The Delivery (Part 2)
Written By: Charlie Grady Directed By: Harold Ramis Transcribed By: Admin [in the hospital] Jim: Pam's doing great. Uh, she's ten inches dilated now--Uh, sorry, meters-- Centimeters. Uh, and she's also fully faced. Which I don't know what that is, uh, but no baby yet. It's only been six, uh, nineteen hours. And uh, I just went out for some ice chips ‘cause I might have passed out a little bit. But these are very refreshing, very good. Nurse: Daddy? She's ready to push. Jim: Okay. [Jim goes back to the delivery room] [Michael walks down the hospital hallway with balloons] Michael: Where is my little nibblet? Halpert, room D1. Alright, family only beyond this point. Thank you. Here we go. [enters delivery room] Pam: [screams] Jim: Doing great, push again. Doctor: Not yet. Jim: No, don't push. Pull. Pull. Nurse: Why don't you get more ice chips? Pam: No, Jim, stay! Doctor: Okay. Really push this time, Pam. Pam: Okay. [Michael looks horrified as he walks from the delivery room back into the lobby, where the rest of the office employees wait] Michael: Okay. Nope, not yet, not yet, not yet. Gotta go wash my eyes. Michael: That kid's gonna have a lot of hair. [Andy enters the lobby holding a large frame] Andy: Ha--have you guys seen her? Meredith: She hasn't popped yet. Andy: What? Ah, damn it. She was supposed to come out yesterday. Andy: I decided to give baby Halpert a newspaper from the day she was born. This frame set me back fifty-five bones. But she decided to take her sweet time, so now I have to switch it with today's paper. [shows paper, front page reads “Scranton strangler strikes again”] Phyllis: This is ridiculous. We just can't wait here. Michael: I think it's gonna be any minute now. Phyllis: But you don't know that. I mean, we could be here another half an hour. Michael: Phyllis, what could you possibly have to do? Phyllis: I have an ice cream cake in the car. Michael: Oh, my God. Go, go, go! Are you insane? Alright. [Michael knocks on the door of the delivery room] Michael: Guys? Hello? Pam: [screaming] Michael: Um… sorry to be a bother, but if we could have an ETA… When this is gonna... Pam: This isn’t happening! Michael: You're starting--you're kinda losing ‘em. [baby crying] Jim: Oh, my God! Look at her! Pam, she's so beautiful! Oh, my God. Pam: Oh, my God. [baby crying] [Michael puffs on a cigar in the hospital hallway] Michael: [imitates James Cagney] Yeah… that's right. It's a baby, see… Doctor: Sir! Sir, you can't smoke that in here. Michael: Okay. Doctor: Put it--put it out. Michael: Alright. [whispers] You can't smoke anywhere these days. [Jim lays next to pam as they hold the baby] Pam: She's incredible. You wanna count her fingers and toes again? Jim: No, let's let her rest. I'm sure there's still twelve on each. Pam: Okay. [Jim enters the lobby to make an announcement] Michael: Guys, guys! Jim: Her name is Cecelia Marie Halpert. Michael: Eleven pounds... Jim: She's seven pounds… two ounces, eighteen inches. Mother and daughter are doing great. Everyone: [cheers] Michael: Ow! [shouting and scattered applause] Oscar: Congratulations. That's great. [Helene enters the room with a tray of coffees] Helene: Here. Jim: Hey, grandma's back. Helene: Well, it was an adventure and a half trying to find the cafeteria, but I have returned with the coffee. Jim: Great. Pam: Oh, thank God. I haven't had caffeine in nine months. [Jim rolls his eyes at the camera] Helene: May I? Pam: Yes. Helene: Ooh, somebody has a full diaper. Jim: Oh. Let me get it. Jim: I am a diapering master. I have done little else in the past two months. There is nothing I cannot diaper. Go ahead. Try to think of something. I dare you. [Michael enters the room] Michael: [comical voice] Where's the baby? I want to see the baby. Oh! Oh… Helene, hi. Oh. My goodness. What are the odds of this? Congratulations on being a grandma. Helene: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hello. Oh, how are you. Helene: I'm, uh... Michael: I worry about you. Helene: You know I think, uh… I think it's time for me to go. Pam: Oh, okay. [Helene kisses Pam on the cheek] Helene: Love you. Michael: Love you, as a friend. Pam: Love you, mom. [Helene leaves] Michael: Ooh! [comical voice] I want to hold the baby! Pam: Okay. You just have to use the hand sanitizer first. Michael: Alright. [uses hand sanitizer, then dries his hands on his pants] Pam: Again. No pants. Michael: Oh, okay. Jim: Ready? Michael: Mm-hmm. [Michael takes the baby] Oh… Ooh, wow. Michael. Michael. Jim: It's so weird, she was saying it just before you got here. [Dwight breaks into their house through a window, scene show Dwight rifling through drawers and Dwight: Yesterday, I was dispatched to Jim and Pam's house to find Pam's iPod. I searched everywhere, but I didn't find it. What I did find… was mold, and lots of it. So, I did what anyone would do. Read a book, had a bath, I got a good night's sleep, and I made plans to eradicate it. I also made plans to ask Jim where he bought his marvelous sheets... Time to get to work. [Dwight puts safety goggles on and begins to sledgehammer the kitchen cupboards] [Michael sits on a couch in the office and talks at everyone] Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were “insur-mountain-able.” I made a family! I got these two together, and I made a family. Andy: This man has a gift! Michael: Who else here is single? Kelly: I'm not single. I have a man. [she grasps Ryan's arm as Ryan has his hand raises to say he's single] Michael: I am offering up my services to you all. You saw what I did with Pam and Jim. I can help you, too. Stanley: Why do you find someone for yourself instead of meddling in our affairs? Michael: Okay, show of hands. Who wants to live in a world where Stanley has two lovers and you don't have any? [Stanley raises his hand] Michael: Who else? Come on! People, I know models! Ryan: [chuckles] Plus size models, maybe. Michael: Ha ha ha! You got that right! Meredith? Come on, you're obviously single. Meredith: You know it. I am never getting married. Meredith: Like Clooney. Michael: Andrew, what about you? Andy: Torn scrοtum--Still on the mend, so… Not good timing. Andy: Yes, I'm gonna ask out Erin. I'm just waiting for the stars to align… Literally. I have a small skylight in my bedroom, and I'd like for the moon to be visible. Michael: Well, when you least expect it, expect it. I am going to fill the empty voids in your life with love. I am going to fill that empty hole in your body with another person. [camera pans to Angela looking disgusted] Michael: And, like, Cupid, I am going to shoot you with love. [imitates gun firing at Andy] Andy: Ah! Michael: [imitates gun cocking and firing at Eron] Erin: Ow. Michael: [imitates gun firing at Phyllis, and brain explosion] [Pam and Jim lay in bed watching CeCe in her cradle] Pam: Remember yesterday when we were terrified of being parents? Jim: We were just kids. What did we know? Nurse: How we doing? Jim: Great. Pam: Good. Nurse: Would you like me to take her to the nursery for the night? Pam: Doesn't she sleep here? Nurse: She can. Uh, but a lot of parents choose to have the baby spend the first night in the nursery to get some rest. You've been through a lot. Jim: I think we'll be okay. Nurse: Okay, great. [Cece yawns and stretches] Pam: Oh, big yawn. [CeCe cries loudly as Pam and Jim wrap her in a swaddle] Jim: Ready? One, two, three... Pam: One, and then wrap around. It's okay. Hold that arm down. Jim: I can't. She's too strong. She's--careful, though. You don't wanna break it. Pam: She's not gonna—Just-- Jim: I got it. Alright. Pam: Go. Jim: Nurse! [Pam attempts to breastfeed] Jim: How you doing? Pam: I don't know. I just--I can't tell if she's getting anything. Jim: Really? Pam: Doesn't feel right. Jim: Well, you--you're pushing the milk out, right? Pam: How does one do that? Jim: Wasn't it--It's kinda like a--Like that. [squeezes chest together between arms] Pam: Do you wanna try it, Jim? Jim: Mm-mm. I think you're good. Doing a good job. [secretly presses the buzzer for the nurse] [Nurse enters the room] Nurse: Somebody buzzed? Jim: Oh, really? Must have sat on it, Pam. Pam: I can't tell if she's getting anything. It just doesn't really feel right. Nurse: Well, maybe we should take a break for a little while. I can take her to the nursery and then bring her back and try again a little bit later. Pam: Even if she's not getting anything? Nurse: Yeah, she'll be fine. I can always give her a bottle once we're in the nursery. Pam: No. I--I read in the book about nipple confusion. Nurse: Oh, good. You know everything. Pam: I mean, she's just--she's really tentative about latching. And I just--I wanna keep her self-esteem up. Nurse: Well, I'll bring her back in a little while and we can try again, okay? Jim: Alright. Nurse: Alright. [the nurse rolls CeCe out in her cradle] Jim: It's gonna be alright. Pam: Maybe it'll be good ‘cause then she can, like, socialize with the other babies. Jim: [laughs] No. Yeah, that would—that would be good. [Erin enters Michael’s office] Erin: You wanted to see me? Michael: What would you say, if I told you that I was about to change your life? Erin: Oh, boy! [muffled noises] Erin: What's that sound? Kevin: [as he appears from behind the door] Da-da! Michael: I would like you to meet your new boyfriend. Kevin: Yes! Erin: I don't know what to say. Kevin: Oh, say nothing. You will learn to love me. Michael: Okay! Hold on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You gotta let the cookies cool before you pop 'em in your mouth. Why don't you guys get to know each other? Maybe have lunch together? Kevin: Erin, would you have lunch with me? Erin: Okay. Michael: Good! Kevin: Yes! Erin: Michael, could I talk to you privately? Michael: Sure. Kevin, please leave. Kevin: Bye. Michael: Bye. Erin: I'm so sorry if I gave you the impression I'm into Kevin, but I'm not--I like Andy. Michael: [sighs] Okay. This is going to kill Kevin. Erin: I'm sure he'll be fine. Michael: I'm not so sure. Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally, he has an elephant heart. He had a transplant when he was seventeen. Had some problems, blah, blah, blah. Erin: Really? Michael: No. Kevin doesn't have an elephant heart. But he is very sensitive, and it won't kill Erin just to go and have lunch with him in the break room like I promised him... I bet his heart is enlarged, though. Erin: I don't want anyone to die. Michael: Just don't let him sit on you... I'm kidding. I’m kidding. You'll have fun. It'll be good. It'll be good. There he is. Go to him. [Kevin has his face pressed against the window to Michael’s office] Kevin: Hi. Erin: Hi. [Erin pats his shoulder] Kevin: [whispers] She touched my shoulder. [Nurse enters with another couple and baby] Nurse: Hey, guys. We're short on rooms, so this is Dale and Kathy. Jim: Oh. ][Jim opens the door for them] Hi. Kathy: Hi. Dale: Hi, so sorry. Jim: Careful... [moves balloons out of Kathy and Dale’s way] Jim: Wow, she just shoves the nipple right in there. Pam: I know. Jim: You see that? I'm pretty sure she's... Hi. [rock music blares as Dwight and friends continue to destroy the Halperts' kitchen with hammers] [Erin and Kevin sit at a table in the breakroom eating lunch] Erin: Did you grow up around here? Kevin: No. Erin: So… you must have grown up around somewhere else? Kevin: Yes. [Andy hides behind a plant, watching Kevin and Erin] Andy: Why was I hiding behind the plant? [laughs] Well, in college, I took a botany class, and there was lots of drama in that class. Uh, kids would gossip about me, so I would eavesdrop on them by hiding behind different plants in the botany class. And then, uh, they would say things like, "Oh, this guy's gonna fail this class," or, "What's this guy doing spying on us from behind plants?" And then I would jump out at them and confront them, and be like, "Oh, you think all I do is hide behind plants and spy on people? Busted." Oh--the reason? The reason I was hiding behind that plant in this situation was that I thought that Erin and Kevin were kind of hitting it off, and... I was jealous. [a male hospital employee enters the room] Hospital employee: Uh, hi. Pam Halpert? Pam: Yes? Hospital employee: Hi. I'm Clark. Uh, Josie said you might benefit from a lactation consultant. Pam: Um… Yeah, that would be great. Jim: Yep. Really great. When's she available? Clark: Actually, uh, I'm the consultant. Got milk? [laughs]. Alright, let's see what we're workin’ with. [Clark closes the curtain to Kathy and Dale] Pam: So, uh, biggest thing… Clark: Mm. Pam: Besides not being able to get her to latch-- Clark: I'll get that for you. Pam: Oh, thank you. Is that, um, I can't tell if I'm really producing. I--I don't know if she's getting anything. Clark: Okay. Let me feel here. Pam: Okay. Clark: Yeah, it's quite full. Why don't you put your hand on top of my hand. Pam: Okay. Clark: When you're feeding, you want to press in like this, make your hand in a “C”. Uh, does that hurt? Pam: No, I mean, it feels... pressure. Clark: Okay. Jim: Are you sure it doesn't hurt? Pam: No. It just feels like pressure. Clark: Okay, well. Feel how I'm flicking the nipple? Pam: Mm-hmm. Clark: Like that? Jim: Yep. Clark: Stimulate it. Pam: Mm-hmm. Jim: Yep. Clark: Alright, so you just wanna do that, and that will, uh... Jim: Perfect. Clark: And you can just--the baby should grab on to that. Jim: I think she will. Pam: Okay. So, I'm just not sure if I'm releasing, though. I'm not sure if-- Jim: We'll figure it out… Probably Clark: It doesn't--Why don't you bring your baby over here. Pam: Okay. Clark: She's beautiful. Pam: Aw, thank you. Clark: Yes. Congratulations. Jim: Thank you. Clark: Well, you're doing a good job. Just stay relaxed, and I'll come back in a bit to check on you. Okay? Pam: Okay. Jim: Please do. Pam: Oh, shoot. Jim: What? Pam: Shoot, she fell off. Jim: Oh. Uh, try—try the torpedo thing. Pam: Will you just--will you grab Clark real quick? Jim: No need. I saw him do it. I can try it. Pam: Um, Jim, please, please, please, I think it'd be weird if you did it. Jim: That makes sense. I'll just--go get the other guy. [Angela sits at her desk and talks on the phone to Dwight] Dwight: Hey, what's up, kid? Angela: Have you had a chance to look over the revisions on the contract I prepared for you? Dwight: Nothing left to do except dot the I's, the J's, and the umlauts. Why don't you meet me here at exactly mid-late afternoon? Angela: I look forward to it. Dwight: Very well. Angela: Goodbye. [Pam and Jim lay in the hospital bed, trying to sleep as a baby cries] Pam: Jim, Jim, get her. Jim: Hmm? Pam: Get the baby. Get her. Come on. Jim: Okay. Sh, shh, shh. I know. [Jim hands the baby to Pam] Pam: I got her. Okay. Okay. Okay... Jim! Jim: Hmm. Pam:She latched! She latched. Jim: That's amazing. Pam: Oh, my God. I didn't even have to do the "C” thing. Jim: That's awesome. Pam: Oh, we're doing it. Jim: That's great. Pam: We're really parents now. Jim: Mm… [Michael and Erin walk over to Kevin’s desk] Michael: Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you. Erin: Hey. Kevin: Hi. Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together. Kevin: Yeah, me too. Erin: I wanna continue working on our friendship… Kevin: It’s been really, really fun. Erin: Because I think a friendship could be a really cool thing. Kevin: Yeah, me too. Erin: And, you're my friend. Kevin: Yeah. Erin: I hope that I'm your friend. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Oh, my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin? Kevin: You said she liked me. Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place. Kevin: I've done better than Erin. Michael: No, you haven’t. Kevin: Lynn was way hotter than Erin, Michael. Michael: Lynn was as hot as Erin. Kevin: Yeah, Michael, but you dated Holly and Jan, and they were so much hotter than you. Michael: This isn't about me, and that is debatable. And I have a personality, where as you... Yes, Andy? Andy: [Andy hits his head on the desk after ducking out of the way from hiding behind a plant] Andy: Ow. Michael: Kev... [Kevin walks away] Michael: Nice. Going. Erin: Well... [Isabel enters the room, Pam and Jim are asleep, Pam still holds the baby] Isabel: Knock, knock. Pam: [whispers] Oh, hey, Isabel. Jim: Hey. Isabel: Hey. Pam, she's gorgeous. Oh, my--can I hold her? Pam: Yes, yes. She was a little fussy earlier, but she's totally quieted down. Here, let me just, uh--let me just burp her. I don't want her to spit up on you. Come here, sweetie. [gasps] Oh, my God! Jim: What? Pam: Wrong baby! Jim: What? Pam: Wrong baby. This is not our baby! Jim: Oh, my God! Pam: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. [Pam passes the baby to Jim] Jim: Okay, okay. [Jim places the baby back in the cradle] [baby starts to fuss, Jim rolls the cradle back to Kathy’s bedside] Kathy: [waking up] Oh… shh…has she been fussing long? Pam: No, not at all. Jim: Perfect. Kathy: I was out like a light... Oh, she's not hungry. Aw. [Nurse enters the room] Nurse: How's it going? Pam: Well… I feel like she needs to eat, but she won't latch on, which is weird, because the other baby did-- Jim: [coughs and laughs] Nurse: Bottles are fine. A lot of babies grow up using bottles. So are you excited to bring your baby home? Jim: We definitely are. At 3 o’clock, right? You said we could stay until 3:00? Nurse: Yeah, you can. It's 2:35. Jim: Half hour. Nurse: Well, twenty-five minutes. And you're all set with the car seat? Jim: Yes, car seat's right there. Nurse: That bottom part needs to go in the car. Jim: Newsflash--the whole thing needs to go in the car. Nurse: [chuckles weakly] Be back in twenty-five minutes. Jim: Or it could be a half hour, if you need it to be. Can we get a late checkout? I don't... I don't think she heard me. [Isabel enters the Halpert house to see Dwight and friends renovating the kitchen] Isabel: Hello? Dwight? What--what are you doing here? Dwight: Isabel. Hello. Yeah, the, uh… kitchen was disgusting, so... Isabel: Wow. [chuckles] New cabinets. Dwight: Yeah. Isabel: All I did was bring macaroni and cheese. Dwight: [laughs] Isabel: Where's the fridge? Dwight: Oh, it's... In the backyard. I'll take this. Isabel: Oh... Well, I'll let you get back to it. Dwight: Hey, listen. I know that I'm an adult, but maybe I could come by sometime for a teeth cleaning. You know, just for fun. Isabel: Well, adults are supposed to go to the dentist, too. Dwight: Are they, now? [chuckles] How some people spend their money. Right? [laughs] Isabel: Yeah... Dwight: Alright. I'll call you, kid. Isabel: Do that. [Pam and Jim leave hospital, Pam is being wheeled out by a hospital employee] Jim: Are you really sure we should be leaving? Hospital employee: Yeah. Jim: But you hear the baby crying, right? Hospital employee: Mm-hmm... Where's your car? Jim: Uh, it's in the lot. Hospital employee: Oh, a lot of fathers bring their car around. Jim: Right. Okay. Yes. That’d be the smart thing to do. Uh, Pam, I will be right back. Pam: Okay. Please hurry. [Andy walks up to Erin at reception] Andy: Erin, uh… I need you to send this fax immediately. It's really important, so I'm gonna stand here and wait for the confirmation. Erin: Okay. Good. Andy: The fax says… "Erin, will you have dinner with me?" From Andy.” And the number is our office fax number. [Erin attempts to fax note unsuccessfully] Erin: It's busy. Why don't I keep trying, and then I'll give you the confirmation in a bit? Andy: Well, sorry That's unacceptable. I need you to send it immediately, or you're fired. Erin: [tearing up] You can't talk to me like that. I didn't do anything wrong. I've been having a tough day today, and it-- Andy: Oh, God, no. I'm--Just read the fax. Erin: You read the fax! Andy: I'm--I'm asking you out. Erin: [laughs] Oh, my God. That's amazing. Let me just fax this, and I'll check my planner. Andy: So, it's a date. Erin: Yes. Do you have a day in mind? Andy: Yeah, what day? What day? Erin: Everyday is fine. Or-- Andy: Well, that’s--what's that one? Erin: Thursday? Andy: Okay. Let's do it. Erin: Okay. [Pam sits in a wheelchair nursing CeCe out front of the hospital] Hospital employee: Would you like me to help you up out of the chair? Pam: Oh, yeah. Sorry. Hospital employee: Yeah, we just got a lot of discharges today. Pam: Okay. Alright, thanks. Hospital employee: Alright. [Pam sits on a bench out front of the hospital, CeCe cries] Pam: You wanna eat? Let’s--You wanna try eating? Okay. Okay. Come on. Just you and me. It’s just you and me. Come on. Ready? Here we go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like that. Oh, there we go. You got it. [Jim runs over to Pam] Jim: Five tickets on the windshield... Hey. Pam: Hi. We did it. Jim: You used my move, didn't you? Pam: I used a variation of your move. [Michael sits at his desk and smokes a cigar] Michael: There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles, and find true love. And that’s what I thought that Erin and Kevin were going to find today. [puffs on cigar] Th--I think I'm gonna be sick. [leans over trashcan] [Dwight and Angela finalise their contract at the Halpert’s house] Dwight: Two forms of ID, please. Angela: And now you--two forms of ID, please. Alright, all is in order. I just need your signature. What is it? Dwight: Nothing. [sings the contract] Angela: Alright. How would you like to celebrate? Dwight: Just pour yourself a cup of apple juice. I feel sick. [Jim and Pam walk into their house with the baby] Dwight: I couldn't find the iPod... Give me a couple days… I'll be out of your hair.