Money (Part 2)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Paul Lieberstein Transcribed By: Admin Andy: So... Pam: What’s up? Andy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela’s smoking hot body. Pam: You’re being gross. Andy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her, I know she told you that she’s looking, and she’s totally not responding to my moves. Pam: What moves? Andy: I have moon-walked past accounting like ten times. Pam: I can’t believe that’s not working. Andy: Yeah. Pam: Um, I don’t know if I really see you two together. Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain. Pam: She’s very religious. Andy: Okay, well I come from a line Wasps so long it leads back to Moses. Pam: Okay, well she takes her convictions pretty seriously, she can be kind of severe. Andy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall. Pam: That’s right, you did. Andy: Yeah. Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn’t do that to Dwight… or Angela… or Andy. Michael: Hey Kevin, you’re a gambler right? A rounder, you play the ponies, small horses. Kevin: I do gamble Michael. Michael: Yeah, I was thinking about doing some gambling myself. You know, just a little bit of money. Maybe doubling it, and them doubling it seven more times. I don’t know, kind of just for fun. I was thinking, do you have tips, or ideas about sure things. Like a boxer who is going to throw the big fight, you know, like, like he’s tied into some crooked dealings, maybe his kid is sick or something. Like, who do I call about that? Kevin: The mob. Michael: Do you know anybody in the mob? Kevin: [shakes head no] Michael: Okay, um, Oscar, I’m going to need to take another advance on my salary. Kelly: What do you mean you have plans tonight? Darryl: I have my daughter tonight; we’re renting Charlotte’s Web. Kelly: Well, you have to make a choice, it’s either your daughter, or me. Darryl: My daughter. Kelly: Okay, I see how it is. [pushes a stack of files onto the floor] Oops. Darryl: That was cold. Kelly: [makes a W then an L with her fingers, and then runs a finger across her throat] Phyllis: He’s always been terrible with money. Stanley: I bet it’s Jan spending him straight to the poor house. Kevin: Yeah, women be shoppin’. Meredith: I can’t believe he has a second job. Oscar: He’s not even good at his first one. Michael: Hey guys. Kevin: Shh. Michael: What’cha talking about? [camera pans to each face in the break room] Okay, I know what’s going on. You’re talking about Jim and Pam, if they’re having sex, what it looks like, I know, I think— Pam: Michael. Michael: Hey, hey, hey. Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems? Michael: Monkey problem? No, I’m not having monkey problems. Why would I have monkey problems? Oscar: You heard me correctly. Michael: Oh, I hate monkeys. Pam: What’s going on, why do you have a second job? Michael: I don’t have a second job. Maybe I’m having an affair with Suzanne Summers. Pam: Doesn’t Jan have money? Michael: I don’t talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude, and unsexual. Kevin: True, it’s best to hide our money problems from women. Michael: I totally agree with you. But I don’t have money problems, I don’t. Alright, you know what? Watch this, if I had money problems, would I do this? [Michael holds up a bill, crumples it up, puts it back in his pocket] Oscar and Stanley: You just put it back in your pocket. Michael: Yeah, but I destroyed it, it’s not even useable anymore. Darryl: Hey, let’s call this what it is. Darryl: It’s like she only wants to hook up when Ryan comes around. It’s gotten to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door. Kelly: Well, I just need to know where this is going. Darryl: Hey, I like you. Oh yeah, what’s not to like? But you need to access your uncrazy side, otherwise maybe this thing’s run its course. Kelly: Don’t you dare walk away from me Darryl Philben, you are the most selfish person I’ve ever met in my entire— Darryl: Slow down, think it over. Kelly: Darryl Philben is the most complicated man that I’ve ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of game is that? Creed: Hey cuz, heard you’re having money problems. Michael: No you didn’t. Creed: Listen, I’ve got the answer. You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away. Creed: Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider. Michael: How would that help Creed? In Monopoly when you go bankrupt, you lose. Creed: You don’t go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up “get out of jail free” cards, those things cost thousands. Michael: That is a good point. Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature’s do-over. It’s a fresh start, it’s a clean slate. Michael: Like the witness protection program. Creed: Exactly. Oscar: Not at all. Michael: I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program. Fresh start, no debts, no baggage. I’ve already got my name picked out, Lord Rupert Everton. I’m a shipping merchant who raises fancy dogs. That’s the life. Michael: I… DECLARE… BANKRUPTCY! Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know that you can’t just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen. Michael: I didn’t say it, I declared it. Oscar: Still, that’s not anything. Oscar: This is a lot of credit card debt. Michael: Yeah, tell me about it. Oscar: Mmm. Michael: You know, Jan has my credit cards, and she’s using them as if I’m made of money, she thinks I’m a human ATM machine. Oscar: Okay, a hundred and twenty-five dollars, Amazon. Michael: Oh, that’s the Muppet Show, on DVD, classic. Oscar: Twelve hundred dollars. What’s a Core Blaster Extreme? Michael: That is by far the best way to strengthen your core. This machine, you sit on a stabiliser ball, you put your feet into the power stir-ups, you reach up and you grab onto the super rod, and you twist, and you twist, and you twist. It strengthens your entire core. Your back core, your arm core, the Marine Core actually uses it. I think that’s how they got a core. Andy: I left a little present for Angela. I think she’s going to like it, because I found it outside of Vance Refrigeration all alone, and I told her in the note that the cat came to find her, that they were destined to be together. I got game. Oscar: Okay, the green bar is what you spend every month on stuff you need, like a car and a house. Michael: Mm-hm. That is so cool how you have my name at the top. Oscar: The red bar is what you spend on non-essentials, like magazines, entertainment, things like that. Michael: Right. Oscar: This scary black bar is what you spend on things that no one ever, ever needs, like multiple magic sets, professional bass fishing equipment. Michael: How do they do this so fast? Is this power-point? Pam: Man, Angela really had a hold on him. [Dwight playing the recorder in the background] Angela. Oscar: Michael, I’m going to set you and Jan up with a debt consolidator, you meet with this guy. Michael: No, no, we are going to leave Jan out of this. Oscar: She has to know. Michael: We will find another way, we’ll ask power-point. Oscar: Michael, this is a presentation tool. Michael: You’re a presentation tool if you think I’m gonna tell Jan about this. Oscar: I’m done! Michael: No you’re not! Ok, just… you’re not a tool. Look, we’ll tell her that it’s bad, but it could’ve been a lot worse but due to some fancy financial foot work I was able to cut it in half. Oscar: Jan is smart. Michael: She poses. Jim: Dwight, how’s the hotel business? Dwight: Stupid. Jim: Have you checked Trip Advisor recently? Dwight: No. Jim: Maybe you should. Dwight: Maybe you should. Whatever. Pam: We wrote a good review. Under comments, we wrote, the natural aroma of the beets drifts into the bedroom and makes you dream of simpler times. Jim: The dawn goose walk will tug at your heartstrings. Pam: Table making never seemed so possible. Jim: You will never want to leave your room. Pam: The architecture reminds one of a quaint Tuscan beet farm. Dwight: I’m glad you enjoyed your stay. Pam: We really did. It was fun. Oscar: So due to Michael’s clever financial maneuvering, he finds himself tremendously in debt. Jan: [on phone] You’re broke? Michael: Um, that’s, how did you get that from what Oscar’s saying? Jan: [on phone] Michael, how did this happen? Where did all your money go? I don’t, I don’t get this. I really don’t. I don’t know how you could be so irresponsible. I mean, this is, it is astounding to me, really. I don’t know what more to say. Oscar: Jan. Jan: [on phone] Yeah, what? Oscar: Michael left. Jan: [on phone] Okay, where did he go? Oscar: I don’t know. Jan: [on phone] Well, is he coming right back? Oscar: I don’t think so. Jan: [on phone] I’ll be right there. Michael: What am I doing? I am blowing dodge. I’m getting out of town. Whatever you call it, I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. Angela: [to Andy] You may ask me out to dinner. Nothing fancy or foreign, no bars, no patios, no vegetables, and no seafood. Pam: Dwight. Dwight: Uhh-mmm [moaning] Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left Scranton? Dwight: [incoherent mumbling] No you didn’t. Jim: Yeah, I didn’t think I had. Well, it was all about Pam. Dwight: Mmm-uh-mm [incoherent mumbling] Jim: Yeah, I mean she was with Roy, and, uh, I just couldn’t take it. I mean, I lost it Dwight. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Even weird stuff, like food had no taste. So my solution was to move away. It was awful. It was something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, and that includes you. Dwight: [sobbing, reaches out to Jim after he walked away] Pam: Hey, I was thinking about dinner— [Jim grabs her face and kisses her] Jim: Ah, dinner. Let’s see, maybe we should try the new Italian place, where the drive-in used to be. Pam: Okay. Jim: Yeah? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Okay. Pam: Jim’s just really passionate about Italian food. Jim: Yep, I’m very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I’m in love with Italian food. Oscar: Jan, he went running that way. Jan: Alright. [throws her keys at Oscar] Michael: [singing] Runaway train, never come back. Runaway and I’m never coming back. Jan: Michael. Michael: Hey Jan. Jan: What’s going on? Michael: Not much, what’s up with you? Jan: Well, why are you sitting on a train? Where are you going? Michael: I’m out of answers Jan. Jan: What does that mean? Michael: I told you, no more answers. This is who I am now. A guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you. Jan: Michael, come on. Running away from your problems won’t solve anything. You know that. Michael: I don’t know that. Jan: Your creditors can follow you anywhere with ease. Your debt follows you around the world, electronically. Michael: I’ll stay off the grid. Jan: Uh, Michael, come on, come on, you can deal with this. It’s not that bad. Michael: Yeah it is, it is. I really messed up. Jan: Well, when my life fell apart and they, and they screwed me in New York, and I felt like my whole world was collapsing around me, I didn’t have anyone. I mean, my whole family still won’t even talk to me, on the advice of counsel, and my friends were just waiting for this to happen. Michael: That’s really nice of you to say. Jan: Michael, no, what I want to say is you were there for me. By my side. Without even a thought. That’s just who you are. I mean, no matter how badly I treat you, or what I’m going through, you just, you are there for me. And that is a guy worth staying beside. So, where’s this train taking us? Michael: I think the engineer left. Dwight: [takes a ruler and shoves it between his desk and Jim’s, knocking Jim’s files on the floor] Hello, this is Dwight Schrute calling from Dunder-Mifflin, and according to our records you appear to be low on office supplies. Okay, sure, yeah I can take care of that right now. Michael: Don’t sell your implants please. Jan: I’m keeping them. I know you like them. They’re kind of uncomfortable though. Michael: That’s nice though. Jan: It’s kind of painful and my nipples are over-sensitive now. Michael: It looks cute though.