The Dundies
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin. [holds up a trophy of a business man] And this is everybody’s favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don’t get trophies, very often. Like Meredith or Kevin, I mean, who’s gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really, really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean, I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells something terrible coming from neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So… Jim: So, you ready for the… the Dundies? Pam: Ugh… Pam: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. Michael: [in a Fat Albert voice] Hey hey hey! It’s Fat Halpert. Jim: What? Michael: [in Fat Albert voice] Fat Halpert. [in normal voice] Jim Halpert. Michael: So why don’t I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners. We got Fat Jim Halpert here. Jim, why don’t you show of your Dundies to the camera? Jim: Oh, I can’t because I keep them hidden. I don’t want to look at them and get cocky. Michael: Oh, that’s a good idea. Dwight: Mine are at home in a display case above my bed. Michael: Gyaaah. T.M.I. T.M.I my friends. Michael: T.M.I.? Too much information. Ah, it’s just easier to say T.M.I. I used to say “Don’t go there” but that’s… lame. Michael: And here we have Stanley the Manly. Now Stanley is a Dundie all-star, aren’t you Stan? Why don’t you, ah, show them some of your bling. Stanley: I don’t know where they are, I think I threw them out. Michael: Oh, no you di-int. Stanley: I think I did. Michael: W-why did you… Stanley: Say, we got to order some more apa-teezers this time. We ran out last year, remember? Michael: Yes we should. I… you know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off stage, [turns to Kevin] someone had eaten all of them. Michael: [in video] To Oscar Martinez it’s the “Show Me the Money” award! Yeah! Pam: Michael has taped every Dundies awards and now, he’s making me look through hours of footage to find highlights. Oscar: [in video] That’s supposed to be confidential. Michael: [in video] He has the award-ah! …it’s a type of song that we are going to play for the ladies. Hit it, Dwight! [Dwight starts playing the tune of “Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega on his recorder] Michael: [singing along to tune on video] A little bit of Paaam, all night long, a little bit of Angela on the thing… [somebody sits in front of the camera on the video, so even though nothing can be seen, Michael can still be heard] Michael: [in video]…a little bit of Phyllis everywhere… Pam: Oh, yeah, this is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night. It’s great. Michael: [on video] …a little bit of Roooy eating chicken crispers… …a little bit of Jim with some ribs, a little bit of… Kelly: It was you. Phyllis: Live and learn. Pam: [quietly laughing] It wasn’t. I swear. Kelly: Yeah, it was. Dwight: So, what’s the joke? You’re not perfect either. Pam: We’re not laughing at you, Dwight. Dwight: So who are we laughing at? Pam: Um, just something somebody wrote. Dwight: Who? Dave Barry? Kelly: [laughing] No. No, just something that was written in the ladies’ room wall. Dwight: What is it? Who wrote it? Pam: Um, it’s kind of private. Phyllis: [whispering] It’s about Michael. Dwight: That is defacement of company property. So you better tell me. Kelly, if you tell me, you’ll be punished less. Pam: Okay, now I’m laughing at you. Michael: [talking to the speakerphone] Will her highness, Jan Levinson-Gould, be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin Scranton? Jan: [on speaker phone] It’s a, it’s, it’s a two and a half hour drive from New York, Michael. Michael: Well, you could take the bus. You could work on the way here. Sleep on the way home. Jan: No. Michael: Wuh… Come on, Jan. This is important. I mean, this is, this is, validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this. So… Jan: No, we don’t approve of this Michael. I mean, y-you only had the budget for one office party a year, so… we’re not paying for this. Michael: Um… [Michael looks at the camera and motions for the camera to leave the office] Michael: [to camera] Could you…? Jan: Are you there Michael? Michael: Yeah, I’m here, I just wanted to, uh, talk to you for a second about that. [Michael closes the blinds] [the camera tries to find a crack in the blinds] Michael: Um, what, ah, what is, I mean… [the camera pans around to reception, Pam is listening] Michael: …come on, Jan! [the camera goes to a side of Michael’s office where the blinds are still partially open] Michael: You’re dropping an A-Bomb on me here. Jan: Really? I’m dropping an atomic bomb on you? Michael: Well, yeah, I mean, what is… Jan: You already had a party on May 5th for no reason. Michael: No reason?! It was the 05 05 05 party… Jan: And you had a luau…. Michael: …it happens once every billion years. Jan: And a tsunami relief fundraiser which somehow lost a lot of money. Michael: Okay, no, that was a FUN raiser. I think I made that very clear in the fliers, fun, F-U-N. Jan: Okay, well, I don’t understand why anyone would have a tsunami FUN raiser, Michael. I mean, that doesn’t even make sense. Michael: Well, I think a lot of people were very affected by the footage. Michael: This is a little character I like to do [places a green turban with a yellow feather on his head], it is, uh, loosely based on Karnack, one of Carson’s classic characters. [puts an envelope to his head] Here we go. The PLO, the IRA, and the hot dog stand behind the warehouse. [tears open envelope and pulls out card] “Name three businesses that have a better health care plans than Dunder Mifflin.” Here’s the problem. There’s no open bar because of Jan and it’s the reason why comedy clubs have a two drink minimum. It’ll be fine, I just…wish people were going to be drunk. [Phyllis catches Dwight trying to sneak into the girls bathroom] Phyllis: Dwight, get out of here!! [the door swings open and Dwight is being pushed out by Phyllis] Dwight: No, no, no, no… Phyllis: What were you doing in the ladies room?! Dwight: …no, no, no, no, it’s not what you think. Phyllis: Why were you peering over the stalls?! Dwight: No, why were you in there?! Phyllis: You are a pervert! Dwight: What were you doing in there? Phyllis: You, are, a pervert! Dwight: I am not. Michael: [in video] The Dundie award for “Longest Engagement” goes to Pam Beesley. Michael: Pam, everybody! [starts clapping] [Pam just sits there stirring her drink, rolls her eyes and glances over at Jim] [Jim, at the adjacent table, crosses his arms and glances over at Pam, both look annoyed] Michael: Whoooo! When is that girl gonna get married? That’s what I have to say. Ah, Roy’s accepting. Roy: [on video] Yes. Michael: [on video] Thank you Roy. Are there any words you’d like to say, on Pam’s behalf? Roy: [on video] Ah, w-we’ll see you next year. Michael: [on video] Yeah, oh, hope not! Oh God! Michael: I’m not changing that, it’s the best one. Jim: No, it’s hilarious, you’re right. I just think, um, “world’s longest engagement”, um, we’re all expecting it, you know? Michael: That’s why it’s funny. Every year that Roy and Pam don’t get married, it gets funnier. Jim: Well I think if you use the same jokes it just comes across as lazy. Michael: Oh, [taking it to heart] lazy. Uh huh. Dwight: Excuse me, everyone, could I have your attention please. I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible. Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom. Pam: You’re taking away our bathroom? Dwight: We are going to have two men’s rooms. Phyllis: But where would we…go? Dwight: Be prepared to hold folks [Michael comes out of his office] From 9 am to… Pam: Michael… Michael: Yes. Pam: …Dwight is banning us from our bathroom. Michael: Okay, well, that’s just ridiculous, so just don’t, I-I don’t have time for this right now. Dwight: Nnnnno, there needs to be repercussions… Michael: Just don’t, don’t talk- Dwight: …for people’s behavior. Michael: Don’t talk- Dwight: And it’s- Michael: Just STAP IT YAP IT!!!! Michael: Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year. How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad, but WHAT THE HELL EVERYBODY!? I mean, God. The Dundies are about the best, in every, one of us. Can’t you see that? I mean, okay, we can do better. so, tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us. Dwight: [with a small fist pump] Yes! Michael: Yeah, not bad, right? So let’s make this the best Dundies ever. Dwight: [clapping] Best Dundies ever. Dwight: Welcome to the eighth annual Dundies awards. [quick cut to everybody talking and ignoring Dwight] Dwight: Before we get started, a few announcements. Keep your acceptance speeches short, I have wrap it up music, and I’m not afraid to use it. [points] Devon! Michael: “The Dundies, how can I explain it? Awards you like to hate it. I’m psyched you all made it. You never had to work so hard and feel that no one notices you. You’re just a name and number and no one even says hello.” [to Ryan] Card! Oscar: The Dundies are kind of like a kid’s birthday party, and you go, and there’s really nothing for you to do there. But the kid’s having a really good time, so you’re, kind of there. That’s-that’s kind of what it’s like. Michael: “You down with The Dundies? You down with the Dundie-“ [the music stops, Michael looks back at Dwight] Dwight: The waitress tripped on the cord. Michael: Alright, alright, joke landed. So we are here, thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie awards. [takes off sweater to reveal tuxedo] I am your host, Michael Scott. And I just want to tell you please, please, do not drink and drive. Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink! Kevin: [to waitress] Oh, just put these on the group tab. Michael: Nope, actually this year, ah, no group tab, we’re going to be doing separate checks. Stanley: You said, we could bring our families. Michael: I did. And why didn’t ya Stanley? Stanley: I did, my wife’s name is Terri. Michael: Well, I’m looking forward to meeting Terri. Stanley: It’s this person who’s hand I’m holding Michael. [Michael is dumbfounded, Dwight pushes a button on his keyboard that says, “OHHH, YEAHHHH.”] Michael: [to Dwight, in a low voice] Shut it. [normal voice] Um, good. Speaking of relationships, of all, all way shapes and forms. Um, I was out on a very, very hot date with a girl from HR, Dwight. Dwight: Really? We don’t have any girls from HR. Michael: No, that…for the sake of the story. And things were getting hot and heavy. Dwight: Yeah? Michael: And I was about to take her bra off… Dwight: Yeah! Michael: …when she made me fill out six hours of paperwork- Dwight: Like an AIDS test? Michael: No! [under his breath] God. Michael: [clears throat] Alright, so let’s get this party staaaarrrrted. Darryl: Hey let’s go to Poor Richard’s. Roy: Yeah, let’s get out of here. Pam: Um… Michael: Um, guys, where you going? Pam, show’s just getting started. Pam: Sorry. Ryan: You staying? Jim: Yeah, gotta eat somewhere. Michael: And now… to someone who quietly goes about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts… Michael: …the “Busiest Beaver” award goes to Phyllis Lapin. [everybody starts clapping, Phyllis gets out of her booth and makes her way to Michael, she gives Jim a high five along the way] Michael: Yeah, way to go Phyllis. Nice work, per usual. Phyllis: This says “Bushiest Beaver”. Michael: What? I told them busiest…idiots. Phyllis: It’s, it’s fine. Michael: Well, we’ll fix it up. You don’t have to display that. [Pam and Roy are at the truck, arguing.] Pam: …because that’s what happens every time! Roy: …talking about? He’s a jackass every year. Pam: No. Roy: [put’s his hand on Pam’s arm] Come on, we’re going to Poor Richard’s. Pam: [breaks Roy’s grip] No, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to. Roy: Pam. Go. Pam: If you would have asked me that, then you would know. [Michael has false teeth in and glasses with squinted eyes on them] Michael: [in a stereotypical oriental accent] Herro everybodeeee. I’m gonna cwall Jan Revinson-Gould. Jim: Hey! How are ya? I thought you left? Pam: Oh no, I just, I decided to stay. Jim: Oh! Pam: I’ll just get a ride home from Angela. Jim: Oh. Pam: Oh good, I’m just in time for Ping. Jim: Yeah. Michael: [doing impression] Oh, dat wir be fwar. Ah, me so horny. [the camera zooms to an Asian customer behind Michael, she is looking at Michael in disbelief] Michael: Right? You know wat I’m talking ’bout. Pam: [to an off camera waiter and still clutching Jim’s beer] Can I get a drink? Michael: This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the office. [cut to Pam still drinking the beer] Michael: Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The “Hottest in the Office” award goes to… …Ryan the temp! Michael: Yeah. [singing to music] “Hidy ho, you sexy thang. You sexy thang you.” Here you go. Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I-I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s the least of my…concerns right now. Michael: And the “Tight Ass” award goes to Angela. Not only because she is everybody’s favorite stickler, but because she has, a great caboose. So…come on down. Angela: No. Jim: [Pam starts sipping an empty glass] I think those might be empty. Pam: No, no. ‘Cause the ice melts and then it’s like second drink! [laughs] Jim: Second drink? Michael: The “Spicy Curry” award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here. Here you go. Kelly: “Spicy Curry”, what’s that mean? Michael: Um, not everything means something, it’s just a joke. Kelly: Yeah, but why’d you give it to me? Michael: I don’t know, it’s just… Kelly: This is a bowler- Michael: I know. It’s ju- they didn’t have any more businessmen. So… Kelly: Yeah, but everyone else- Michael: Just sit down Kelly. Michael: [sweaty and chugging water from a bottle] It’s so freakin’ hot in there. Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia. Man! I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room, but you do what you can do. [Music starts playing in the background] Here we go, he’s early with the cue. Here we go. Michael: [Michael is singing to the tune of “Tiny Dancer” by Elton John] “You have won a tiny Dundie.” Guy at bar: Sing it Elton. Michael: Hey, thanks guys. Hey, where you guys from? Other Guy at Bar: We just came from yo’ mama’s house. Michael: Oh, alright, yeah. Guy At Bar: Sing ’em a song dude. Michael: Uh, you know what guys, we’re just having a little office party, so if you want, uh… Michael: [something flies by Michael] Hey, you know, cool it guys, really- [the guy at the bar throws another object, looks like a wad of wet napkins, this time it hits Michael on the shoulder] Guy At Bar: You suck man! Michael: Let’s cut it. [Dwight turns the music off] Michael: [clears throat] [with a lot less enthusiasm] I had a few more Dundies to, uh, give out tonight, but, I’m just going to cut it short. And wrap it up so everybody can enjoy their food. Um…thanks for listening, those who listened. [clears throat] This last Dundie is for Kevin, this is the “Don’t Go in There After Me” award. It’s for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So… Michael: [give Kevin his award] There you go. Pam: Yay Kevin. Whoo hoo for Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom. Jim: [starts clapping] Yeah, alright Kev. [more people start clapping] Pam: Woo! Hey, I haven’t gotten one yet! Jim: Yes, I have not gotten one either. So, keep going. Pam: More Dundies! Pam and Jim: [clapping] Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Everybody: Dundies! Dundies! Michael: [getting his spirit back] Alright, alright, alright, okay. Alright, we’ll keep rolling. Okay, this is the fine work award. This goes to Stanley, for all the fine work he did this year. Pam: Fine work! Fine work Stanley! Michael: You know you did. Pam: Here here! Speech, speech, speech, speech [other people start joining in] Stanley: Well, well, last year, I got great work, so I don’t… [Pam starts laughing her cute drunk laugh] Stanley: So, I don’t know what to think about this award. But at least I didn’t get smelliest bowel movement like Kevin. [starts chuckling] Michael: And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesley… [cut to Pam, her face goes from drunken elation to sober realisation] Michael: …I think we all know what award Pam is going to be getting this year. [cut to Jim’s reaction of scared expectation] Michael: It is the “Whitest Sneakers” award! Because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on! Michael: Get on down here! Pam Beesley ladies and gentlemen! [Pam grabs the microphone from him] Oh, here we go. Pam: I have so many people to thank for this award. [quick cut to Jim laughing and staring at Pam with amused wonder] Pam: Okay, first off, my Keds. Because I couldn’t have done it without them. [people clap] Thank you. Let’s give Michael a round of applause for MC-ing tonight because [people start clapping again] this is a lot harder than it looks. And also because of Dwight too. [Dwight stands up, but nobody claps] Pam: Um, so, finally, I want to thank God. Because God gave me this Dundie. [quick cut to Jim, he’s doesn’t know whether to laugh or take her seriously, so he gives her an amused/appreciative grin] Pam: And, I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. WHOOOOOOOO!!!! Michael: Pam Beesley ladies and gentleman. [Pam hugs Michael and gives him a quick peck on the cheek] Oh! Thank you. Jim: What a great year for the Dundies. Jim: We got to see Ping. [Pam nods] And we learned of Michael’s true feelings for Ryan. [Pam nods] Which was touching. And, we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs. [Pam nods] Which for me, has ruined them for life. [looks at Pam, who is staring at him, nodding] [Jim looks at the camera, then back at Pam, who is still nodding] Jim: What? Pam: Nothing. Jim: Okay. Pam: What? Jim: I don’t know, what? [Pam starts laughing, then suddenly falls off the bar stool] Jim: Oh my God! You are so drunk! Jim: Did you get that? Please tell me you got that. This is all going to be on. Dwight: Quick, quick, the woman is havi Shoot. [Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realiaes she’s on camera] eer. Dwight: Don’t get into that now. We need something to cushion her head. Throw pillow? A cush- Jim: Dwight come on, come- Dwight: It’s okay, I’m going to use my shirt. [Dwight starts taking off his shirt, but gets stuck] Pam: Dwight, get off me! [aa Chili’s employee comes over, Jim helps Pam up, Dwight is stuck in his shirt] Employee: I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to put your clothes back on, people are trying to eat. Dwight: [struggling] Ahh! I can’t- Michael: Was this year’s Dundies a success? Well, let’s see, I made Pam laugh so hard, that she fell out of her chair, and she almost broke her neck. So I killed, almost. Pam: Oh my God! Jim: Whoa. Pam: I just want to say, that this was the best, Dundies, ever! WHOOOOOOOOO!!! Jim: Whoa. Jim: Whoa, careful, careful. Chili’s Employee: We have a strict policy here not to over serve. Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off other people’s tables. I Xeroxed her driver’s license and she is not welcome to this restaurant chain ever again. Michael: Great work tonight. Dwight: Watch your step. Michael: Excellent. Dwight: Thanks, I had to, uh, check her pupils to make sure there wasn’t a concussion. Michael: Yes, that too, but I mean with the audio. Great work. Pam: I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall. Jim: No you don’t. Jim: Oh, here she is. Careful, careful, whoa. Alright, easy. Almost there. Pam: Hey, um, can I ask you a question? Jim: Shoot. [Pam stares at Jim for a little while, then glances at the camera, realises she’s on camera] Pam: Um, I just wanted to say thanks. Jim: Not really a question. [starts to laugh] Okay, let’s get you home, you’re drunk. [Jim opens the door for her] Jim: Alright. Pam: Bye. Jim: Goodnight, have a good night. Thank you Angela.