She’s always late, she’s always rude… Phyllis: It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party. Oscar: Yeah. Phyllis: On purpose. Pam: Phyllis! Angela: [laughs] We should do it right here in the break room. [they giggle] Phyllis: Order carrot cake. [laughter] Andy: …and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you. Erin: Well, Andy, I’m upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I’ll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds. Andy: Consider it nailed. Erin: [vocalising] I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario. Andy: Okay, here we go. Jessica, I’m really sorry. I just need you to know-- Erin: [whining] What? Andy: I just need you to know-- Erin: What is it? I didn’t sleep well last night. [they laugh] Dwight: [lifting box] Ugh! Ow. Jim: Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? ‘Cause to be honest, I don’t think it’s gonna fit through the door. Dwight: Don’t listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? “Oh, I think I’ll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.” Jim: That was one time-- Dwight: I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic. Nellie: Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let’s not go there. No, nothing is more repellent than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic. Jim: [cell phone rings] Excuse me, one second. Hi. Pam: Hey, what’s up? Jim: Ah, nothing, just hauling some cube with Dwight. Dwight: [shouting] Haulin’ cube! Jim: That’s moving boxes. We just came up with the term to make it sound cooler. Pam: So, we’re planning this party for Nellie, and we’re gonna make it really bad. Jim: Sounds like every other party. Pam: No. We’re gonna make it like a prank. Like order bad food, give her this passive-aggressive card. Jim: Oh! Hire a magician. Pam: What? Jim: Trust me. Pam: [laughs] Okay. Andy: Wow. There’s a lot of cars here. This is just weird. Lauren: [knocks on car window] Andy! Hey, what are you doing here? Andy: Hey, Lauren. Look at you. Lauren: Well, I know. Look at me. Andy: I was just on my way back from this business trip, thought I’d stop and say hi to Jessica. Lauren: Aww! [clicks tongue] Andy: Why is Erin with me? That’s a great question. She is my coworker, and she needed a ride because she totalled her car. Lauren: Oh. God. Erin: So, I’m Erin. Hi. Andy: Yep. This is Erin. Lauren: Nice to meet you. [Erin gasps at another girl outside her window] Well, Jess went out for a run, but she’ll be back soon. Hey ladies, Andy’s here! Erin: Okay Andy, that is a bachelorette party, this is Jessica’s friends and they’ve been drinking during the daytime. Should we go? Andy: Yeah. Uh, you know, we had such a quick window to make this work, I think we should probably just-- Lauren: Oh, Jess! [claps] Look who stopped by after his business trip! Jessica: Andy! Hey! Dwight: I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential sized in England. I really should have a Tweeter account. Jim: Yes, you should. Dwight: [finds shoe box] Ooh. Jim: [reads] “Nellie, don’t open, stupid. Love, Nellie.” Dwight: I have to see these shoes. Jim: I doubt that they’re sh-- Dwight: Oh! Jim: Whoa. Who is this guy? Dwight: Here’s the two of them taking a hike. I’m guessing he’s some kind of friend. Jim: Boyfriend. Dwight: Here’s the two of them kissing at a beach and kissing at the Eiffel Tower. I’m guessing he’s some kind of close romantic friend. Jim: Like a boyfriend? Dwight: You read my mind. Jim: Yeah. Whoa. Here’s one with his face whited out. Dwight: Hmm. Maybe someone threw a pie in his face. New theory--he’s a hated Italian politician. Jim: Better theory. This is her ex-boyfriend, and they went through some kind of painful breakup. Nellie: [walks in] Oh. Jim: Oh, Nellie. I’m so sorry. We were just… Nellie: I see you’ve discovered Benjamin. That’s what I call my box full of photos of Henry. Dwight: Why not call… Jim: Shh! Nellie: God. We owned this flat together. Then one morning, just like that, he was gone. He ran off with the waitress at our favourite restaurant. Dwight: That’s awful. What kind of restaurant. Jim: Dwight! Nellie: I couldn’t afford the flat myself. So, I sold it at a loss. Ah, but what’s ten years of bliss down the drain compared with the thrill of starting over with nothing and no one? Jim: I’m so sorry. These must be very painful memories. Dwight: If it would help you to forget, I could hit you in the brain stem with this candlestick. Nellie: Thank you. No. Look, Jim, Dwight, please, don’t tell anyone about this. Jim: No, no. Of course. Just one quick question. Was this um, Halloween, or… Nellie: God, no. That’s the most embarrassing thing of all this. What kind of fool gets her heart broken by bloody stage magician? Jim: [in the phone] You know what, Pam? I was thinking maybe we should change course here. Let’s give up on all this mean stuff. Pam: What? No! No, I just had this brilliant idea--everyone loved it. You don’t have a copyright on pranks. I might be better at this than you. Jim: No, that’s not what I-- Nellie: Jim, could you give us a hand? Jim: Absolutely. Yeah. [whispers] Call it off, Pam. Call it off, okay? It’s way more complicated than you think. Cancel the magician. Trust me. Pam: Oh, okay. Okay, I will. [hangs up phone] Angela: Pam, we have a great idea. Oscar: Listen to this. Angela: We’re going to have the fluorescent lights flickering. It’s gonna make everyone sick. Pam: Or what if… Angela: Okay. Pam: We discuss… [Angela and Phyllis giggle] the idea of doing the party totally normal. Like, not mean. Just a regular party. [giggling stops] Not mean. Angela: I knew she’d crack! I wanted to leave you out, you know. Oscar: We’re in far too deep. We can’t change course at this point. Pam: What are you talking about? Yes, we can. Oscar: What I mean to say is we don’t want to. Phyllis: Toots, we’re not stopping this train, so get off the tracks. Lauren: [pops balloon] Suck it! [cheers, applause] Erin: Andy-- Andy: It’ll be fine. Just act natural. Do you want a gummy penis? Erin: No, uh, I’ll just have some gummy bears. Andy: These are delicious. Erin: But… they’re penises. Lauren: And we come to Matthew. The guy who was with his old girlfriend basically the whole time we were together. [party guests groan] Andy: Ew! Aww! That seems gross at first blush, right? But relationships are always more complicated than you think. I mean, we don’t know Matthew’s history with this other woman. Maybe she saved his life. [laughs] I don’t know. I just--I don’t think we should rush to judgment about Matthew. Maybe we don’t pop that one. Party guests: No, pop it. Pop it! [Lauren pops the balloon, party guests cheer] Jessica: Hey. Andy: Hey. Jessica: Sorry. It’s kind of a madhouse. Megan: [grabs Andy] Ahh! Andy: Oh! Ah, Megan. Megan: You are one of the good ones, nard dog. Andy: Aww. Megan: No, really. [to Jessica] Where’s my Andy? Jessica: I dunno. Andy: Oh, he’s out there. Megan: Aww. Are you going to sing for us? Andy: Well, you guys are doing a pretty good job with the scary yelling, so… Megan: That’s not like you. That’s not like you. Come on, sing! Sing! Andy: [singing] By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes… Pam: Okay, they’re almost here--What? Come on. If you guys are gonna be mean, could you at least be subtle? [rips down ugly photo of Nellie] Darryl: Oh, in the warehouse we use code names for people we want to talk about. Andy was Jelly Roll. Mike was Dennis the Menace. Ryan was douche bag. Ryan: Hey, that’s not a code name. That’s just an insult. Oscar: Plus, everyone would know who you meant. Ryan: Yeah! Pam: No, that’s a great idea. Let’s have a code name. How about Mondays? I hate Mondays? Mondays are the worst? Angela: Nobody’s named Monday. Ryan: Hey, how about we go with Pam? Simple, easy to remember. Pam: ‘Cause there’s someone already here named Pam. Kevin: Shh, here she comes! All: Hey! Phyllis: Welcome to your party. Creed: Everybody get comfy now. This first song’s over a half hour long. [plays off-tune notes] Creed: Best gig ever. They asked me to play only originals. I said, “Have you heard my originals? They’re terrible.” They said, “Even better.” I said, “I get it. It’s an ironic party for Nellie.” Erin: Maybe we should just go. Andy: No. I gotta do this. Hey Jessica, could I talk to you? Jessica: Uh, yeah, sure. What’s up? Andy: Uh, maybe we could talk in private? Jessica: Uh, yeah. What is it? Andy: Well, first just let me say that I hope when I’m done with the sort of ugly bits that we can stay friends. Jessica: You’re breaking up with me? Andy: Uh, no. No. You always do this. You twist my words around. Part of me thinks we should just end this right now. Jessica: Oh my God. Are you leaving me for Erin? You said she wasn’t relationship material, and she wasn’t as good as me, but it’s her, isn’t it? Andy: Whoa! That? No. Okay. You want honesty? Super-honesty time. I’m gay. Jessica: What? Andy: I am gay, and I prefer men. Kenny: I knew it! Andy: You did not, Kenny! Kenny: You invited me to go shopping with you. Andy: I like hanging out with you. You’re a cool guy. Which proves my point. That I’m gay. Jessica: Andy, you’re not gay. I mean, we were… together. And you seemed pretty excitable. Andy: Well, I was faking it. I had to fake it every time. I had to imagine that I was in a steam room with John Stamos. Jessica: I can’t say it doesn’t make sense… Andy: Well… I mean, I was good at hiding it, but-- Jessica: Look, it’s fine, Andy. I didn’t think we were gonna get married or anything. I just… I’m just upset for now. Andy: Understandable. And I’m really sorry. I really am. [hugs Jessica, grunts] So… we should probably… go. Robert: This humble but sincere effort is all for our valued new colleague. Excellent. Oscar: To Nellie Bertram, you are a most welcome and friendly presence at our company. Robert: Cheers. Nellie: Why thank you. Oscar: Pam, on the other hand, is a most unwelcome, entitled, unfriendly presence in our company. All: Cheers. Angela: Nellie is terrific, but to be honest, every day I imagine how happy I’d be if Pam died. [laughter] Jim: Oh. Well. I feel that as someone who knows Pam only a little bit… enough. A good amount. Not the most, though. I would say that she is misunderstood and that maybe there’s some stuff in her past that you guys don’t know about that’s a little messed up and probably makes her such a torture to work with. Creed: We hate Pam. We hate Pam. All: We hate Pam! We hate Pam! Magician: So, we’ve established-- Jim: No. No. Magician: That you guys hate Pam. Do you ever wish she would just… disappear? [sets off flash paper] Pam: Oh! [laughter, murmuring] Erin: That was a really rough scene. Andy: Right? Rough scene. Erin: Yeah. Andy: Oh… at least we can kiss now. Erin: Oh, yeah. [gives him a quick kiss] Andy: You know that stuff that I said about you to her… I did--That’s just--I had to say it. You know, I was dating her at the time. Erin: Yeah. Yes, of course. Ah… I feel really tired. Andy: Yeah. Erin: Probably from seeing that turkey. Andy: Oh yeah. Erin: When we drove by the farm. Oh. Always does it. Magician: Are you Nellie? Oh, I think you’re my volunteer. Come on over here, huh? Jim: Oh, I’ll do it. I will volunteer. Robert: no, Nellie, she-- Jim: I’ll do it. Magician: Oh! Big guy, huh? How’s the air up there? Watch out for… birds. [chuckles] All right, let’s, uh--let’s do some card magic. Now, what I want you to do is… I want you to pick a card just by looking at it. Do not say what it is. Jim: [picks a card] It’s the four of hearts. Robert: Oh, no, you-- Magician: Looks like we got a guy from another country here, huh? No hablo el cardo, senor? Hmm? Ha. All right, the card is picked. Now sir, will you please shuffle the deck? [Jim drops the cards] You didn’t just do that on purpose, did ya? Robert: [to Dwight] Why is Jim treating the magician poorly? Magician: Little known fact about me. Before I was a magician, I used to work at a rope factory. Jim: Not true. ‘Cause that’s not a real place. Magician: But I never could seem to figure out those knots. Pam: That’s not a real knot. When you pull on it, it disappears. Magician: [yells] What the hell? All right, where’s Phyllis? Who’s Phyllis? Look. This is really uncool, okay? I put on a clean show here-- Dwight: Okay scram, wizard. Magician: What? Dwight: You heard me! Magician: Huh! Robert: Well Nellie, I’m sorry. If I’d known Jim and Pam would use this party as an excuse to abuse a magician-- Nellie: Well, I thought it was quite fun. In fact, I think they’re brilliant employees, in their own way. Don’t you see what I see? Robert: Interesting. Yes. No, yes, I see that. Great work, team. Great party. Kevin: You think this is a great party? This cake has vegetables in it. Like a salad bar, Robert. How do I get this taste out of my mouth? Erin: What? Why are we-- Andy: I just gotta do one thing. [leaves car, knocks on door] Megan: Oh. Hello. Hey everybody, look who’s here. Jessica: What are you doing here? Andy: Hi. Super-duper honesty time. I’m not gay. In fact, I’m so not gay, I’m in love with a girl. Her name is Erin Hannon and she’s right there. She’s sweet, funny and beautiful and total relationship material. Megan: Why the hell did you come back here? Jessica: Go away. Kenny: Get lost! Woman: Get out! Andy: Okay. Lauren: You’re done! Andy: Bye guys. Lauren: Get out! You ruined my party! Who does that? Are you kidding me? [Andy and Erin run to the car] Yeah, run away! Kenny: You’re disgusting! Lauren: I can’t believe you’re not gay! [Andy and Erin kiss] Kenny: Yeah, get out of here. Various: Don’t come back. [someone throws food at the car] Erin: Uh-oh! [laughs, they drive away] Various: You don’t even know how to drive! Bye Andy! Loser! Nice car! Pam: Hey Hank. Hank: Yes ma’am. Pam: I thought I was very specific about you not letting up a magician. Hank: Yes ma’am. I got my eyes open. Jim: Well, turns out he actually made it up there. Hank: What? That ain’t right. Pam: Yeah, he came and went. Hank: Wait a minute! You said it was a magician, right? [Pam nods] Hank: You don’t think he could’ve used… it couldn’t have been… Pam: Let’s just--let’s go. Jim: Night-night.