The Secret
Written By: Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky Directed By: Dennie Gordon Transcribed By: Admin Jim: Not much what’s up with you? Pam: Oh, I can not believe I fell for that. [laughing] Oh, my God. Michael: Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where’s the funny? Give it to me. Jim: Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here? Michael: What’s up-dog? Jim: Nothin’ much what’s up with you? Michael: Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that’s brilliant! Michael: Hey, Stanley, is that jacket make of up-dog? Stanley: I’m on the phone. Michael: Mmm, what flavor coffee is that? Up-dog? Ryan: What’s that? Michael: I don’t know, nothin’, what’s up with you? Ryan: Huh? Michael: [low] No, damn it! Kevin: What does that mean? Michael: What does what mean? Kevin: The thing you just said? Michael: Just forget it. Michael: Dwight! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog? Dwight: What’s up-dog? Michael: Gotcha! [laughing] Oh, God. [low] Crap! Nothin’ how ya doing? Dwight: Good. How are you doing? Jim: [mouthing] So close. Michael: [low] Damn it. Michael: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin. And yes I know its January. I am not an idiot. But, if you do your Spring cleaning in January; guess what you don’t have to do in the spring? Anything. They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say that an empty desk means a… Dwight: Empty mind. Michael: No, that’s not… no, that’s not what I was going to say. Dwight: Meredith, men’s room. Make sure you replace the urinal cakes. They’re worn down. Kevin file drawers. Angela kitchen. Oscar dusting. Where is Oscar? Angela: He’s out sick. Dwight: That’s unacceptable. Angela: I agree it’s unacceptable. [longing look] Kevin: Whhh… What are you guys doing? Dwight: Michael. Michael: Yes. Dwight: Oscar is out sick. Michael: On a Friday? [Dwight nods] Dwight: Can I do some of the talking? Michael: I will do all the talking. Dwight: Okay, let him know that I’m here. Oscar: Hello. Michael: What difference does it make whether your here? Oscar: Hello? Michael: Hi, Oscar its Michael. Dwight: And Dwight. Michael: Yechh, yeah, um, heard you were under the weather? Oscar: Yeah I think I came down with the flu. Michael: Really? Oh, that is a shame. You know it’s cleaning day here today? Could have used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic. Oscar: Yeah, I feel terrible about it. Dwight: Ask him his symptoms. I’m on Web M.D. Michael: What are your symptoms? Oscar: I have the chills. Michael: Umm, hmmm. Oscar: I feel nauseous and my heads killing. Dwight: Checks out. Oscar: Michael is there anything you need from me? I’d like to go back to bed. Michael: I need you to go back to bed. I need you to get better. See you Monday. Unless you’re still sick. So have a great long weekend. Oscar: I’ll just be sleep— [Michael hangs up the phone before Oscar can finish] Dwight: Okay. First impressions? Michael: He sounded sick. Dwight: Which is exactly how you’d wanna sound like if you wanted someone to think you were sick. Michael: That’s exactly what I was thinking. Dwight: Question? May I investigate? Michael: Yeah. Drop what you’re doing. Make this a priority. Because an office can’t function efficiently unless people are at their desks doing their jobs. Pam: I bought my veil. Kelly: Oh my God! That is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? Pam: Ummm… Kelly: Listen, you don’t have to answer now. But how are you going to do your hair? Pam: Okay. I was thinking about wearing it down. Kind of like, I don’t know, like loose with big curls and… Kelly: You’d look like an angel. I’m seriously going to cry. Michael: Wowweee. Mikey likey. Why don’t you wear your hair like that all the time. It’s much sexier. [Pam puts hair back up] [Michael walks by Jim] Man, this must be torture for you. Jim: Yeah. On the booze cruise I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam. I had just broken up with Katy and had a couple drinks. And I confided in the world’s worst confidant. Jim: Hey Michael. Michael: Hey Jim-bag. Jim: Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That… was… personal so if we can just keep that between you and me. That would be great. Michael: Really? Jim: Umm, hmm. Michael: Who else knows? Jim: Nobody. Michael: Wow! Michael: Jim and I are great friends. We hang out a ton, mostly at work. But, the fact that he told me his secret and no one else knows says everything about our friendship. And it is why, I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can. Michael: My lips are sealed. [singing] My lips are sealed… Bangles. Jim: Alright. Great. Thank you. Michael: [singing] Can you hear me, they talk about us… Dwight: Listen Temp. I am conducting a little investigation so I’m no longer going to be able to head up spring cleaning. Do you think you can handle it? Ryan: Yeah, I think I can handle it. Dwight: Do you think? Or do you know? Ryan: I think. Dwight: [low] Oh God, here. Michael: Hey, whatcha gettin’? Jim: I’m going with grape. Michael: Ah, good stuff, good stuff. Did you see the game last night? Jim: Which one? Michael: Any of em? So, uh, what’s the 411? Any news on the “P” situation? Jim: I don’t know what you mean. Michael: P-A-M. P-A Jim: Uh, uh, okay. Michael: No it’s okay, we’re talking code. Stanley: What is? Michael: Listen Stanley. How long does it take you to pick out a soda? Jim: I’m going to take off actually. Michael: Alright, well, cool. [Michael walks by Jim] Still deciding? Stanley: Hmm? Michael: [Michael presses a button for Stanley] Peach iced tea. You’re going to hate it. Dwight: Hey Oscar how ya doin’? Dwight Schrute calling. Listen a little question for you, buddy. I called six minutes ago and no one answered. So I was wondering if you could explain. Oh, I see, so. Sounds like you’re too sick to come into work but your well enough to go to the pharmacy. Dwight: There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying. The liar will avoid direct eye contact. The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hands, especially the mouth. The liar will perspire. Unfortunately I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful. Michael: It’s Grrrrrrape! Soda. Jim: Tony the tiger. You don’t hear that much any more. Michael: Not so much. Dwight: Okay, what is going on here? Michael: Nothing. Dwight: Oh, really nothing? Fact: You are drinking grape soda. You never drink grape soda. Fact: You are talking to Jim. You never talk to Jim. Michael: Fact: I love grape soda. I always have. Fact: Jim and I talk all the time. We tell each other secrets. Dwight: Okay. So what is the secret Michael? Jim: Um, I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation and he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material. Dwight: Is that true? Michael: Um, I don’t know, yeah, yeah, yeah it is. Dwight: Thank you Michael. I know your telling the truth. Michael: Okay. Dwight: I can tell. I won’t let you down. Michael: Good. Jim: Thanks. Michael: Whooo, nice. That was, that was slick. What are you doin’ for lunch? Jim: I don’t know probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room. Michael: Oh nonsense [lifts leg and puts it on Jim’s desk], no way, no. Why don’t, why don’t I take you out to lunch? My treat. Jim: No, that’s alright, thank you though. It’s, I, gotta do some cleaning, should probably stick around here. Michael: Hey you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room. Have a little picnic order some ‘za. Talk about you know who. Jim: Oh, ah, no but no. You know what let’s go out. That was a good idea. Let’s go out. Michael: I know just the place. Michael: [at Hooters] Oh man, you should order milk. Get it? Michael: Why do I like Hooters? Well I will give you two reasons, the boobs and the hot wings. Michael: Oh, here we go, here we go. Bogy at 3 o’clock. Hi. Dana: Hey I’m Dana. Welcome to Hooters. Michael: We’re not worthy. We’re not worthy. Hello Dana, I am Michael and this is Jim and we are brothers. Jim: Nope we’re not brothers. Michael: I’m his boss actually. And I treat him well. I’m taking him out to lunch cause I can afford it and he can have whatever he wants. Jim: Can I just have the ham and cheese sandwich, thanks. Dana: And for you? Michael: Tell me Dana, how is your chicken breast? Dana: Oh, it’s great. It’s served with our world famous wing sauce. Michael: Mmmm, sounds yummy. I will have a chicken breast hold the chicken. [Giggles] Dana: Is that what you really want? Michael: No, I’m gonna have the gourmet hot dog. Dana: Great. Dwight: Who took all the black ones? Pam: That’s a communal bowl. Dwight: So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? Pam: Sick, like lots of sniffling. I don’t know. Dwight: Sniffling how? Pam: Umm. How many different ways are there to sniffle? Dwight: Three. Pam: Okay, it was the second one. Dwight: Okay, good, thank you. That wasn’t so hard now was it? Pam: Nuh-uh. Michael: What do you like best about Pam? Jim: Uh, I really don’t want to talk about it. Michael: Is it her boobs, or… Jim: Um, she’s easy to talk to I guess and she’s got a really good sense of humor. Michael: Really? Jim: Uh-huh. Michael: Never get’s any of my jokes. Jim: What about you? Michael: Her boobs, definitely. Jim: Wow, that’s not what I meant. Dana: Here you go. Michael: Oh, thank you. Dana: And I understand we have a birthday today. Michael: Ohhh happy birthday Jim! Dana: Ready girls? Front side. Hooter’s Girls: You put your front side in; you put your front side out. You put your front side in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about. Whoo, hoo! Jim: Thank you. Michael: Woo! Yeah! Jim: Thanks, thanks Dana. Michael: Thank you very much. Michael: Hilarious. Hey. Pam: What did you guys talk about? Jim: [holds up Hooters t-shirt] Just you know politics, literature. Pam: I hate you. Dwight: Quick Oscar update. I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office. Michael: Just go to his house and see if he’s sick. I could have done this Investigation in like twenty minutes. Dwight: Including prep time? Michael: Just do it. Ryan: If I had to I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I’d forget too. Michael: [Michael messes up hair to look like Jim’s] Expenses. Kevin: Michael is that a wig? Michael: No. It’s… I wear it like that sometimes. Is that a wig? Kevin: No. Angela: This is from Hooters. Michael: Yeah, it’s a business lunch. Angela: Did Toby approve this? Michael: No he did not. I don’t need his permission. Toby: You just got your corporate credit card back. Do you really want me to take it away again? Michael: Uhhh it’s ridiculous. They took my card away because I spent $80 bucks at a magic shop. What they don’t understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients. So business related, right? Michael: I put a cigarette through a freakin’ quarter. And you know what Toby? They almost bought from us. Toby: I’m not processing this. Michael: Look Jim needed a relaxing lunch, he has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity. How is that not work related? Toby: He seems fine to me. Michael: You’re not his friend, you don’t know. He is in love with a girl he works with who’s engaged. So just cut me some slack. Please? Kelly: Pam? Phyllis: Angela who would you choose Jim or Roy? Angela: It’s nobody’s business, Phyllis. Roy. Kevin: Jim has got it bad for Pam. Creed: Oh ho! Which one is Pam? Kevin: Well she’s the… Hey Michael so do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? Michael: You know what Kevin? Jim is a friend of mine, so the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam… and me. Dwight: As a volunteer Sheriff’s Deputy I have been doing surveillance for years. One time I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me. So I tailed her for six straight nights. Turns out she was, with a couple of guys actually so… mystery solved. Kelly: Jim, why didn’t you tell me you had a crush on Pam? Jim: Well the cats out of the bag. I used to have a crush on Pam and now I [hesitate] don’t. Riveting. Kevin: Nice… she is so hot. Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: Did you find anything good in your desk? Jim: Ah, coupon for a free sandwich. Pam: Score. Jim: It expired in August, and my cell phone charger from two years ago. Pam: Big day. Jim: Big day. Jim: Hey oh, listen, um, I told Michael on the booze cruise. It’s so stupid. Um, I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here. Pam: Oh. Jim: Well I thought that, I figured you should hear it from me rather than, I mean you know Michael. Pam: Right. Jim: And seriously, it’s totally not a big deal, okay? And when I found out you were engaged, I mean. Pam: No, I know, like, I kind of like, I thought that maybe you did when I first started. Jim: Oh you did? Pam: No, I mean, just ’cause we like got along so well. Jim: No, no, you saw through me, great. Pam: So are you going to be like totally awkward around me now? Jim: Oh yeah, yeah… hope that’s okay. Pam: Mmm, hmm. Jim: And Pam it was like three years ago so I am totally over it. Pam: Cool. Jim: Okay. Dwight: Stay low… This is it… There he is. He’s been gone for at least two hours. Who is that? Come to Papa… Oh yes. Let’s roll. I knew it! You are so busted. Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what’s going on here. You weren’t sick at all. Gil: Who’s this? Dwight: This is Dwight Schrute. Who is this? Gil: Gil. Oscar: Are you going to tell Michael? Dwight: How bout this. I don’t tell Michael and in exchange you owe me one great big giant favor. Redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing. Dwight: Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight? He was lying about being sick. Should I have reported Oscar’s malfeasance. Hmm, probably, but now I know something he doesn’t want me to know. So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage. Otherwise, it’s just malfeasance for malfeasanceses-ses sake. Jim: Hey. Michael: I know, I know, I know. Jim: Umm, what happened? Michael: I, oh, just, um, I know I was trying to, expense reports. And then God, Toby, you know he just… I know. I’m just, I just hope that, I just hope that [starts to get choked up] this doesn’t affect our friendship! Stupid, this is so stupid. Jim: Hey, hey, wow, wow. Listen man it’s, you know what. It’s not a big deal. Michael: Okay, I’m fine, no I know, I’m good, I’m good, it’s just. Jim: Look its one day, everything’s gonna be alright. No big deal. You good? Michael: Yeah I’m good. Jim: Good. Ryan: Creed did you organise the menu book? Creed: Oh, I thought that was more on a volunteer basis. Ryan: No, that was mandatory. Creed: Oh, I thought it was a volunteer thing. Pam: Hey, here’s your schedule for next week. Are you okay? Michael: Yeah I’m fine. Look, about you and Jim. Pam: Oh, no, that’s, you don’t have to. Michael: No, I feel it’s my responsibility as your boss slash friend. Pam: No, really, it’s okay. I know that Jim had, like a crush on me when he first started. But that was a long time ago, so. Michael: It wasn’t that long ago. It was on the booze cruise. Pam: Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? Michael: Yehhh, okay, shuuttt it Michael. I’m done. That’s it. I’m out. Jim: Ready? Pam: Yep. Michael: People are always coming to me. “Michael, I have a secret. Your the only one I trust.” No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble. Like I was watching Cinemax last weekend. This movie, Portrait of a… Prostitute something. Secrets of a Call… More Secrets of a Call Girl. And the lead character, Shila, is framed for murder. She goes on the run and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu. I don’t, I don’t want to live like that. I like it here. I don’t want to be Shila, I like being Michael Scott.