Niagara (Part 2)
Written By: Greg Daniels & Mindy Kaling Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Kevin: It’s a good idea. Oscar: It’s not a good idea. There’s no such thing as a good hairpiece. Kevin: Yeah. But that’s easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice. Dwight: I’m just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself. Michael: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It’s not relatable. Nobody owns a farm. Isabel: Wait. You’re worried about your horses? That’s cool. How many horses do you have? Dwight: Nine and three-quarters. Dwight: I invented a device called ‘Burger on the Go’. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall’s considering it. Hammacher Schlemer is still considering it. Sears said, ‘No’. Michael: [talking to an attractive woman] Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Up. I ball the entire time. I cannot watch Pixar. Dwight: Michael. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Drop this one. Abort. Michael: Why? Dwight: I found twins. Michael: Oh, my God. Twins. I’m sorry. You understand. Nice to meet you. Dwight: Aren’t they magnificent? Michael: They’re men, Dwight. Dwight: I love finding a good set of twins. Michael: Something is wrong with you. Erin: [everyone is dancing] Go Meredith. Nice moves. Andy: You call that a robot? Try being more robotic, okay? Like this. Kelly: Lame! What else you got, Andy? Andy: How about a little bit of this. Erin: Oh yeah. What else you got? Kevin: What else you got? Andy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams out in pain] Erin: What else you got? Kevin: It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fine. Pam’s here. [knocks on Pam’s door] Pam? [knocks again] Andy: I was dancing and I did a split and I landed on my car keys in my pocket. Pam: What? Andy: I tore my scrotum. I need you to take me to the hospital. Pam: Andy, I am getting married in 8 hours. Andy: Everyone else is too drunk. Just don’t let me die here. Pam: [on the phone] Hey, hey! Where are you? Can you take Andy to the hospital? Jim: [over phone] What? Pam: He tore his scrotum dancing. Jim: [over phone] What? Pam: He is in my room icing his balls. Jim: [over phone] What? Pam: Please stop saying what. Can you take him? Jim: Look, I would so take him in any other circumstance, but I’m pretty certain I’m completely wasted. Pam: Your brothers took you out drinking? Jim: Uh… Michael: [over phone] Is that Pam? Hey, have her come out! Have her come out! It would be like Coyote Ugly. Pam: That’s Michael. You’re out with Michael? Jim: [over phone] And Dwight. Dwight: [over phone] Hey-O! Jim: Pam, it just happened. Pam: Okay, fine. I’ll take him. Jim: I love you. Okay, I gotta--I gotta go! Michael: [over phone] I love you! [laughs] Pam: Are you pushing me off the phone? Jim: No. Let’s talk for a long time. Pam: Goodbye. [hangs up phone] Michael: Mm! It’s after midnight. [points at Jim] Michael and Dwight: You’re married. [hugs Jim] He’s married! Dwight: Congratulations. Jim: That’s not how that works. Dwight: Oh, my goodness. Michael: Oh my God. You’re not going to be able to talk back. Dwight: You’ll have Pam to answer to. Michael: She’ll be sitting home saying, “Jim… take the baby to the zoo ’cause I want to sit at home and eat bon-bons.” [Dwight laughs] “And… and clip my toenails.” Dwight: “Jim… hey why don’t you braid my hair. I want to watch TV.” Michael: Now you sound like Kermit. Andy: Are you sure this is the right way? Pam: Nope. I, like you, have never been here before. Andy: Well, at least slow down a little bit because every little bump in the road is major pain on… my scrotum. Pam: Look, I’m not the one who asked you to do a split when you’ve never done one before. Andy: I was trying to liven things up a little bit. I was kinda doing your job so-- Pam: My job? My job is to get married in the morning. That’s my job. Andy: Well, it’s also to make sure that we have a great time at your stupid wedding, so-- Andy: [Pam swerves the car back and forth] Ow, ow! Andy: [snickers] I spent the night with the bride the night before the wedding. Ah yeah. She stepped on my hand on her way to the bathroom. Pam: Andy, did I dream that you were crying through the night? Andy: No. No that was real. Michael: [folding his pants on top of the ice machine, man walks in with ice bucket] Why don’t you take a picture. It’ll last longer. God. Can’t I get a little privacy? Hotel Employee: [Kevin rings bell at the front desk] Good morning. How can I help you? Kevin: I left a pair of dress shoes in a bag outside my door last night to be cleaned at polished, but they haven’t been returned yet. Hotel Employee: You must be Mr. Malone. One moment please. Kevin: Thank you. Hotel Employee: [whispers to manager] Sir. It’s the man with the shoes. Hotel Manager: Mr. Malone. Your shoes are gone. Kevin: They were stolen? Hotel Manager: No. Destroyed. Kevin: What? Hotel Manager: The bag was opened by our shoeshine and the smell overcame him. I too smelled them and made the choice that they must be thrown away. Incinerated actually. Kevin: But that was my only pair of shoes. Hotel Manager: It became a safety issue, sir. Kevin: Well… well damn it. Hotel Employee: I can offer you a complimentary breakfast. Kevin: Okay. Dwight: [walking out of hotel room with a woman] You have everything? Isabel: Hmm-hmm. Dwight: Cell phone? Charger? Isabel: Yeah. So, you sure you don’t want breakfast? It’s the most important meal of the day. Dwight: It really is. I’m not hungry. I ate a whole bunch of sunflower seeds after you went to sleep. And besides, I wouldn’t want to take you away from Pam on the morning of her wedding. She needs you, Isabel. Isabel: That’s really sweet, Dwight. So, I’ll see you at the wedding? Dwight: You know it. Isabel: Okay. [they kiss] Dwight: Okay, get out of here. Isabel: Bye. Dwight: Okay. Michael: [passes Isabel] Hey, good morning. [to Dwight] It’s about damn time. I haven’t gone to the bathroom in a day and a half. [walks into hotel room] Oh my God, Dwight. This room is a pit. Dwight: [lays on bed] Really? I hadn’t noticed. Too busy knocking boots. Michael: [watching Dwight eat breakfast] How can you eat like that? Dwight: I’m ravenous after a night of love making. You? Michael: Yeah, I’m hungry, but I’m not going to make a pig out of myself. Dwight: Hey, what was she like? Michael: She was cute. You know? She was hot. She was very hot. She made love like a tiger. Dwight: Brides side or grooms’ side? Or townie? Michael: She was from Europe. Dwight: No kidding. Michael: Uh-huh. Dwight: I bet she had hairy armpits. Michael: No. Dwight: Isabel was nice, but I hope she doesn’t think this is going anywhere. Michael: Wait a second. You’re not into her? Are you kidding me? Dwight: No. Michael: She’s Pam’s best friend. You guys could double date. Swap maybe? Dwight: Oh please. Put a gun in my mouth. Michael: No… you’re crazy. Dwight: Look. She’s a dental hygienist from Carbondale and she makes love like one. She’s a bumpkin. Pass. Michael: She’s--okay. Do you know how hard it is to be a hygienist? You have to take x-rays. You have to scrape the plaque off of people’s teeth. You have to tell kids when to spit and make sure they’re not scared when the dentist comes in. It--it-- Dwight: You should ask her out. Michael: [stands up and walks away] I already have my European girlfriend. Stanley: If your hat hits me in the face one more time-- Phyllis: That’s funny. Your wife loved this hat the last time she saw it. [glares at Stanley’s date] Angela: [sees Kevin’s toupee] Oh my God. Oscar: Oh… Kevin: Oscar. Angela. Erin: Are you in a lot of pain? Andy: Oh, cause of last night? No way. Reports have been exaggerated. Weddings make me very emotional. I, um--I just have that side to me. Erin: People say you cry all the time. Andy: Well, that’s not-- Meredith: Crotch injuries are the worst. You don’t need to tell me. Andy: I wasn’t telling you. Meredith: Is there still something there? Andy: Excuse me? Meredith: It didn’t get torn off? Andy: No, it didn’t--nothing got torn off. Who told you that? Jim: I may have told some people that. I’m nervous. I’m about to get married. Erin: If you want to sit on this-- [hands Andy her wrap] I was thinking the wood might be too hard on your damaged penis. Make it softer. Andy: It was my scrotum. Um, and it was. Thank you. Michael: Oh, here we go. They asked for cash, but you know… I give them cash every week, so--how much cash does a person need? I have taken it upon myself to do something a little more special. I have painted a portrait of the two of them from memory. [holds up painting] And I have another one of them in the nude. But that one is for me. Dwight: I got them a set of turtle boiling pots, a shell hammer and bibs. Penny: Is it zipping over your belly? Don’t squish the baby. Pam: Thank you, weirdo. Pam’s mom: everybody see Kristie’s stupid blonde extensions? It’s like they were made from a plastic broom. Pam: Okay, here I come. [walks out in her wedding dress] Pam’s mom: Oh darling! You look beautiful. Pam: Thanks mom. Pam’s mom: Oh, I hope he deserves you. Pam: He does. Pam’s mom: Are you sure? Remember you don’t have to do this. You don’t. Penny: Mom, you’re totally projecting. You’re being a drag. Pam: Yes. Thank you, mom. Isabel: Hey, I’m going to go outside and talk to Dwight. Pam: Okay, great. [Isabel kisses her cheek] Pam: Yeah, I’ll see you in a second. [pauses] Wait, what? [tries to follow, but veil gets caught on wall and tears] Oh! Oh no! Jim: [answers cell phone] Hey! Pam: Can you come here please? Jim: Is this allowed? Pam: No. No, but I’m allowing it. Just come here. Dwight: [talking to a woman] That was an intelligent comment. Isabel: Hello stranger. How do I look? Dwight: Oh. Fine. Isabel, [holds out hand] nice to see you. What do you want? Isabel: Um… [shakes head] nothing. Anymore. Dwight: [turns back to other woman] So, uh tell me again the difference between Filene’s and Filene’s basement. Michael: [to Isabel] Hey, hey… He’s not sitting with me either. Where are you sitting? You need a seat buddy? Isabel: I’m standing. I’m a bridesmaid. Michael: Oh, I wish I was a bridesmaid. Where am I gonna go? Pam: Hey. Jim: Wow. You look-- Pam: Terrible. Jim: So beautiful. [Pam’s starts to cry. Jim pulls up chair to sit next to her] Jim: Hey-- Pam: My veil tore. I knew when we were getting married and I’m five months pregnant that I’m not going to be able to wear the dress that I always wanted or high heels– Jim: [takes her hand] Hey. You look just as I imagined you would. Pam, you’re so pretty. Pam: [sighs] Thank you. Jim: And who cares? It’s a stupid veil, right? Pam: No, this was the one thing I was supposed to be able to control, was this veil and-- [Jim cuts off half his tie] Jim: There. Now we’re even. [Pam laughs and mimes taking a picture, they kiss] Pam: [sighs] Everyone’s driving me crazy. I know way too much about Andy’s scrotum. [Jim chuckles] And my mom won’t stop freaking out about my dad’s new girlfriend. [sighs] This is supposed to be our wedding day. Why did we invite all these people? Phyllis: I think Pam ran away because she knew deep down, she wouldn’t be a good wife. Angela: Yes. Oscar: [to Kevin who is bouncing up and down] What are you doing? Kevin: I’m trying to decide if I have time to pee. Oscar: How long do you take to pee? Kevin: The peeing is fast, Oscar. It’s getting my tie back on. Michael: [to Pam’s mom] Hey. Hi. Do you–would you have a snack in your purse? You’re a mom. I just figured you might have-- Pam’s mom: Oh, yeah-- [hands Michael a snack] Michael: Oh! Eww… apricot. Do you have any of the Very Berry or Ocean Splash or-- Pam’s mom: No. Michael: Oh… okay. Were you saving it? Pam’s mom: Oh, no, no, no. That’s okay. I was just--I’ve had a very rough weekend. Michael: I’m sorry. [puts food in his mouth] Ugh. Apricot. Made of real apes. Erin: Do you think they cancelled the wedding? Angela: Relax. You’ll get your shot at Jim. Those two treat the whole office like a 1970’s key party. Michael: my weekend was bad so far. Pam’s mom: Oh-- Michael: I came here hoping to meet somebody. You know, as you do at weddings. End up going to sleep by the vending machine. It was loud, but it was warm. Pam’s mom: Oh, that sounds awful. Michael: And… and the love of my life is dating somebody else. Pam’s mom: Oh-- Michael: It is a terrible year for love. Pam’s mom: Yeah. Guess it is. Michael: I’m thinking about having my sperm frozen. Tom Halpert: Excuse me, are you Michael Scott? Michel: Um, yeah. Tom: Heard you might have a whoopee cushion on you. Pete Halpert: Sisters in the can and we totally want to get her when she comes back. Michael: Oh, wow. That sounds hilarious. I do actually. [pulls whoopee cushion out of pocket and hands it to them] There you go. Use it in good health. Tom and Pete: [laughing] Yes! Meredith: Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. What is the etiquette on taking the gifts? Can you only take your own back or is it a whatever you can carry type of thing? Stanley: Anyone have anything they want to trade for a toaster? Kevin: Oh, oh, does it have slots for hot dogs? Stanley: No. Kevin: Who would want it? Oscar: Guys, maybe we should wait a little more time before we start grabbing boxes. Dwight: Toby. Toby: What? Dwight: I’d like to lodge a formal complaint against Jim for making us wait for over an hour. Toby: [sighs] Dwight: [looks over and sees hole in his present] Crap. [sees turtle on the ground, goes over and picks it up] Dwight: Come here, you. Toby: Well, I guess this weddings not going to happen. I wonder if this is it for them. [Jim and Pam walk in laughing] Pam’s dad: Hey. What happened? Ryan: Where were you guys? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting here? Jim: Well, we are here now, so let’s just-- Michael: [walks up] Yes! Yes! I have so much joy… in my heart… right now. How do I look? Jim: You look great. Pam: You look great. Tom: [looks at Jim’s cut tie] Wear a tie much? Penny: [music starts playing and people start dancing down the aisle] I begged them not to. Pam: Mm-hmm. Penny: I know you specifically put this song on your Do Not Play list. Pam: Yes, I did. Penny: I’m sorry. Pam: [smiles] Go ahead. I think it’s your turn. Penny: Wait, what happened? You’re okay with this? Pam: Yeah, I’m okay. Penny: Okay then! [takes flower girl to dance down the aisle] Michael: Hey Pam, did you see this? It was on You Tube. Pam: Saw it. Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that You Tube video. I knew we’d need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her. Kevin: What an awesome party. The best wedding I’ve ever been too. I got six numbers. One more would have been a complete telephone number. This was epic. My Kleenex shoes were a huge conversation piece, but man my dogs are barking. [sticks his feet into the hotel ice machine] Whoo. My feet were so sweaty I can’t even feel the cold. What a lovely hotel.