The Client
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin [Ryan enters office] Ryan: Hey, have they left for the big meeting yet? I’ve got Michael’s lucky tie. Jim: No. They’re in the conference room. Ryan: Good. Pam: Wait, are those Michael’s Levis? Ryan: Yeah, who dry-cleans jeans? Pam: Michael and his jeans. He gets in them, and I’m not exactly sure what happens. But I can tell you, he loves the way he looks in those jeans. I know that’s why he started casual Fridays. Pam: [to Ryan] I’ll take those. Thanks. [throws jeans under her desk] Jan: This is a projection of the county’s needs… Michael: Wow, graphs and charts, somebody’s really been doing their homework. Looks like USA Today. Jan: Thirteen schools, uh, two hospitals… Jim: So this possible client they’re talking about, actually a big deal. It’s Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this, they may not have to downsize our branch. And I could work here for years. And years. [groan] Years. Jan: So when we get to the Radisson, I’d like to, um- Michael: I changed it. To Chili’s. Jan: Excuse me? Michael: Radisson just gives out this vibe, “Oh, I’m doing business at the Radisson”. It’s kind of snooty. So. Jan: You had no right to do that, Michael. Michael: Here’s the thing. Chili’s is the new golf course. It’s where business happens. Small Businessman Magazine. Jan: It said that. Michael: It will. I sent it in. Letter to the editor. Jan: Alright. But you will let me run this meeting. Michael: Uh huh, uh huh. [under his breath] Power trip. Jan: What? Oscar: She had done a background check on me, she had it printed out. Jim: No… Oscar: Yeah. And she was asking me about stuff, line by line, while we were having dinner. Toby: That is unbelievable. Pam: What is going on? Jim: We are doing worst first dates. Pam: Oh my God, I win! Ok, it was a minor league hockey game. He brought his brother, and when I went to the bathroom, the game ended and they forgot about me. Oscar: Ok, that’s a joke. Pam: No, they had to come back for me. Jim: Wait, when was this? Pam: Umm… it was not that long ago. Kelly: Wait, not Roy. Say it’s not your fiancé. [laughs] Jim: I always knew Pam has refused to go to sports games with Roy, but I never knew why. Interesting. Michael: Ok, let’s do this thing. [to Pam] Wish us luck. Dwight: Good luck, Michael. Good luck, Jan. Jan: Thank you. Michael: [under his breath] Kiss ass. Ok, probably going to go late tonight. Burning the midnight tequila. So, I think you could all just take off now. Jan: Michael, shouldn’t take more than an hour. Michael: Well… Jan: Do you always shut down the entire office when you leave for an hour? Michael: No, no. That would not be efficient. Actually, they just don’t get very much work done when I’m not here. [Jan stares at Michael] That’s not true. I know how to delegate, and they do more work done when I’m not here. Not more. The same amount of work is done, whether I am here or not. [another Jan stare] Hey, everybody, listen up. This is what we’re gonna do. You sit tight, until I return. Sound good? Doesn’t matter, it’s an order. Follow it blindly, mwahahaha, ok? Alright, ciao. [to Oscar] Adios! Jan: So which way is Chili’s? Michael: Uh, I’ll drive. Jan: Oh, no, that’s alright. I wanna leave straight from there. Michael: It’s just a couple blocks away, so… boy, you really don’t know Scranton, do you? Jan: I know Scranton. Michael: At all! Jan: Alright. Michael: You ever been to Scranton, Jan? Dar de- Jan: If it’s a couple blocks away- Michael: Dar de dar. Jan: Ok. Michael: Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead. Michael: We should come up with a signal of some sort. Jan: Why would we need a signal? Michael: Well, in case one of us gets into trouble, the other one can signal- Jan: What kinda trouble are you planning on getting in, Michael? Michael: Well, I… it could be either of us. Jan: You’re gonna let me do the talking, we agreed on that. Michael: Yeees. Michael: Hello? Christian? Christian: Yes. Michael: Thought that was you. Hi. Michael Scott. This is Jan Levinson-Gould. Jan: Just Jan Levinson. Michael: No Gould? Jan: No. [to Christian] Thank you very much for meeting with us. Have you been waiting long? Christian: No, not long. Michael: Uh, Jan, what happened? Jan: Michael. Michael: Is Gould dead? What uh- Jan: Michael, we got divorced, ok? [to Christian] I’m so sorry. Excuse me. Michael: Wow, you’re kidding me! Do you wanna talk about? Jan: Michael. [to hostess] Uh, could we have a table for three, please? Michael: When did this happen? Jan: We’re in a meeting. Michael: Ok. Hostess: This way, please. Jan: Christian. Michael: Alright, after you. Christian: Thank you. Michael: [mouths “Wow” to the camera] Jan: I thought we could start by going over the needs of the county. Christian: Right. Well, Lackawanna County has not been immune to the slow economic growth over the past five years. So for us, the name of the game is budget reduction- Michael: Awesome blossom. Jan: What? Michael: [to Christian] I think we should share an Awesome Blossom, what do you say? They are awesome. Want to, Christian, blossom? Christian: Sure. Michael: Ok, it’s done. Actually, [turns around] Megan, may we have an Awesome Blossom, please, extra awesome? Now it’s done. Jan: So- Michael: I heard a- Jan: If you have a- Michael: Very very funny joke the other day. Wanna hear it? Jan: Christian, you don’t have to listen to this. Christian: It’s ok, I like jokes. Michael: Ok. Jan: Just the one. Michael: Just one joke. Ok. Well, if it’s just gonna be one, I will think of a different joke. Umm… let’s see… choo choo choo. Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam, it’s Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me. Pam: [to Michael on speakerphone] Ok, you want me to read ’em? Michael: Yes. Pam: Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him- Michael: No. Pam: When- Michael: Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one. Pam: Ok. There’s a transcript between a naval ship- Michael: Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning? Pam: Sure. There’s a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse. Jim: Is this real? [Pam dumps Michael’s screenplay on Jim’s desk] Pam: It is a screenplay. Starring himself. Jim: Agent Michael Scarn. Pam: Of the FBI. Jim: How long is this? [flips through pages] Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings. Pam: What is that? Jim: Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn’t really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like. Michael: First guy says “Well, I’m an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn”. And the second guy says, “Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort”. And the third guy says “I gotcha both beat, I’m a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe”. Christian: Ohhh no! [laughs] Oh my God, that’s funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose! Jan: [to waitress] Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please? Jim: Do we all have our copy of “Threat Level: Midnight”, by Michael Scott? Everyone: Yeah, yeah. Jim: Alright, let’s get this started. I’m gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones. Phyllis: That’s the character’s name? Jim: Oh yeah- Dwight: Ok, you guys should not be doing this. Jim: Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy. Dwight: You took something that doesn’t belong to you. Jim: Dwight- Dwight: Brought it in here- Jim: Do you want to play- Dwight: Made copies of it- Jim: The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn? Michael: [making the mouth on his tie talk] Yum! Yum yum yum! [Christian laughs] That’s delicious! I love it! Jan: We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can’t match. Christian: Well, we are out to save money. Jan: What’s the bottom line? Michael: Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop. Michael: That’s why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn’t have to just shout non-sense words. That’s her fault. Michael: Did somebody say “baby back ribs”? Hmmm? Hmmmmm? Jan: I don’t think Christian has time for that. Christian: I have time. Michael: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back [Christian laughs] Michael and Christian: [singing] I want my baby back, baby back, baby back- Michael: [singing] Chili’s baby back ribs… Jim: [reading the screenplay] Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters. Phyllis: Sir, you have some messages. Dwight: Not now! Phyllis: They’re important. Dwight: Ok, what are they? Phyllis: First message is: “I love you”. That’s from me. Dwight: Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk! Dwight: Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of “Oklahoma” in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good. Dwight: If it isn’t my old partner, Samuel L. Chang. Ryan: Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight. Dwight: Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission. [Pam gets up to talk to Roy] Pam: Hey, uh, I have to work late. Roy: [looks around conference room] You’re joking right? Jim: Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the- Dwight: Pow! Pow! Pow! Ryan: Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word. Kevin: Michael’s movie? Two thumbs down. [smiles] Heh. Jim: A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. [out of character] Uh… Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface? Oscar: Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet? Dwight: Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage. Ryan: I forget it, brutha. Dwight: Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you’re disgusting, Dwigt. [out of character] Wait, who’s Dwigt? Pam: Here’s what we think happened. Michael’s sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who’s causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn’t work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops. Dwight: D-W-I-G-H-T. Dwight: Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That’s it, the end. Jim: Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so- Dwight: Uh, you don’t speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now. Jim: That’s actually a good idea. We’ll all take a brief intermission. [To Pam] Hey, are you hungry? Pam: Yeah. Jim: Yeah? Christian: So, after watching my mum go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her. Michael: Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh. Jan: Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really. Michael: Oh, so you’re not gonna play? She’s not playing. Christian: It’s not fair. Michael: She’s not playing the game. Jan: We’d been fighting for a while- Michael: Check please. Jan: He didn’t want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine. Christian: You didn’t. Jan: I was stupid. Michael and Christian: No. Michael: No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right? Christian: That’s right. Michael: You know? Christian: You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists. Michael: It’s true. Christian: You said “World, this is my blood! It’s red, just like yours. So love me!” Jim: I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I’m not a complainer. Jim: [Pam lights a candle] Wow. Pam: For the bugs. Jim: Nice. That’s excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich. Pam: Yes… nice! I can’t remember the last time someone made me dinner. Christian: Right down the street? Michael: Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin’. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It’s home, you know? I know the challenges this county’s up against. Here’s the thing about those discount suppliers. They don’t care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we’re all gone, they jack up the prices. Christian: I know. Michael: It’s bad. Christian: It’s terrible. Michael: It, you know what, it really is. Jan: Uh- [Michael signals for her to shh] Christian: I don’t know. I guess I could give you guys our business, but you have to meet me half way, ok, because they’re expecting me to make cuts. Michael: Well, corporate’s gonna go ballistic, but, uh, you think we could Jan? Jim: So, I guess I’ll see you in [looks at watch] ten hours. Pam: What are you going to do with your time off? Jim: Travel. I’ve been looking forward to it. It’s gonna be… really nice. Gonna find myself. Pam: [points to Jim’s iPod] You have new music? Jim: Yeah. [Pam puts her hand out for an earbud] Definitely. Michael: [waving to Christian] See ya. Jan: Bye… thanks. [pumps fist] Yes! Michael: We did it! Jan: We got it! Michael: Nailed it. Nailed it! Come here. Jan: I am really- [Michael kisses Jan] Thrilled. [Michael and Jan kiss again] Let’s go. Michael: What!? Jan: Let’s go. Michael: Goin’. Ok. Where we goin’? Doesn’t matter. Goin’ to the go go. [nervous laugh] Oh-ok. Dwight: [waking up on office couch] Michael? Michael? [goes into Michael’s office] Michael? [looks out Michael’s window] His car’s not in the parking lot. I should check the accident reports. [taxi pulls into Dunder-Mifflin parking lot] Who’s this? Jan? Michael: Morning, Pam. Hey. Michael: No, nothing happened. I-I swear, nothing happened. What, I’m, totally being serious. A gentleman does not kiss and tell, and neither do I. [laughs] No, seriously, guys, I’m not, I don’t want to go into it at all. It’s off limits. Fine, I took her back to her hotel and we made out for a little while. It was great. I mean she told me about her divorce, we talked for about five hours, she fell asleep on my arm. So. Michael: Hello, Dwight. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: Who. Dwight: Jan Levinson-Gould. Michael: Uh, no, no, no Gould. Dwight: Did you do her? Michael: This is none of your affair because she is your boss- Dwight: And she is your boss. Michael: And she is a woman. She is a strong, soft, thoughtful, sexy woman. And you know what? I don’t think that I can sit here and let you talk about her that way without me defending her honor. [to camera] Jan, I defend your honor. [to Dwight] Is that all? Jim: Jan didn’t come back for her car last night. Pam: What!? Jim: Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn has finally found his Catherine Zeta? Pam: Oh, I don’t know… [Jim laughs, phone rings] Oh my God. This is Jan’s cell. Jim: No way. Pam: Dunder-Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: I know we have to register as a consensual sexual relationship with HR. My question: do I do it as the man? Does she do it as my superior? I don’t know. That leads to other issues that we may have in our relationship. It’s, uh, [phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Hi! Just talking about you. The camera? No. Uh huh. How’s traffic? I miss you. What. Ok. Well, if it was a mistake, it was a wonderful mistake. No. [to camera] Would you excuse me? [to Jan] No, I did not intentionally get you drunk. Um hmm. No, no. [goes under his desk] This is just a fight. This is just a first fight of many fights we’re gonna have. Right. No. Wha-so-I don’t understand, you wanna see other people. Only other people. Wh-why, ok, I think you’re still a little bit drunk [to camera which is now under desk] Excuse me? Excuse me?! [to Jan] I think you’re, yes, why don’t you just come back here, go to the hotel, have a few drinks and-no, no. I didn’t slip you something! Jim: Some might even say that we had our first date last night. Pam: Oh, really? Jim: Really. Pam: Why might some say that? Jim: Cause there was dinner, by candlelight. Pam: Uh hmm. Jim: Dinner and a show, if you include Michael’s movie. [Pam nods reluctantly] And there was dancing and fireworks. Pretty good date. Pam: We didn’t dance. Jim: You’re right, we didn’t dance. It was more like, swaying. But still romantic. Pam: Swaying isn’t dancing. Jim: Least I didn’t leave you at a high school hockey game. Pam: I have some faxes to get out. Jim: Oh, come on, Pam. I- Jim: Ok, we didn’t dance. I was totally joking anyway. I mean, it’s not really a date if the girl goes home to her fiancé. Right?