Stress Relief (Part 2)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Jeffrey Blitz Transcribed By: Admin Michael: I don’t get it. Do I stress you out? Dwight: Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. Michael: Oh… Dwight: Speaking of which… [hands Michael the paper to sign for Dwight’s formal apology] Michael: Remember when people used to say boss, when they were describing something that was really cool like, those shoulder pads are really boss man… Look at that perm, that perm is so boss. It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge. Michael: Okay, everybody, I’ve figured it out. The reason that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated to tell me what you really think. [Jim shakes his head at the camera] You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is what’s causing stress. So, what is the solution? Solution is honesty, laughter, and comedy. In short… Kelly: A vacation. Michael: What? No. No, I am talking about a roast! Of Michael Scott! Oh c’mon! Who here has the Comedy Central Roast channel? You’ve seen it right? Everybody gets together, and everyone starts hurling insults at the one guy, and everybody’s laughing, and everybody’s hugging each other… Oscar: Michael are you serious? You really want us to roast you? Michael: Si senor. Oscar: That’s offensive. Michael: It’s not! It’s not offensive during a roast! Anything goes! I want you guys to really get crackin’ on this. I want you to take me down. Don’t hold back. I want you to really make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, could be the fact that I’m so fit, or I’m a womanizer… fair game. Whatever. I don’t want to write your stuff for you, but I just want it to be good. Kevin: [giggling] Oh my God… Oh man… Ohhhhh my God… Oscar: I consider myself a good person. But I’m gonna try to make him cry. Michael: I can already feel people’s stress starting to melt. I think they’re very excited about paying their respects this way. I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. Dwight: May I have your attention please? Sign in, sign in on the sign in sheet, the clipboard. This meeting is mandatory, if you do not sign in your name will not be counted. Thank you. Phyllis: Hey, this is your apology letter. Dwight: That was the last signature I needed. Michael: Whoo!! Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. You are all jerks. Just kidding, not yet anyway. Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. If you’re here for the Grabowski wedding, it is the second door on the left. [Creed looks around] So, we all know how these work, needs to get crazy, take your best shot. I am going to sit right here on my chair and--ah… whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. [Angela jumps up] Michael: Okay… lower the mic for the midget. Angela: If you ever wondered if you were Michael Scott, here’s a quiz to help. If you ever put sunblock on a window, you might be Michael Scott. [laughter] Angela: I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. [grin] Angela: If you ever called the fire department ’cause your head was stuck in your chair you might be… Group: Michael Scott! [laughter] Michael: Hey, hey, I don’t go make burgers where you work and then tell you how to make burgers. Ha ha! Kelly: I have made a list of people that I would make out with before I would make out with Michael Scott. A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse, a woodchipper, Kevin, a candle, and Lord Voldemort. Anyway, Happy Birthday Michael. Michael: You’re so lucky! Good one… [clapping] Meredith: Michael? You ran over me with your car. You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board with a caption that said “Gross”… Michael: Well… Meredith: Michael, you are the reason I drink. You are the reason I live to forget. Michael: Pow, pow, pow… [hands making gunshot impression, sporadic clapping] Oscar: [yelling at Michael in Spanish] [Toby tries to come on stage] Michael: No! No, friends only. Friends only. [Toby shrugs and sits back down] Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary. Michael: I know where this is goin’. Jim: Do ya? Michael: No… Jim: Okay. Remember Spider face? Michael: No. Jim: Okay. ‘Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface. Michael: Spite her--okay. [laughter] Jim: Yeah… yep. Dwight: How dare you all attack him like this. Michael: Oh, stop it, Dwight. Dwight: Michael is your superior. Michael: No, no, no, no, no, no! Dwight: Okay, you should be bowing down in front of him. Michael: Dwight you’re supposed to do it this way. Dwight: Okay, no, they don’t understand who they have… Michael: That is the way you’re supposed to do it, idiot. Dwight: You’re interrupting me. I’m trying to get your back. Michael: Idiot. Idiot! Idiot. Idiot. Dwight: Are you calling me an idiot? Michael: Idiot. Dwight: Don’t you ever talk to me that way. You pathetic, short little man. You don’t have any friends, or any family, or any land. [clapping and whooing] Pam: Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all about something very serious. Once every hour, someone is involved in an internet scam. That man is Michael Scott. [laughter] He’s supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. Michael: Hey, ya know what? Forgive me for caring. Right? Pam: Well, ya know, Michael is a great delegator. He never does any work himself. Ever. And one time, I walked in on him naked, and his thing is so small. [quickly walks off stage] If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle! [clapping, laughter] Michael: Can I make just a little announcement. In a professional roast, usually the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they’re done, something about how much they love them, so, just, keep that in mind. Darryl: Mike claims, we’re all a family, isn’t that, right? Michael: We are, we are a family. Darryl: Okay, so, um, what’s his name? All the way in the back there. Michael: Oh, very funny. Darryl: What’s his name? Michael: Uhh… hehe hah! I’m thinking Roy? Darryl: Roy left years ago. What’s his name? Michael: I don’t believe I have had the pleasure. Warehouse Michael: Michael, I gave you a ride home last week, we spent an hour in traffic… Darryl: What’s his name? Michael: Jefferson. Darryl: Nope. His name is Michael. [Michael makes the da dum ksch on the drum set again] Andy: [singing and playing the guitar] What I hate about you, you really suck as a boss, you’re the laziest, jerkiest and you’re dumber than applesauce. We’re stuck listening to you all day, Stanley tried to die just to get away, heeey, well it’s true. That’s what I hate about you. That’s what I hate about you. Yeah. And now, a man that deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. Michael: Haha ha. Thank you, very much, thank you. That was great. Great job, great laughs. Really, really went after my intelligence there. [clears throat] Dozens of online IQ test might prove you wrong, but, and my thing isn’t tiny, its average, so… get your facts straight. [clears throat again] So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought [choking up, clears throat again] sorry. [laughs nervously] I think I have a frog in my throat. Um… [sigh] I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people, um, first up Phyllis and Kevin. Uh, um… [Michael walks off stage, knocking over the snare drum] Pam: Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Uh, I’m sorry, Michael’s not here right now can I take a message? Great. I will. Thanks. Dwight: It’s very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. My guess? He’s either deeply depressed, or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them and staring up at them. And I always say Michael, take two steps back, and stare at the icicle from the side. And he’s like no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them. Kevin: [in the lunchroom, with a sock puppet] He is so dumb that he tries to put his M&Ms in alphabetical order. [giggles] Oscar: Alright Kevin. Enough with the Michael jokes. I think he got it bad enough yesterday. Kevin: I’m almost done. Oscar: That reeks, and I’m trying to eat. Dwight: Attention everyone I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring? Jim: Yep. You’re being replaced. Pam: I think he meant personal day. Dwight: Oh, that’s quite a leap Pam. Phyllis: I hope he’s okay, I feel bad. Creed: Give it up, he’s dead. Jim: He just sent a text… Creed: What’s a text? Michael: [at a park throwing whole pieces of bread] Caw… caw… caw caw… caw… Michael: You know sometimes, to get perspective, I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. And, our problems don’t matter to him, because we’re just a distant point of light. But he feels sorry for me, because he has an incredibly powerful microscope, and he can see my face. [looks towards the sky] I’m okay. No, I’m not. Pam: Phyllis there’s a package for you. Phyllis: Oh, okay. [Phyllis signs for the package, opens an empty box] Dwight: [after snatching the clipboard with her signature] Got it. Lily: [movie] Sam, Sam, Sam. It’s not that you dumped my granddaughter, and it’s not that you want children. It, it’s that you lied to me. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see? Oh, I can never trust you. [Andy looks like he’s going to cry] Sam: Lilly no. Lilly! Lilly please! Lilly STOP! I don’t care how much time we have left. I don’t care what my friends say! And I don’t care what your mom thinks! Frankly I’m pretty sure she’s not makin’ any sense. Please. Move back to my apartment. [Andy’s crying, “I’m All Out of Love” starts playing] Lilly. I’m not giving up. I’m not giving up. Lilly… Lilly! Push the reverse button! Reverse the button! Andy: [through tears] Sam! Sam! Pam: Hey Dad. No, I know, Mom told me. Okay. Yeah, I’ll see ya then. Jim: So, what did he say? Was it my fault? Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room, and about how, you’ve never doubted for a second that I’m the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he’s never felt that with my mom, even at their best. Jim: You, okay? Pam: Yeah. [they hug] Pam: When you’re a kid you assume your parents are soul mates. My kids are gonna be right about that. I guess it also means that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. [Andy is in the background, looks incredulous] Andy: I am not insightful enough to be a movie critic. Mm… maybe I could be a food critic. These muffins taste bad. Hmm, or an art critic. That painting is bad. Pam: Michael! It’s really good to see you. Dwight: Hey. Why are you wearing a turtleneck? Jim: Are you alright? Oscar: Michael, I feel like I was a little harsh yesterday. [murmurs of agreement] Michael: I, um, I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons, I guess they all flew west for the winter, and I, I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. Pam: What? Michael: Well, I wrote them down so I wouldn’t forget. Jim, you’re 6’11 and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom. Roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom. Roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. Angela where’s Angela? [Angela raises her hand] Michael: Whoa there you are, I didn’t see you there behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. Oscar, you are… [Stanley is laughing] Michael: Oscar, you’re gay. Oscar: Wow. Michael: Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom. Roasted. [Stanley is still laughing] Alright. Alright everybody, you know I kid, you know I kid. You guys are the reason I went into the paper business, so, uh, goodnight, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe. [clapping and murmurs of appreciation] Michael: They say that laughter is the best medicine so Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You are cured. Actually, you should… better hold onto them pills, just in case.