Dunder Mifflin Infinity
(Part 2)
Written By: Michael Schur Directed By: Craig Zisk Transcribed By: Admin [Jim leans over reception, talking to Pam, T0by enters the office with a woman] Jim: Hey, man. Toby: Hey, guys. This is my, uh, girlfriend, Amy. Pam: Hi. Jim: Hey, Amy. How ya doing? Pam: Nice to meet you. Toby: [gesturing to the rest of the office] This is, uh, everybody else. Okay. This is the place, so thanks for the lift. Amy: Yeah, sure. I'll, um, I'll see you tonight, right? Toby: Absolutely. [Toby kisses Amy for an extended period of time, Pam and Jim are shocked] Amy: [giggles] Whoa. Easy, tiger. Toby: I just really like you. Amy: Okay. Bye, guys. Nice to meet you. Toby: Have a great day. Pam: Whoa, Toby. Watch out. You're going to violate your own PDA memo. Toby: I wouldn't want to do that now, would I? [Michael and the sales team stand around the table in the conference room] Michael: Smell that. Do you smell that? Dwight: Dry rot? Michael: No, Dwight. That smells like good business to me. What I have done here is I have collected all the finest gourmet items that Scranton has to offer. Andy: Mmhmm. Sweet, chocolate turtles. Michael: Yes. No, no. Those are for our clients. Actually, our ex-clients. I'll explain, later. Michael: Ryan wants everything in our company to be about emails and IMs, but I think he's forgetting about the original instant message... Letters attached to baskets of food. [Dwight walks over to Angela in accounting] Dwight: Excuse me, Angela. Michael asked me to turn in these receipts for these gift basket items. Angela: Thank you. Dwight: You're welcome. Angela: Is that all? Dwight: Yes... [whispers] I miss you. Angela: Elevators. Dwight: [runs away] [Angela and Dwight talk in the hallway] Angela: Dwight, you have to listen to me! We are not seeing each other anymore! Can you accept that? Dwight: Fine. [sighs] Then I just want to be friends. Angela: Good. Dwight: Plus a little extra. Also, I love you. Angela: [walks away] [Kelly and Ryan talk in the breakroom] Kelly: I don't understand what the big deal is. Ryan: You don't? Kelly: No! Ryan: You lied about being pregnant. Kelly: Right, so? Ryan: You really don't understand why that might make me kind of angry? Kelly: No! Ryan: We're never getting back together. Kelly: Why not? [Jim walks up to reception] Jim: Hey. Pam: Hey. Jim: Alright, I just have to ask now that we're public, um, is the magic gone? Pam: It's funny you bring that up because, yes, it is. Jim: I knew it. Oh man, just like that, huh? Pam: I think, I mean, I don't know what it is, but... Jim: Be honest. Pam: I now find you repulsive. Jim: That's honest. [sighs] Alright. Fair enough. It was really fun while it lasted, though, wasn't it? Pam: Eh... Jim: For me, it was. Pam: Okay. Jim: Alright. [walks back to his desk] [Dwight carries the gift baskets out of the office] Michael: Hey, boss, I didn't know you were coming in today. Ryan: What's, uh, going on here? Michael: I am glad that you asked. Listen up, everybody. In the last year, we have lost seven clients to the big chains. These gift baskets are our ticket back into their lives. We are going to show up at these businesses unannounced, and we are going to win them back. Ryan: With gift baskets. Michael: With peanut brittle, with macadamia nut cookies, with chocolate turtles, with raspberry jam and a little bit of fat and salt. Because you know what? That's what people like. Michael: Ever since I was a kid people have been telling me I can't do things. "You can't be on the team", "You can't move on to second grade". Well, now they're telling me that I can't win back clients using old-fashioned business methods. [shakes head] We'll see about that. And FYI, I eventually aced second grade, and I was the biggest kid in class. Michael: Okay, we're gonna split up into teams. Jim, Phyllis. Stanley, Dwight. Me, Andy. Stanley: I'm not driving with him. [points at Dwight] Andy: I'll go with you, Stanley. Stanley: Or him. Jim: Why don't we just go by ourselves? Michael: Why don't we just go as teams to demonstrate our teamsmanship? Phyllis: Michael? Michael: Yes. Phyllis: This is stupid. Michael: Well, that's-- Okay, that's not helpful Phyllis. Phyllis: How is giving people gift baskets going to get our clients back? Michael: Gift baskets are amazing, Phyllis. Gift baskets are... the essence of class and fanciness. They are the ultimate present that a person can receive. Andy: What about cash? With cash you can buy anything you want, including a gift basket. So... it's kind of the best gift ever. Jim: What about a gift basket full of cash? Andy: Yes! Cash basket! Nice work, Tuna. Michael: Fine. I'm just gonna go by myself, and I am going to win them back by myself because this is important to me. [walks toward the door] Dwight: Michael, wait. Let me go. Michael: No, this is my quest. Dwight: Please. Let me go. I need to win those clients back. [camera moves around and zooms in at Angela's face] Please. Michael: Fine. Then Godspeed. To both of us. Ryan: Good luck, Michael. Michael: We don't need luck. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: But thank you, that was really nice of you to say. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: Business to business. The old-fashioned way. No Blackberrys, no websites. I would like to see a website deliver baskets of food to people. [Ryan talks on the phone to David Wallace in the breakroom] Ryan: Yes, I understand that David. I just felt that if we were to downsize Kelly and then outsource customer service to India, which a lot of companies... Yeah, no. Yes, Kelly is Indian... I understand that's confusing. [Creed walks in and goes to the vending machine] Creed: Hey. brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things? Sometimes a guy's gotta ride the bull. Am I right? Later skater. [Michael drives, Dwight sits in the passenger seat] Dwight: Sweet ride, American-made. What happened to the Sebring? Michael: It is in the body shop. Had to have the dent taken out of the hood where I hit Meredith. Dwight: Ah, that's a pain in the ass. Michael: I know. So, who's next? Dwight: Larry Meyers. Left us six months ago for Office Depot. GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route, then route guidance will begin. Dwight: Why do you use that thing? Let's them know where you are at all times. Michael: Who? Dwight: The government, spy satellites, private detectives... ex-girlfriends. [sobs] [Ryan talks to Kevin and Andy in the kitchen, Jim sits at the table alone] Ryan: Next night, I'm out at a bar, 2 AM. I figure I'll get a sandwich, 'cause you can get a sandwich any time of the night. [claps hands] I run into Vince Vaughn. Kevin: No way! Ryan: Literally. Andy: Dude, you are so money, but you don't even know it, but you do. Ryan: Later guys. [walks away] Kevin: Yeah. Later, dude. Andy: Later, man. Kevin: Oh, Jim! How awesome is Ryan now? Jim: Yeah. He's definitely something. Kevin: What does that mean? Jim: That whole lifestyle, his whole vibe, you--you find that appealing? Andy: Ha! Tuna... [inhales deeply] Tuna, Tuna, Tuna. Kevin: Tuna, Tuna, Tuna. Andy: He has a killer job. He's rich. He smells like what I think Pierce Brosnan probably smells like. He wears really cool rich-guy clothes. Kevin: And he can get any girl that he wants. Andy: So, sorry, Tuna, but if you don't know why that's awesome.., then... you need awesome lessons. Kevin: Tuna. Check you later. [Kevin and Andy walk away] [Larry Meyers sits at a table, Michael places the gift basket on top of the table] Michael: Wow, those things are heavy! There's a lot of stuff in there. We have macadamia nut cookies, um, the honey mustard pretzels. Have you ever tried focaccia crisps? Larry Meyers: You know we closed our account with you, right? Michael: Yes, we do. Larry Meyers: We're with Office Depot now. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Yes. Yes, we know but we just have not gotten over you. Michael: Well... Dwight: And we are dedicated to providing you with the very best customer service... Michael: This is-- Dwight: The very best personal business relationship-- Michael: That's exactly, right. Dwight: We can if you ever decide to come back to us. Michael: Mm-hmm. Larry Meyers: Okay. I don't think we're coming back. Dwight: Please, come back. Michael: Okay, you know what? Just enjoy the gift basket and remember that we provide a personal touch. Dwight: Remember what we had, Larry? Larry Meyers: I mean, really it's about money. Michael: Well, just, uh, enjoy the gift basket. Larry Meyers: Okay, thanks. Michael: Alright. Larry Meyers: I mean their website is really easy to use too. That's a big deal for us. [Michael drives, Dwight sits in the passenger seat] Michael: That guy was so... How can they not know how much better we are? Dwight: I don't know. Sometimes people are just impossible and they make you miserable. Michael: That is true. Dwight: Like Angela, in accounting. Michael: Yes, she is nuts. Dwight: Ugh... No, she's wonderful... at accounting. But she drives me crazy. GPS: Make the next right turn. Michael: How do they know? How does this know where to turn? That's very impressive. [Ryan walks up to Pam at reception] Ryan: Hey, Pam. I haven't settled on our final design logo yet for Dunder Mifflin Infinity and I know you're into graphic design. Do you wanna give it a shot? Maybe try and design the logo? Pam: Uh, totally. Ryan: Cool, that would be great. Um, can you do a couple mockups and I'll take a look? Pam: Yeah. Ryan: Thank you very much. Pam: Thank you. Ryan: Cool. Pam: Okay. Ryan: [walks away] Pam: Yeah, I'm gonna do some mockups, and then turn those into thumbnails, maybe do some, uh, splash frames... [laughs] I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm excited. [Michael and Dwight are at Stone, Cooper and Grandy Lawyers office] Michael: And the last guy says, "No, hairy body". Aaron: You know, I have heard it before. Michael: Ah. Well, it's still very good. I bet I know someone who hasn't heard that joke, your daughter Emily. How's she doing? Aaron: She's great. Thanks for asking. Great memory. Michael: Ah, she's gonna be, like, eleven this winter? Wow, they grow up so fast. I have a few of my own that I want some day. Listen, I don't wanna take any more of your time. I know you're a very busy man. The reason we have stopped by is to drop you off this elaborate bag of goodies, and to ask you to reconsider. Aaron: Oh, okay. Michael: Okay, okay. So, you'll reconsider? Aaron: Okay, thanks for the goodies. Michael: Ah... Is that all you have to say? Aaron: It looks delicious. I don't know. Dwight: You don't know? Michael: Look, we want you back. Aaron: Can you offer lower prices? Michael: Well, no. Aaron: Well, then we're not coming back. Dwight: He's not coming back. It's over, Michael. Michael: No, it's not. Aaron: No, he's right. Dwight: Accept it. Why would he come back? Michael: Why would he come back? I will tell you, Dwight. He would come back because we offer a wide selection of products, and because you're definitely not getting the same sort of customer service that you get with us. Right? Dwight: That's not gonna change his mind. He's moving on. We had our chance and we killed it. [walks away] Michael: [sighs] Look... we're also coming out with a website soon. It's a state-of-the-art thing. It'll be up and running. It's gonna cut costs, and it will make ordering much, much easier. Aaron: Oh, okay. Well, when it's up, I'll check it out, and if it really cuts costs, maybe we'll come back. Michael: Great. The magic of the gift basket. Aaron: That I don't care about as much. Let me know when the site's up. Michael: Okay, good. Don't let Emily have any of the Cajun almonds. She's allergic. [Dwight and Michael leave the office] [Michael drives] GPS: Proceed straight. Dwight: Well we're O for six. Last chance is the Elmhurst Country Club. Other side of the lake, on the southeast side. Michael: I don't get it, I really don't get it. I thought this would work. I threw everything I had at that guy and nothing. Dwight: That's how it goes sometimes, you know? You lose everything and everything falls apart and eventually you die and no one remembers you. Michael: That is a very good point, Dwight. GPS: Make a right turn. Dwight: Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no, no! It means bear right. Up there. Michael: No, it said right. It said take a right. Dwight: No, no, no, no, look. It--It means go up to the right, bear right, over the bridge and hook up with 307. GPS: Make a right turn Michael: Maybe it's a shortcut, Dwight. It said go to the right. [turns right] Dwight: It can't mean that! There's a lake there! Michael: The machine knows where it is going! Dwight: This is the lake! Michael: The machine knows! Stop yelling at me! Dwight: No, it's-- Michael: Stop yelling! Dwight: There's no road here! [Michael drives into lake] Dwight: Remain calm. I have trained for this! [unfastens seat belt] Okay. Exit the window! [Dwight and Michael exit through the window] Dwight: Here we go! GPS: Make a U-turn, if possible. Dwight: Look out for leeches! [swims toward Michael] Are you okay?! Swim for it! I got you! I got you! Michael: Oh, God! [Dwight grabs onto Michael while Michael opens the back door for the camera man] Dwight: Michael! Michael! Michael: Let go--let go of me! Dwight: Michael. I got you! I got you! [Michael and Dwight reach the shore] Dwight: Come on. Come on. Come on. [Michael watches the car sink] [Michael and Dwight watch on as the car is pulled out of the lake] Michael: You sure you're okay? Dwight: Fine. Michael: Good. That is what's most important. Dwight: Did you get the rental insurance? Because that is pretty important, too, at a time like this. [Michael's car gets towed away] Michael: What a disaster. This whole thing. Dwight: I'll call a cab. [pulls out cell phone] Michael: These people just don't realize what a gift basket means. They don't get it. Dwight: Look at that, still works. Old-fashioned cell phone. Michael: Yeah... What about that last guy, Aaron? Boy, is he a jerk. [mockingly] "I don't even know if I want it. Their website is so easy". Yeah, well, you can have your technology, jackass. Look where it got us. Dwight: [speaking on the cellphone] Yes, we need a cab at Lake Scranton, at the end of East Mountain Road, in the lake. Michael: Hang up. [Dwight hangs up] Michael: You know what we're gonna do? We're walking back. We're walking back to that office and we're gonna reclaim our gift basket. Dwight: Yes. Michael: We're gonna take what's rightfully ours! We're gonna take a stand, Dwight! We're gonna take a stand! Dwight: Take a stand! [Pam shows Ryan the logo design on her notepad] Pam: So, it plays on the infinity thing without being obvious, you know? Ryan: Yeah, definitely. Pam: I'd love to do like a color version, just to bring a little color to the logo. Ryan: I like it a lot. It's clear and subtle at the same time. It's really good. You have a real talent for this stuff. Pam: Thanks. Ryan: I'd love to talk to you about it more. Pam: That'd be great. Ryan: Do you wanna go out to dinner tonight? Pam: Oh, is it... Ryan: Wear something nice. Pam: No... Ryan: What? Pam: Um... Ryan: I just-- I just wanted to have dinner. Pam: I'm, uh, I'm dating Jim. Ryan: You're kidding? [camera pans over to Jim who waves] Pam: We're together. Ryan: That's... great, I--That's awesome. Pam: Yeah. Great. Ryan: [grabs paper with mockups] So, let me, um-- Pam: Yeah. Ryan: Let me look at these. Pam: Okay. Great. Ryan: Cool. [walks away and hides his face from the camera] Pam: Great. Jim: I guess he can't get any girl he wants. [Michael and Dwight go back to the offices of Stone, Cooper and Grandy Lawyers, both are dripping wet] Aaron: Did you forget something? What happened to you guys? Michael: Give it back. The gift basket. Give it back. Aaron: Oh, what is this? Dwight: It's real simple. If you don't appreciate what we do, then give us back our basket. Aaron: Maybe you should leave. Michael: Yeah. Maybe we should... Maybe we should leave. Come on, let's leave. [starts to walk out] But before we leave, my wet friend and I are going to wait for our cabs on yours nice couches! [sits on couch] Dwight: Can you call us a cab, please? I'm gonna... [gets water from his clothes on the couch] Oops, sorry! Michael: Look, my clothes are so wet! Dwight: Nice leather. Oh, my shoes are so muddy! [rubs shoes on couch] Aaron: [leaves and comes back with gift basket] Alright, here you go. Take it back. Michael: It's been opened. Aaron: Yeah, it was mine! Michael: What's missing... the turtles. Where are the turtles? Dwight: Summer Sausage. Michael: Where are the turtles? Ex-client: Come on, guys, get out of here. Michael: Where are the turtles?! Where are they!? Dwight: [runs into a nearby room] Excuse me, I have an announcement to make. We seem to be missing a box of chocolate turtles with pecans, and we will not be leaving the premises until we obtain them. Hand. Over. The. Turtles. Now! Ex-client: [grabs Dwight by the arm and pulls him back into the room] I ate them, okay? I ate the turtles. They're gone! [Michael and Dwight start walking away] Dwight: We'll bill you. [Michael and Dwight enter the office, Dwight carries a gift basket] Michael: May I have your attention, please? This office will not be using any new technology ever. Starting now. Ryan: That is not correct. Michael: Ryan thinks that technology is the answer. Well, guess what? I just drove my car into a lake. Oscar: You did what? Michael: I drove my car into a [bleep] lake. Why, you may ask, did I do this? Well, because of a machine. A machine told me to drive into a lake. And I did it. I did it because I trusted Ryan's precious technology, and look where it got me. Jim: Into a lake. Michael: Exactly. Phyllis: Did you get any clients back? Michael: Maybe. Maybe not. Time will tell. But I will tell you one thing. Those gift baskets never endangered anybody's lives. [looks at Ryan] Game, set, match... Point. Scott. Game over. End of game. [walks into his office] Dwight: [follows Michael into his office] Michael: Everyone always wants new things. Everybody likes new inventions, new technology. People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy. [Ryan sits on Jim's desk] Ryan: You should come visit. The city is... amazing. Jim: I know. I love it there. Ryan: No, you don't know until you live there. There's something about waking up every morning and just... being in that city. Jim: Mm-hmm. Yeah, last time I was there I had a lot of fun. Ryan: No. You can't imagine it, though. The energy when you're actually there. You're just part of something bigger than you, that's moving faster than you. Your dreams are... . it just... everything feels so limitless. Jim: Sounds great. Ryan: No. It--You can't-- it's not about how it sounds. Jim: Yeah.