Weight Loss (Part 2)
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Ryan: [walks in the office] How’s my favorite branch doing? [no one talks, everyone stares at Ryan] All right. [sits at reception] Michael: Ronnie was bleh. Things were at an all time sad here. But then I got an e-mail from Ryan, that he was coming back to town. And I called the temp agency and I told them I will pay you any amount, just give me Ryan Howard. Give him to me. I want him. I need him. Ryan: And you got a goatee! Michael: I did! Ryan: Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine? Michael: Yes. Gooooo-tee! Kevin: Firrrrre-duh guy! [high fives Ryan] Ryan: Hey Kevin… [Kevin gives Ryan a noogie] Ryan: That’s really funny. Kevin: Yeah. Ryan: It’s great to see you, Kev. Kevin: You too. Ryan: I’m keeping a list… of everyone who wrongs me. So when I’m back on top, they’ll be sorry. Kevin just made the list. Ryan: Jim. I wanted to apologize… for how I treated you last year. I lost sight of myself and now that I’ve quit the rat race I’ve realised there’s so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company’s history. I’ve even started volunteering. Giving back to the community. Jim: Well that’s great. [shakes Ryan’s hand] You’re talking about your court ordered community service? Ryan: I don’t need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. Jim: But he did, right? Ryan: All right. Jim: All right. Ryan: [glares into the camera and writes Jim’s name on his list] Darryl: Well you lost zero pounds. [everyone grumbles] No change. On the bright side you gained zero pounds. Michael: Hey, you know what? I can’t do this by myself people! Kelly and I are the only ones who have either passed out or almost passed out. [flails his arms] Andy: Damnit, I need these five days for my honeymoon! Who is slacking? Holly: Okay, let’s just all try and work harder. Okay? Andy: NO! I want names! Andy: This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life. I haven’t had a very hard life. Oscar: So how was your date? Holly: Eight point five. I got a red wine stain on my favorite shirt. But he’s cute, right? Michael: [groans painfully] Holly: What’s wrong? Michael: [struggling to speak] Mmm—-mmm… Um… Michael: Close the door. This is your fault. Jim: Nope. Michael: Your stupid friend zone. Jim: Mmm. Michael: I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty! Wh— You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man! Dwight: Attention! Attention! We only have a few weeks left. [looking at Phyllis] And most of you are just as fat as the day we began. Jim: How much weight have you lost, Dwight? Dwight: I am hardly the problem, Jim. Jim: No, you’re definitely the problem. Dwight: This is what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction. Uhhhhh Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills. Ryan: Kelly. Kelly: Oh, hello Ryan. You look well. Ryan: I wanted to say I’m sorry… for treating you bad the past couple years. I was in my mid twenties and I was goin’ through a lot of stuff. I think I never fully processed 9/11. Um, I want you to know I’ve changed. Kelly: Cool. Ryan: We should get a drink later. Catch up. Pick me up around eight? Kelly: Oh that is so sweet. Um, but I’m dating Darryl, still, and we’re like crazy in love so… Ryan: That--I, um… cool. Well maybe I’ll see you around. Kelly: It’s a small office. Ryan: Yeah. Dwight: Hello Phyllis. Do you have a minute? Listen. I’m really sorry… about what I said before. Okay? I was way out of line. Phyllis: Yes you were. Dwight: But you know what, I want to make it up to you. There is a sure fire sale, but it’s a two man job. Interested? Phyllis: Split the commission? Dwight: [sighs] Sixty – forty. Hm? [they shake hands] I’ll drive. Ryan: [exhales, camera shows Kelly and Darryl making out on the reception couch, Kelly looking at Ryan] Holly: Dieting’s only half of it. Michael: Mmm-hmm. Saunas. Holly: And exercise. Although I know everybody loves going to the gym. Michael: Gah, the dreadmill. [both laugh] Jim: Probably the weirdest thing about Pam being gone would be lunch… actually. But um, it will force me to become acquaintances with people I consider… coworkers. Friend: Oh, my God. Okay. Everybody just act normal. Don’t say anything. Pam: What? Friend: My ex-girlfriend. She’s right behind you. Just… hide me. Pam: Really, where? Friend: No no! Don’t look! [Pam sees an old lady behind him] Pam: Wow, was it the age difference? Friend: Uh, actually, kind of. Yes. I just didn’t like eating dinner that early. [they laugh, Pam’s phone rings, she answers] Pam: Hey! Jim! Um, listen, can I call you back in a little bit? I made friends! [Phyllis storms in the office, sweaty and out of breath] Phyllis: Are you insane?! Dwight: Hey, hey! Oscar: Oh my God, what happened? Phyllis: There was no client. Dwight drove me to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed me out of the car. I had to walk home with no money and no phone. Dwight: And you burned over a thousand calories walking home. And this branch just got a little bit closer to winning the contest. Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! [claps] Phyllis: You left me in a bad part of town! Dwight: Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about? [Phyllis storms to her desk, picks up phone and dials] Dwight: You look great. I can definitely see the difference. Phyllis: [into phone] Phyllis Vance for David Wallace. Holly: “...Or that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate. Nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies. As was clearly stated in the official starting—“ Michael: [in a fat suit, speaking in his Michael Clump voice] Ohhhh! Bang! Boom! Say Clump! Why hello everybody! Holly: What are you doing? Jim: Fair question. Michael: I say, I say, I say, I say down Holly! I’ll take it from here. I am beautiful. [hangs pictures of fat people on the wall, including two fat people on a bike, the Ghostbusters Marshmallow Man, Elvis, Martin Lawrence in Big Mamma’s House, Jabba the Hutt, and a fat pig] They are beautiful. He is beautiful. This big fat pig is beautiful. Michael: It’s my sumo suit. I just didn’t inflate it all the way. I am so glad that I bought instead of rented. Michael: Body image. We are here because there is something wrong with society. Jim: See, you’re always saying there’s something wrong with society, but… maybe there’s something wrong with you. Michael: If it’s me, then society made me that way. Now, I know a lot of you are probably asking yourself, “Why are you dressed in a plus sized suit?” Kevin: Because you’re kind of doing Michael Clump. Michael: How do you know Michael Clump? Oscar: Because it’s your making-fun-of-fat-people character. Michael: How dare you! Michael Clump is a celebration of fat people. Oscar: I think of him as more like… a monster? What about, “I say, I say, I say, I’ll sit on you!” Dwight: No, no, no, it goes, it goes… look, “I say, I say, I say, I’ll sit on you!” Michael: No, no, no, NO, no! You know what? Fat people are not monsters! Why don’t you guys have a little more sensitivity to the subject. Bang! Boom! Case in point! Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside… and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy, man. Dwight: Vamping. Michael: Hey! Why don’t you just sit down, please? Dwight: Eh, I’ve been sitting all day. Michael: We’re doing this because of you. So why don’t you just go stand somewhere else. [to Ryan] Hey. Hey. You shaved? Ryan: I did. Michael: Why? Ryan: [at a loss for words] Professor: So, in the year 2000, fungus and even black mold was discovered growing in the cave. Some blame it on the new air conditioning system they installed. Some, on the high powered lights. [Pam’s friend shows Pam a drawing mocking the professor, they laugh] Others feel that fungus is do to an over— Pam: [to friend] Nice. Professor: Quiet please. Pam: Sorry. Friend: Sorry. Michael: Dwight, I would like you to apologize to this beautiful, beautiful woman for forcing her to walk five miles, which for her is basically a death march. Dwight: She should thank me. Michael: Okay, Phyllis. Thank Dwight first. Phyllis: Why should I have to thank him? Michael: You’re right, you’re right. Just, Dwight, do it. Just say it okay. Dwight: [exhales] I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise. Michael: Finally. Right? Okat, Phyllis you must be exhausted from standing on those gams. Why don’t you have a seat? [Phyllis sits] Let’s all clap at Phyllis. [everyone claps] Michael: Okay! [in Michael Clump voice] When Michael Clump wants to remind you [normal voice] that corporate… their idea, yes, was to urge you to lose weight, but more importantly what this whole thing is about, this contest is really about being healthy. And in order to be healthy, you have to eat, Kelly. Kelly. [kneels down in front of Kelly, Dwight tries to help him down, Michael shouts gibberish at him] Kelly, I want you to stand up on your chair. Come on, stand up on your chair. Stand up, stand up, stand up. Somebody help her. Here we go. [Kelly stands up on her chair] Michael: Okay, I want you to look at her. She’s a beautiful Indian woman. Why? What makes her beautiful? Ryan: [stands up] Everything. She’s perfect. Meredith: I like her nails. Michael: Okay, be more specific. Meredith: I like her fingernails. Phyllis: I like her purple dress. Michael: What about her looks? Creed: Hell of an ass. Kelly: What else do people like? Phyllis: I wonder what people like about me? Probably my jugs. Michael: Kelly, will you just agree to stop this mess and stop trying to kill yourself? Kelly: I hate dieting, I hate it so much. I hate this worm inside of me! Michael: I want you to know. Kelly, look at me! I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are truly, truly beautiful. Give me a hug. [Michael hugs Kelly, his head in her chest] Mmmmmm. Jim: Summers going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Clump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I’m convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York and I haven’t seen her in 10 days. How’s your summer? Michael: Hey Ryan, look. Shaved off my goatee. I am goateeless. We are the goateeless brothers. Ryan: Oh… Michael: Ahaha, Yep! [Dwight looks down depressingly and rubs his new goatee] Oscar: How was Friday night? Holly: Oh, I had a good time, but it’s been three days and no call. I even have two tickets to see Counting Crows for tonight, so… Oscar: He’ll call. Michael: Oscar, enough with the girl talk please. Darryl: You guys lost four pounds. Michael: Hey! Darryl: I say we have a parade. Dwight: We better. Michael: Excellent! Good job. Jim: So as it turns out, tonight is my nephews T-ball game and I kinda missed the first three, so… Pam: You’ve already disappointed him so much. He can’t be expecting a lot from you. Jim: I know. I suck. Dwight: Yes, you do. Jim: Dwight says “Hi.” Dwight: I do not! I do not say “Hi” Pam! Jim: Now he is saying “Hi” louder. Pam: I… listen, umm, we’re still good for this weekend, right? Jim: Umm… Pam: No football games, recitals, karate tournaments. Jim: Hey, can you go to IM? Pam: Okay. Jim: Okay. JIM9334 [screen name]: Let’s meet for lunch. Dwight: What are you writing about me? Receptionitis15 [screen name]: What — today? JIM9334: Yeah. C’mon we’ll meet halfway. You’ll be back for your 4 o’clock class. Dwight: I’m gonna write you both up for not working. Jim: I’m gonna write you up for not working. Dwight: Okay, well played. Neither of us’ll write the other up for not working. Receptionitis15: Where? JIM9334: The rest stop where that soda exploded on me. Exit 17, I think. 1 o’clock. Receptionitis15: Alright. See you there. : ) P.S. I finally finished my summer project. Jim: [holds up an ASCII image of Dwight] Michael: Yeah, oh, hey. Did he call? Holly: I just got off… Kendall? I just got off… Michael: No no, did, I heard you talking to Oscar about that guy. What, what happened? Did he call? Holly: Oh, no. Micheal: Really? Holly: No. Micheal: Aach. Holly: And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they are gonna call? Michael: I dunno. I always call everybody back right away. He’ll call back though. Give him until the end of the day, he’ll call. If he doesn’t, he is loco. Holly: Thanks. That’s sweet. Anyways, umm, seems like we lost to Utica by only eight pounds. Michael: Ugh. Holly: Well, at least everyone lost weight. That’s all that really matters. Michael: Wait, do we have until the end of the day? Holly: So we’re only eight pounds behind Utica. Now, I know it’s a stretch but we could weigh ourselves again at the end of the day and maybe win this thing after all. Andy: Leave it to me, boss. I can get this whole office to make weight. [turns up thermostat] It’s gonna be a little toasty in here. Good old fashioned sweat lodge. Andy: Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them… or he quits them because they are unfair. Michael: [Kelly eating in the break room] Hey, is that healthy food? Kelly: Nope. Michael: We’re trying to win a contest here, Kelly. Please? Jim: Hey, Michael. I just scheduled lunch with a client so I might be back a little late. Michael: Okay, that is fine. Just water, and be back by weigh-in, okay? Jim: Perfect. Dwight: [sprays the inside of the vending machine with bug spray] Angela: I hate to even ask because you have been so accommodating about all the wedding stuff. Andy: Your wish is my command. Angela: Is there any way our first dance can be to my favorite song, The Little Drummer Boy? Andy: Of course! Angela: Really? Andy: Yeah! I mean it’s a great song. I always thought it was bigger than Christmas anyway. You know? Angela: Mmhmm. Andy: And you know what? The guys already know it so it’s easy breezy. Angela: The guys? Andy: I didn’t tell you. Angela: Mm-mm Andy: Here Comes Treble, class of ’96 was available for our big day, so, I booked ’em. Angela: I don’t think that… Andy: And, they are collectively my best man. And they are crashing with us for three weeks, so… it totally works out. Angela: I don’t know if I want your old college a capella group to be our wedding band. Andy: Okay, I hear you, sweetheart, but this is a deal breaker. But you know what? You’re gonna love these guys. Carl 1, Carl 2, Broccoli Rob, Spare Rib, Doobie, Lunch Box, Boner Champ, that’s me, Pubie Lewis and the News, Hopscotch, Jingle Jangle, Sandwich. These are the best best-man a guy could ever hope for. Angela: [Angela dials the phone] Let’s talk about this later. [Dwight’s pager buzzes] Andy: Mm-wah! [Angela walks away, Dwight follows] Pam: Hey! This is not half-way! I did the math. I had to drive way longer than you. Montclair would have been closer, so you have to buy lunch. Jim: [Jim gets down on one knee] Pam: What are you doing? Jim: I just… couldn’t wait. Pam: Oh, my God! Jim: Pam, will you marry me? Pam: Oh, my God! Jim: So? Pam: Yes! [they embrace and kiss] Dwight: God. Where is Jim? Holly: I’m calling it. I guess that’s curtains for the yoga guy. Michael: Aww, really? Holly: Yeah. Michael: I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing-- Holly: Yeah? Michael: Was that he was a complete stupid idiot. Holly: Aww man, I really wanted to see them. Michael: I know. I love Counting Crows. Holly: Look at where my seats were. Michael: Wow, really? Holly: Yeah. Michael: That’s a shame. A shame to waste these. I want to buy them from you. Holly: Michael, you don’t have to buy them. Michael: I do. No. I do. I, I want to. Trust me. I really do. Holly: Okay. Michael: Okay? Holly: Yeah. Michael: Alright. Alright! [tears up tickets] Just, I want you to just forget about him, okay? Case closed. Umm, can I pay you tomorrow? I have like a 60 dollar limit on my ATM, so… Holly: Yeah. Michael: Is that good? Holly: Yeah. Jim: Hey, sorry everybody. Dwight: What are you smiling about there smiley pants? You’re late. Andy: Wet Tuna! Jim: Hey, Dwight. Michael: Okay. Jim: What’s up, Meredith? Meredith: Nothing. Dwight: Dripping on me. Michael: Darryl, would you do the honors? Darryl: Two thousand one hundred seventy-five. [everyone moans] Sorry guys. Michael: Nonono, no, no, I don’t want to hear moaning. This is a good day. You guys accomplished something big. You lost a ton of weight, literally. A lot of weight. And I don’t care what any stupid scale says. You guys are all gigantic losers. Stanley: I don’t know about anyone else. But it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I’m just gonna take five days off anyway. Toby: [in a hospital bed, watching Entourage in Spanish] Oh, I went zip lining my third day in Costa Rica. I guess the harness wasn’t strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And, I’ve been in the hospital five weeks now. I still haven’t seen the beach. It’s nice to have visitors.