Drug Testing
Written By: Jennifer Celotta Directed By: Greg Daniels Transcribed By: Admin Dwight: Kevin Malone, you’re next. Spit that out. [Kevin shoves the rest of the donut he’s eating into his mouth] Spit… Okay, come on, let’s go. Jim: You look cute today, Dwight. Dwight: Thanks, girl. Jim: So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs. Dwight: Let’s go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation. Kevin: [nods] Hey… Dwight: I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff’s deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven’t. Jim: [mimicking Stanley] I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip. Pam: [laughs] Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he’ll look up at me from his desk and he’ll just be someone else. Like he’ll go um, [makes mournful face, giggles] that’s supposed to be Phyllis. I can’t do it as good as he can. Kelly: And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I’m so small and all I’d eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said “Is it okay if I sip it?” and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way. Dwight: Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I’m going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night? Kelly: Six. Dwight: I didn’t know that you were at a party on Saturday night. Ryan: I go to a lot of parties. Dwight: Okay, I’m gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys. Ryan: I am not giving you my keys. Dwight: Don’t make me do this the hard way. Ryan: What’s the hard way? Dwight: I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him. Ryan: Yeah, let’s do it that way. Michael: Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you’re totally harshing the office mellow. Dwight: I can’t stop this investigation. It is my job. Jim: Whoa. You are a volunteer. Dwight: I volunteered for this job. Jim: And that’s not the same. Dwight: It is my duty… Jim: [interrupting] Volunteer duty. Dwight: …to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know. Michael: [fake coughing] Narc! Kevin: [giggling] Dwight: If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job. Michael: I wasn’t attempting to compliment you. Dwight: Well, you have… Michael: Uuf, well… Dwight: …because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have… Michael: [shakes head] Okay… Dwight: …and I am very proud of being a narc. Michael: Why don’t you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! [to Jim] Dude, where’s my office? [Jim quietly laughs] I totally lost it, ’cause I was half-baked. Smokin’ doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin’ doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest! Jim: Well, your office is behind you. Michael: Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies? Ryan: I don’t think Michael’s ever done drugs. I don’t know if anyone has ever offered him any. Dwight: Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother’s funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He’s a potential drug mule. Dwight: Have you ever taken any illegal drugs? Oscar: No, I have not. Dwight: Do you think it’s possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it? Oscar: What are you implying? Dwight: Have you ever… pooped… a balloon? Oscar: Okay. I’m done with this. Dwight: He sure left in a hurry. Dwight: I don’t want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime. Dwight: Do you know what this is? [pushing a photo toward her] Phyllis: Yes, it’s marijuana. Dwight: How do you know that? Phyllis: It’s labeled. Dwight: [grabs pictures back and looks at it] Dammit. Creed: That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica. Dwight: No, it’s marijuana. Jim: I’m just saying that you can’t be sure that is wasn’t you. Dwight: That’s ridiculous, of course it wasn’t me. Jim: Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don’t remember. Dwight: I would remember. Jim: Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory? Dwight: That’s not how it works. Jim: Now how do you know how it works? Dwight: Knock it off, okay, I’m interviewing you. Jim: No! You said that I’d be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke? Dwight: [opens eyes wide in total surprise] Oscar: So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I’d love to hear it. Jim: Oh, um…[mimicking Stanley] Why do you keep CC’ing me on things that have nothing to do with me? [Pam and Oscar laugh, Stanley walks in, and Oscar leaves quickly] Stanley: Is that supposed to be me? Jim: Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression. Stanley: I do not think that is funny. Pam: He does everyone in the office. Stanley: Hmmmpt. Pam/Jim: [in unison] I do not think that is funny. Pam: Jinx! Buy me a coke. Jim: Oh… Pam: No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid. [Jim puts money in drink machine, selection is sold out] Pam: Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx. Jim: [mouths] C’mon! Pam: Sorry, that’s not my problem. Jim: [presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face] Dwight: I know you’re innocent, but I can’t look like I’m treating you any differently. Angela: I understand. Dwight: Where were you yesterday after work? Angela: [smiles knowingly] Michael: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who’s he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin? Kevin: That is so good, Michael Michael: Remember the narc bit? [laughs] Uh-oh, who’s in trouble? Dwight: Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone’s urine. Michael: Waa… what? What are you talking about? Dwight: Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours. Oscar: Is that true, Toby? Toby: Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing. Michael: Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don’t know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I’m sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it. Michael: Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection. Dwight: No you can’t do that. Michael: I can do that, it is my office. Dwight: No you cannot. It has to be official, and it has to be urine. Michael: Hmmm. Ha. [under his breath] Alright. Great. Dwight: Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine? Kevin: I’m not taking Rogaine. Dwight: Angela, what about you? Angela: I don’t take any prescription drugs. Dwight: You’re not on anything? Angela: [gives Dwight a knowing look] Dwight: Good. Kelly: So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! [Jim hunches his shoulders and grins] One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. [Jim shakes his head no in agreement] I mean not everything, Jim. [Jim shakes his head in agreement] I promise, I’m not that kind of… Pam: Hey guys, what’s going on? Kelly: We’re having the best conversation. [Jim, eyes wide, shakes his head, no] Pam: Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. [Jim shakes his head. Seems relieved to be getting away from Kelly] But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation. [Jim nods his head as if to say, “Gee, thanks, Pam.”] Kelly: So, I was looking so hot… Michael: It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about. Phyllis: We don’t feel that way. Angela: No, not at all. Oscar: You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc. Michael: No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, “Hey, you know what, he’s right? What he’s doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.” Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Michael: I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind. Michael: Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn’t smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children. Stanley: Where did you get these facts? Michael: Are these facts scaring you, or are they not? Stanley: They are not. Michael: Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool? Stanley: No, I don’t. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants. Michael: Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with? Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael. Michael: Yes it is. Toby: No it’s not. It’s a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors. Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby’s urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair. Toby: You can’t do that. Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly. Toby: That’s not random. Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I’m going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam. Pam: I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs. Michael: Really? [Jim shakes his head no] Pam: Uh, hmmm. Michael: Jim it’s okay. You can t… [Jim looks at Pam and shakes his head, Pam looks at him and gestures for Jim to go up and tell his story] This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. [Jim shakes his head no] It’s okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. [Jim stands up] Oh, he’s doing it, okay. [Jim looks at Pam] It’s okay. [Jim pretends to try, looking teary eyed, shakes his head no, mouths “I can’t” and sits back down. Pam is amazed.] Oh. Okay, are you sure? [Jim shakes his head. Kevin pats his shoulder] That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. [Pam nods in admiration at Jim] Okay, well. Pam: Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that. Michael: The point I’m trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don’t quite hate ’em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not. Dwight: No, you will be tested. Michael: Yes, I will not be. Dwight: You will be. That is the law according to the rules. Michael: Okay, well Dwight just know that I’ve been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn’t planning on going to the bathroom and I don’t even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you. Dwight: Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy. Linda: We test a lot of urine. Dwight: Mine was green. Linda: Oh, right. How are you? Dwight: I’m all better. Michael: So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done. Dwight: What kind of filing? Michael: Just forget it. Just the urine. Dwight: That goes directly to the tester. Michael: Just. I need your urine. Dwight: Like in a cup? Michael: Yes in a cup, we’re not animals, Dwight. Dwight: For what purpose? Michael: It’s none of your business. Dwight: Then I refuse. Michael: Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring. Dwight: Are you serious? Michael: I need clean urine for the lady. Dwight: But that’s illegal. Michael: Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes Dwight: Not my urine. Michael: A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens. Dwight: Were you forced to do drugs at this concert? Michael: No, just look. Look. Just… just fill up the cup. Angela: Do you want to give Michael your urine? Dwight: I want him to have all the urine he needs. Angela: You’re not going to get my permission on this. Dwight: I know that. Don’t you think I know that? Linda: Yeah, we do testing all over the country. Ryan: Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring? Linda: You want to work at the urinalysis lab? Ryan: Yeah. Maybe. Dwight: My father’s name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather’s name was Dwight Schrute. His father’s name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he’d wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn’t know about it. He didn’t tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out. Pam: What? [Jim shakes his head] Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. [Jim shakes his head no] You look like you have something really important to say and you just can’t for some reason. [Jim smiles] Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything. [Jim stops smiling and looks down. Pam wonders what that means] Kevin: I’d like a magazine. Linda: We just need urine, sir. Kevin: I’d still like one. Michael: Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much. Dwight: That’s great. Michael: What’s wrong? Where’s your costume? Dwight: It’s a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation. Michael: Why? Wha… Dwight: I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today. Pam: [placing a coke can in front of Jim] Here. [Jim looks confused] Just buy it from me. I haven’t talked to you in hours and it’s been weird and I really want to know what the hell’s going on with Dwight. [Pam scoots the coke can towards Jim. Jim pulls out his wallet and hands Pam a dollar. He gives the coke back to Pam] Jim: Hi. Pam: Hey. Jim: How much time do you have left on your break? Pam: Ten minutes. Michael: Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I’ve decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch. Dwight: Really? Michael: Yes, sir. Dwight: That’s fantastic because I’ve always felt that the security here sucked. Michael: So you wanna? Thanks. Hank: Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security. Michael: Okay. Hank: Here’s your badge. Dwight: Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. [To Hank] Can I have a gun? Hank: No, I don’t have a gun. Dwight: Okay, I’ll have to bring in my bow staff. Hank: I don’t think so. Michael: Good. Dwight: [salutes] Thank you, Michael. Michael: No. Oh. Uh… [awkwardly salutes] Dwight: I need to go over some details with you. Michael: Alright. [to Hank] Well, Thank you. Dwight: First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have? Hank: Two. Dwight: Oh, God. Jim: Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don’t get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?