Pilot
Written By: Greg Daniels, Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant Directed By: Ken Kwapis Transcribed By: Admin [Michael is seated at his desk, talking to Jim] Michael: All right, Jim, your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library? Jim: Oh, I told you. I couldn’t close it. So… Michael: So you’ve come to the master for guidance? [Chinese accent] Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper? Jim: Uh, actually, you called me in here. But, yeah. Michael: All right, well, let me show you how it’s done. [Michael talks on the phone] Michael: Yes, I’d like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right, done deal! [Irish accent] Thank you very much, sir! You’re a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I’m sorry. OK. I’m sorry. My mistake [clears throat] [hangs up] That was a woman I was talking to, so… She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker. So… [clears throat] So that’s the way it’s done. Michael: I’ve, uh, I’ve been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years. The last four as Regional Manager. Uh, if you want to come through here… Ah, see, we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. Ah, this is our receptionist, Pam. [imitating Bam-Bam] Pam! Pam, Pam! Pam Beesly. Uh, Pam has been with us, um... for… forever. Right, Pam? Pam: Well, I don’t know. Michael: If you think she’s cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. Reow, reow. Pam: What? Michael: Uh, any messages? Pam: Uh, yeah. Just a fax. Michael: Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you... Pam: I know... Michael: that there’s a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? Pam: You haven’t told me. Michael: It’s called the wastepaper basket! [bawdy laugh] Look at that! Oh, look at that face. Michael: People say I am the best boss. They go, “God we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious.” “And you get the best out of us.” Um... [shows the camera his WORLD’S BEST BOSS mug] I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts. Dwight: [singing] Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum [imitating drums] I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum [imitating drums] Jim: My job is to speak to clients, um, on the phone, about… uh, quantities and, uh, type of... copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them, uh, whether they can pay for it. And, um… [clicks tongue] I’m--I'm boring myself just talking about this. Michael: Wassuuuup? Jim: Whassup? I still love that after seven years. Michael: Whasuuuup? Dwight: Wassuuuup? Michael: Whasuuuuuuuuuup? [awkward pause] Dwight: Whassup. Michael: [strains and stretches his back] Oh, wow. [groans] What? Jim: Nothin'. Michael: OK, all right. See you later. Jim: All right. Take care. Michael: Back to work. [Jan enters the office, talking on her cell phone] Jan: Just try to reach him sometime today. Um, I don't know, just before lunch. That would be great. Michael: Corporate really doesn’t really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson-Gould. [walking out of his office] Jan! Hello! Michael: I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because, uh… well, not because I’m scared of her. Because I’m not. But, um, yeah. Jan: Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? Michael: Mmm… Me no get an agenda. Jan: I'm sor--What? I’m sorry? Michael: I didn’t get any agenda. Jan: Well, I faxed one over to you this morning. Michael: Really? 'Cause I didn’t, uh, I didn't… [looks at Pam] Did we get a fax this morning? Pam: Uh, yeah, the one… Michael: Then why--why isn’t it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? [imitates gun] So what’s the problem, Pam? Why didn’t, uh, why didn't I get it? Pam: You put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet. Michael: Yeah! That was a joke. That was a joke that, uh, was actually my brother’s... And it was-- [laughs] it was supposed to be with bills, and it doesn’t work great with faxes. Jan: Do you want to look at mine? Michael: Yeah. Yeah, I would. Thank you. Jan: Okay, since the last meeting, Alan and the board have decided we can’t justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch. Michael: Oh, okay. Jan: Michael, don’t panic— Michael: No, no, no, no. This is good. This is good. This is fine, excellent. Jan: No, no, no, Michael, listen, okay, don’t panic. We haven’t made… We haven’t made any decisions yet. Michael: All the alarm bells are kinda going… ringy-dingy-ding! Jan: I’ve spoken to Josh in Stamford. I’ve told him the same as you, and it’s up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other. Michael: Okay, no problem. Jan: This does, however, mean that there's going to be downsizing. Michael: Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn’t wish that on Josh’s men. I certainly wouldn’t wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh... is Josh concerned about downsizing, himself? Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing? Dwight: Ha ha ha ha! Michael: Question. How long do we have to act-- [telephone rings] Oh, uh, Todd Packer. Terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it? Jan: Go ahead. Michel: Packman. Todd Packer: Hey, you big queen. Michael: Oh, that’s not... appropriate. Todd Packer: Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today? Michael: Um, I don’t know. I don't know what you mean. Todd Packer: Look, I’ve been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes? Michael: Oh, my God! Ohh! That’s… horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person. Jan: So, do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don’t want to worry people unnecessarily. Michael: No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Just [zips his lips] ... like that. Phyllis: [whispering] So what does downsizing actually mean? Stanley: Well… Oscar: [whispering] You guys better update your resumes, just like I’m doing. Angela: I bet it’s gonna be me. Probably, it's gonna be me. Kevin: Yeah, it’ll be you. Pam: I have an important question for you. Jim: Yes? Pam: [laughing] Um, are you going to Angela’s cat party on Sunday? Jim: Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous. Michael: Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. [cut to Michael sitting at his desk] I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. Michael: Hey. Ryan: Hey. Pam: This is Mr. Scott. Michael: Guilty! Guilty as charged! Ryan: Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Michael: Uh-huh! Ryan: Daniqua sent me down to start today. Michael: Howard, like Moe Howard, Three Stooges. Ryan: Yup. Michael: Watch this, this is Moe. Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck. Meeeeh! Ha ha! [holds hand up for a high five] Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five! Oh, Pam. It’s a guy thing, Pam. Michael: I’m sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. [speaks gibberish] [raises left hand in salute] I’m Hitler. Adolf Hitler. [imitates German marching music] Pam: I don’t think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. Because then I might-- I just, I don’t think it’s many little girls’ dream to be a receptionist. Um, I like to do illustrations. Um, mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um... Jim thinks they’re good. Pam: Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. [Jim talks on the phone to Mr. Davis] Jim: Sure. Uh, Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. [hangs up phone] Jim: Dwight, what are you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: What are you doing? Dwight: Just clearing my desk. I can’t concentrate. Jim: It’s not on your desk. Dwight: It’s overlapping. It’s all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables: demarcation. Dwight: You can’t do that. Jim: Why not? Dwight: Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ. Jim: [crosses fingers] We’ll see. [Dwight begins smashing pencils with his phone] Jim: This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn’t bother me. [Dwight stops] Dwight: Downsizing? Dwight: Downsizing? Yeah, I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on. Pam: You just still have these messages from yesterday. Michael: Relax, everything’s under control. Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah. Oh, that’s important. Rrrright. Oh, this is so important, I should run to answer it. [imitating Six-Million Dollar Man sound effect] Pam: What? Michael: Come on! Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don’t you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan: I deserve a raise. Pam: Don’t we all? Michael: I’m sorry? Pam: It's nothing. Michael: If you’re unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. Okay? Not today, okay? Pam, just... be professional. [sighs] Michael: I think I’m a role model here. I think I garner people’s respect. [imitating a PA] Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, A.S.A.P. Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be… Bob Hope. Um… Abraham Lincoln,. Definitely. Bono. Uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it’s um… it’s really beyond words. [mispronouncing] It’s really incalcalacable. Michael: Now, I know there’s some rumors out there, and I just kind of want to set the record straight. Dwight: I’m Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first. Michael: [corrects] Assistant to the Regional Manager. Dwight: Okay, um, can you just tell me, please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear? Please. Michael: I’m about to tell everybody. I’m just about to tell everybody. Oscar: Can’t you just tell us-- Dwight: Please, OK? Do you want me to tell ’em? Michael: You don’t know what it is. [laughs] Dwight: Okay, you tell ’em. With my permission. Michael: I don’t need your permission. Dwight: Permission granted. Go ahead. Michael: Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And, uh, Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch. Ryan: I heard they might be closing this branch down. That’s just the rumour going around. This is my first day, I don’t really know. Oscar: Yeah, but, Michael, what if they downsize here? Michael: Not gonna happen. Stanley: It could be out of your hands, Michael. Michael: It won’t be out of my hands Stanley, okay? I promise you that. Stanley: Oh, can you promise that? Dwight: On his mother’s grave. Michael: No. Phyllis: What? Michael: Well, yeah, it is a promise. And, frankly, I’m a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it. Stanley: It’s just that we need to know. Michael: I-I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you, uh… had a look that you wanted to ask a question just now. Pam: I was in the meeting with Jan, and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. Stanley: Are you sure about that? Michael: Look, Pam… Uh, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. Dwight: Uh, yeah. Dwight: Pam, information is power. So… Stanley: So, you can’t say for sure whether it’ll be us or them, can you? Michael: No, no, no, Stanley, no. You did not see me in there with her. I said if, uh, if corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they’re gonna have to go through me. Right? You know, you can go mess with Josh’s people. But I’m the head of this family, and you ain’t gonna be messin’ with my chillun’. Jim: If I left, what would I do with… all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam’s favourite flavour of yogurt, which is mixed berry. Pam: Jim said mixed berries? Oh, well, yeah, he’s on to me. Um… [laughs] Michael: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp. Dwight: What’s up? Ryan: Nice to meet you. Michael: Introduce yourself. Be polite. Dwight: Uh, Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. Michael: Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight, tell him about the Kung Fu and the car and everything. Dwight: Uh, yeah, I got a ’78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200, fixed it up. It’s now worth three grand. Michael: That’s his profit. Dwight: Yeah, uh, new engine, suspension. I got a respray. I’ve got some photos. Dwight: Oh! Damn it! Jim! Michael: OK. Hold on, hold on. Judge is in session. What is the problem here? Dwight: He put my stuff in Jell-O again! Pam: [laughing] Dwight: That’s real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn’t funny the first two times either, Jim! Dwight: It’s okay here. Uh, but people sometimes take advantage because it’s so relaxed. I’m a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. It’s sort of one of the rules. Michael: [laughing] What is that? Dwight: That is my stapler. Michael: No, no, no! Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world, [turns to camera] and which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food. Dwight: Okay, you know what? You can be a witness. [points to Ryan] Can you reprimand him? Jim: How do you know it was me? Dwight: It’s always you. Are you going to discipline him or not? Michael: Ooh, discipline, kinky! [laughs] All right, here’s the deal, you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start as well as when to stop. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: And. Yeah. And, Jim now is the time to stop putting Dwight’s personal effects into Jell-O. Jim: [clears throat] Okay. Dwight, I’m sorry, because… I have always been your biggest flan. Michael: [laughing] Nice! That’s the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round and round. Ryan: You, uh, you should’ve put him in “custardy”. Michael: Oh, hey! Yes! New guy! And he scores. Dwight: Okay, that’s great. I guess what I’m most concerned with is damage to company property. That’s all. Michael: [Michael thinking] Pudding. Putting… I’m trying to think of what other dessert to do. Jim: [laughs] Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Well, that’s why we’re all going out. So, that we can have an end-of-the-week-drink. Pam: So, when are we going out? Jim: Tonight, hopefully. I don’t know. Pam: Okay, yeah. [Roy walks in] Roy: Hey, man. Jim: What’s going on? Roy: Hi, baby. Pam: Hey. Pam: Uh, Roy is my fiancé. We’ve been engaged about, um… about three years. And, uh, we were supposed to get married in September, but I think we’re gonna get married in the spring. Pam: Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys? Roy: Uh, no, no, come on. Let’s get out of here, go home. Pam: Okay, um, I’m gonna be a few minutes though. It’s only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes. Jim: You know what? You should come with us. Because, you know, we’re all going out, and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. You know, I think it could be fun. Roy: No, it sounds good. Jim: Oh, no. Roy: Seriously, we gotta get going. Jim: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim: Um… what’s in the—what’s in the bag? Roy: Just tell her I’ll talk to her later. Jim: No, definitely. All right, dude, awesome. Will do. Jim: Do I think I’ll be invited to the wedding? [scratches head] Michael: So, uh, have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? Um, I guess the atmosphere that I’ve created here is that I’m a friend first, and a boss second… Probably, uh—[knock on door] entertainer third. Just a second! Right? Oh, hey, do you, uh, like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk’d and all that kind of stuff? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: Okay, um… You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, okay? Ryan: All right. Michael: Just follow my lead. Don’t pimp me, all right? Come in! So, uh, corporate just said that I don’t want to… Pam: You got a fax. Michael: Oh, thank you, Pam. Pam, can you come in here for a sec? Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. Um, you know Ryan. Um, as you know, there’s going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first. Pam: What? Why? Michael: Why? Well, theft. And stealing. Pam: Stealing? Michael: Mm-hmm. Pam: Um, what am I supposed to have stolen? Michael: Post-it Notes. Pam: Post-it Notes? Michael: Yeah, God… Pam: What are those worth, like, 50 cents? Michael: 50 cents, yeah. If you steal 1,000 Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and, you know, you’ve made a profit… margin. You know, gonna run us out of business, Pam. Pam: Are you serious? Michael: [nods] Yeah, I, um… Pam: Oh, my-- I can’t believe this. I mean, I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip, and now you’re firing me. Michael: And the best thing about it is that, uh, we’re not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct, and, uh… So, just clean out your desk. I’m sorry. [Pam starts crying] Michael: You’ve been X’d, punk! [laughing] Surprise! It’s a joke! We were joking around. [laugh] See? Okay, he was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, kind of – kind of giving him the feel of the place. So you sh-- God, you were-- we totally got you— Pam: You’re a jerk! Michael: Ah, I don’t know about that. Michael: What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It’s the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. Came to me, and said, [Spanish accent] “Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?” Wow. Wow. Wow. Didn’t work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked. Pam: [sniffles] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Hi. Jim: How are ya? Pam: Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with— Jim: Oh no, no. I just decided not to… How’s your headache? Pam: It’s better, thanks. Jim: Good. Good, that’s great. Pam: Is, uh-- Jim: Yeah? Pam: Um, are you, uh… Jim: Am I walking out? Pam: Yes. Jim: Yes, I… Do you wanna… Pam: Yeah. Jim: Great. Let me just— [car horn honks] Jim: Oh, Roy. Pam: Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend. Jim: Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. [door closes] [looks at camera] You know what? Just come here.