Fun Run (Part 2)
Written By: Greg Daniels Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin [Pam answers the phone at reception, Michael stands nearby] Pam: Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Meredith Palmer memorial, celebrity rabies awareness, fun run race for the cure, this is Pam. Michael: [whispers] Pro-Am. Pam: Pro-Am race for the… They hung up. Michael: A woman shouldn’t have to be hit by a car, to learn that she may have rabies. But that is where we are in America. And that does not sit right with me. And that is why I’m hosting a fun run race for the cure for rabies-- To raise awareness of the fact that there is a cure for rabies. A disease that has largely been eradicated in the US. But not very many people know that. [Stanley talks on the phone at his desk] Stanley: No, rabies. Babies would be a good idea. Can I put you down for a dime? [hangs up phone] Michael: Hi, Stankley, how many sponsors so far? Stanley: Zero. Michael: Come on, man. Gotta step it up. It’s for a good cause. Jan called this morning and pledged five hundred dollars. Andy: Hey, isn’t that your money? Michael: That… is for a good cause. Phyllis, how’s the rabies quilt coming? Phyllis: Oh, it’s coming. Michael: Oh, look at that! Three. Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis. Kevin: Michael? Michael: Yes. Kevin: You cannot make me run. Michael: Okay. [walks away] Kevin: It is not a real charity. It’s stupid, Michael, and I’m not gonna do it. Michael: Alright, alright. Kevin: You didn’t run for me-- Michael: Shhh… Kevin: When I thought I had skin cancer. Michael: I know that you’re probably scared of people seeing your fat legs in shorts. Kevin: No. Michael: [looks to camera] Okay. Well, back in olden times, a large fat person, like this, was a person of power. A person who had money, could buy food. A person of respect. Like the Regional Manager of the day. Whereas, someone athletic and trim, like myself, was someone who worked in the fields, and I was a peasant. Kevin: I just don’t wanna run. I didn’t bring my sneakers or my clothes. Michael: Well, you’re going to have to run, or you’re gonna be in a lot of trouble. It is not olden times anymore. [Andy stands in front of the bathroom mirror, shirtless] Andy: I’m petrified of nipple chafing. Once it starts, it is a vicious circle. If you have sensitive nipples, they chafe. So, they become more sensitive. So, they chafe more. So.. [chuckles] I take precautions. [tapes a cotton ball to each nipple] [Andy walks out of the bathroom, the cotton balls taped to his nipples protrude, Angela is in the kitchen making a tea] Andy: Hey, Angela. Hey, um… I’m sorry about your cat. [Angela starts to cry] Angela: This is Sprinkles. [holds up a picture] She was my best friend. I kept her going through countless ailments. I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once, and she is now deceased. This is Halloween last year, [picture of Angela holding Sprinkles] just a couple of kittens [starts to cry] out on the town. [Angela talks to Pam over the divider, Pam walks over] Angela: Psst! I’m having relationship problems. And since you’re always having relationship problems, I thought you’d be able to give me some advice. Pam: What’s wrong? Angela: I have this crazy thought, that I know is crazy. That maybe Dwight killed my cat. Pam: Hmm… Angela: When I got home, Sprinkles’ body was in the freezer where Dwight said he left her. But all my bags of frozen french fries had been clawed to shreds! Pam: Ah. Angela: Something’s not right. The vet’s doing an autopsy. Pam: Angela, I’m sorry. Angela: Did Roy ever kill one of your cats? Pam: I’m more of a dog person. Angela: [sighs] [Jim and Pam sit at a table in the breakroom] Jim: So, what’s your strategy for this race? Pam: Well I’m gonna start fast. Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: Then I’m gonna run fast in the middle. Jim: What? Pam: Then I’m gonna end fast. Jim: Why won’t more people do that? [laughs] Pam: 'Cause they’re just stupid. Jim: [looks at camera] What? [Pam and Jim watch video of their kiss on the tv] Jim: Oh, um, no, that’s not-- I mean, that wasn’t, umm… Pam: Yeah, that was, um… Jim: I mean, I can see how it would seem a bit like we, uh… how it looks like, um… But, I mean, nowadays you can edit anything, right? I mean, you can edit anything to look like, um, anything. Pam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home. Because… Jim: Right. Pam: We’re dating. Jim: Wow! There it is. Pam: Uh, yeah. We haven’t told anybody. But it’s going really great. [looks at Jim] Right? Jim: It is going really great. [Dwight stands at the printer, Angela walks past and elbows him] Dwight: Oww! Angela: Shut up. Dwight: You’re taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger. Angela: Oh, really? Dwight: [sighs] You’ll feel better after the 5k. Exercise is good for depression. Angela: [pushes her chair into Dwight’s legs] I’m not depressed. I’m in grief. [Michael, Pam, Jim and Dwight sit in the conference room] Michael: We have raised, almost seven hundred dollars, most of it from me and Jan. Um… when do they put that on the giant check? Or is that something that we write in later? Pam: Well, a giant check costs about two hundred dollars to make up. I have a print shop standing by, but-- What do you think Michael, that’s over twenty-five percent of our funds? Michael: Mmm. It’s... a tough decision. Um… I always imagined it with a giant check. So… Jim: Yeah, I mean, I personally am definitely on board for the giant check. Pam: Giant check, it is. Jim: Yeah. Michael: Yep. Dwight: Well, I don’t know. On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control. Jim: Bat birth control. Dwight: Wait, this money is going to bat birth control, right, Michael? That’s what you told me when I contributed. Michael: You didn’t contribute very much. I was also hoping to hand the giant check to a rabies doctor. And how’s that been going? Pam: Not well. A doctor won’t come out to collect a check for seven hundred dollars, or five hundred dollars, if we go with the giant check. Jim: Which we are. Pam: And also... there is no such thing as a rabies doctor. Michael: What about a rabies nurse? Pam: I don’t think so. Jim: You know what, though? I’ve actually seen ads for nurses that you can hire by the hour. For, uh, parties and bachelor events. Michael: That’s possible. Look into that. Jim: Great. It’s gonna cost a couple a hundred buck. And, uh--oh, actually, more... with tips. Dwight: Maybe we should just skip the ceremony and just set up a college fund for Meredith’s son. Michael: Have you met that kid? Not going to college. [Pam gets up from reception and walks to Michael's office] Pam: Michael. 5k means five kilometers, not five thousand miles. [knocks at door] Michael: Come in. Pam: Hey. Michael: Hey, hey, hey Pam: Oh, my God! [Michael is getting changed and has no pants on] Michael: What are you doing?! What are you doing?! Pam: You said, "come in!" Michael: No, I didn’t. Just-- Pam: Oh, my God. [leaves Michael's office and closes door] Michael: Please, get out. [Pam talks to Jim in the breakroom] Pam: So, I closed the door, but the image of his-- Jim: Baguette. Pam: Dangling participle… Jim: Eww. Pam: Still burned in my eyes. Jim: I can imagine. [Michael knocks slowly on door] Pam: Come in. Michael: May I enter the room? Pam: Yes. Or "come in." Michael: See how I did that? That’s the way you should enter a room. You knock and then you wait for the all clear. Jim: You couldn’t have taken off all your clothes in the men’s room? Michael: Yes. But I have an office, so, why would I do that? Pam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark. Michael: European offices are naked all the time. [both Jim and Pam shake their heads] Pam: They’re so not. Michael: Besides, my shirttail covered most of it, so-- Pam: I didn’t see where it started but I saw where it ended. Jim: [sighs] Gross. Michael: That’s not gross! It is the human body. What is your problem? Pam, you’re an artist, right? Think of me as one of your models. Okay, you know what? I don’t want this to detract from what we really need to be thinking about today. It’s not fair to people with rabies. And that’s the point. Right? Okay. Let’s go have some fun. Jim: Alright. Pam: They say if you’re nervous around someone, you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on… or a funny coat. Jim: [naked from chest up] Oh, I’m sorry, is this a working office? And not a French beach? [Jan sits at a table and completes the fun run registrations] Jan: Okay, name, please? Creed: Creed Bratton, seventy-five plus division. Jan: You’re over seventy-five years old? Creed: Eighty-two, November first. How much is the prize money? Jan: There’s no prize money. Creed: Well, is any of this real? [points to Toby stretching in the parking lot] Michael: Check that out. [mocking] Look at me, I’m Toby! I’m stretching. I know what I’m doing. Why is he even here? [Jan helps Pam but her runner's ID on her t-shirt] Jan: So, I heard that you were peeping on Michael. Pam: What? No, it was not-- Jan: Look, I don’t know what your deal is, but he’s mine, okay? So, hands off. [walks away] Michael: Okay, everybody, listen up! Thank you for coming. Before we get started, I wanted to say a few words about this deadly disease called rabies. And I’d like you to take a look into the face of rabies. [turns around a picture of Meredith in the hospital] That should scare you. It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves. Myth: three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: four Americans every year die from rabies. How many of you know someone who has been afflicted or affected by rabies? Show of hands. One, two, three-- too many to count. It is truly the silent killer. No, it is the foaming, barking killer. And it is something that-- Darryl! What are you doing. Darryl: [feeding a squirrel] I'm-- I’m giving him a peanut. Michael: No, don’t give him-- just, did you hear anything I said? Darryl: Look how happy he is. Michael: He’s happy because he’s insane. You know what? That’s the perfect example of the kind of awareness we need to generate. Where’s the nurse? [Elizabeth (the stripper) walks up in nurse’s outfit] This is the reason we’re here. Elizabeth: Hello, Michael. Michael: Oh, hey, I know you. Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Yeah. Michael: Right? Wow. Very cool you went back and got your degree. I would like you to accept this check, for three hundred and forty dollars, made out to science. Make sure that, that gets into the right hands. Elizabeth: Great. [everyone claps] [Dwight and Michael stand behind the parking lot] Michael: You got it? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Michael: Okay. Fettuccine alfredo. Time to carbo-load. [Michael makes an announcement in the parking lot, Dwight stands beside him holding a handgun] Michael: Just remember, folks, it’s not about winning, it is about finishing. Dwight: On your marks! Get set… Michael: [pulls Toby’s pants down] Beow! Toby: Hey! [extremely loud gunshot] [everyone begins running] [Michael passes everyone] Michael: On your left! Oscar: You’re doing great Michael, look at you go! Creed: That’s my boss! Yeah, baby! Michael: I am fast! I’m very fast! I’m like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar get into a cab] Stanley: Oh, yes, I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause. Andy: I’ve walked two marathons. Pretty sure I can handle a 5k. Key is drafting, eliminate wind resistance. [Andy runs right behind Kevin] [Pam and Jim slowly walk out of the parking lot] Pam: Yeah. [laughs] Oh, we’re in last place. Jim: Oh, would you look at that? Pam: Darn it. [Jan stands at the water table] Jan: Water? Water? [Toby gabs water, drinks, then throws back at Jan] Michael: Water, babe? Michael: No, no water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water. Solidarity! Jan: Michael, that’s irrational! [Michael runs] Michael: Rabies victims… have to live with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives. So… least I could do. [Andy runs and grabs at his shirt] Andy: Oh, God! My nipples. It’s starting. [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar sit at a table with beers] Creed: Can we get another round? Waitress: Okay. Creed: Thanks. Stanley: So, we’ve got what? Another 20 minutes? Oscar: More or less. Stanley: Mmm… [Dwight runs up beside Michael] Michael: That fettuccine... is sitting in my stomach like a rock. Dwight: You’ve got nothing to worry about. I put Imodium in Toby’s coffee before the race. Michael: [laughs] Excellent! Simpsons. Wait, Imodium or Ex-lax? [Dwight looks at the camer] [Toby runs] Toby: I’m makin’ great time. Usually I have to take a bathroom break half way through a race like this. But... not today. [Jim and Pam walk holding hands] Jim: Ooh! An estate sale. Wanna go in? Pam: I don’t know, I’m really committed to winning. Jim: Okay, but what if I told you all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that’s already been cured. Pam: Mmm, yes. Jim: That’s what I thought. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Right? Let’s do some good. [Ryan is at his desk on the phone] [Pam’s voice] ["You have reached the offices of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. Currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott, DM FM PMC Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race… [Michael’s voice] For The Cure… [Pam’s voice] Leave a message” [Ryan hangs up] [Michael runs] Michael: [burps] Oh, God. Oh, alfredo sauce. I’m getting a stitch. [groans] [Andy runs into the back of Kevin] Andy: Ah, God. Watch the nipples, Kevin! Kevin: Back off me. [Dwight runs beside Angela] Dwight: How ya feeling? Better? Angela: No. Dwight: Well, you look cute as a button. You’ve worked up quite a sweat. Angela: The vet is removing all of Sprinkles organs right now and sending them to the lab. Dwight: I am a farmer, Angela. Angela: What does that mean? Dwight: Okay, when a farmer sees an animal that is in pain, that has no quality of life, that has no utility, a farmer does what city folk don’t have the stomach to do. Angela: You did kill her! Dwight: I--I sang her, her favorite songs. Angela: You put her in my freezer! Dwight: It was beautiful and gentle and respectful. I fed her antihistamines and she gradually fell asleep. Angela: Well, then she barfed them up in the freezer and tried to get out. Dwight: Well, I’m not responsible for that! Angela: You! [hits Dwight] Dwight: Hey! Ow! [looks around to onlookers] It’s Okay. Angela: It’s Okay. It’s nothing Dwight: I’m robbing her. Dwight and Angela: [at the same time] It’s nothing. Dwight: It’s fine! What? Angela: How could you do that without telling me? Dwight: I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug. I took care of that cat, the best way I knew how. Angela: Cat Heaven is a beautiful place. But you don’t get there if you’re euthanized. Dwight: I know a great taxidermist. I’ll pay to have her stuffed. Well, he’s not great, but he’s pretty good. Angela: You don’t understand. Michael: [runs by] Take bat bites seriously. Don’t get bit. Dwight: Or we can have her buried out at the east field, by mother. Huh, Angela? Angela: Don’t touch me Dwight! [runs off crying] [Pam and Jim come out of the estate sale, Pam holds a lamp] Pam: You like it? It’s kinda designy and cool. It was eight dollars. [passes it to Jim] Jim: Oh, and I get to carry it. [Toby sprints through the finish line, Kelly sits at a table on her phone] Toby: And the winner is Toby Flenderson! Kelly: Have a seat. I’ll write it down. Toby: Where are we? Kelly: I dunno. Like, five kilometers from the office. Toby: He couldn’t have made it a circle? [Michael is bent over, hands on knees, as everyone else runs by] Michael: I am not going to finish. I can’t beat rabies. Nobody can beat rabies. Rabies has been around for a thousand years. I was a fool to think that I could beat it. [groans] [Creed, Stanley, and Oscar pass by in the cab and get out at the finish line] [Jim and Pam walk by Michael, who now lays on the grass] Pam: Yeah probably-- Hey, Michael? Jim: What are you doing here? Did you come back for us, or-- Michael: I can’t finish. I feel so weak. I just-- Jim: Well, you’re probably dehydrated. Michael: What do you want me to do Jim? Jim: A glass of water would be a start. Michael: No, there are people... all over the world with all sorts of problems and afflictions, and diseases. They’re deformed, and they’re abnormal. And… they’re illiterate and ugly. Symphonies don’t have any money. Public TV is bust. I can’t do anything about it. I can’t, you know-- There’s just one of me, and there’s a thousand of them. And rabies wins. Jim: Wow! You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day. Pam: I’m still having a nice day. Jim: You are? Pam: Yeah. Hey, Michael, look at this lamp. Eight dollars. Michael: That’s a good deal. Pam: And Michael, you don’t have rabies. And chances are you’re not gonna get it anytime soon. So… you don’t really have to think about it too much. Michael: Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done. Pam: Yeah, but there’s other, better people out there who are helping. Michael: You just don’t think I am capable, of making a difference. Pam: I know you, Michael. I saw you naked. Michael: You don’t--you don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis. I can make a difference. Remember, I’m the one who started this whole thing off by hitting Meredith with my car. And I owe it to her, to finish this GD 5k [gets up groaning, Jim tries to help] No, no! Michael: Finishing that 5k, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water, than I have in my entire life. People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit. Well, today I had a triumph of the human body. That’s why everybody was applauding for me at the end. My guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out, I never puked my heart out. And I’m very, very proud of that. [Michael lays in a hospital bed with a lollipop in his mouth, Meredith comes into his room in a wheelshair] Meredith: Hey, Michael. Michael: Hey, Mer. How ya doing? Meredith: Better. Michael: It’s ironic, isn’t it? I mean, I’m in the hospital for not getting enough water, and you’re in it for a disease that causes the fear of water. Meredith: I’m in because you hit me with your car. But I want to say... I heard you were trying really hard. So... I’m not mad at you anymore. Michael: Thanks. I’m not mad at you anymore. [sighs, takes lollipop out of his mouth] Wanna share? Meredith: Sure. Michael: I’m not really sick. [Meredith takes a lick and hands back to Michael] Michael: I’m good.