Christmas Party
Written By: Michael Schur Directed By: Charles McDougall Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Go. Get the door. Michael: Here we are. Dwight: Go. Push! Michael: Oh god. Dwight: Push! Michael: No, no, turn it around. Dwight: Really shove it. Michael: You’ll break it. Dwight: Shove it through! Break it! Michael: You shove it. Shove it back! Here we go. Don’t break the branches, Dwight. Michael: All right. Dwight: I got a splinter. Michael: Well, suck it up. We all have problems. Hey, everybody, look what we have! [laughs] Nice, huh? Dwight: I’ve got it leveraged. Push. Straight up. Michael: On three. Ready? Big, one, two, three. Dwight: One, two, three. [they push the tree up and it breaks through a ceiling tile] Michael: Merry Christmas! Michael: Did it work? Kevin: [holds up the piece of tree he just cut off with a paper cutter] Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big? Michael: A, that’s what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. Kevin: But what are we going to do with this hacked off part? Michael: Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That’s what Christmas is all about. Jim: So this year, for the first time ever, I got Pam in Secret Santa. And I got her this teapot, which I know she really wants, so she can make tea at her desk. But I’m also going to stuff it with some inside jokes. Like, this is my high school yearbook photo. She saw it at the party, and it really makes her laugh. Not sure why. What else ... ooh. This is a hot sauce packet. She put this on a hot dog a couple years ago because she thought it was ketchup. And it was really funny, so I kept the other two. [holds up a miniature pencil] This would take a little too long to explain, so I won’t. And this is the card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel. Angela: Is there anything we’re missing? Phyllis, you got the lights? Phyllis: Yes, I got those cute little ones. [Angela looks at her disapprovingly] Do you think I should have gotten the big ones? Angela: We’ll see. Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me seems excessive. [enters the conference room dressed in a Santa hat and beard] Michael: Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho, [points to Ryan] pimp. I’m kidding. What do we got, what do we got? How many plates are we getting? Angela: Fifty. Michael: Double it. Double everything. Double ice cream. Double napkins. Double it. On me. Michael: It was a tough year. I had to fire somebody this year. This party has to really rock. Check it out. Christmas bonus. 3,000 G’s. I got this for helping save the company money. So I guess some good came out of firing Devon after all. Maybe I should call him and tell him that. Michael: I want people to cut loose. I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lamp shades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party. And also, I want you to spread the word that I will have my digital camera. And I’ll be taking pictures all along the way. And the best and craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter. Incentive. Pam: You do realise that we can’t serve liquor at the party. Michael: Yeah, I know. Damn it. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody. Kevin & Oscar: One, two, three. [they lift and start to move a desk] Dwight: You guys should use a hand truck. Kevin: Do we have one? Dwight: No. Angela: [having trouble with a plastic tablecloth as Pam stands idly by] Will you help me? Michael: No! No way! It… no. Darryl: Come on, Mike, let me borrow the hat for just a couple of hours. Michael: You wanna be Santa? Darryl: Yeah. Michael: Have you ever seen Santa? Darryl: Yeah, I’ve seen Santa. Michael: Okay. Darryl: Who cares? Michael: Well, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work. Dwight: Michael, I would like to be the elf. Michael: That makes sense because he has elfish features. Dwight: [now wearing an elf hat and ears] Okay, everybody listen up! It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Michael. Toby: I got Angela. She is into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that. Oscar: I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don’t know anything about Creed. I know his name’s Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he’s Irish and I ... I got him this shamrock keychain. Kevin: I got myself for Secret Santa. I was supposed to tell somebody, but I didn’t [smiles happily]. Michael: You get something good this year? Jim: I think I did a pretty good job. Michael: Yeah? Who did you have? Jim: Well, I can’t tell you cause it’s a secret. Michael: I think I got something pretty nice for my guy. Jim: Yeah? Michael: I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow. Jim: Well, there’s a $20 limit, right? So ... ? Michael: Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond. Jim: That’s great. Well don’t tell me who it is, cause I can ... Michael: It was Ryan. Yeah. I have Ryan. Dwight: Gather round. Secret Santa, let’s go. Let’s go. Come on. Stanley, no, I’m going to handle the cord. Okay, safety reasons. Stanley: I know how to plug something in. Dwight: I want to do it. Michael: All right, let’s count it down, like Rockefeller Center. Ready? All: Three, two, one. [very dim lights come on the tree] Michael: Not great. Phyllis: I’m sorry, everybody. Pam: I think the tree looks nice. Dwight: Hey, I could get some flares from my car. Michael: No, no. Shake it off, everybody. Just, let’s do Secret Santa. Michael: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, “Hey, man, I love you this many dollars worth.” Dwight: First present, Oscar. Oscar: [rips off the wrapping] Shower radio. Neat. Kelly: Oh, good, that was from me. Oscar: Thanks, Kelly. You know I was gonna get one of ... Dwight: Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Let’s keep it moving on. Jim. Jim: Oh, cool. [opens his plastic bag] Creed: That’s from me. Jim: Great. Where did you get it? Creed: I don’t know. It was so long ago. Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went in his closet and dug out this little number [holds up way-too-short sleeves] and then threw it in a bag. Creed: Yep. That’s exactly what happened. Dwight: Pam. Pam: [opens up her present] Oh, my god! Thank you very much, Santa, whoever you are. It’s awesome. Jim: There’s a little more to it. Dwight: All right, next. Ryan. [tosses present] Michael: No, don’t! Ryan: [unwraps present] Whoa, a video iPod. Michael: Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away. Ryan: Wasn’t there a $20 limit on the gift? This is 400 bucks. Michael: You don’t know that. Ryan: Yeah, you left the price tag on. Michael: I did? Ryan: Yeah. Michael: What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn’t matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right? Dwight: Michael. Michael: Oh hey, for me. What is in here? [opens a handmade oven mitt] Oh, come on. Phyllis: I knitted it for you. Michael: An oven mitt? Okay. [walks out] Michael: So Phyllis is basically saying, “Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt’s worth.” I gave Ryan an iPod. Kevin: Should we just keep opening up the presents? Dwight: We don’t do anything until Michael gives us further instructions. Michael: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap. Jim: What is Yankee Swap? Michael: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person’s gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal somebody else’s gift or choose a new gift. Jim: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas. Pam: Yeah, we call it White Elephant. Michael: Well, I call it fun! Oscar: Why are we doing this? Michael: Because it’s better. Because it’s more special. Angela: It sounds mean. Michael: Shut it. No, it’s not. Okay, just give it a shot. Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He’s not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [starts to cry] Michael: Okay, Meredith is up first. Here’s the deal. You can either pick a new gift or you can steal somebody else’s gift that they’ve already gotten, like the oven mitt. Meredith: I’ll take the teapot. Jim: Oh, shouldn’t we … I bought that specifically for Pam. Michael: Yankee Swap! That’s what makes it fun. Pam, you can steal the oven mitt now. Pam: I’ll take the iPod. Ryan: And I have to give it to her? I don’t have a choice? Dwight: Yes, now you can steal the oven mitt, the old shirt or the shower radio or pick a new gift. Stanley: [after Ryan opens a new gift – a nameplate saying ‘Kelly’] That was meant for Kelly. Ryan: Yeah, I figured. Michael: I think this is going great. Kelly: [unwrapping the poster] Yikes. Toby: Well, it’s for Angela, so ... Kelly: That’s like, the creepiest thing that I’ve ever seen. Dwight: Angela, you’re up. Angela: I’ll take the poster. Some people like these. Kelly: I will steal the iPod. Michael: Everyone wants the iPod. It’s a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle. Michael: Oh, well, Oscar, you little gourmand, you have the next turn. Oscar: I’ll take the … teapot. Meredith: Damn it. Dwight: Okay, moving along. Meredith, let’s go. Meredith: I really want the iPod. Dwight: It’s already been stolen this round. Pick something else. Michael: [holding oven mitt] I hope nobody takes this baby, cause this is great. Wow, look at that fine craftsmanship. Somebody really put a lot of work into that. It’s beautiful. Meredith: I’ll take the oven mitt. Michael: Sucker! See, I wanted somebody to take it. Boom! Reverse psychology. Michael: Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but basically you make someone think the opposite of what you believe and that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm. Michael: [opens present] “In addition to these paintball pellets, your gift includes two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute.” Dwight: You and me, Michael. Yes! Michael: Who wants to take paintball lessons? How is that better than an iPod? Dwight: I never said it was better than an iPod. Dwight: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand. Dwight: [shooting paintball gun at target] Take that, Saddam! Michael: Last gift. Kevin. Kevin: I want the foot bath. Kevin: That’s the thing I bought myself. I’m really psyched to use it. [pauses] Maybe I should have taken the iPod. Oh, shoot. Dwight: Pam, steal something or pick the final gift. Pam: I want the iPod. Kelly: Damn it. Jim: Sure you don’t want the teapot? Pam: Well, I mean, it’s an iPod. But ... Jim: Right. Pam: Sorry, I ... Jim: No. No. Definitely. It’s ... Kelly: Okay, well, I guess I will take that book of short stories. Dwight: Yes! There you go. I want the teapot. Gracias. Jim: Got to be kidding me. Dwight: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets … Christmas. Michael: [after Phyllis leaves suddenly] What is she so upset about? Pam: Maybe because you hated her present so much. Michael: Come on! I think that Yankee Swap was a big hit! I think it’s a success and I’m the one who ended up with Dwight’s stupid paintball pellets. Jim: Yeah, but, Michael, the point is that we all bought gifts for specific people. Stanley: And you should have just bought a $20 gift like everyone else. Michael: Well, I didn’t. I got a big bonus because I fired Devon, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me! Oscar: You got a bonus check? Pam: How much? Michael: It wasn’t. It wasn’t that much. It was $3,000. Stanley: All right, I’m done now. Michael: Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party’s so lame. Liquor Store Clerk: It comes to $166.41. Michael: All right, now, you’re the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Liquor Store Clerk: Fifteen bottles of vodka? Yeah, that should do it. Michael: Cool, cool. Box it up. Jim: I bought this teapot for Pam, and I know she really wants it. So, can I trade you for it? Dwight: No trades. Jim: Come on, it’s a shamrock keychain. Good luck. Dwight: “A real man makes his own luck.” Billy Zane. Titanic. Jim: Look, it has sentimental value, Dwight. Can I buy it from you? Dwight: No. I want it. I’m going to use it. Jim: You don’t even drink tea. Dwight: True. But I get sinus infections, and sinus infections can be cured by making your tea from green tea leaf stems ... Jim: Okay ... Dwight: ... and pouring it directly into your nose, like so. [demonstrates] Jim: To think that my gift for Pam will be used for that, it’s a little too much to handle. Roy: This is awesome. Pam: I know. It’s totally going to change the way I work out. Roy: Yeah, I was gonna get you one of these for Christmas, and now I don’t have to. I’m gonna save a ton of money. Pam: So what are you going to get me instead? Roy: I don’t know. Probably like, a sweater or something. Michael: Uh-oh. Looks like Santa was a little naughty. Angela: What is that? Michael: This is Christmas spirit, as in spirits, booze. Meredith: We can drink? Toby: We’re really not supposed to serve alcohol. Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just ... I mean, it’s a party. Come on. If I can’t throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink? Meredith: Me. Please. Michael: Go, here we go! Meredith: The deal is that this is my last hurrah, cause I made a New Year’s resolution that I’m not going to drink anymore. During the week. Phyllis: Hi guys. Ryan: Hey. Phyllis: Does everybody know my boyfriend, Bob Vance? Kevin: Kevin Malone. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Stanley: Stanley Hudson. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: Ryan Howard. Bob Vance: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob? Roy: I think after I lost Culpepper and T.O it was over, man. Darryl: Oh, yeah, I need McMahon, Deion Branch to have big games or else I’m done. Roy: It’s possible. I can’t believe you traded Shaun Alexander, man. Darryl: I had to. I needed defense. Roy: Come on! Shaun Alexander? He’s the best back in the league. Darryl: It’s defense. Roy: Oh, no. That is not worth it. Darryl: It is worth it. Roy: Never. Darryl: Are you kidding? You wait. Michael: Anybody making out in here? [checks hallway] Not yet, give it time. Oh, hey, Ebenezer, boink. [takes picture of Jim] Okay, how’s it going in here? [takes picture of Meredith and Kevin] Ryan: We’re running low on cups. Do you want me to just run out and get some? Angela: There should be some ... Michael: No, no, no, no. We’ll find some, don’t leave the party. Phyllis, Meredith, Michael, Kevin: One, two, three. [do a shot] Michael: Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee. Ryan: Oh, no. Michael: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ryan: I really did not do anything. Michael: Oh, no, no. No false modesty, my friend. Jim: You know, you don’t have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know. Pam: [laughs] No, I was just checking out my present. [holds up teapot] Jim: But ... Pam: I traded with Dwight. Just, I figured, you know, you went to a lot of trouble and it means a lot. And also, Roy got me an iPod or was going to get me an iPod, so ... Jim: Well, either way. This is an amazing gift because it comes with bonus gifts. Look inside. Pam: [opens teapot] Oh my god! The yearbook picture! Pam: Yeah, I think I made the right choice. Pam: Oh, my God! It’s incredible. [Jim reaches and steals his card back before she can notice it] Is this the Boggle timer? Jim: I didn’t think you were going to get that one. I really didn’t. Dwight: This is so awesome. Michael: Not bad. And if it couldn’t go to Ryan, you are the guy I’d want it to go to. Dwight: Thank you. Michael: You’re welcome. Todd Packer: [grabbing Michael around the neck] Merry Christmas, asswipe! Michael: No way. Oh, you’re kidding me. Packer! Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen! Todd Packer: [rapping] What’s up my nerds. Check it out. [points at the mistletoe stuck down his pants] Michael: Oh, no, no. Oh look at that. Icing on the cake. Todd Packer: Pacman need a drinky. Michael: Oh, let’s fix you up. Who wants to fix up ... Toby. Toby’s gonna fix you up. Kevin: [listening to music through headphones] Yeahhh. Michael: Darryl. There you go. [hands him the Santa hat] You earned it. Darryl: That’s okay, Mike. Michael: No, no, no, no. I really, really want you to have it. Darryl: All right. Thanks, man. Michael: Hey, Merry Christmas. Ryan: [looking at Xeroxed butt pictures] Whose butt is that? Kevin: Mine. Ryan: Oh, how did I not guess that? Michael: [coming out of his office] Lampshade on head! It’s happening! Creed: [as Jim decorates a passed out Todd Packer] Oh, no. Kelly: Hey. Dwight: Oh, hello there. [Kelly leans up and kisses him] But what are you doing? Kelly: I don’t know. Dwight: You shouldn’t do things like that. The man is supposed to do that. Kevin: Thanks for the party, Michael. Meredith: Yeah. Bob Vance: Oh, hey. Listen up. We’re going to Poor Richard’s. Who’s in? Oscar: I’m in. Dwight: Yes. Oscar: Michael? Poor Richard’s? Michael: Yeah, that sounds good. Michael: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What’s better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It’s really the greatest day of all time. Michael: Hey, Meredith. Heading over to Poor Richard’s? Meredith: Yep. Michael: Cool, cool, cool. Do you need a ride? [Meredith drops her top. Michael takes a picture] All right, let’s head out. Sounds good. Do you have a coat? Meredith: Yeah. Michael: Okay!