Search Committee (Part 2)
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Jeffrey Blitz Transcribed By: Admin Nellie Bertram: First, I’ll take down the cubicle walls. Toby: But there aren’t… Nellie: Symbol of transparency. There’d be no titles. Everyone would have the same job. Same goes for me. I’d take your job, but I’d reject the title. Gabe: A little un-specific. Nellie: Everyone would be known for their accomplishments. Jim: That’s very interesting. Um, I feel like there might be a conflict there, and if a conflict did arise, how would that be dealt with? Nellie: Ooh? Yeah. Mm. Scratch everything from before. I tell you what I’d do. Go the other way. More cubicles. More division. Everyone is somebody’s boss, and that person can fire the person below them. [overlapping comments by the Search Committee] At least once a month, the lowest performing person… [does a cut-throat hand gesture] bye bye! Gabe: How would you compare, like, an accountant and HR? Nellie: Well, I’ll tell you how. Shall I? I’ll tell you how. Gabe: Okay. Nellie: By splitting the difference. Just--just, somewhere in the middle. Jim: I think that’s probably all we need to hear from… Nellie: Zen office. Hmm? Thought of that? That’s what I’d do. Everyone takes their shoes off, before they come in. Okay. There’d be no desks. You just sit on the floor. Jim: That’s very… Nellie: You’ve got a Thai woman, out in the back. Sockee! Sockee! Gabe: Okay, that’s not gonna be… Nellie: Sockee, is her name. Okay? She’s administering massage, all right, if you need it. If you don’t, whatever, just talk to her! She’s a person! Either way, 50 minutes of that and you…you are cracking to go. [smiles] Oscar: Is there a front runner? Jim: You know what? They all just sort of blend together after a while. Oscar: Well, there must be someone who stands out. Jim: No, not at all. In fact, I’m not even taking it seriously. I think at the end of the day, I’m just gonna pick a name out of the hat. Oscar: Well… Stanley: The hell you will! I worked for the last boss for 15 years. According to my doctor, I don’t have another 15 years if I want to keep up the same dietary and sexual lifestyle, which I intend to. Ryan: [in mock seriousness] Oh no, Stanley… you’ll live forever… Stanley: My next boss will be my last boss. He’ll be at my funeral. So, I would appreciate it if you would take this seriously. [Stanley dunks his half-eaten donut in Jim’s coffee, takes it back out, and leaves] Jim: Uh-- Meredith: You pick a crappy boss, you’re responsible for my crappy life. [leaves] Jim: Okay, everybody, I was just making a joke. I am taking it seriously, I promise. Oscar: Are you? [leaves] Ryan: Little advice? Take a day off from the whole Jim schtick. Try caring about something. You might like how it feels… James. [closes his office door, leaving Jim alone in the break room] Jo: [walks in with her dogs] Gabe, honey! Oh, lord. Take all this. [gives the dog leashes and multiple bags to Gabe] Gabe: All right. Jo: Here. Jim! Did you hear Stern this morning? Jim: No, was it good? Jo: Ohh, Robin was good. She’s always good. Keeps him on his toes. Its Howard’s show though. [picks up resume from Jim’s desk] Whose is this? Darryl Philbin. Ohh. Very nice to see a familiar face on top. Ah… a little long, aren’t we? Four pages? Is this the same Darryl Philbin who’s had two jobs in ten years at one company? Darryl: Yes, thanks to you, who promoted me, after we, uh, interfaced. Jo: Coordinated and implemented receipt storage and delivery of over 2.5 billion units of inventory. 2.5 billion, Darryl? 2.5 billion units of what? Darryl: Paper material, ma’am. Jo: Paper material? Darryl: [softly] Pieces of paper. [Jo rolls her eyes] Dwight: [clears throat] Jo, may I speak to you for a second? Jo: Or what? You gonna shoot me? Dwight: Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ohh, I enjoy laughing at my mistakes, because I’ve learned so much from them. I’d like to be interviewed for the position. Jo: I’ll interview you right now. Dwight: Okay. Jo: Question 1. Ever shot a gun in the office? Dwight: It’s complicated. Jo: Yeah, but see… it’s not. Phyllis: I don’t think we should tell her. Angela went a whole day without telling me I had lettuce in my teeth. Screw her. Pam: I’m a woman. I would want to know. Meredith: Yeah, you gotta know. Kevin: Okay, but if Angela can get a gay man to marry her, maybe I could get a lesbian to marry me? Huh? Huh? That’s hot. Oscar: You have met a lesbian in real life, right? Phyllis: You know, this is probably her last chance at a family. Pam: She does seem happy. Oscar: You’re right. You’re right. She seems happy. We don’t tell her. Kevin: We don’t tell her. Pam: Okay. Kelly: Excuse me, Ms. Bennett, may I have a word? Jo: Okay. Kelly: Uh… can it be in private? [to Gabe] Don’t worry, it’s not about you. [Gabe smiles and leaves] As Minority Executive, I think it’s my responsibility to let you know that Gabe is gross. I don’t think it’s professional that he was sleeping with the receptionist, and then when Erin dumped him, so that she could be with Andy, he became a total crazy stalker psycho. Jo: Welcome to Scranton, Jo. Land of a thousand problems only you can fix. [Jo’s phone starts vibrating, she picks it up and sees Dwight has texted her “Dwight’s ability as a manager has led him to higher levels of proffesional success,”] Oh for god’s sake. He’s texting me his resume one line at a time. These are costing me ten cents a piece, you jackass! I’m roaming! Creed: [to Jordan] Get me our biggest client on the phone, right this instant. [closes his office door] Jordan: Who is our biggest client? Pam: Uh, just put him through to me. Jordan: [laughs] Okay. Pam: Hello! This is… the client. Creed: It’s Creed. FYI, I’m starting my own paper company, looking to poach some chumps, you in? Pam: Yes. Creed: Hehehe, cool. Let’s keep this on the QT, okay? I uh, I don’t want you to be a dead mamma jamma. Pam: Great. Creed: All right, thank you, bye-bye. Pam: Thank you, bye-bye. Erin: [knocks and enters] Jo, you have one more candidate. He’s a burn victim. Jo: Huh? Erin: [motions toward her face] He’s all messed up. I can tell him to get lost if you want. Jo: No, send him in. [to Search Committee] Who is this? Gabe: I have no idea. Jim: [seeing Dwight wearing sunglasses and whose face and hands are completely covered in gauze] Oh, I know this guy. [Dwight awkwardly hands copies of his resume to the Search Committee] Hello! Mr. “Soo-ven-yay.” Mr. “Jacques Soo-ven-yay.” Nice to meet you. It says here you’re French. [Dwight nods] So you worked at your last job for 15 years as Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: [mumbling through the gauze] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: [again] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: What is it? Dwight: [in a cheesy French accent] Assistant Regional Manager. Jim: Oh, that’s my mistake, sorry about that. The last paper company you worked for burned to the ground? And all because they wouldn’t hire a manager who lived and breathed paper? That’s a travesty. Jo: I want to talk to Dwight Schrute for a second. I want to ask him a question. [Gabe gets up to leave] If he isn’t here in sixty seconds… Dwight: Uhh. Wait. Wait! No. Stop! Stop. Jo… [takes off sunglasses and reveals his face] It’s me. I’m Dwight. Jim: [looks extremely confused] No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you’re Dwight, and then… he’s the… [trails off] Dwight: [whispers] Yeah. Jim: [looks astonished] Ohhhh! Gabe: Very unprofessional, “Jacques.” Or, should I say, Dwight. Jo: Let’s just say I had hired this, Jack Souvenir. Then what? Dwight: I would have dressed this way every day, legally changed my name, learned French sign language, shown up, and been the best damn branch manager you’d ever seen! Jo: All that for this job. Dwight: Yes. Jo: That’s f***ing crazy. [Jo and Dwight both smile] Get outta here. [Dwight leaves] What a nutjob. Jim: This guy was good. Although, he did keep saying that he needed two weeks off right at the beginning for a trip to the finger lakes. Seriously. Every five minutes, he was like, “just making sure the finger lakes thing is clear.” Jo: Okay, it’s fun to talk about the rejects, but uh, who’s got ya excited? Jim: Finger Lakes guy is good. Darryl is also very good. Jo: Who’s this fella? Went to Cornell. What’s wrong with him? Gabe: How much time do you have? Sales ability? None. Integrity? See sales ability. [makes a “zero” hand gesture] Jo: And that’s your unbiased opinion. Gabe: Yes, it is. Jo: So, it’s not relevant that he took the receptionist away from you? Gabe: Oh, Jo. Jo, I’m disappointed in you. Some people let personal things into the workpl-. Is she with him? Because I thought that she was… Jo: Gabe…ugh… you got all close to these people. Got involved in their lives. Let’s get you back to Florida. We’ll figure out something for you. Gabe: That sounds like a promotion! Jo: It’s not. Let’s get Kelly in here to take his place. Jim: Um… why Kelly? Jo: ‘Cause Gabe’s tall and weak. She’s short and strong. I’m doing an opposites thing. Jim: Okay. Jo: How’d my girl Nellie do? Jim: Oh, I didn’t know you knew her? Jo: She didn’t mention it? Jim: No. Jo: Integrity move. I like it. Jim: You know, she also gave me a reason to think that maybe she wasn’t a good fit. Jo: Well, I’m not saying you must hire her. If you find someone who’s clearly a fit, then fine. Just make sure they fit real good. No more manager turnover. Don’t mess this up, Jim. And give Dwight an interview. I like a little bit of crazy. Erin: [hiding under desk, raises a sock puppet up, talking in high-pitched voice] Ahh! Oscar: Erin, what are you doing? Erin: I’ve been turned into a puppet! Oscar: Okay. [walks away] Kevin: [giggling, walks to Erin’s desk] Look at the puppet! Hi, puppet! Who are you? Erin: I went to drop off the FedEx forms and an evil witch named Angela turned me into a puppet! Kevin: [giggles] Yeah. Low blow, puppet. Erin: And there’s only one thing that can change me back into a real girl. Kevin: It’s good. It’s just that I wish the puppets would talk more about the alphabet. Not for me… but, if any kids are watching… A, B, and so forth. You know… M-N-L-O, P… F… Erin: [as sock puppet] I need the most special thing in the office. Dwight: Silence? Erin: A date with the best salesman… Andy Bernard! [Andy walks over to Erin’s desk] Andy: Hey, Erin. Erin: [gets up] Oh. Andy: Where’d you learn how to puppet like that? Erin: [shrugs] I’ve done it all my life. Andy: Listen, I’m really flattered, but I don’t think we should. Andy: Erin’s my best friend in this office, hands down, but… when she asked me out, I just didn’t have that feeling, you know? [clip jumps ahead] Aren’t there some things that you really want to like, but you just can’t… seem to like it, like, Mad Men… or football… [clips jump ahead] Let’s not forget, Erin chose Gabe over me. That happened. I’m not going to apologise for getting over her, okay? I’m sorry. [clip jumps ahead] I would go for someone who’s more… she’s great, though. Angela: [loudly] Stanley, I won’t be able to invite everyone to the wedding, because we want to keep it to 350. Stanley: I’ll get over it. Angela: I mean, we just have to see how many Senators and members of Congress want to attend, before we can open it up to regular people. Pam, you know how you and Jim did your ironic wedding? [Pam looks confused] Do you still have the plans for the dream wedding that you couldn’t afford? Pam: That was our dream wedding. Angela: Niagara Falls? Pregnant? That was your dream? Pork medallions? Pam: [looks over at Oscar, who is quietly watching this happen] I hope… you have a very beautiful wedding, Angela. Angela: Hmm. Jim: All right. Name. Dwight: Dwight Schrute. Jim: Thank you, Mr. Schnoot. [closes his binder] We will let you know. Dwight: You have to interview me… Jim: I just did. The answer to that one question told me everything I need to know. Dwight: I demand more questions! Jim: [ignoring Dwight] All right, guys, good day, a lot of candidates. Let’s discuss. Dwight: Okay! If you’re not going to interview me, then I’ll do it. Jim: Yes. Dwight: What will be your first priority? I will have seven first priorities. Safety, profits, fostering a community of self-reliance and entrepreneurship, listening, respect for human life, bolstering our public image, and… [chuckles] getting everyone home on time. Dwight, let me be frank. In an accident that no one can blame you for, an antique gun was discharged while you were acting manager. How are we ever to trust you again? [whispering] That’s a great question. [Jim nods] I am going to institute a strict no-firearms policy for this office that extends to myself as well. Wow. All of my concerns are disappearing. Jim: Thank you, Dwight. Dwight: Thank you. [clears throat and gets up] You’ll be hearing from us shortly, Mr. Schrute, and I think you’re gonna like the call you’re going to receive. [smiles] Oh, come on. I’m just happy that I got this meeting. [leaves] Jim: Well, that was quick. Kelly: [sighs] Very, very interesting. And you know what? I’m impressed. Jim: He’s not a real candidate. Kelly: I don’t know, Jim, ’cause, makes me think about something my grandfather used to say, which is that, sometimes, the hand that jumps out of the grave and grabs you around the throat; that is the hand that you want on the wheel. Jim: You took the deal. Kelly: Yeah, it was a great deal. Jim: That’s not okay. Kelly: I don’t know. Dwight seems like a great leader to me, and I look forward to the personal perks that he promised me privately. What do you think, Toby? Toby: Well, we could try him out for a little while… [Jim drops his pen, looks exasperated] and if it doesn’t work out, you know, maybe one of us could, you know, step in… Jim: What is happening right now? Phyllis: Is it true that you’re making Dwight the manager? Jim: No, why would you think that? Phyllis: He and Kelly said, then they pre-fired me. Jim: Okay. [walks out of conference room] Okay, guys, just so you all know, no decision has been made, and Dwight is definitely not the boss. Kelly: That is correct. Actually, Dwight is not the manager yet. Jim: No, no, no. Not ever, ’cause that’s not gonna happen. Dwight: Well, it’s not entirely up to you, is it? Seems to me like someone’s getting a little power mad. Jim: Am I the only one who remembers what he did when he was in charge? I feel like I’m going a little bit crazy. Andy: Tuna… You’re completely sane. Jim: Thank you. Andy: Who do you like for the job? Is there anyone who maybe was a little underwhelming at first, but now seems like a safe, if not slightly unexciting, choice? Jim: Okay, seems like everybody has an opinion. So, who else? Anybody? Kevin: Do you mean it? Anybody? Are you sure? Jim: [while sighing] I suppose I am. Kevin: Okay… well what do ‘I’ want in a manager? Let me see. [walks slowly across the office] What do ‘I’ want? Oscar: I don’t think he meant, that– Kevin: So now anyone gets to talk at any times? Oscar: Go ahead. Kevin: What do ‘I’ want? I’m looking for someone… who… [smiles] Everyone is listening to me. [Dwight looks at the camera, annoyed] Oscar: Can I say? Jim: Yes. Oscar: I think it should be Darryl. Jim: Okay. Dwight: What a surprise! Minorities sticking together. Oscar: Kelly’s on your side. Kelly: I’m sorry, is that all you think of me? A minority? I am so much more than that. I am a dancer, I’m a singer, I’m a fashion designer. Andy: Whoever it is, I think they should be lame. [Stanley shakes his head and rolls his eyes] Kind a a non-threatening, moderate personality. Ryan: I want an outsider. Jim: Perfect. There are several outside candidates that we think would be really- Ryan: No, I mean an outsider. Like someone on the margins of society, who doesn’t see things the way we do, like a homeless person. Pam: A homeless person. Really? A homeless person. Ryan: No, you’re right, Pam, let’s just leave him to the welfare system and let that handle it. Pam: No, I want you to say that you think the ‘best’ person to be our new manager is a homeless person. Ryan: Let me guess who you want, Pam. Rachael Ray? The ladies of The View? Ryan: I got away with… everything, under the last boss, and it wasn’t good for me, at all. So, I want guidance. I want leadership. But don’t just, like, boss me around, you know? Like, lead me. Lead me… when I’m in the mood… to be led. Meredith: I just want, for once, a smart, professional, decisive, well-hung man in his forties. Jim: Hey! Hey! Hey! Meredith: Okay, fine. Uhh, the guy with a tiny penis. Are you happy? [sarcastically] Let’s hire that guy! [Jim looks speechless] Andy: She may have a point there… would a small penis work? Small-to-moderate. Gabe: [walks in] Gotta catch a plane. Pam: Ohh, hey Gabe, I’m sorry, we… we didn’t get you a cake or anything. We’re gonna miss you. Gabe: Oh, well I’m still the corporate liaison to the branch. Kelly: You are not leaving without giving me a hug. [hugs Gabe] Ughh. Gabe: Okay, you know what, you don’t need to make that sound. Kelly: I’m sorry! You were just a lot bonier than I thought you were gonna be! Gabe: There are plenty of people who love touching me. [camera zooms to Ryan, who looks at the camera, extremely skeptical] I’m a terrific hugger. I’ve been with a bunch of girls where that’s basically all they want to do. I will see you all soon. Kevin: Later, man. All: [various] Good luck! Goodbye! Good luck at your new job. Ryan: Take care, man. Dwight: We’re gonna miss you, Gabe. [Gabe leaves] Andy: [stands up] Uh, listen up. Listen up, ladies. I want the job. There, I said it. I’m educated. I’m capable. I like all of you… and I won’t make any changes. Erin: I see it. [nods and smiles] I see it like I see a mountain that I’m standing in front of [voice cracks] and facing, and I’m like… Phyllis: Yeah. [Oscar looks confused] Yeah, Andy would be wonderful as boss. Erin made a good point. [brushes Erin’s hair with her hand] Phyllis: No, we’re not related. I got the call. But… I’ll tell her some other day. [smiles] Jim: What about Darryl? We can all agree that he’s a stand-up guy, right? Angela: Well, let me be clear. I only speak for myself, and not myself and the Senator. I think we have some wonderful candidates, and there’s a great, lively debate here, but let’s think about- Toby: No, no… no. Sorry. We cut Kevin off for the same thing. You have to have something to say, if you talk. [Angela rolls her eyes and stops talking] Kevin: Exactly. Darryl: [enters the office with his daughter, who runs in and hugs Jim] Jada, no, no, no, Jada, what are you doing? [Jim looks knowingly at the camera] Oh. So sorry, guys. I hope my family didn’t disrupt your meeting. Jada: Daddy, are these the people who are making you manager? Darryl: [sighs] Maybe, sweetheart. Single dad. Challenges. Jada: I don’t know if he’d be a good manager [Jim shakes his head and looks wide-eyed at Darryl], but he’s a really great dad! Darryl: Okay, shush it. This was a mistake. Let’s go. [Darryl and Jada leave, Ryan slowly shakes his head] Phyllis: It seems like we all know enough to vote. Should we just vote now? Jim: What? No, no, it’s not a vote. Phyllis: Then what was this all about? Jim: I don’t know. This conversation really got away from me. Kelly: I don’t care. They can just vote. Jim: No, they can’t. That’s not how this is gonna work. [exhales] We’re going in this room, we’re going to have a meeting. We’re gonna make a recommendation to Jo, and she’s gonna give you her recommendation on Monday. Okay? [to Kelly and Toby, as they re-enter the conference room] What the hell happened out there? [Kevin tries to follow, but the door is closed on him] Andy: Sometimes you hear about people failing upwards. I think I’m about to do that. Nellie: This job? Oh, yeah, I’ll get it. Jo’s an old friend. I think… I’m her best friend. She’s not my best friend. Darryl: Every day I have a blueberry muffin. Today, I did not have a blueberry muffin. Should have had the blueberry muffin… especially considering how incredibly superstitious I am. Fred: No, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I will be the new boss of… [looks back to glance at lobby directory] Vance Refrigeration. Merv: Honestly, I think I--I sabotaged myself. It’s like I’m afraid of being happy. Case in point… I was supposed to start another job today. Robert: [chuckles] I will get offered the job. That’s a… call I’ve received many times. The slight hopefulness in their voice, the pregnant pause… while they wait to hear my response, and then… my response. Finger Lakes Guy: [geeky voice] I want the job. I really do. It’s just, the rest of my family’s in the Finger Lakes right now. I’m supposed to be in the Finger Lakes right now. I told them I was on a hike; snuck away to do this interview. I gotta get back pretty soon; they’ll worry. People disappear in the Finger Lakes. Dwight: I will run this branch, or I will destroy this branch, or… [shrugs] I don’t know. Something always works out. [leaves] Creed: You remind me so much of my fourth-biggest client. Pam: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Is that right? Creed: I think you two should meet. Pam: Well, okay! Creed: Hey Jordana! Patch my ninth- and fourth-biggest clients together. [Pam puts down phone and picks it back up] Pam as “fourth-biggest client”: [in a comedic male voice] Hello! Pam as “ninth-biggest client”: [in high-pitched, damsel-like voice] Hello! Pam as “fourth-biggest client”: Hi, how are ya? [Erin looks amused, Stanley and Phyllis look at Pam, confused] Pam as “ninth-biggest client”: Ohho! I’m good! Don’t you just love paper, and things about paper! Pam as “fourth-biggest client”: Hey, are you single? This seems like a love connection to me! Creed: It’s Kismet!