Classy Christmas (Part 2)
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Rainn Wilson Transcribed By: Admin Pam: Hey guys, the tree’s here. Michael: Hey. Andy: Nobody hug me, I’m covered in tree sap, so… Oscar: Why would someone hug you? Michael: Hey there, Jada. Nice to see you again. I’m Santa Claus. Welcome. Darryl: Are you serious? Michael: It’s a sophisticated take. Jada: He doesn’t look like Santa Claus. Darryl: No, he doesn’t. [to Michael] I told her Santa would be here. Michael: Yeah, well, I was told that Holly would be here, single and ready to date. And we all got misled. Pam: Who told you that? Michael: Nora Ephron, in every romantic comedy ever made. Phyllis: So, is it an open relationship? Holly: Oh, God, no. Kelly: Well, you’re almost 40. Oh, do you not want kids? Holly: Oh, I want kids. I really want kids. But AJ and I are practically engaged. We talk about spending our lives together. Kelly: So, where’s the ring? Pam: Kelly! Um, how are you adjusting to the move? Phyllis: Nobody cares about that. Look, you have to make him commit, or kick his butt to the curb. Pam: You guys, I don’t think any of us are really qualified to be giving Holly personal advice about her love life. Erin: Yeah, I mean, maybe Holly’s not in any position to be shooing guys away. Erin: I don’t get it! I’m sorry. I just, I don’t get it! Holly: Okay, listen, I’m gonna tell him that if he doesn’t propose by the end of this year, we’re over. Pam: Wow, an ultimatum. Holly: Yeah. Pam: It doesn’t really seem like you. Kelly: That is a great idea. Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. Dwight: [turns in Pam’s chair with a Pam wig on and laughs maniacally] Jim: Don’t. Stop, Dwight! [Dwight pelts Jim with snowballs] Dwight, stop! Dwight, stop! Dwight: Oh, no. Oh, no! Jim: Stop! Dwight: Oh, no. Yes, taste my wrath! Jim: Okay. Okay. Okay. Dwight: Huh? You like that? Jim: Seriously! Dwight: Huh? Jim: Okay. Okay. [Dwight throws another snowball and laughs maniacally] Dwight: Yes, I have a wig for every single person in the office. You never know when your gonna need to bear a passing resemblance to someone. Jim: I just want it to stop. Pam: So, cool right? Ryan: There’s no connection between the origin story and the quest. Pam: Okay. Ryan: We need to know who Jimmy Halpert was before he was bitten by the bear. Otherwise, it’s the bear’s quest. Pam: Okay, well, I just sorta meant, like, cute, right? Ryan: Well, did you come here for help, or did you come here for me to tell you how great it is? Pam: I mean, help, if it’s something simple, like add page numbers or laminate it or… Ryan: Well, it sounds like you know what you want. [Pam walks away] It’s also a little derivative of a serias called ‘Bear Man’. Did you look that up? Pam: No. Ryan: Okay. Toby: Oh, Jim. Hey. Jim: Hey, Toby. Toby: There’s this female uh, uh, stenographer at the courthouse… Jim: No way. Toby: Who looks exactly like you. Jim: That’s increadible. Toby: Yeah. No, it’s uncanny. Jim: You know what’s crazy? Toby: What? Jim: I can’t reconnect with you right now. Hold on one second. [he hurls a snowball at Dwight with a lacrosse stick, misses, and shatters a window, everyone gasps] Excuse me. [clears throat] Michael: I guess there are just some people who you stay together with when you transfer, and some people you don’t. And that’s just the way it is. And I can be mature about that. [clip of Michael throwing Holly’s Woody in the trash and pouring coffee on it] Angela: It’s so cold. Even with my coat on. Meredith: Maybe your senator boyfriend has a blanket in his car… for screwing Americans. Gabe: Yet another opportunity where a blanket would have come in handy. Holly: You guys, this has to stop. Someone could have really gotten hurt. Michael: What if Meredith was taking her smoking break below that window? You know what would have happened? The shards of glass would have shaved her face right off. And, yes, it might have been funny. But it also would have been incredibly tragic. Dwight: I could not agree more. And just want to state for the record that I am intending to sue Jim for acute psychological distress. Jim: What are you talking about? You’re the one terrorising me. Dwight: With snowballs, Jim? With fluffy little snowballs? No. I thought we were just playing. Holly: Dwight’s right. What you did was dangerous and inappropriate. I’m really surprised at you guys. Last time I was here, you were both best friends. Michael: All this arguing reminds me of a very funny story. You see this on my desk? [he holds up a toy taxicab] Know who gave me this? My girlfriend Tara, who lives in New York City. Dwight: Wait, what girlfriend? Michael: I haven’t told you about her. Dwight: I find that unlikely. You email me when you get a new zit. Michael: I’m a man in my mid-40s and I still get zits. I think that’s pretty interesting. But you know what? I am not on trial here. The Scranton strangler is. So, anyway, we have this great weekend, and she drives me to the airport, and we get to JFK, but I am flying out of LaGuardia. So, we laugh and laugh and laugh, and then we spend the rest of the day walking around Slo-mo, drinking latte. And at the end of the day, she gives me this, and she says, “Michael, maybe next time, you should take a cab.” Holly: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend. Michael: I do. She is. Michael: Did you see her face? Well, it seems to me that there is a person sitting out there in the annex that still has feelings for Michael G. Scott. And it ain’t Tara. Phyllis: So, you went homemade this year. Pam: Yup. Phyllis: Yeah. Money problems, is that what this is about? I mean, oh, dear, I don’t think we can help you out. Pam: No, no. Jim had a great year, actually. I just wanted to get your opinion. Phyllis: Are you good at homemade? Pam: Look at this. Phyllis: Yeah… Holly: [walks in with a dirty Woody] Who did this? It’s obvious to me I’m not welcome here, but somebody better tell me who did this, or else I’m leaving. Phyllis: Well, I don’t think Erin seems to like you. Erin: That’s not true. I don’t know her enough to make a decision even. Michael: What happened? What happened? Toby, what did you do? I think Toby’s very jealous of all the attention you’ve been getting. Toby: No, I would never ever do anything like that. But it does seem like something you would do. Michael: Oh, really? Turn it on me. Well, isn’t that nice? Thank you very much. Kevin: Wait, wait, guys, listen. Toy Story is all about toys that come to life when people aren’t looking. You don’t think… it’s not possible… that Woody did this to himself. Michael: It is Christmas. Angela: No, it really seems like something Michael would do. Michael: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Well, the fact that you would think that points to the possibility that it is probably not me. And that I have been framed. Andy: Why would anyone frame you for that? Jim: Okay, I’m sorry, why are we discounting this whole “Woody came to life” thing so quickly? Michael: Ahhhhhh! [laughs] Surprise! It was part of the party. Pretty funny, huh? Holly: You think this is funny? Michael: [laughs] I don’t. But someday I think we will laugh about this… when we tell our kids… Jim: Yikes. [everyone gasps] Kevin: Oh no, that’s, that’s not happening. Dwight: Dear God in heaven. Michael: All right. Shh. Okay, you know what? Holly, I didn’t mean to do it. It was an accident. An accident borne of jealous feelings. Holly: Michael, you have to let this go. I’m with someone else. I don’t feel that way anymore. Michael: Oh, really? You certainly seemed jealous when I told you about my fake girlfriend. That’s what Jim and Dwight thought. Dwight: Okay, hey, hey, hey… Jim: No, fake girlfriends are always wrong. Holly: You made up a fake girlfriend to see if I’d get jealous? And you destroyed a gift my boyfriend gave me? What is the matter with you? Michael: When you got transferred, and I drove you up to Nashua, you said, “Michael, I love you, but I can’t do this.” But then, with this other guy, you don’t have any problem with a long-distance relationship, do you? And you know what, that is what is the matter with me. Holly: Michael, I’m sorry. Michael: And we did this whole stupid party for you. Erin: [blocks Holly’s path] No. Holly: You guys, it wasn’t my fault. Kevin: Oh, nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us! Erin: I really think you’re better off. Michael: Mmm. Erin, would you do me a favor and find my street clothes for me, please? Erin: Yeah. Is she an amazing cook or something? Jim: [walks over to his desk and sees a present sitting on it, reading the note] “Hey, Pickles, Merry Christmas. Open immediately. Love, Swiss Cheese.” [opens the present and a snowball shoots out at him, everyone laughs] Damn it, Dwight! Dwight: Didn’t think your affectionate nicknames would be your undoing, did you, Jim? Let that be a lesson to you all. Stanley: So, do they bring in food, or do you get to go out? Toby: No, they bring it in. Stanley: You lucky son of a bitch. Stanley: I have been trying to get on jury duty every single year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit in an air-conditioned room downtown, judging people while my lunch is paid for… that is the life. Jada: Daddy, I’m bored. Can I read my book in your office? Darryl: Sure, sweetie. Pam: Jada, Darryl, I’m so glad I found you guys. A grinch stole the star from on top of the Christmas tree and is hiding it in the warehouse somewhere. You want to go help me find him? Pam: Oh, my goodness. Andy: I am the mean old grinch. The little girl who wishes to win back the Christmas star must first succeed at these challenges. Darryl: Ohh, that sounds fun and Christmasy, you mean old grinch! Jada: What kind of challenges. Andy: Wahhh… Pam: Something like an obstacle course, Mr. Grinch? Andy: No. You must answer topical political questions. How many congressmen is the state of Pennsylvania guaranteed? And what other state has the equal number? Jada: I don’t know. Andy: Do you know the other state? Darryl: Maybe the grinch hid the Christmas star, and we could ask for clues, and he’ll tell us if we’re hot or cold. Andy: The star has been hidden. Is the little girl hot or cold? Well, it turns out she’s burning up because the star is right behind her ear! [pulls star from coat and pretends to find it behind Jada’s ear] Darryl: And the game’s over seconds later. Angela: I’m so glad you could come. Robert: It’s nice. I know. Angela: Hey everybody, this is my boyfriend, Senator Robert Lipton. Robert: Hi. Oscar: Senator, it’s an honor. I’m Angela’s friend Oscar. Robert: Oscar. A pleasure. Oscar: Robert seems great. He’s very handsome, firm handshake, he’s gay, good sense of humor. AJ: Hi. Erin: Hello. AJ: I’m, uh, I’m AJ. I’m here to see Holly. It’s kind of a surprise. Erin: I know who you are, and I think you should go. Kevin: I bet you didn’t even bring us anything, did you? AJ: Was I supposed to bring you guys something? Holly: What? AJ! AJ: Surprise. Holly: What are you doing here? Oh, my God. AJ: I wanted to see you. How are you? Holly: Wow! Nice. AJ: Oh, God, you look great. Holly: Oh… when did you get here? AJ: Just now. Michael: Hey AJ: Just now. Hey, Michael. Michael: Nice to see you again, AJ. Welcome. AJ: Pleased to see you. Thank you. Michael: Good trip down? AJ: Yeah, it was great. Michael: Good, good. Good to see you. Have fun. Enjoy the partay. Michael: I am dead inside. Darryl: What do you want, baby? We got some granola, got some cupcakes, chips, apples, pies… Jada: You have a whole room of vending machines? Creed: [chuckles] I know. Isn’t it something? Jada: I can’t decide what I want. Darrly: [handing out vending machine items to everyone] Merry Christmas. Jada: Merry Christmas. Pam: Thank you. Jada: And Merry Christmas. Meredith: Thank you. Jada: And Merry Christ… mas. Robert: Thank you so much. Jada: Merry Christmas. And Merry Christmas. Oscar: Merry Christmas to you. Jada: Merry Christmas. Bass Player: Oh, thank you. Kevin: [Oscar unwraps a pair of Uggs] For your feet! Ryan: [holding a knitted iPad case] It’s amazing. It’s so great. Thank you. Creed: [Angela hands Creed a pack of deodorant] For me? Angela: Yes. Creed: Thank you very much. Angela: Mmhmm. Angela: I don’t know if you guys have had a chance to use the new parking meters that accept credit cards, but Robert was instrumental in that legislation. Kevin: Wow, that’s awesome! Oscar: A real David and Goliath story. Robert: I’m just so touched that she’s so interested in my work. Angela: I am. Meredith: The real problem is the teachers’ union. Angela: Zip it, Meredith. Meredith: No. You tell me why my kid is 17 and still can’t read. Ryan: Hey, who’s in charge of making drinks around here? Is there a bartender? Angela: You are. You make your own drink. [Ryan groans] Oscar: I’ll make it. What are you drinking. Ryan: An ‘F’ train to Brooklyn. Extra bitters. Oscar: I don’t know how to make that. Ryan: Okay, well, I’ll just stick with my mojito. Angela: And you know those annoying geese at the park? Well, he’s helping eradicate them as well. I mean, I think they’ve really become a pest. Meredith: Annoying. Angela: Yes. Pam: [Jim hits a ceiling panel] I don’t think he’s in the ceiling, babe. Jim: Well, uh… I don’t think any of us really know. Alright. [Jim hands Pam a present] Pam: Is it… is it pebbles from that beach in Jamaica? [she shakes it] Jim: Ooh, go easy with the shaking. Pam: [lifting up a diamond bracelet] Oh, my God. Jim: You like it? Pam: I love it. Jim: Yup, I do make great Christmas gifts. But I couldn’t make that. Jim: Alright, my turn. Pam: Oh, um, it’s just, I didn’t, I didn’t have a lot of time, so that’s just a place holder. Jim: Right. Of course. [reading the comic book] “The Adventures of Jimmy Halpert.” Oh, my God. This is awesome! That’s my bike. That’s my desk. And that is my daughter. Jim: I mean… [speechless] Pam: Michael, wait! Michael: Oh, hey, hey, no, don’t run. You’re gonna slip. Pam: That’s good advice. Michael: Yup. I read this story about a woman who slipped on some black ice, and she hit her head and went into a coma forever. And then every day, her husband went and visited her in the hospital until she died. Pam: That’s a sad story. Michael: [voice breaking] Yeah, well, at least he was married. Pam: Oh, okay, Michael, slow down. Everything’s gonna be okay. Michael: No, it’s not. It’s not. Oh, man, I can tell you confidently that it is not gonna be okay. Pam: I shouldn’t tell you this, but… AJ won’t commit to Holly. And she’s gonna tell him that if he doesn’t propose to her by the end of the year, it’s over. Michael: Really? Pam: Really. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t know of a lot of happy marriages that start off with an ultimatum, do you? Michael: No. Pam: So just be patient. Michael: Yeah. I mean, I can wait till then. Come here. I don’t want you to fall. Jim: I surrender. Dwight: I do not accept your surrender. There’s only one way that I would ever relent. Jim: Anything. You got it. Dwight: You hit Pam in the face with a snowball while I watch. Jim: You’re a psychopath. Dwight: I’ll take that as a no. Michael: I was in the mall, and I saw that, and I thought it had your name written all over it. Kelly: Michael, this is the gift that corporate gave us that I picked out. You’re re-gifting this to me. Michael: No, that’s not… no, I went to the mall and I picked that out especially for you. Kelly: Oh, yeah? Well, show me the receipt. Michael: [hands Kelly a receipt from his wallet] From the mall. That… Kelly: This is a fast-food receipt from April. Michael: Well, that… Kelly: God, how many number nines did you order? AJ: Is everyone here kind of mean? Holly: Oh, I think everyone’s on edge because of the strangler trial. AJ: Oh. Holly: Hey, I’m so glad you came down. It’s been so much harder than I expected. AJ: Hey, what happened to Woody? Holly: Oh, okay, get ready for this. You’re not gonna believe it. I was making salad, and he fell right into the dressing. I mean, there was salad dressing all over him. AJ: He smells awful. Holly: It was blue cheese dressing. AJ: Great. Darryl: Hey, Mike. Michael: Hey. Darryl: We wanted to give you something. Michael: Oh. Jada: Merry Christmas. Michael: Thank you. A Hostess apple pie! This is my favorite breakfast. How did you know that? Thank you very much. Darryl: What do you say? Jada: You’re welcome. Michael: Oh, you know, I seem to remember that Santa promised that he would listen to all the gifts you wanted for Christmas. Didn’t he say that? Jada: Yeah. Michael: I think I know where he is. Jada: A trampoline… Michael: Mmhmm. Jada: Video games. Michael: Video games. Jada: A DSi. Michael: A DSi? Jada: A horse. Michael: A horse. Jada: A pool. Michael: You, are you sure you don’t want a pony? You want a real horse? Jada: Yes. Michael: All right. You have to pick up after them. Pam: Hey, sorry. I’m ready. Jim: I don’t want to go. Pam: Oh… come on, bear man. Come on. [the lights flicker] Jim: Have you ever seen ’em do that? [walk outside and the parking lot is covered with snowmen] Pam: I’m sorry. I had no idea. Jim: No, it’s, it’s okay. Okay. Pam: Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Jim: Okay. This is it. Pam: What? Jim: Go! Go! Go! Pam: What? What is it? What? What is, oh, my God! [Jim starts attacking snowmen] Pam: Honey? Jim? Jim! Dwight: In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas.