Take Your Daughter To Work Day
Written By: Mindy Kaling Directed By: Victor Nelli Jr. Transcribed By: Admin Pam: I am actually looking forward to ‘Take Your Daughter to Work’ day. I am not great with kids. But I wanna get better. Because I’m getting married. So, I put out a bunch of extra candy out on my desk so the kids will come talk to me... Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel. [Pam puts out candy on her desk] Jim: Bribery. Nice. Pam: Oh, I have more. [holds up bags of candy] [Michael enters the office] Michael: Pam. Ms. Beasley if yer nastay! Pam: Oh, Michael. Michael: Janet Jackson. Hey! You having a wardrobe malfunction there? Or w— Pam: You can’t be nasty today. [whispering] ‘Cause of the… [points to ‘Welcome Daughters!’ sign above her head] Michael: Oh, God, is that today? Pam: I reminded you last night. Michael: Listen, I like kids. But this is not a kid’s environment. This is like HBO, no limits. Who knows what I’m going to say? Crazy stuff. And it is R rated. It is not rated G. I am like Eddie Murphy in Raw, and they are trying to make me into Eddie Murphy in Daddy Daycare. Both great movies, but, still. [Michael leaves reception and walks to his office] Michael: Well, I’ll be in my office. Pam: Don’t you think you should say something? Michael: They’re cool. Pam: Michael, I think that as the boss you should really-- Michael: Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine! Hi, children. I’m Michael Scott, and I am in charge of this place. Uh, what’ll make you understand? I am like Superman, and the people who work here are like citizens of Gotham City. Jim and Dwight: [in unison] That’s Batman. Michael: Okay, I’m Aquaman. Where does he live, guys? Jim: The ocean. Michael: [under his breath] I work with a bunch of nerds. [walks into his office and slams door] [Dwight is eating in the kitchen. Toby enters with his daughter (Sasha)] Dwight: [looks at Sasha] Mmm. Hello, tiny one. Toby: [to Sasha] Come on. Dwight: You are the future. [Kevin and his daughter are seated at his desk] Kevin: This is my file cabinet. Uhm… Oh, this is the partition between my desk and Angela’s. Kevin: Abby’s my fiancée Stacy’s daughter. I think she’ll have a good time. I just hope she doesn’t look on my computer... Actually, I’d better go check. [leaves room hurriedly] [Michael walks up to Stanley's desk] Stanley: Michael, you remember my daughter, Melissa. Michael: Oh, yes. Hello, how are you? Good to see you. Wow, you’ve really grown up. You know what? Don’t mind me saying so. She is turning into a stone cold fox. Better keep the frat boys away from her. Melissa: I’m in eighth grade. Michael: Oh... Stanley: She’s in middle school. Michael: Yeah, middle school’s amazing. It is extraordinary. An extraordinary time. Michael: It’s not that children make me uncomfortable. It’s just that, why be a dad when you can be a fun uncle? I’ve never heard of anyone rebelling against their fun uncle. [Michael talks to Meredith at her desk while her son throws items at him] Michael: They want how many spiral pads? Meredith: Um, fif–-well, fifty. I over ordered because they had a back order. Michael: Okay. Meredith: I got permission to bring Jakey into work, which is great because he got suspended this week, and now I don’t have to pay for a sitter. [Angela and Kelly are in the conference room placing a tablecloth] Angela: Can you pull that down there? Kelly: Yep. [Toby enters with Sasha] Toby: [to Sasha] Okay, tell them what you wanted to say. Sasha: Do you need any help? Angela: No. Thanks. We’d have to explain everything. It’s probably just easier if we do it ourselves. Toby: Alright, I wasn’t expecting that. Let’s, uh, let’s go draw. Kelly: Oh, my God, she is so cute, I wanna die. Don’t you just love kids, Angela? Angela: I guess I wouldn’t mind a pair of small, well-behaved boys. Kelly: God, I cannot wait to get pregnant and have babies. [camera zooms to Ryan looking worried] Ryan: Kelly and I both agreed that we would just have fun, and, I’m learning that fun for Kelly is getting married and having babies. Immediately. With me. [Michael is seated at his desk on the phone] Michael: Just compare last year’s order to this year’s. Uh-huh. Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. [Sasha walks in the door] Yes. We... Yeah, they’re very... They’re different. [Sasha walks out] Yeah, we can stick with last year’s. You’re just gonna have to supplement it, somehow. [Pam and Jim at reception. Abby sits on the reception couch reading] Pam: Hey, Abby, do you wanna help me shred some old documents? It’s actually pretty cool. Abby: No, thanks. Pam: I only have one goal today. To make one kid like me. Just one. Jim: What are you reading? Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Jim: Oh, best book. Abby: Yeah, but I’ve read it before. Jim: Pfft. So have I. Hey, question. If you had to spend a night in the Met or the Aquarium, which would it be? Abby: Definitely the Aquarium. Jim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. You don’t want to help me with some of my sales, do you? ‘Cause, I’m kind of swamped. Abby: Sure. Jim: Really? Abby: Mmhmm! Jim: Yesss. And you’re Abby, right? Abby: Yeah. Jim: I’m Jim. [Jim hi-fives Abby] And let’s sell some paper. Abby: Alright. Jim: Let’s start with, your mom. [Michael is seated at his desk on the phone] Michael: Yes. Well, we can… [Sasha walks in and begins playing with Michael's toy train] Uhm… Hey, uh, you know what? Can I call you back? I’ll call you right back. Yes, I promise. Hello. Can I help you? You can pick that up, if you want. That’s--that’s alright. [Sasha moves the train to Michael’s desk] Wanna bring it over… Here, I'll make some room. My name’s Michael. What’s your name? Sasha: Sasha. Michael: Nice to meet you. Sasha: Ooh! [picks up train whistle] Michael: Oh, you know what that is? That is a train whistle. Like I’m the conductor. [blows whistle] But I’m sort of the conductor of the office here, right? [blows whistle] You wanna try? Sasha: Sure. [Sasha blows] Michael: All aboard for sales! Next stop, Cook…camonga! Michael & Sasha: [laugh] [Jim shakes hands with Abby] Jim: Ow, ow, ow, ow, you broke my hand. Dwight: There is no way that hurt. Jim: Really? ‘Cause she’s pretty strong, Dwight. Dwight: Little girl. Come over here. Shake my hand. Come on, I don’t have all day. [Abby shakes his hand] I don’t feel anything. Nothing. [to Jim] You’re so weak. Jake: [walks over and messes with Dwight’s bobbleheads] Dwight: Uh, excuse me, these are expensive collector’s items. Okay? Jake: [turning Dwight's computer screen] Do you have any computer games? Dwight: No, I don’t have computer games on my work computer. That would be innappropriate. Jake: Yeah, Meredith doesn’t have any either. It’s so lame here. Dwight: You call your mom Meredith? That’s very disrespectful. Jake: Whatever, okay? Dwight: You can refer to me as Mr. Schrute. Jake: That’s your name? Dwight: Mm-hmm. Jake: Mr. Poop? Dwight: Schrute. Mr. Schrute. Jake: Sure, Mr. Poop. [Jake walks away] Dwight: [quietly] Schrute. [Jim and Abby snicker. Angela glares at Dwight] [Sasha walks over to Phyllis' desk and grabs a lolly] Sasha: Are you Mother Goose? [Melissa and Ryan are in the kitchen. Ryan is making a coffee- Melissa: I drink, like, a hundred Ice Macchiatos a day, and practically nothing else. Ryan: Wow. Melissa: There’s a really cool coffee place, Jitters, at the Steamtown Mall. Ever been there? Ryan: No. Melissa: You’ve never been to Jitters? Ryan, you are so dorky. Gimme your number, so I can text you. Ryan: Um… Melissa: Come on. Kelly: [glares through the kitchen door from the annex] Melissa: You have an email address? [Kelly is quietly talking to Stanley at his desk] Kelly: I just thought you should know … Stanley: Mmm-hmm. What? Kelly: [points to Melissa and Ryan at the printer] I think something a little fishy is going on. Stanley: A little fishy? Kelly: Yeah. I mean, I’ve been noticing them all day, and I was thinking... Stanley: [gets up from chair] [Stanley and Ryan are in the breakroom] Stanley: That little girl is a child! I don’t wanna see you sniffing around her anymore this afternoon, do you understand? Ryan: Yes, I– Stanley: Boy, have you lost your mind? ‘Cause I’ll help you find it! Whatcha lookin’ for? Ain’t nobody gonna help you out there! Jesus could come through that door and he’s not gonna help you if you don’t stop sniffing after my child! Ryan: Okay. Ryan: Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life. [Dwight plays Greensleeves on his recorder to the children in the conference room] Dwight: That was Greensleeves. A traditional English ballad about the beheaded Anne Boleyn. And now, a very special treat. A book my Granmutter used to read me when I was a kid. This is a very special story. It’s called Struwwelpeter, by Heinrich Hoffman from 1864. [Dwight reads from book. Michael stands at the conference room door] The great tall tailor always comes to little girls that suck their thumbs. Are you listening, Sasha? Right? And ‘ere they dream when he’s about, he takes his great sharp scissors out, and then cuts their thumbs clean off! Michael: Dwight, Dwight. Dwight: There’s a photo. Michael: What the hell are you reading to them? Dwight: These are cautionary tales for kids, my Granmutter used to read these-- Michael: Yeah, you know what? No, no, no, no, no. They, no. The kids don’t wanna hear some wierdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandmother gave you. Sasha: What’s a Nazi? Michael: What’s a Nazi? Dwight: [standing up] Nazi was a fascist movement-- Michael: Don’t! Dwight: From the 1930’s-- Michael: Don’t! Don’t! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of--you know what? They’re gonna have nightmares. So why don’t you just shut it? Dwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make corn-husk dolls. Michael: [sighs] Why don’t you just leave? Okay? Dwight: Okay. Jake: Bye, Mr. Poop. Michael: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook? The Kids: [raising hands] I do, I do! Michael: Children cannot lie. They are innocent, and they speak the truth, and out of the mouths of babes, Michael Scott is freaking cool. [laughs] [Angela walks up next to Dwight and discreetly talks to him] Angela: You know, I never misbehaved in front of my father. Because he was a very strict disciplinarian. I can only hope my mate has some of those same qualities. [Michael exits conference room with children] Michael: This is where the magic happens. Right over here, let me show you this. See all these? [pets shelf of paper] You know what that is? That’s paper. This is where paper comes from. Any questions? Melissa: So, you cut the paper and dye it and stuff. Michael: No, we don’t actually cut the paper. That’s a good question. The paper is sent to us cut, and dyed, from a paper manufacturer, and then we sell it to a business for more than we paid for it. Abby: That’s not fair. [the rest of the kids agree] Michael: Yes, it is. It's--well, you need someone in the middle to facilitate… Jake: You’re just a middleman. Michael: I’m not just a middleman. Melissa: Wait, why doesn’t the saw mill just sell paper directly to people? Michael: You are describing Office Depot, and they’re kind of running us out of business. Dwight: We have better service than they do! Michael: There’s Creed! Let’s take a look at what he’s doing, everybody. This is Creed, and he is in charge of… something. Right? Creed: That is correct. Michael: Say hi to the kids. Creed: Hi, kids. Michael: Yay. Creed: Have you ever seen a foot with four toes? [begins untying shoe] Kids: Eww! Michael: What are you doing? Stop it! Stop it! Just–no, no, no, no! No! Would you cut it out? What is your problem? Creed: Th-the hair covers it, mostly. Michael: No, no, no. We’re not gonna see--we’re not gonna see the four toed… Creed, okay? [Michael and the kids are seated on the floor of the conference room] Michael: You know, there’s something interesting about me you might want to know. I used to be the star of a kids show. Kids: No way. Michael: It’s true. I did. Melissa: You serious? Jake: Really? Michael: I am totally serious. There was a show called Fundle Bundle, and I was the star. Abby: That doesn’t sound like a show. Melissa: What?! Michael: It’s true! I can prove it. I can prove it. Watch this. [gets up and runs out] Ryan, can you come here a second? Ryan: [gets up from desk and jogs over to Michael] Michael: [clears throat] I would like you to go to my mother’s house in Dixon city, and if she at the pool, the back kitchen window should be unlocked. I want you to boost yourself up, I want you to go down to the basement. In the basement is a tape labeled Fundle Bundle. I want you to grab it, I want you to get my guitar. Ryan: Right. Okay. Michael: I want you to get a tambourine. Do you know how to play the tambourine? Ryan: Um, I’m already getting the pizzas from Bernetti’s, so… Melissa: You know, I can go with him. Michael: Oka– Ryan: No! I will go. Michael: Okay! Thank you, Ryan. Good attitude. Hottest in the office. [Everyone is in the conference room for pizza] Michael: [to Abby] Alright, now what kind of pizza do you like? Michael: I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them. You give 'em pizza. You give 'em candy. You let 'em live their lives. They’re adults, for God’s sake. [Michael addresses everyone in the conference room] Michael: I am going to give you a little blast from the past of Michael Gary Scott when he was a child star. And a show that you might remember called Fundle Bundle. Okay, without further ado, Ryan? [Fundle Bundle plays on the TV] Miss Trudy: Bundle, are you ready to come on in? [TV children cheer] Miss Trudy: Let’s have some fun! [Michael points to the screen] Michael: That is Miss Trudy. Can’t tell from her costume, but she had an amazing body. Okay, you can fast forward. And, I want you… Stop, stop! Stop. Yes. [Ryan resumes the tape] Michael: That is, uh, Edward R. Meow. Jim: That’s pretty funny. Michael: Yeah. [Fundle Bundle continues to play on TV screen] Edward R. Meow: Recess! Hey, what’s your name? Chet: My name’s Chet. Edward R. Meow: Well, hi, Chet Oscar: Is that Chet Montgomery? Michael: Uh, I don’t--I don't know. Pam: That is! Phyllis: He's the meteorologist on Channel 4. Darryl: Checkin’ in with Chet. Doppler’s up. Everyone: [laugh] Darryl: That guys legit though. Edward R. Meow: What do you wanna be when you grow up? Chet: I want to be on TV. Everyone: [chuckles] Dwight: And he is on TV now! Michael: Can everyone please shut up, please! So you don’t miss it. Edward R. Meow: Okay, next? So, what's your name? Michael: Oh! That’s me. Everyone: [laughs] Michael: Shh. Shh. Edward R. Meow: Well, what’s your favorite subject in school? Young Michael: Recess. Edward R. Meow: Recess. So, tell me, what do you wanna be when you grow up? Young Michael: I want to be married and have a hundred kids so I can have a hundred friends, and no one can say no to being my friend. Edward R. Meow: [jaw drops, awkward pause] Uh... Oh, okay! Well, uh, nice talking with you, Michael. Uh, back to you Miss Trudy! Miss Trudy: Hi, everyone, it’s one of my favorite times of the day. Michael: Coulda sworn there was… Melissa: Did you get married? Michael: Uh, no. Abby: Why not? Michael: Uh, it just never happened. Sasha: So, do you have any kids? Michael: Uh, nope. Jake: Do you have a girlfriend? Michael: I do okay. Melissa: Was Chet Montgomery cool back then? Michael: Yes. Jake: Even I have a girlfriend. Michael: Okay. Alright, okay. Sasha: So you didn’t get to be what you wanted to be. Michael: I guess not. You know, I have a load of work to do. So I am going to grab a slice of this delish pizza. And I’m gonna go do my work. Bye. [Pam waits outside of Michael's office] Pam: He’s not coming out. He won’t pick up the phone. Jim: I can’t believe his mom dressed him like that. That’s the real tragedy. [Roy wrestles with Jake in the conference room] Roy: Pam, Pam! I love this guy! [laughs] Come on! [Melissa walks over to the candy bowl at the reception desk] Pam: So, Melissa. I met your mom a couple times. She’s so nice. Melissa: Who, Terry? Pam: Mmm-hmm. Melissa: That woman is not my mother. That is my step-mother. [walks away] [Jake walks up to Dwight at the printer] Jake: Mr. Poop, I have to tell you something. Dwight: Uh, okay. But first, that’s not my name. Jake: You’re ugly. Dwight: Well, at least I’m not a horrible little latchkey kid who got suspended from school. So… Jake: Meredith! Dwight: [imitates in a whining tone] [Angela smiles at Dwight and looks away when she sees the camera] [Toby knocks at Michael's door] Michael: Yeah? Toby: I think these belong to you. [puts toys down on desk] Michael: Oh, that’s okay She can keep those. Toby: Believe me, she has enough toys. She doesn’t need your watch. Michael: Thank you. Toby: Is everything okay? Michael: You have to ask me that because you work for human resources. Toby: Uh… That’s true. [Michael and Toby are seated at Michael's desk] Michael: You know, sure, playing the field is great. Don’t get me wrong. But there’s more to life than notches on my bedpost. Toby: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Tell me something honestly. Do you think that it is too late for me to have kids? Toby: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend. Michael: What about… Toby: Not Jan. Michael: Jan. Okay. Toby: If you really wanna have kids, I--I guess you could somehow… Foster parent, or something. Michael: Or biologically. Toby: Somehow. Michael: Thanks, that’s... No, that--that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather? Because I… Toby: Yes. Michael: Oh… Okay. [Jake walks up to the candy bowl at reception] Jake: Is it okay if I take one? Pam: Sure. Jake: Thank you. Pam: You’re welcome. Jake: Is your job hard? Pam: It’s not too bad. I get to shred things sometimes. Do you wanna see? Jake: Yeah! Pam: Really? Jake: Yeah. Pam: Okay. Um, here it is. [turns on shredder] Don’t put your fingers in there. [shreds paper] Cool, huh? Jake: That’s so cool. Yeah. Pam: Yeah, I get to do this, like, every week. Jake: That’s so awesome. Pam: I know. [Michael is seated at his desk in front of his computer] Michael: Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one [types]. Little kid lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at. [Kevin and Abby walk up to Jim seated at his desk] Kevin: Go ahead. Abby: Do you wanna come over for dinner tonight? Jim: Oh, man, I would love to. I can’t tonight, but can I come over some other time? Abby: [nods] Kevin: What’re you doing? You never have plans. Jim: Thanks, Kev. Uhm, I’m actually going on a date. Kevin: Nice. [Michael exits his office] Michael: Hey, uh, no, please? You can’t leave yet. There’s still one more thing we need to do. [everyone is in the conference room. Dwight plays guitar and Michael sings] Michael: You, who are on the road, Must have a code, That you can live by [Dwight joins in] Michal & Dwight: [sing] And so, become yourself, Because the past, is just a goodbye, And teach, your children well Jim: Why does he own a guitar if he doesn’t know how to play? Pam: I think he thought his ukulele skills would transfer. [Jim leaves] Michael and Dwight: [sing] Did slowly go by, And feed, them on your dreams Pam: My theory is that… Jim: [signals he’s leaving, waves bye to Pam] Michael and Dwight: [sing] The one they picked, the one you’ll know by, Don’t you ever ask them why, if I told you would cry, you never look at them and sigh, And know they love you Dwight: And they do. Your parents, love you very much. Michael: One more time. [sings] You… Dwight: The Schrute's consider children very valuable. In the olden days, the women would bear many children, so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter, and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood. [laughs] No! They didn’t eat the children. It never came to that.