Goodbye, Toby (Part 2)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Toby: [Michael hands him a present] Wow, thanks, Michael, I… Michael: Can I just say that, of all the idiots, in all the idiot villages, in all the idiot worlds, you stand alone, my friend. Holly: [enters conference room] Hello. Michael: Hey! Hi, good to see you. Holly: You too. Michael: I’m just having a little exit interview. Holly: Yeah, I know, that’s why I’m here. Michael: Um, no, no, no. This is very boring stuff. Why don’t you take a tour? Have you seen the baler? Holly: No, no, I’ll look at it later. It’s part of my job. Michael: Okay. Pam: [enters conference room] Did you need me to take notes? Toby: Hi Pam. Stay. Pam: Okay. Michael: Um… Alright, well then, I will proceed. [takes out note cards] I just have some questions that I was gonna ask. Um… Who do you think you are? Toby: I’m Toby. Michael: Yeah. Correct. Um… What gives-what-what gives you the right? Holly: Um, I-I brought the binder. Do you wanna take a little look? Michael: Sure. You know what? That sounds good. I’ll take a little look-see. Holly: Here you go. Michael: Thank you. [reads] What would you improve about Dunder Mifflin? Toby: This place, um… Michael: Well, no no no no no… Toby: I’ve got some ideas, I guess… Michael: No no no no no. I’m not asking it. I’m just reading it out loud. Holly: Oh, I’d like to hear the answer. Toby: Well let me see… I would, uh… Michael: [hides his face from Holly; whispers to Toby] I’ll kill you. Toby: I guess everything’s okay. Toby: I made it this far, right? What’s the point? Pam: Toby, why don’t you open your present? Michael: Oh, no no no, no, no. No, this-hey, hey, hey, hey, this might not be what I think… that I don’t even know is in there, because there are a lot of presents in my car, and I don’t know which is which… Toby: [unwraps present; present is a rock with a Post-It note rubber-banded to it; reads] “Suck on this.” Michael: What the hell is that? Pam: Michael… Michael: That’s… What do you mean, “Michael”? That’s not even my handwriting. [exits conference room] Hey! What the hell is going on here?! Who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going-away gift?! Dwight: You did. Michael: No! Dwight: You made me wrap it. I thought it was over the line. I just- [Michael slams conference room door in his face] Michael: Okay, you know what that is? You know what that is? That is… a psyche. Psyche. So, that is not my real gift to Toby. Pam: So what is your gift? Michael: My gift is forthcoming, Pam. Pam: What is it? Michael: I am going to give Toby… Pam: Your watch? Michael: Yes, I am. That was it. How did you know that? Pam: I just knew. Michael: How did you know? Holly: Oh that is so sweet. Michael: Well… That’s my watch. Toby: Thanks, I’m gonna set it to Costa Rica time. Michael: Hey, that’s good. Creed: [from outside the conference room] Hey, it’s the kid! Look, look, look, look, look! [Michael, Toby, Holly, and Pam exit the conference room] Hey! It’s the temp! Look! [everyone is crowded around Jim’s computer] Dwight: Oh my gosh. Creed: It’s the temp! [all are watching a YouTube video of Ryan being escorted out of Dunder Mifflin corporate offices by policemen] Pam: Is that the police? Dwight: Yes. Creed: Mm-hmm. Oscar: Well this is what happened: uh, Ryan’s big project was the website… which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice: once as office sales, once as website sales. Which is what we refer to in the business as “misleading the shareholders.” Another good term is “fraud.” The real crime, I think, was the beard. Michael: [still watching video of Ryan] Oh my God. Ryan… Oh my God. Kelly: I cannot wait to visit Ryan in prison. I’m gonna wear my hottest track suit, and get my hair done, and then be like, “Hi Ryan.” And then all the other prisoners are gonna be like, “Damn! Ryan, you got a hot ex-girlfriend. Ooh, I would never have treated her so bad when I was outside of prison.” Jim: Would you do me a favor and connect me to Ryan? Pam: Absolutely. [dials and hands Jim receiver] Jim: [clears throat] Right to voicemail. [into phone] Hey, Ryan, it’s Jim. You know what? Totally disregard that last voicemail, because you obviously have your hands tied. Good luck! [hangs up] Holly: What’s protocol on this? Toby: I normally do nothing, I guess. No, you shouldn’t- [Holly knocks on Michael’s door] Holly: Michael, are you okay? Michael: [voice straining] I’m just worried about my friend. Holly: Oh, of course you are. Michael: Just, I’m fine. I’m holding it together. I-I have a business to run. Holly: No, hey. Michael: I’m cool. Holly: Stop. You can let yourself be upset. He’s your friend. You know what I usually find? Michael: Holly is sweet and simple, like a lady baker. I would not be surprised to find out that she had worked in a bakery before coming here. She has that kind of warmth. I’m pretty sure she’s baked on a professional level. Kevin: [everyone exits the building to find a carnival-themed party in the parking lot] Woah! Cool! A bouncy house! Phyllis: Kevin, take your shoes off first! Michael: No antigravity machine, huh? Phyllis: Sorry, Michael, I don’t think they’re real. Michael: Ferris wheel’s pretty cool though. Pam: Wow. Look at our parking lot. Jim: Yeah, who’d have thought? [Pam sees fireworks being set up; smiles] Pam: Is Jim gonna propose tonight? He is, isn’t he? No, he’s not… Is he? Holly: Oh, it was a pretty good company, but I just couldn’t see a future there. They kept hiring from the outside. It was easy to get in but impossible to rise up. Michael: That’s what she… a lot of places are like that. Holly: I think it’s really cool you hired Kevin. Michael: Thanks. Dwight: You have it? Meredith: Almost. [she unlocks Holly’s car] Dwight: Okay, here we go. Here we go. [Mose carries a raccoon in a cage] Put it in. [he puts the raccoon in the car] Michael: I like, uh… Holly: That-That’s my car. Michael: Hey. What are you doing? Dwight: [Mose drops cage and runs] Mose! Michael: What the hell is going on here?! Dwight: N-nothing you need to know the details of. Michael: There is a raccoon in the car, Dwight! Dwight: N-no there’s not. Michael: Why did you do that? Dwight: It was playful hazing. Michael: No. There is no such thing as playful hazing. Dwight, I want you to look at Holly right now. Everybody, I want you to look at Holly right now, and maybe if you look at her deeply enough, you will see what I see in her. And that is that we are all very lucky to have her here. Holly is the best thing that has happened to this company since World War II. Fifty years, she is the best. [to Dwight] Take care of that, all right? Dwight: It’s not rabid. Michael: Shh… Meredith: Thanks for bringing that up. Dwight: Get it out. Come on, get it out. Get it out. Michael: I’m really sorry. Holly: Michael, thank you so much for saying that. [puts a hand on his arm] I feel so welcome here. Michael: Yeah… Holly: I just… Um, excuse me. Michael: Did you see that! Did you see it? Did you see what… wow-wee! Uh, well, Jan didn’t believe in showing affection, so… sometimes I don’t know how to react when a girl touches me. Oh… I like it! [giggles] Vance Refrigeration guy: Hey Mrs. Vance, we’re all out! Phyllis: Hey, Kev, I need you to do me a solid and go buy some more barbeque sauce. [Kevin nods] Okay. Holly: Cool! You drive your own car? Kevin: Yup. This is my car. Do you drive your own car? Holly: Yep. Just like you. Kevin: Okay, bye. Holly: Bye. Kevin, I’m really proud of you. Michael: [on microphone] Alright! Let’s hear it for Darryl and his band. [applause] You know what? Let’s also give a shout-out to Phyllis for this awesome party, huh? Pam: [everyone applauds] Yay, Phyllis! Michael: Probably the best one that we have ever had, right? [cheers and applause] But the real reason that we are here, is to say goodbye to a guy who we will probably never ever see again. Now, a lot of you know that I am an accomplished songwriter. Pam: Song parody writer. Michael: I have done things like um, “Beers in Heaven.” Jim: Classic. Michael: Or, “Total Eclipse of the Fart.” Jim: Not my favorite, but… Pam: I like that one. Jim: It’s not my favorite… Pam: I like that one. Michael: I love to sing them, but I am not going to be doing that today. I am going to be doing something I wrote specifically for Toby. [to band] Do you know, um, “Goodbye Stranger”? Supertramp? Darryl: Yeah. [music starts] Michael: [sings] It was early morning yesterday… I was up before the dawn… and I really have enjoyed my stay… Toby must be movin’ on. Pam: I’m gonna to miss Toby. He has a nice, calming presence in the office. Michael: [singing] Goodbye Toby, it’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise… Pam: Don’t tell him I said this, but I always thought he was kinda cute. Michael: [singing, screaming into the mic] Come tomorrow, feel no pain! Feel no pain! Toby! Toby! Tobee-yy! Toby’s goin’ away! See ya! He’s outta here! See ya! He’s outta here! Ohh! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Toby! Goodbye Tooo-by! Holly: Not bad. Michael: Oh, hey. Thanks. Holly: Someday I would love to hear “Beers in Heaven.” Michael: Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, actu-too soon. It’s uh, it’s uh, very sexual. [cell phone rings] Sorry. Kevin. [answers] Kevin, where are you? You missed my song, buddy. Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I’m at Gerrity’s. You have to come down here. Michael: Just pay for it and we’ll reimburse you when you get back. Kevin: No, I-I brought my money. Michael, there’s something that you need to see. Michael: What is it? Kevin: Just hurry. [hangs up] Holly: Is he okay? Michael: Yeah. He’s at the supermarket and he needs me. Holly: Yeah well, the party, driving to the supermarket… it’s a big day for him. Michael: Yeah, that’s true. Don’t move a muscle. I will be back momentarily, all right? [Holly freezes; Michael laughs] No, you can drink-you can finish your drink and then I’ll-okay, I’ll be back. Jan: Well it was good to see you. Kevin: It was great to see you, Jan. Jan: Yeah, so… Michael: O-kay. Hello Jan. Jan: Hello… Michael. Michael: Wow, Kevin, really? We’re- [to Jan] Sorry. We’re in the middle of a party. [to Kevin] Is this why you called me down here? Kevin: Yeah, Michael, I just uh… Jan: I… Kevin: I think you kids have a lot to catch up on. Michael: Oh, okay. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Thanks, Kevin. Um… [Kevin walks away, revealing Jan’s pregnant belly] Michael: Wow. I can’t believe it! Look at you! [Jan laughs] Are you nauseous? Jan: No. Michael: Do you-do you have cravings? You never touched my Propecea, or my Accutane, did you? Jan: Uh, no. Michael: Good. Good. Thank God. Jan: I didn’t-- Michael: Cause that’s… Jan: Touch that. Michael: Wow, I am so happy. I am so deliriously happy… Jan: Why? Michael: Because you’re pregnant, and because it obviously happened when we were together. And, I am very-- Jan: Yeah, it did-- Michael: Proud. Jan: Happen when-- Michael: Um… Jan: We were together. That’s true. And-but, you… are not… uh, you’re not the dad. Michael: You cheated on me… when I specifically asked you not to? Jan: Not to. No, I did not. I did not cheat on you. I did not. Michael: Well, okay… Jan: Yeah. Michael: So it’s mine, and it’s not somebody else’s, so… I know… the whole toilet seat thing is a myth, so… Jan: I went to a sperm bank. Michael: You did? Jan: Yuh-huh. Michael: When we were going out? Jan: Uh, yeah. Michael: W-I don’t understand. You always used to be very cautious… I’d wear two condoms. Jan: I know. Michael: You’d rather have somebody else’s sperm than my sperm? Jan: No, no, no… it’s not just any sperm bank. I mean, it’s really… this is a really, really great place. It’s amazing, actually. I’m gonna bring you the catalogue. You should look through it. It’s… and it’s-in fact, it’s right next to that little breakfast place that you like in the city where you can draw on the tables. Michael: IHop. Jan: IHop. Jan: If I was 22, and I had lots of time to have lots of children, then sure, let’s let Michael have a shot at one of ’em. But, honestly, I need to make this one count. Jan: Oh, that’s really good. I feel so much better. I just needed to get all that out onto the table. Michael: I’m glad you told me. Jan: Look, I don’t know what you’re gonna be doing tomorrow, but I have my Lamaze class in Allentown, and um… you could come. I usually, you know, use a foam noodle instead of a partner… Michael: Um, I’ll… I have to think about it. Jan: Okay. Michael: My whole life, I have known two things: I love sex, and I want to have kids. And I always thought that those two things would go hand in hand, but now, I think it might be one or the other. Pam: Oh look, they’re starting. [all watch fireworks display; scattered applause and cheers; Darryl’s band plays soft music] Angela: [to Phyllis] Well, I hope you had fun today, because you’re never ever throwing a party again. Jim: [gets engagement ring from his pocket] Hey… Andy: [on microphone] Can I have your attention please? [music stops] I was waiting for the right time to do this, and I can’t think of a better time than right now, with the music playing, and all our friends around, and fireworks going off… My parents are here! Andrew and Ellen Bernard. Thank you for sharing in this joyous moment. Miss Angela Martin, will you please join me onstage? [Angela shakes her head ‘no’] Okay, then I will come to you, my flower. [knocks over Darryl’s keyboard] Darryl: Unh! Damn it! Andy: Angela, will you do me the honor… of giving me your tiny hand in marriage? [shows her a ring] Angela: Okay. Andy: Into the mic, sweetie. Angela: I said, okay. Andy: She said yes! [light applause] And the crowd goes wild! Woo! [music starts playing; Jim puts his ring back in his pocket and exhales sharply] Andy: I’ve been carrying that ring around in my wallet for six years. Because you don’t know when you’re gonna meet the right girl and the moment’s gonna be right. And tonight, with the fireworks, and the music, and everything… it was right. Kelly: Can I be your bridesmaid? Angela: No. Dwight: Well… it’s my own fault. Andy: Tuna! [hugs Jim; makes small explosion sound] I’m engaged! Jim: I know. That’s awesome, man. That’s great. Andy: Mr. Andrew Bernard… it’s got a nice ring to it. Toby: Hey. Hey, you know, I just realised uh, I don’t have a picture of the two of us. Pam: Oh, yeah, um… Toby: Yeah, could we… Pam: Sure. Meredith, do you mind? Toby: [hands Meredith his camera] This one right here. Meredith: Okay. One two three- [takes picture] Oh let’s do it again. Pam your smile is weird. Toby: It’s digital, so just take as many as you want. Meredith: One, two three- [takes picture] One, two, three- [takes picture] Pam: I don’t know, I just, I really thought Jim was gonna propose tonight… Holly: Hey there. Michael: Hey. Holly: So you missed something really big. Michael: Yeah? Holly: Yeah, Andy proposed to one of your accountants. Michael: Oh, wow. Holy: I’m not so specific as I can be on my first day, but… Michael: Well, I can see Andy proposing to Angela. I can also see him proposing to Oscar. [they chuckle] Oh… Holly: So… You know, somehow after all those ribs, I’m still really hungry. I don’t know, I was thinking of maybe going off-campus somewhere, getting some dessert, or… Michael: Oh, um, well, you know what? You should go to the Glider Diner. Ask Stanley about that. Practically lives there. Holly: Okay. Kevin: I’ll go to the diner with you. Holly: Oh that would be great. Kevin: Yeah, we can go eat pie. Holly: I love pie. Kevin: Me too. Holly: Okay. Michael: Have a good night. Holly: Okay. Good night. Michael: Bye. Holly: Yeah, it was a good day. I mean, first days are always the hardest, right? Well, I should go. [Kevin is waiting in the car] I gotta buckle him in. Michael: Well this is it. I am here to see you off. Toby: Thanks… [Hank is standing next to Michael] Really, Michael? Michael: Sorry. Corporate policy. Toby: It’s not. Michael: You might take something. Hank: I don’t think he’s gonna take anything. Michael: Okay, security guard. Toby: [watch that Michael gave him beeps] Oh, some kind of… alarm. Michael: Okay. Michael: [on phone, leaving a message] Hi, Jan, it’s Michael. I just um, I just want to let you know that I am going to go to your Lamaze class tomorrow. Um, and if there’s any details you need to fill me in on, like… what exactly Lamaze is, that would be great. And I… will see you tomorrow morning. [hangs up] I am going to be… kind of a daddy. Phyllis: Party planning’s a real high. Like a runner’s high. [gets out of elevator; hears moans and heavy breathing coming from office; opens door and sees Dwight and Angela making out] Angela: [sees Phyllis; gasps] Oh my God! Dwight: What? [turns and sees Phyllis; Phyllis gasps and drops the box in her hands]