Michael’s Birthday
Written By: Gene Stupnitsky & Lee Eisenberg Directed By: Ken Whittingham Transcribed By: Admin [Michael addresses the men of the office in the conference room] Michael: So, Phil recruited me to sell these cards, and now I am recruiting you. Oscar: Who is this guy again? Michael: Don’t worry about Phil. He drives a Corvette. He is doing just fine. Okay. Calling cards are the wave of the future. These things sell themselves. Ryan: Who uses calling cards anymore? Michael: You know what, that’s a nice attitude, Ryan. I’m just helping you invest in your future, my friend. Oscar: This sounds like a get-rich-quick scheme. Michael: Yes. Thank you. You will get rich quick. We all will. Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment-- the one from the email? Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay? Alright. So, raise your hand if you wanna get rich. [Jim and Dwight raise their hands] Michael: Alright. Jim: No, um. How is this not a pyramid scheme? Michael: Alright, let me explain. Again. [loosens lips] [draws on board] Phil has recruited me and another guy. Now, we are getting three people each. The more people that get involved, the more people who are investing, the more money we’re all gonna make. It’s not a pyramid scheme, it is a--it’s not even a scheme per se, it’s… Jim: [draws a triangle around Michael’s diagram] Michael: [quietly] I have to go make a call. [Michael enters the office and knocks on the reception desk] Pam: Happy birthday, Michael. Michael: Oh ho ho! What? Pam: I said happy birthday. Michael: Thank you. That’s really nice. Michael: Today is my B-day, and people around here just go crazy for it. I don’t know why. Oh, fun fact. I share my birthday with Eva Longoria. So, I have a perfect ice-breaker if I ever meet Teri Hatcher. [Michael talks to Pam at reception] Michael: Excited? Pam: Mm-hmm. Michael: Everybody freaking out? Pam: Mm-hmm. Michael: Cool. Gonna be fun. Kevin: [enters the office] Michael: You're late. Kevin: Thank you. Michael: But I forgive you because "doth it is my birthday." [Michael walks past Jim to his office.] Michael: What’s up? Jim: Hey. Oh, happy birthday. Michael: Ah, thank you, sir. Jim: Michael's birthday. Uh, it's pretty fun to watch, actually. He gets very excited, and then he eats a lot of cake. And then he runs around the office. Then he has a sugar crash in the afternoon. And then he falls asleep. And that's when we get our work done. [Kevin sits in the breakroom] Kevin: [sighs] Meredith: Did you hear anything yet? Kevin: No. I’m still waiting. [Dwight knocks at Michael's office door and enters] Michael: Yeah. Dwight: Yes. There he is, the birthday boy. Michael: Oh, gGod. Dwight: Birthday hug. Michael: No, no, no, no. New suit. Please. Dwight: That suit is amazing. Michael: Thank you very much. It is from Italy. [checks jacket] Actually, no, Bulgaria. Dwight: Mmm. Maybe I should get one. Michael: Good luck. One of a kind. Dwight: eBay. Hmm. Question. May I be in charge of the party planning festivities? Michael: Not necessary. The party planning committee is all over it. They’ve been working twenty-four seven all day yesterday. Dwight: Excellent. On my part, I did manage to reserve the-- Michael: Don’t! Nope! Please. Don’t want to spoil it for anybody. Spoil the surprise. Dwight: Let’s get the party started. [begins ‘raising the roof’] Michael: Let’s get the party started. Not the way I taught you. [Michael joins in] Michael: [hums] Dwight: [imitating bass kick] [The party planning committee sits around the table in the conference room] Phyllis: When should we bring out the cake? One or one thirty? Pam: One’s good. Angela: One thirty. Pam: [yawns] Angela: I’m sorry. Are we boring you? [Dwight enters the room unannounced] Dwight: Party planning committee, listen up. Michael would like trick candles for his birthday cake. So make that a priority. Phyllis: Where do we get those? Dwight: Not my problem. Here is a list of things that Michael would like to be surprised by. [hands list to Pam] Pam: Michael wants a strippergram? Dwight: Yes, but he doesn’t want to know when, or whom. Angela: No. This is a closed door meeting. [Dwight and Angela have a stare-off. Dwight leaves] [Michael is in his office with Ryan. Michael's phone rings, he answers] Michael: Yeah? Pam: Michael, I have Jan on the line. Michael: Oh, great. Put her through. Jan: Hello, Michael. Michael: Hey, you. Jan: I’m returning your call, you said it was urgent. Michael: It is urgent. I just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday. Jan: Well, today’s not my birthday, so… Michael: Really? ‘Cause, I thought we had the same birthday. Jan: Happy birthday, Michael. Michael: Thanks. [grins] Jan: Am I on camera? Michael: Nope. Totally private. You can say whatever is in your heart. [Jan hangs up] Michael: [to Ryan] You can take a five, if you want. [Michael puts box of donuts on kitchen bench and stands next to them waiting for someone to enter] Michael: Somebody brought in donuts for my birthday. Stanley: Happy birthday. Michael: Thanks. [Jim and Kevin talk] Jim: Man, I’m so sorry. When do you find out? Kevin: They said this afternoon. They’re waiting on a second opinion. Jim: Oh, okay. Kelly: Second opinion on what? Kevin: Um, I might have skin cancer. Kelly: Oh, no. I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, and there was a lifeguard on it, and he had skin cancer too. Jim: Kelly, you know what… Kelly: I never really thought about death until Princess Diana died. That was the saddest funeral ever. That and my sister’s. [Toby enters the kitchen. Michael is still standing by the box] Toby: Who brought in donuts? Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday. Toby: Happy birthday. Michael: You didn’t know it was my birthday. Toby: I guess I forgot. Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut. [closes box] Toby: You serious? Michael: Mmm. [Oscar, Kevin and Angela talk at their desks] Oscar: Skin cancer is treatable. Kevin: Right. Oscar: It’s gonna be okay. Angela: You don’t know it’s going to be okay. Don’t give him false hope. It’s probably nothing, though. [Delivery Woman enters the office with a large package] Delivery Woman: Hi, delivery for Michael Scott. [Michael comes running out of his office] Michael: Here we go. Okay, this is great. [giggles] Thank you, my friends. She is perfect. Uh. Dwight, may I have your, chair please? And, um, some singles, if you will. Alright. Nnnnn-dink! [puts single into Delivery Woman’s pocket. Giggles] Okay. Um... Alright. This has arms. Is that gonna be, uh-- is that alright? Delivery Woman: Uh. S-sure. Michael: [laughs] Okay. I’m so nervous. Pam: I can sign for it. Delivery Woman: Oh, thanks. Michael: When I was seven, my mother hired a pony and a cart to come to my house for all the kids. And I got a really bad rash from the pony. And all the kids got to ride the pony. And I had to go inside. And my mother was rubbing cream on me, for probably three hours. And I never came outside. And by the time I got out, the pony was already in the truck, and around the corner. So that was my worst birthday. [Dwight plays Billy Joel's, For The Longest Time, on recorder while Michael eats donuts in his office] Michael: Stop it. Stop! What is that? Dwight: It’s ‘For the Longest Time,’ by William Joel. It’s you favorite song. Michael: Yeah, yeah, when it’s on the radio. My birthday blows. Nobody even signed my birthday poster. Apparently my mother is the only one that cares enough to send me anything. Dwight: I probably care more than she does. Michael: You’re making it worse. I bet Luke Perry’s friends don’t treat him like this. [points to James Dean poster on his wall] [Pam and Jim are sat at the table in the kitchen] Pam: When does he hear? Jim: Sometime today. Pam: Oh. Poor Kevin. Pam: If I knew I had a week to live, I would probably go to Europe... And South America... And the Grand Canyon... And I would want to see the Pacific Ocean. It would be a pretty busy week. [Dwight sits at his desk and talks on the phone] Dwight: Uh, that’s a list price of four dollars and fifty cents. Unfortunately, this item is on [watch beeps] back order [hangs up] Michael! Michael! Michael, Michael, Michael! Come here, come here, come here! Come here! Michael: What? Dwight: Listen up everyone! It is 11:23 exactly. The exact moment when you emerged from your mother’s vaginal canal. So, huh? [claps] Right. Have a seat, please. Michael: [grinning] Oh, God. Dwight: There is a tradition that the Hebrews have of hoisting the birthday boy up on a chair. Michael: Ohhh, no. Dwight: So come over, help me celebrate Michael’s birth moment. Kevin. Michael: Oh, no, no, no. Oscar: I’ll do it. Michael: I can’t… Ryan, come on. Let’s do this. Dwight: Creed! Come on. Stanley! Pam: I feel like we should go get Kevin something. Do you think we can sneak out of here? Jim: Maybe, but we’re gonna need somebody to create a diversion, and… Dwight: On three, we’re going to hoist away! Ready? Michael: Okay. Dwight: Happy birth moment, Michael. Michael: Thank you. Dwight: One, two, three! [Michael is raised in the chair, his head hits the ceiling] Michael: Whoa, whoa. Alright. Alright. Watch it, please. Dwight: Oscar… Oscar: It wasn’t me. [Delivery Boy enters the office with a box of subs] Dwight: Okay, that is not an eight-foot sub. Delivery Boy: Uh, we don’t make an eight-foot sub. This is eight one-foot subs. Dwight: F. Alright, what’s the damage? Delivery Boy: Uh, thirty-nine sixty. Dwight: [counts cash] Thirty nine. [pulls out wallet and hands exactly sixty cents] Sixty. Dwight: Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverise my own kidney stones. [Dwight and Michael are in the breakroom. The subs are on a table] Dwight: Here they come. Michael: Get in here. Dwight: Come and get it. Michael: Everybody. Michael: Birthday party subs. My gift to you. Oscar: What is this? Dwight: Uh, bologna, tomato and ketchup. Michael: The best. Stanley: These are all the same? Michael: Yes. Angela: Bologna? I don’t eat bologna. Michael: Well, then just have the tomato and ketchup. Still good. Angela: No. Michael: Just the bread. It’s fresh baked. Angela: No. Michael: Okay. [picks up box of subs and leaves] Get whatever you want. [under breath] And choke on it. Michael: When I was sixteen, I was supposed to go out on a date with a girl named Julie. But there was another Michael in the class that she apparently thought the date was with. So she went out with him, on my birthday. And, she got him a cake, at the restaurant. And it wasn’t even his birthday. But I heard about it the next day in school. So, that was the worst birthday I think I ever had. [Jim and Pam are at the grocery store. Jim pushes the trolley] Jim: So. We got Kev some stuff. Um, party pack of M&M’s, his favorite candy. A DVD of American Pie 2, which is his favorite movie, and, he lent it to Creed. So, I can guarantee you he won’t get that back. Pam: Sixty-nine cup of noodles. Jim: Which we realize sounds crass, but, it is his favorite number. Pam: And his favorite lunch. [Ryan makes himself a sandwich in the kitchen. Dwight enters and pulls ice cream cake from freezer] Dwight: Hey temp, you know, uh, we still got five feet of sandwich left. Ryan: Someone ate three feet of that thing? Dwight: Hell, yeah. Save room for ice cream cake. [Angela enters and grabs the cake from Dwight] Angela: Thank you. Dwight: Oh, I got it. Angela: What are--it’s the party planning committee. Dwight: [whispering] This is the most important day of the year. I can’t risk anything. Angela: Fine. Dwight: What about that meeting later to discuss finances? Angela: Yes. [whispering] but don’t expect any cookie. Dwight: [whispering] But what if I’m hungry? [Ryan looks awkwardly at Angela and Dwight in the background] Angela: [whispering] No cookie. [Angela leaves the kitchen] [Ryan is speechless and looks shocked] [Jim puts fabric softener into cart] Jim: What? Pam: You use fabric softener? Jim: Yeah. You don’t? Pam: No, I do. Jim: Okay. [Dwight brings out cake to Michael as the office staff sing] Office Staff: [sing] Happy birthday dear Michael, [Michael joins in. Kevin’s phone rings] Happy birthday [everyone but Dwight stops] To you. Kevin: Hello? Hey. Michael: Kevin? Respect the birthday, please. Kevin: No, um, no not yet. I will. Bye. [hangs up] It was just Stacey. Michael: Are you done? Good. Okay. Dwight: Here we go. Make a wish. Michael: I'm... gonna blow out the candles. Okay. Mmm… [blows out the candles] Dwight: Yeah! Yay! [claps] Michael: I asked for trick candles. Dwight: Pam was supposed to get ’em. Michael: Okay. Well, when she comes back, we’ll do it again. [notices Meredith hugging Kevin] Hello. What about the birthday boy? Haven’t had a hug all day. Angela: No one cares about your birthday. Kevin’s waiting to hear if he has skin cancer. Michael: H, that sucks. Great. Wow, that’s good timing. That’s-- Sorry. That’s terrible. Terrible news. That’s terrible… Terrible news for both of us. [takes cake into office and slams the door] [Pam and Jim walk around the shop. Pam checks her watch] Pam: We should probably head back. Jim: Yeah. Okay. Oh. I dare you to make an announcement. Pam: You dare me? How old are you? Jim: Just quit stalling. Pam: [over loudspeaker, imitating Darth Vader] Luke, this is your father. Come set the table for dinner. Jim: Such a dork. Pam: [loudspeaker] Jim Halpert, price check on fabric softener. The kind--that gives you-- Store Employee: Ma’am, please don’t touch that. That is not a toy. Pam: Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry. Jim: How old are you? Pam: I hate you. [Toby and Kevin talk at Toby's desk] Toby: Honestly, is there any way you can get on your fiancée's plan? Our health plan is--it's--it’s terrible. Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover. Kevin: Still scary. Michael: Yeah, but it’s not brain cancer. And it shouldn’t stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is. Kevin: Well, the doctor said a combination of Interferon and Dacarbazine. Michael: And laughter, also. Toby: I don’t really think people are in the laughing mood. Michael: Why are you here? I didn’t even invite you to my birthday party. Toby: I work here. Michael: [imitating Toby] I work here. [to Kevin] Alright. Well, you know what, since Toby doesn’t speak for everybody and I am your boss, I think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day. Kevin: If I go home now, I’ll just drive myself crazy. Michael: Well, you’re pretty much driving everyone else here crazy. Crazy with worry. Dwight: Where have you been? And don’t say the bathroom, ’cause I kicked in all the stalls. Jim: Well that’s an invasion of privacy, so, I’m going to tell Michael. Dwight: Please, don’t. Jim: You… owe me. Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention please. Kevin, we’re going to take you to a very special place, a place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. Stanley: Is this trip related in any way to your… birthday? Michael: How dare you sir. You are gross. [Michael sits at his desk and makes a makeshift Livestrong wristband with yellow paper and sticky tape] [Pam and Jim enter the office with shopping bags] Dwight: Where have you been? And don't say the bathroom, 'cause I kicked in all the stalls. Jim: Well, that's in invasion of privacy. So, I'm going to tell Michael. Dwight: Please don't. Jim: You owe me. [Michael exits his office] Michael: Excuse me, everyone. Attention, please. Kevin, we're going to take you to a very special place. A place that will make you happy, and a place that is far, far away from the evil sun. Stanley: Is this trip in any way related to your birthday? Michael: How dare you, sir? You're gross. [everyone is at the skating rink. A large poster is hung on the glass, 'Happy Birthday, Michael Scott'] Michael: That should not be there. Dwight: I’ll get someone to take it down. Michael: No, it’s alright. It’s already up. Just leave it. Where’s Kevin? Come on! Let’s get our skate on! [Kelly leads Ryan on the ice] Kelly: Don’t be scared. You’re good. You’re good! Ryan: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kelly: You're good. Oh, hi. [Jim helps Pam skate] Jim: Think you can let go? Pam: No. [laughs] Jim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [Michael confidently skates by in hockey gear] Dwight: Yeah! Pam: Who is that? Jim: Is that Michael? Michael: Yeah, I’ve been pretty much skating my whole life. I thought about playing in the NHL. But you’re on the road so much. Get no time to spend with your wife and kids. And I really want a wife and kids. [Michael slams Toby into the wall] Michael: Aaaaah! [Toby falls to the ice] Michael: [laughs] [Michael skates up behind Pam] Pam: I got it. Michael: Hey Pam, all this stuff with Kevin, um, it’s pretty scary. And I’m thinking that, uh, next time you’re in the shower, you should check yourself out. You know, give yourself an exam. Those things are like ticking time bags. Alright? Think about it. Jim: Something to think about. [Kevin, Toby and Oscar talk] Kevin: Just can't relax about it... You know? Michael: Kevin. Have you heard anything yet? Kevin: No, not yet. Michael: Okay, well, Livestrong. [shows makeshift wristband] Kevin: Okay, Michael. Michael: Alright. Carol: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Carol? She sold me my condo. Hey. Was this place on the market? Or… Carol: Uh, no, I don’t just sell real estate. Uh, my daughter has a skating lesson. Michael: Oh, these all your kids? Carol: No, just the front two. Michael: Oh, hey, guys. What's up? You wanna go for a ride? Is that okay? Carol: Sure. Michael: Cool. Alright. Grab on. Here we go. Ready? Hang on tight. Alright. We are moving. We are really movin’ now! [Michael shows kids how to skate on the ice] Michael: Push. Good! That’s great. You got it. [Kevin’s phone rings] Michael: 'Scuse me. Kevin: Hello? Yeah, okay. Alright. Okay, I will. Thanks. [hangs up] It's negative. Michael: Oh, God [stomps foot] God! [throws hockey stick, and rips off makeshift wristband] We’re gonna beat this, okay? We’re gonna-- Come here. [hugs Kevin] Michael: Well, apparently, in the medicine community, negative means good. Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community, that would be--be chaos. [everyone sits around a table as Kevin and Michael open their gifts] Kevin: This is awesome. Thanks, you guys. Michael: Okay, who’s this from? Wowie. Look at that jersey. Dwight: Turn it around. Turn it around. Michael: Cool. Oh. Dwight: Show it. Michael: Great. [shows back of jersey has 'FROM DWIGHT' embroidered on the back] Dwight: From Dwight. Number one! Michael: Thank you, Dwight. That’s great. Thanks. Pam: Michael? Michael: Yeah. Pam: This is from all of us. Michael: Oh, you didn’t need to do that. Night Swept. This is really amazing. Thank you. I love it. Pam: Michael’s birthday was actually pretty cool. It was a good day. I don’t know. It was a good day.