Office Olympics
Written By: Michael Schur Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Michael: I’m an early bird, and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise, and I have worms. Oh, breakfast. Ryan: I got your sausage, egg and cheese biscuit. Michael: Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: What was the thing, ah, you needed me to come in early for? Michael: Um. The sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit. But thank you. And why don’t you take a couple hours. The office is yours. “Home Alone,” “Risky Business.” Take your pants off, run around. Whatever you gotta do. Ryan: I’m just going to take a nap in my car until work starts. Michael: Ok. [removes biscuit, leaving only sausage, egg and cheese.] Healthier. Gotta watch those carbs. Michael: Today, I, Michael Scott, am becoming a homeowner. Investing in real estate. Dwight: Diversifying. Smart. Michael: Yes it is. Yes it is. It is very important to own property. Back in olden days, they would not even let you vote unless you owned property and they’d throw you in the stocks and humiliate you. Dwight: And it worked. They should bring the stocks back. People’d obey the law, there’d be less troublemakers. Michael: Maybe. Jim: [looks bored. Taps finger on desk. Head falls to desk] Pam: [laughs] Pam: Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. I think today it was the expense reports that did him in. And our deal is that, it’s up to me to revive him. Pam: You see Dwight’s coffee mug? Jim: Mm-hmm. Pam: Sometimes when he’s not here, I try to throw stuff in it. Jim: No way. Let’s do this [crumples post it and throws into mug. Misses.] Oh. Pam: Here. Jim: Wind. Pam: Try paperclips. Oh wait. This message. For Dwight. Jim: Perfect. [misses] Pam: Oh. Jim: Oh. Dwight: You should go. Michael: Yes. Yes. Final walkthrough. Dwight: Uh huh. Michael: Sign the papers at the condo. Dwight: You have your lawyer there? Michael: Uh, I don’t need one. Dwight: Can I be your representative? Michael: I don’t need a representative. Dwight: I think I should be there. Michael: No, No. Dwight: I’m good. I can make sure things are up to code. Michael: No. Dwight. I’m fine. Dwight: Please, I’m always the guy you rely on at work. Michael: Well, this isn’t about work. This is closing on a condo, it’s completely personal. Dwight: So you’re taking a personal day? Michael: Except that, this is about my living arrangement, and as boss, I need to have a living arrangement in order to do work. Dwight: Please, I’ll make you proud. Michael: Ok. Fine. Yes, you can come. Dwight: Yes! As your representative? Michael: As my associate. Dwight: Same thing. Michael: No it is not. Dwight: I have been Michael’s #2 guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart, and I’m like Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy, and Michael is like Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart; you’re going to get a bullet in your head courtesy of Butch Cassidy. Michael: Oh, most honorable Pamera. Not offensive, because that’s the way they talk in movies. Pam: You headed out? Michael: We are. Dwight and I are going to the big thing. So why don’t you have everybody work on their expense reports and I’d like them in by the end of the day. Pam: Ok. Michael: Very good. Pam: Have a great time. Michael: We will. Um, did you do the thing I asked you to do about the magazines? Pam: Yeah, I changed them to your new address. Michael: Good. The Small Business Man? Pam: Yup. Michael: Maxim? American Way? Cracked? Pam: Yes, I changed your Cracked magazine subscription. Michael: How about, uh, Fine Arts? Aficionado Monthly? Pam: [shakes head] Michael: NO, well can you get on that, because I don’t just read Cracked. Thank you. Pam: Yeah. Michael: Ok. See you soon. Dwight: What kind of shocks you got on this baby? Michael: I don’t know, regular. Normal ones. Nothing fancy. Not my style. What are you doing? Dwight: [tries to open sun roof] I want to put the top down. Michael: What? No, Dwight. It’s fifty degrees outside. Don’t… please… Dwight: But then no one can see us. Michael: I… Just… Would you put it up? [roof opens] Ok. Fine. Just leave it down. Whiner. Dwight: Check it out. [points at sunglasses] Terminator. Michael: I do not understand what you spend your money on. Kevin: [paper football lands on desk] Ooh. Jim: Hey, Oscar, on these new expense reports, do we really have to go back to last quarter? Oscar: Yeah. It’s a terrible system, I know. Jim: [points at paper on desk] What does 2005 season mean? Oscar: Eh. Jim: Wait a minute, what is this? Oscar: It’s a scoreboard. Jim: What? Oscar: Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael’s out. Jim: Really? Oscar: Yeah. Kevin: Or when we’re bored. Jim: Oh my God! Wait, this goes back two years. Kevin: We’re bored a lot. Jim: [flicks football onto Kevin’s desk] OH! Kevin: Oh! Oscar: Sweet! Jim: Yes! So close. I really love the paper triangle flicking and hitting things game. Yeah. Kevin: We call it Hate Ball. Jim: Why? Kevin: Because of how much Angela hates it. Jim: Hey, do you guys have any other games? Kevin: Sometimes we play “Who can put the most M&M’s in their mouth?” Angela: You play that. Oscar: You should ask Toby to teach you Dunderball. Michael: Home, sweet home. Dwight: Which one’s yours? Michael: Right there. My sanctuary. My party pad. Someday I can just see my grandkids learning how to walk out here. Hang a swing from this tree. Push them back… wait… [turns around] no, it’s this one, right here. Home, sweet home. Jim: [bounces ball off wall with Toby] So that’s what this sound is all day. Carol: Michael, this is Bill. He’s the head of the condo association. Michael: Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you, Bill. Bill. Mr. Bill. OHHH NOOO. MR. BILL. OHHH! SNL? When they pull him apart? He’d always get rolled over by something. Bill: Nice to meet you. Michael: Nice to meet you too. Dwight: This is smaller than your old place. Michael: Yeah, small. I’m buying it and I’m not renting it. So, it’s still an upgrade. He doesn’t know anything about property ownership. Kind of an idiot. Um. Dwight: Actually, I do own property. My grandfather left me a 60 acre working beet farm. I run it with my cousin, Mose. We sell beets to local stores and restaurants. It’s a nice little farm. Sometimes teenagers use it for sex. Carol: Are we ready to sign some papers? Dwight: Actually, no. We have a couple of questions, about the neighborhood. Bill: It’s very safe. It’s very clean. Also, it’s very accepting of all lifestyles. Carol: It’s a very gay-friendly neighborhood. Michael: Oh. Good. That’s good. It’s good to be accommodating of that. Dwight: Let’s go check out the master bedroom. Jim: Stanley. Just played Dunder Ball with Toby. What about you, you got any games? Stanley: Yeah, I got a game. It’s called “work hard so my kids can go to college.” Jim: Fair enough. Michael: This, my friends, is the master bedroom. Check out the cathedral ceilings. Those are like seventeen feet high. We have cable readiness. [points at wall] Right there. I am going to totally pimp this place out. I am going to put a surround sound system. I am going to put a plasma screen right against this wall. Dwight: Oh. Terrible idea. Michael: I’m putting my bed right over here. Dwight: No, no, no, no, no. This is a shared wall. Neighbor throws his wife into the wall, plasma screen hits the floor. Totally smashed. Michael: Well, then I will get a warrantee. Dwight: Warrantees don’t cover it, plus they’re a rip-off. Michael: Well then I won’t get a warrantee. Dwight: Shh Shh. Michael: So that’s the problem, is solved. What? Dwight: Listen. [puts ear to wall] Can you hear that? Oh man. These babies are thin. Jim: [sings Olympic theme song] This scented candle …andle …andle. Which I found in the men’s bathroom …room …room. Represents the eternal burning of competition. Or something. Kevin: It smells like cookies. Jim: Yes it does. Yes it does my friend. Ok, we will be competing for gold, silver and bronze yogurt lids. Pam: Now the bronze are really blue, and they’re also the back side of the gold, so no flipping. K? Honor system. Angela: I do play games. I sing and I dangle things in front of my cats. I play lots of games. Just not at work. Jim: Let the games begin. [sings Olympic theme] Carol: And then, I just need you to sign here at this arrow. Dwight: What kind of mortgage did you get? Michael: Uh… Ten year. Carol: Well, ten over thirty, so thirty year total. Michael: What? Wha? You said ten. Carol: Ten year fixed, over thirty. Thirty year total. Dwight: Ho, thirty years. Michael: Ok, ok, ok. Dwight: Wow, you’ll be paying this off in your mid-seventies. Michael: Alright. Dwight: Forget about retiring when you’re 65. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You know that extra bedroom? If the whole girlfriend thing never happens, that’s where the nurse can live. Michael: Ok. Alright. Oh boy. Dwight: Well, this is it. Carol: Whenever you’re ready. Michael: Um. Oh. [moves stove burner] Oh, ok. Is that suppose to come off? Carol: Actually yes. Dwight: Hey, look! Cool. Carpenter ants. Michael: Um. I’m going to take a little breather for a second. Excuse me. Dwight: We’ll be here waiting for you. Michael: Oh, man. Dwight: A thirty year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people. Carol: Whenever you’re ready, Michael. Michael: Uh. [breathes deeply, head at knees] Jim: You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. And I’m blanking on the name, can you help me out Pam? Pam: Jim, they refer to it as Flonkerton. Jim: Hum. Pam: In English, box of paper snowshoe racing. Jim: Fair enough, but I like Flonkerton. Pam: The thing about Jim, is when he’s excited about something, like the Office Olympics, he gets really into it and he does a really great job. But the problem with Jim is that he works here, so that hardly ever happens. Jim: So, who will be challenging Kevin in Flonkerton? Anyone? Phyllis: I’ll do it. Jim: Yes! Phyllis! [claps] Phyllis, just put your foot right through here [lifts strap on box of paper]. Right through the flonk. Michael: The ceilings are lower than they were last week. That, I don’t… I don’t… Carol: What? Michael: …know if you showed me this same unit or not. Carol: Michael, this is the unit you saw and… Michael: Where are all the hot people? I was told that there would be all these attractive singles. Carol: Who told you that? Michael: As far as I can tell, I’m the best-looking person here. Michael: There’s a basic principle in real estate, that you should never be the best-looking person in the development. It’s just sorta common sense, because if you are, then you’ve no place to go but down. Carol: Is this a financial thing? If it’s a financial thing, what some people do is they rent out the third bedroom. Michael: No, no, no. Carol: That’s some extra income for you. Michael: I am not going to rent the third bedroom. I want a price reduction or I am a-walkin. Carol: You will lose $7,000 if you walk away right now. Michael: Ehhhh…. Michael: I made the right decision. I’m glad I signed. I’m a homeowner. Right? Good to be a homeowner. Diversifying. This is good. This is fun. We’re having fun. Dwight: Totally having fun. Can you imagine those poor saps stuck at the office today? [laughs] Jim: Here we go. Here we go. Pam: Go! Go! Go! Oscar: Pair of shoes! Jim: Dig deep, dig deep! OHHHhhh! It’s Phyllis! Pam: It’s Phyllis! Jim: Phyllis by a nose. Gold medal in Flernenton. Pam: Flonkerton. Jim: Thank you, delegate from Iceland. Meredith: Wow! Kevin: [empties bowl of M&M’s into his mouth] Jim: Wow! Ok. No one else should even try! Gold medals! Give him medals. Wow. Michael: There’s something else Dwight wanted to talk to you about. I have a surprise for you, for helping me out today. Dwight: You didn’t have to… Michael: No, no. I insist. I insist. Because you’ve really done some great work. Great work. And that is why, I am going to let you move into my third bedroom and pay me rent. Michael: Why did I do it? Because I believe in rewarding people for their efforts. Ah. I rewarded Dwight with the room, and he is rewarding me back, ah, with $500 plus utilities. Dwight: I don’t even know what to say. Michael: I’m thinking, lock into a four year commitment, we’ll go month to month after that. Or, until I start dating, have a girlfriend, then you’re, you know, you’re gone. Dwight: Question. Where can I put my terrarium? Michael: What the hell is a terrarium? Dwight: It’s a fish tank for snakes and lizards. Michael: Oh, so an aquarium. Ah, that will not come into this place. Dwight: Question. My grandparents left me a large number of armoires. Pam: Are you sure you don’t want to play? Angela: I’m sure. Pam: Come on Angela, don’t you have a game? Angela: I have one, yes. Pam: Well, let’s play, what is it? Angela: I call it Pam Pong. I count how many times Jim gets up from his desk and goes to reception to talk to you. Pam: We’re friends. Angela: Apparently. Jim: Very nicely done. I think that’s H-O-R for Stanley, and H-O for Phyllis. Phyllis: Are you calling me a ho? Jim: Oh my god. Phyllis, coming alive. I like it. Dwight: Question. What about carpooling, who pays for the gas? Michael: We take separate cars. Dwight: Question. Can sometimes I drive your car and you drive mine? Michael: Why would we do that? Dwight: Just for fun? Michael: No. Dwight: Question. Who is the primary on the fire insurance? Michael: EHHHHNT. Game over. Offer revoked. Dwight. I’m sorry, but you reach out and you try to be a nice guy, and help out a friend, and this is what happens. This is what I get. Oh god. I’m … Ok. Dwight: Thank god. It was nice of him to offer, but I live in a nine bedroom farm house. I have my own crossbow range. It’s a perfect situation for me. Although two bathrooms would have been nice, we just have the one. And it’s under the porch. Oscar: Ah… Everyone: OH! Jim: Who had someone from Vance Refrigeration? Ryan: I did. Jim: Ryan Howard. Ryan! [claps] Gold medal. Pam: I made something for our closing ceremonies. Jim: What? [looks in box] Oh my god. Where did you have time to make that? Pam: Automatic voicemail. Jim: Alright Pam, alright [gives her hi-five]. Nice work! Pam: [sees Angela making check mark on tally sheet] Stanley: A little bit more and I would have had it. Dwight: You know you can always refinance your mortgage. We had a 15 year on our beet farm. We paid it off early. Michael: Yeah, well, you know what? Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm. Beets are the worst. Dwight: People love beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets. Dwight: Everybody loves beets. Michael: Nobody likes beets, Dwight. Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy. I’d love a piece of candy right now. Not a beet. Dwight: Let’s get this roof going. Michael: Stop it! [smacks Dwight’s arm] Dwight: Ow. Jim: Final lap. Final lap. Time to beat is 1:15. Stanley: Oscar! Crowd: Go! Go! Go! Jim: Time to beat is one minute, 15 seconds. Here they come. [Michael and Dwight enter] Guys? Dwight: What is going on? Jim: Nothing. Guys? Timer’s still going? Er? Dwight: That’s my stopwatch. Jim: [hands expense report to Oscar] Here you go. All done. Oscar: Great. Jim: Yeah, I filled out the expense reports. That took about five minutes and then I closed two sales at lunch time. So, about as productive as any other day. If not more so. Ryan: I figured I could throw it away now, or I could keep it for a couple of months and then throw it away. I mean, it was really nice of Pam to make them, but what am I going to do with a gold medal made of paper clips and an old yogurt lid? Jim: Hey. Pam: I have 59 voicemails. Jim: Mmm. Hey, can you ignore those and do something for me instead? Pam: Sure. Jim: Okay, today. 5 o’clock. Closing Ceremonies. Pam: Really? Jim: Notify the athletes. Pam: Cool. Jim: Michael. Michael: Yeah. Jim. Slim Jim. What’s going… What’s going on? Jim: Nothing. I just wanted to congratulate you on your condo. Michael: Oh. Thanks. Thanks. It’s very cool. It’s a three bedroom, gay-friendly. Jim: Nice. Michael: You know. Jim: Hey, would you mind coming out here for a second? I just have something for you. Michael: Really? Michael: What’s this? Jim: These are the Closing Ceremonies. Step up. You’re on the top one. [Michael stands on podium] Congratulations to Michael, because he closed on his condo. So, gold medal. [everyone claps] Michael: I don’t really know what to say. Um, I’m not one for making speeches, but ah, my heart is very full at this moment. Jim: And for Dwight Schrute, the silver medal. Michael: Get up here, Dwight. Dwight: Silver medal. Michael: Yep, not as good as gold. [national anthem plays] Why are you playing the national anthem? Jim: Um… ‘Cause your condo’s in America. Michael: Oh. [doves move across cord] What the hell is that? Jim: Those are the doves.