The Carpet
Written By: Paul Lieberstein Directed By: Victor Nelli Jr. Transcribed By: Admin [Ryan is seated at reception, and catches Jim looking at him] Ryan: What? Jim: Oh, nothing. Jim: Pam’s on vacation and she gets back tomorrow, so it’ll be nice to see her. It’ll be nice, and, uh, she set a date for the wedding with Roy. Uh… June. Summer. So, that’ll be nice. And that’s that. Ryan: [again catching Jim looking at him] What? Jim: Oh, nothing. Ryan: Jim’s been looking at me kind of a lot all week. I would be creeped out by it, but it’s nothing compared to the way Michael looks at me. Michael: Spamster! Pam: Um, Pam plus Spam plus…? Michael: Hamster. Pam: Right. Michael: Welcome back! How was your vacation? Pam: It was great. Michael: Yeah? Pam: Mm-hm. Michael: Did you get lucky? Oh! Boink! Pam: Roy and I just got back from the Poconos. I get ten vacation days a year, and I try to hold off taking them for as long as possible, and this year I got to the third week in January. Michael: I am Pam. Spicoli guy. Oh, God. Names, numbers. Okay. [walking into office] Whoa! God! Yuck, yuck. Yuck. Yuck! Pam: What? Michael: Wow! What happened in there? Pam: I don’t know. Michael: There is stink in there, my God! What is… what is that? Pam: [looking at pile on Michel’s carpet] Oh… I don’t know. Michael: Is it a bird? Pam: No, I don’t think it’s a bird. Michael: Oh, God! How could that happen? How could… right in the middle of the carpet. Kevin: What’s goin’ on? Michael: Um, somebody vomited right in the middle of the carpet in my office. Kevin: [taking a look] I don’t think that’s vomit. Michael: Check it out. Kevin: Me? Michael: Check it out. Don’t be a wuss, just get… no, I’m not holding your coffee. Kevin: Oh, that’s ridiculous. Michael: What is it? Kevin: Michael. [tapping on door] Michael: What is it? No, just tell me what it is. Kevin: [pounding on door] Michael, I … I … I gotta get outta here. I can’t hold my breath that long. Pam: Open the door up! Kevin: It smelled terrible. Pam and others: [after going in to check out the smell] Phew. Oh! No, mm-mm. [leaving quickly] Michael: I cannot believe a pipe burst and left that in there. Toby: That’s no burst pipe. Michael: How do you know that? What is it, then? Creed: Hi guys. Somebody makin’ soup? Michael: [as cleaning lady with mask leaves] Here she comes. All cleaned? Great. [walks into office] Dwight: [coughing] It’s still stinky. Michael: That is worse. Dwight: She probably scrubbed it into the fibers of the carpet. Total permeation. Michael: [while in his reeking office] I am a big Fear Factor fan. I’m a big fan of anything Joe Rogan does, actually, so this is sort of like my audition tape. Um… [clearing throat] I can’t stand it [gets up to leave], I can’t stay in here another second. No! Jim: Hey! Welcome back! Pam: Thanks! Jim: So, how was the resort? Did you ski a lot? Pam: A little. Jim: Good! What’s goin’ on here? Jim: What? I did not do that. That sounds disgusting. Ryan: [barely stifling laughter] It wasn’t me. Um… it wasn’t me. [regaining composure] It was not me. Jim: [smelling the stink] Oh. Wow. Pam: [giggles at Roy] Michael: [sitting at Jim’s desk] Hey Jim. I thought that we would be desk buddies while they changed my carpet. Jim: That might be a little difficult with the one computer. Michael: Oh… It’s … Jim: But there’s definitely a desk open in the back. Michael: [reluctantly] Yeah … Jim: …which I guess I’ll be taking. Michael: No, no, no! Seriously, I don’t mind sharing. Jim: No, no, no, seriously, I’ll be in the back. Jim: Hey, Kelly. Kelly: Are you moving back here? Jim: Um, just for the day while Michael’s at my desk. Kelly: Because Toby used to sit there, but he had to move over there because of an allergy. Jim: Allergy to… the desk? Kelly: [shaking head] Weird. Michael: [putting his feet on desk] Yeah, yeah, yeah. Old bullpen. Dwight: [putting his feet on desk] Ha ha ha… the old bullpen. Michael: Don’t ape me. Dwight: Okay. Michael: This is great. Dwight: Yeah! Michael: The pressures of my office are insane. Dwight: [agreeing] Mm. Michael: I just… you couldn’t understand, but man, you guys have it so easy out here, you know? I used to sit right here. Dwight: No way! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: And who had your office? Michael: Ed Truck. [exclaiming is disgust] Ed Truck was the manager before me. Horrible. He hated fun. It was like, “Oh, Ed Truck is walking toward us. Stop having fun. Start pretending to do work.” What a jerk. He’s… You know what? I swore to myself that if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh when they saw me coming and would applaud as I walked away. Kelly: [to Jim] I’m serious. My closet doors will not shut. I mean, it only takes so long to measure to make sure that clothes will hang up because aren’t all hangers like that big? So I don’t understand why the closet engineer didn’t think of that. So now I’m doing this new thing where I just leave piles of clothes on the floor and then I walk around the piles to get an outfit… Michael: You know who used to sit at that desk? Dwight: That guy Miles who quit to form his own company? Michael: Mm-mm. Todd Packer. Dwight: No! Michael: Yeah. Dwight: I thought he was out on the road. Michael: He was, but, uh… that desk was empty. He’d come in and sit there sometimes. Dwight: Ah. Michael: When I was in training, many years ago… not so long ago… I worked side-by-side with a fellow named Todd Packer, and together we rocked the office [picture behind Michael falls]. Packer and I once spent the whole day with our pants off, and when people noticed, we convinced them that they were crazy. Michael: I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. Stanley: [on phone] Excuse me one second, please. [to Michael] What is it that you need right now that you can’t wait until I’m off the phone with a customer? Michael: Oh, a customer, well, sound the alarm. [laughs] Okay. Michael: Another time, Packer held this guy’s head in the toilet for like a minute. Guy had no sense of humor about it. Probably why he wasn’t hired. Creed: [after Michael punches him in the arm] What did you hit me for? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: What? Michael: Charley horse! Creed: You shouldn’t have hit me, Michael. Michael: Oh, okay. Gah. Michael: Once, as a joke, Packer banged every chick in the office. [giggles] It was hysterical. Kelly: [to Jim] Beyonce, pink the color, Pink the person, hot dogs, basically anything that is awesome. Snow cones… Ryan: Hey Jim, Michael wanted me to ask you how to raise your desk chair. Jim: It’s the lever on the side. Ryan: That’s what I told him. Thanks. [leaves] Kelly: Oh my God, he is so cute! Would you talk to him for me and see if he likes me? Jim: No, I don’t think I can… Kelly: Oh, please Jim? Please, please, Jim. Please, please, please? He’s so cute. I like him so much. And I would do it, but I’m too shy. Please, Jim, please, please, please, please, Jim. Please, please, please… Michael: [whispering] Dwight. Dwight: [whispering] Michael. Michael: Let’s send up Accounting. Dwight: What? Michael: Old fashioned raid. Sales on Accounting. Yeah. Follow my lead. Michael: Hey guys. Oscar: Hey, Michael. Michael: Ahem. What’s up? Oscar: Hey, Dwight. Michael and Dwight: [as they throw accountants’ files and supplies around] Ahhhh! Whoo hoo! Come on, come on, come on, come on! Sales rules! Dwight: Yeah! [laughing] Michael: Yeah! Oh ho ho [laughing] Dwight: Should we help ’em pick up their stuff? Michael: No, no, no, no. We don’t do that. We don’t do that. Dwight: Okay. Michael: Watch out, Pam. You’re next! Pam: You’re gonna throw my things on the ground? Michael: Maybe! Oscar: What happened in Michael’s office was wrong. I understand it [chuckles], it makes sense [regains composure] But it… it was still wrong. Michael: Why would somebody ruin a perfectly good carpet? I don’t know. It could be done out of hate. It could be done out of love. It could be completely neutral. Maybe somebody hates the cleaning lady. And, well, she doesn’t do a very good job, obviously, because my office still reeks like you would not believe. I hate her. Michael: You know what? I am beginning to think that what happened to my carpet was an act of terrorism against the office. The only thing that makes any sense. Dwight: [on phone] Hello, am I the 107th caller? [hangs up, dials again] Hello, Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and dials again] Hell , Rock 107. Am I the 107th caller? [hangs up and begins to dial again] I’m totally gonna win us that box set. Michael: Stop. Dwight: Jethro Tull… Michael: Stop it. [Dwight hangs up] Stop. It. [Dwight beings to dial] Don’t. Don’t. Dwight: I need to make a sales call. Please? Michael: All right. Dwight: [on phone, whispering] Am I the 107th caller? Pam: [to Roy in Jim’s earshot] …back so soon. Roy: We can go back in, like, a couple of weeks maybe. Pam: Yeah, right. Roy: Okay, maybe another month, like, maybe for, like President’s Day or something. Pam: Yeah, that’s right. We could do a three-day weekend. I wonder if I could, like, call in sick on the Friday. Then I get a four-day weekend. Kelly: [to unseen co-worker] But it’s so weird to fall asleep. And I just hate it. ‘Cause I try to go to bed at, like, 9:30. Pam: [to Roy as Jim escapes into bathroom] Are you kidding? Roy: No. Michael: Hi, guys. Angela: We haven’t finished getting things in order from your last visit. Michael: I’m just walking around. Angela: Were you? Michael: Well, yeah. Oscar: It’s just that we’re really swamped over here, Michael. Michael: Oh, and I’m not? Why would you say that? Because I’m having fun? You guys just are workin’ for the weekend, aren’t you? I’m workin’ for the week. Sales team, listen to me. This is what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna up the ante a little bit literally. Right here, I’m gonna put a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The person with the most sales at the end of the day gets to keep the cash. Sound good? Dwight: Yeah! Michael: [counting cash] Seventy, eighty, one, two three. Eighty-three dollars. Still a lotta money and I’m going to … [moves money after seeing workmen walk by] … I’m gonna leave it right over here where everybody can see it. I will be taking Jim’s clients today because he is not here and out of sight, out of the contest. Let’s see who winds up with the cash, shall we? Phyllis: You’re gonna compete against us? Michael: Oh, it is on, Phyllis, it is so on! Dwight: It is so on! Michael: God, this is gonna be fun. Dwight: Michael is gonna wipe the floor with us! Michael: [on phone] So you have 40 boxes going out, and I will deliver those personally in a Sebring. Very good, nice doing business with you. Thank you. [hangs up] Yes! [chuckles] Oh, yeah! Read it and weep. Oh! Oh, look at that! [puts post-it on Phyllis’ forehead] Look at me, Phyllis! Oh, what is that? That’s my sale! [humming then dancing victoriously] Darryl: [walking by with new carpet] What… What’s that? Whatcha doing? Michael: [stops dance] Nothing. Roy: [laughing] I think he’s dancing. Michael: No. Just … Darryl: That was definitely not dancing. Michael: You know what, guys? It’s none of your concern. It was official business, so just… Darryl: Paper business. Michael: Yeah, paper business. Is this done? Roy: Nope. Michael: Extreme Home Makeover puts together a house in an hour. If you were on that crew, you would be fired like that. [snaps] Pam: Somebody did something bad to Michael’s carpet. Maybe that’s all we need to know. Creed: [to Oscar] Who do you think did it? Oscar: Are you kidding? I thought it was you. Creed: Really? I thought you. [both laugh in Michael’s earshot] Michael: This was no act of God. A person did this. A person who works in this office. Maybe all of them. Michael: You know what? Today is not a good day for a sales contest. We’re… we’re not… we’re not doin’ this today. Pam: That doesn’t seem fair. Michael: You wanna talk about fair? Does anyone need to smell my old carpet? You explain to me how that was fair, and I’ll explain to you how this is fair. Plus I just… I think that picking today was sort of taking advantage. Dwight: But you’re the one who picked today. Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talkin’ about. Stanley: That’s not what a hate crime is. Michael: Well I hated it! A lot! Okay, I… you know what? If the guilty person would just come forward and take their punishment, we’d be done . [no one comes forward] Very well. Then you are all punished. Pam: What’s our punishment? Michael: You’re all on a time out. Just sit there quietly. [phone rings, Phyllis reaches to answer] No. NO! [phone continues to ring] Jim: Hey! Ryan: What’s up? Jim: Nothing much. Let me ask you something. It’s actually little awkward. Ryan: What? Jim: What do you think of Kelly? Ryan: I don’t know. Depends if you like a little junk in … [notices camera] Umm… She’s really cool. Jim: Are you interested in her? Ryan: Yeah, totally. Jim: Really? Ryan: Did she say something? Jim: She said lots of things. Ryan: Do you know if she’s looking for a long-term thing or if she’d be cool just hangin’ out? Jim: I have no idea. Ryan: Can you find out? Jim: Yeah. Sure. Kelly: [to Jim] Oh, long-term, definitely. Fall in love, have babies, spend every second together… but don’t tell him that, okay? Just tell him I’m, like, up for anything. I mean, I’m not a slut, but who knows? Michael: Do you remember Ed Truck? Creed: Sure. He hired me. How’s he doing? Michael: How would I know? Creed: I thought you might. Michael: My biggest fear is turning into him. Creed: Michael, you should have much bigger fears than that. Michael: [sighs] I wasn’t talking literally, Creed. Yeah, being buried alive would be worse. Happy? Why am I talking to you? Michael: [meeting Ed Truck in parking lot] Ed? Hi. Thanks for meeting me. Must be kinda neat comin’ back. Ed: Yeah. Should we go upstairs? Michael: Uh, well, honestly Ed, I really don’t wanna be up there right now. Ed: So, what’s the problem with my pension? Michael: Oh, no, no, no. You’re good. It was clerical. You’re good. Um, well, somebody did something in my office, and I now think that they did it on purpose and it was directed at me. Ed: Well, what was done? Michael: I didn’t get a good look at… it, but it smells horrible. Ed: Yeah, somebody once did that in my office. Michael: Really? Ed: Yeah. Michael: Well, that figures. So how did you deal with people not liking you? Ed: You can’t expect to be friends with everybody. Michael: Well… s-sure I can. Ed: No. They’ll always think of you as a boss first. Michael: Not necessarily. You can love a boss like you do a father. Ed: I’m not sure that ever happens. Michael: Well, okay. Different management styles. Ed: Why can’t your workers be your workers, family be your family, your friends be your friends? Michael: Last week I would have given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would have reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them. But now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask, so they can hear me say, “Uh… no. I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.” Jim: [on phone] Hey, Brenda. This is, uh, Jim Halpert from the boat. And I got your number from the corporate directory and, well, I was assuming that you probably gave it to them because you wanted me to ask you out, right? Um, so gimme a call back. You can get my number from said directory, um, or just check your e-mail ’cause I just sent you one. Yikes. Uh… give me a call back, I hope. I’ll talk to you later. Bye. Kelly: You just asked a girl out on the phone! Jim: Yep. Michael: [on phone] Yes. Todd Packer: Hello, yes. I’m looking for a gay nerd named Michael Scott. Michael: Who is this? How did you get this number? Packer: Your mom, you gay nerd! Michael: Oh my God. Packer. Packster. Whacky Pack. How you doin’? Todd: Hey, did you get that package I left for you? Michael: Uh… no. Did anybody see a package here today? No. How big was it? Packer: It was pretty big. Michael: Really? Packer: Yeah. Michael: Did you see a big package? Where did you leave it? Packer: Left it in the middle of your office. Michael: Really? Guys, did you see a big package in my office? Roy: You mean the thing? Packer: [laughs uproariously] Michael: Are you kidding me? Oh! Packer: Special delivery! Michael: That was Packer! Oh, you’re… you are dead. You are dead, my friend! That is hilar… Oh, God! Of course it was you. Packer: Sit on the throne, Michael. Michael: Oh. [laughs and claps] Yeah, yeah! Oh my God. It was Packer! Michael: It takes an advanced sense of humor. I don’t expect everybody to understand. It was done out of love, just like I thought. It’s ah… God, these people are so… these are good people. We have fun. [giggles] We just have fun! Oh, I’m just so sorry that I threw the thing out. Jim’s voicemail: You have seven unheard messages. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, Jim. It’s Pam. I keep looking up to say something to you and then Michael’s there and it’s horrible. Anyway, I’m bored. Come back! Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, guess what? I moved my computer so I can’t see Michael’s head. It’s working. I think I can have a career as a very specific type of decorator. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Sudoku. Level moderate. 18 minutes. Suck on that, Halpert. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] I’ll transfer you. Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Hold, please. Dunder Mifflin, this is … okay, sorry. Michael was standing at my desk, and I needed to be busy or who knows what would’ve happened, so thank you. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, what’s that word we made up when you have a thing stuck in your shoe? Anyway, I have a thing stuck in my shoe. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Hey, I have a chance to sneak out of here early, and I’m not messing this up, so I’ll see you tomorrow. Pam: [voicemail message for Jim] Calling from my cell phone. I don’t know if you guys figured out who did that to Michael’s carpet yet, but I have a theory that involves an inter-departmental conspiracy. Everybody in the office. We need to talk.