Halloween
Written By: Greg Daniels Directed By: Paul Feig Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Happy Halloween, everyone! [notices Pam, in her cat costume] Oh… that’s great! Pam: Hey… Happy Halloween. Jan called. Michael: Ohh… Okay. Michael: I know why she’s calling. It’s the end of the month, and I was supposed to let somebody go by the end of the month. And somehow I’m supposed to put on a costume and smile. [dials a number on his speaker phone] Okay. Sherri: [on phone] Jan Levinson’s office. Michael: Hey, Sherri. Michael Scott returning. Sherri: Oh, she’s in a meeting. Uh, she just wanted the name of the employee you let go. Michael: Well, I’m gonna wait till the end of the day. Because the book said it’s best to wait till the end of the day. Sherri: I just need the name of who you’re planning to let go. Michael: I don’t know… yet. I will have to call her back. Sherri: I know she wanted the name. Michael: Okay… Sherri? Sherri: Yeah? Michael: If you were getting fired, how would you wanna be told so you could still be friends with the person firing you? Sherri: Jan wants the name as soon as possible, Michael. Michael: Thanks. Sherri: Mm-Hmm. Michael: I’ll call her back. [talks softy, to himself] Wish I could fire Sherri. Sherri: Hey, I’m still here. Michael: Okay! I’m sorry. Sherri: Yeah. Michael: No? Sherri: Okay. Michael: Bye. Sherri: Hanging up now. Michael: I mean you hear about layoffs in the news, but when you actually have to do it yourself, it is heavy stuff. It’s… these are people’s lives you’re talking about. Pam: [entering] You wanted me? Michael: Yes. Pam: [notices Michael’s costume] Papier-mache? Michael: Yes. Pam: Hmm. Michael: Yeeesh. Pam: Mm-hmm. Michael: Um, Pam, I have to let somebody go today. This is, uh, the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Pam: Why did you put it off until Halloween? Michael: Because it’s very scary stuff. Pam: I think it’s gonna put a damper on the party a little. Michael: You’re worried about the party? There’s a man’s life at stake here. Pam: So it’s a man? Michael: No. Or a woman. A human life. If you had to guess, who it would be based on their job performance… and who you think deserved to be fired – who would that be? Pam: I just answer the phone. Michael: And… sometimes you just let it go to voicemail. Pam: You’re costume is fantastic! [laughs] Michael: I know. I sent away for it in July from a catalog. [bobs his head around, causing the costume head to jiggle around] Pam: Oh no, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t. [Michael laughs] Aah! [laughs, then leaves] Okay… Michael: Oh, man. Okay, I have to fire somebody. Dwight: [eyeing Jim’s costume] What is that?! What are you supposed to be? Jim: I’m a three hole punch version of Jim. ‘Cause you can have me either way. Plain White Jim, or Three-hole Punch. Phyllis: That’s great! Jim: Oh, yeah. Dwight: Yeah, well look… [pulls his hood over his head and pops up his light saber] What about me? Phyllis: What are you? A monk? Dwight: I am a Sith Lord. [looks at Jim] Oh big deal. Three round pieces of paper taped to a shirt. This cost me 129 dollars. Phyllis: Ass. Michael: Hey. Oscar: Michael. Michael: You guys excited about the party? Angela: Yeah. Michael: It’s gonna be fun. Kevin: Yeah. Angela: Yes. Michael: [looks to Oscar] Oh, boy… look at you! Haha. Showing your colors. Bet you wish you wore a dress every day. Oscar: What are you implying? Michael: All good. Happy Halloween. What happened to all those spooky decorations that we had? The cobwebs and such? Angela: You know, I don’t know. We put them all up last night. Michael: Well, you know what? Go buy some more. I’ll approve the overages. Sound good? Angela: Yeah. Michael: Good. Oh, yeah, also about budget stuff. Um, I’m going to need you to find, like a, a full employee salary, plus benefits, like fifty grand. I’m going to need you to find 50 grand in the numbers. Angela: But we don’t keep two sets of books. Michael: Well, that’s not what I’m saying. Just, you know, find it. Pretend that your jobs depend on it. Michael: Mmm-hm-hmm. Interesting take on Dorothy. I love it. Hey, you know what would even be better? Soccer ball and cleats. Kelly: Why is that? Michael: “Bend It Like Beckham.” Kelly: Oh, like … the movie about the Indian girl who plays soccer? Michael: [laughs] Yeah. That would be perfect. Kelly: Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that. I don’t really play soccer or anything. Michael: Well, I don’t really have two heads. So… Dwight: Wait, what are you again? Oh, right… Three-hole PUNCH! [punches Jim in the chest and cracks up laughing] Pam: Okay, greatest strength. Jim: Okay, okay… Pam: A dog-like obedience to authority Jim: Nice. Pam: But that doesn’t sound good. Jim: Okay, okay. Um, how ’bout, the ultimate team player? [Pam laughs and types] Jim: Dwight is… special. But, I don’t believe that his talents are being used in this office. So Pam and I have put his resume on Monster.com, Google, Craig’s List. We’re really interested most in jobs that take Dwight out of state. Um, preferably Alaska… or India. Pam: He’s a gun nut. Jim: Um. He sticks to his guns. Angela: Well, I looked through all the budgets. And there is one department… Oscar: Yes? Angela: … that has three people… Oscar: Yeah? Angela: … doing the work that could be done by two. Oscar: This is great. [Angela shakes her head] Oh. Kevin: Yeah. Oh. Michael: Who do you think it should be? Dwight: Jim. Definitely. Michael: No, Jim brings in money. Dwight: Phyllis. Michael: Eh. Dwight: Stanley. Pam. Oscar. Meredith. Kevin. Angela. Michael: It’s not a popularity contest. Although it does make sense to fire the least popular because it has the least effect on morale. Dwight: One of the warehouse guys. Michael: [turns to the fake head, listening] What? There was someone left off that list? Who? Dwight: Who is he saying? Michael: You’re right, I didn’t even think of him. Dwight: No, Michael. Michael: Yeah, that’s actually a really good idea. Dwight: No, not me. Michael: Yeah… I could. Dwight: Not Dwight. Michael: I’m not saying that’s what he said. Dwight: I know that’s what he said. Michael: [listening to his head] What? Dwight: Tell him, not Dwight. Michael: That is not a very nice thing to say about him. Dwight: Tell him to stop. Michael: Are you kidding? Dwight: Quiet, you. Michael: I agree. He’d land on his feet. Dwight: Make him be quiet. Angela: Those aren’t chips and dip. Pam: No, I made brownies. Angela: Uh! Pam: … What? Angela: I’m just trying to figure out why you’re sabotaging things. Pam: I made brownies. Angela: And I made cookies. Same category. Pam: I’m guessing Angela’s the one in the neighborhood who gives the trick-or-treaters some toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. Pam: [on phone] Dunder-Mifflin. This is Pam. [listens] Uh, yeah. [snaps her fingers in the air, getting Jim’s attention] Just one second. I will, uh, transfer you to our manager, Michael Scott. Jim: Um… Whoa. [picks up ringing phone][in managerial voice] Michael Scott here. Yes, I am regional manager of this orifice. Mmm hmm. Dwight Schrute is amazing. Yeah. No, he is actually the single greatest employee of his generation. Mm hmm. You know what? I’m gonna tell you what. You hire Dwight K. Schrute, and if he does not meet, nay, exceed every one of your wildest expectations, well then, you can hold me, Michael Gary Scott, personally and financially responsible. Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay. Dwight: Stanley, could you come with me, please. Stanley: No. Dwight: As Assistant Regional Manager… Stanley: To the. Dwight: Look! I’ve got some bad news. You’re fired. You need to pack up your things and go. [Stanley laughs.] I’m serious, Stanley. It’s over. I’m sorry. Stanley: [laughs, and imitates Donald Trump] You’re fired. Get your fingers off my phone. Michael: So. How did it go with Stanley? How… how’d he take it? Dwight: He wouldn’t listen to me Michael: Ahh, come on. Dwight: If you want to fire him, you’re going to have to tell him yourself. Michael: I don’t wanna fire Stanley. I never said that. I’m certainly not going to do it myself. Get those big, baleful, eyes staring at me. Yikes. Just, okay, just… [waves Dwight away] Dwight: [whispering on the phone] Cumberland Mills?! And how did you get my resume? Oh no, no. I’m very flattered. Don’t get me wrong. I’m just not sure that it’s my official resume or if it’s something that maybe a satisfied customer posted online. What does it say under martial arts training? Oh. Okay, I’m gonna have to supplement that. Could I have your fax number? Dwight: Would I ever leave this company? Look, I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m getting paid for here is my loyalty. But, if there were somewhere else that valued that loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. Oscar: Oh… hey. Ryan: Oh, your dress is stuck in the back. Kind of just… Oscar: Oh. [fixes his dress] Dwight: [on the phone] So you got the fax? So why didn’t you add it to the res… ? What do you mean? Of course martial arts training is relevant. Oh, excuse me! I know about a billion Asians that would beg to differ. Uh, yeah, I get a little frustrated when I’m dealing with incompetence. Well, you know what? You can go to hell, too. And I will see you there… burning. Fine! Okay… oh wait! So you’ll let me know when you’ve made a decis… [stops and hangs up phone] Pam: Jim is really talented. And he should be the one who’s getting a better job offer. Like, for real. Pam: Don’t take this the wrong way, but… you should go for that job. Jim: Um… it’s in Maryland. Pam: Yeah, but I mean, look at the salary. And it’s definitely a step up. And a challenge. Jim: Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Maybe… maybe I will. [starts walking away] Pam: Jim… Dwight: This is called leveraging an offer. [walks into Michael’s office] Michael, can I talk to you for a moment? Michael: Oh, God. Dwight: I just thought you should know that I was just offered a job with better pay, better benefits and a better title at Cumberland Mills. Michael: Fantastic! Dwight: And I turned it down. Michael: What?! That would’ve solved all my problems. Dwight: Out of loyalty to this company… Michael: Oh, you idiot. Dwight: … so I was hoping to be made Assistant Regional Manager officially. Michael: If you left, I wouldn’t have to fire anybody. Dwight: But then you wouldn’t have me here. Michael: Big deal. Oh, it would’ve worked out so well. Can you get it back? Dwight: It’s in Maryland. Michael: You can call. Can you call ’em? Dwight: I can’t. I… I suppose I coul… no. They never really made me an offer anyway. Michael: Wohahah! Why are you torturing me?! God. Jim: Honestly, I don’t think Michael has the slightest clue of who he’s gonna fire. I think he keeps hoping that someone’s going to volunteer. Uh, or be run over by a bus before the deadline. But in the end, really, what’s going to happen is it’s gonna be the first person to give him a dirty look in the hall. And therein lies the true essence of his charisma. Michael: [clearing his throat and interrupting Jim’s talking head] Can I speak to you a minute? Jim: Um… yes. Jim: Michael, I really didn’t mean to… Michael: Help. Me. Jim: I’m sorry? Michael: I want you to role play firing me. I want you to fire me, and I will take it. Jim: Oh, you want me to be you? Michael: Yes. Jim: Okay. Michael: I want you to be me, and I will be Creed. Jim: Oh, are you firing Creed? Michael: No, no, no. That’s just the first thing… came… in head. Jim: We should switch seats in order to… Michael: Yes, that’s a good idea. Jim: Alright. [they stand up] Excuse me.[They sit down] I’m really sorry, but I have to let you go. And it’s purely budgetary. It’s not personal… Michael: Aaaahh! I’m gonna kill myself! Jim: Wow. Michael: I’m going to kill myself, and it’s your fault! Jim: That’s an overreaction. Michael: Corporate is really breathing down my neck. And they’re saying this has to be done by the end of the month. Jim: Is this you? Are you being you, or is this Creed? Are you… Michael: I… this is Creed. Jim: Okay. Michael: I’m improvising, so just try to keep up. [phone rings] Jim: Oh, hold that thought. Hold that thought. Michael: And I’m very angry, and I want… Jim: [picks up the phone] Michael Scott here. Michael: I’m gonna kill you. I’m going to kill you for firing me. Jim: Toby? Mm hmm. [looks back to Michael] I really have to take this Creed, so it was really worth… Michael: Get off, get off. No, no. Okay... just get off. [sits back down in his chair and waves Jim off] Just, just… yeah. Pam: What happened? Jim: It wasn’t me. Pam: Oh. That was like crazy. ‘Cause I was… Jim: Yeah, I know. Michael: Uh, hey… Creed? Creed: Huh? Michael: Could I talk to you for a second? Michael: You are great. Very ambitious. And I feel like you want more than this little office has to offer. And I understand that you’d wanna just spread your wings, and fly the coop. Creed: What are you telling me? Michael: I… we’re gonna have to… You… you want something better. Creed: No, I don’t. I wanna stay right here. Michael: No, you wanna leave. Creed: No, I wanna stay here. Michael: Why… why are you making this so hard? Creed: Um, I think there’s a misunderstanding, Michael. Michael: I think you’re right. Creed: Can I go? Michael: No, of course you can’t go. We haven’t even started this horrible process of… okay, Creed. I need to let somebody go today. They told me I need to let somebody go. And as much as I think you’re a great guy, and I like you, you’re… you’re, goodbye. Creed: Let’s fight it. Michael: Hmm? Creed: Let’s call Jan and fight this thing together like the old days. Michael: What old days? What are you talking about? Creed: Did you start the paperwork yet? Michael: It’s right here on the desk, yeah. Creed: You don’t have to do this, Michael. Michael: I can’t, I can’t… Creed: Undo it! Michael: I can’t change anything. This is the way… Creed: No, you have the power to undo it. Michael: I don’t… okay, just listen. Creed: Michael, undo it! Michael: Don’t… Michael: Yeah, I went hunting once. Shot the deer in the leg, had to kill it with a shovel. Took about an hour. Why do you ask? Michael: I have to fire someone today, okay? Creed: Fine. Fire someone else. Fire Devon. He’s terrible. I am so much better at my job than Devon. Michael: Okay, well… I already picked you. And you know that. So, unless I just go through with this, you’re always gonna look at me as the guy who almost fired you. Creed: No, no, no, no, no, no. I will forget so fast. You will be my savior. You’re they guy who gave me my life back. Thank you. I knew you’d see it my way Michael. God Bless you. You’re a fine man. Michael: Don’t… Creed: Listen, you will not regret this either. Devon is terrible; No one’s gonna miss him. Good, good, good. Michael: Devon, could I talk to you for a sec? Devon: Creed’s an idiot, you know that. Michael: Well, he… Devon: No, no, no, no, no, no! You had it right the first time. Michael: Well, maybe I did. Devon: Exactly. You gotta go with your gut, man. Michael: Huh. No! I can’t, no. I can’t go back. I would look like an idiot. Devon: That’s why I’m being fired? Michael: No. Devon: So you might not look like an idiot? Michael: No. It was all the stuff that I said. It was the business downturn, the cutbacks, and, and… Devon: This is unbelievable! Michael: I just hope that you and I can remain friends. Michael: Devon, wait, please. Devon: What! Michael: Look, look. In addition to severance, and everything, I want to give you this gift certificate to Chili’s. From me. Okay? No hard feelings. Devon: [takes the gift certificate and tears it up] Kevin, Jim, Pam, Kelly, Toby, Oscar, Meredith, Phyllis, Stanley, or the temp. If any of you wanna meet me for a drink, I’m going to be at Poor Richard’s. And the rest of you can go to hell! Angela: [watching nearly everyone leave] What about the Halloween party? Pam: Oh, hey, Jim. Wait, stop. Um, I’m sorry… for pushing you towards Cumberland. Seriously, if you left here, I would blow my brains out. Jim: [motions for her to follow him] Come on. Jim: That’s just a figure of speech, you know? Blow your brains out? Come on. All it really means is that we’re friends. Who else is she gonna talk to if I’m gone, right? I mean, if she left, I wouldn’t blow my brains out. Of course, I would take that job in Maryland. Because it’s double the pay, and soft shell crab just happens to be my favourite food. Michael: I love Halloween. You know, it’s just, it’s just fun. Every year, it’s just fun. Last Halloween I came as Janet Jackson’s boob. It was topical. People got a… a big kick out of it. The year before that, I came as Monica Lewinsky, and I wore a stained dress. The year before that, I also came as Monica Lewinsky. And before that, I was O.J. It was pretty funny. Oh, I wish you were here last year. Children: [ringing the doorbell of Michael’s Condo] Trick or treat! Michael: He… Hey, hey, hey, hey! How you doing? Wow! You guys looks great. Kid: I’m a bumble bee. Michael: You look great! And you’re a princess? Kid: A fairy princess. Michael: A fairy princess. You’re very… . Kid: I’m a lion. Michael: You’re a lion. [trying to to open a bag of candy] Wow, I want to hear your, your… Oh! [the bag tears open, spilling all the candy] Oh, okay, that’s all yours. That’s all yours. Grab it, grab it. You know what? You guys are getting all of these.