Casino Night
Written By: Steve Carell Directed By: Ken Kwapis Transcribed By: Admin Michael: Tonight the Scranton Business Park is having Casino Night. And we are converting our warehouse into a full-blown gambling hall. And I know it’s illegal in Pennsylvania. But it’s for charity. And I consider myself a great philanderer. It’s just nice to know at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror and say, “Michael, because of you, some little kid in the Congo has a belly full of rice this evening.” Just... makes you feel good. [door opens] Dwight: Ahem. Jim: Excuse me. How long is the wait for a table for two? Dwight: I would never, ever serve you. Not in a million, billion years. Pam: It’s a nice tux. Dwight: I know. It belonged to my grandfather. He was buried in it, so... family heirloom. Roy: So, what’s the deal? We gotta pay for our own drinks? That’s lame. Pam: Come on, it’ll be fun. And besides, I’m a roulette expert. Dwight: Impossible. Roulette is not a game of skill. It is a game of chance. Jim: I can always kind of win at roulette. Dwight: Oh, really? Mmm-hmm. Dwight: How would you do that? Jim: Mind control. Dwight: [chuckles] You can’t be serious. Are you serious? Jim: Ever since I was a little kid, like eight or nine, I could sort of control things with my mind. Dwight: I don’t believe you. Continue. Jim: It was just little things, you know. Like I could make something shake. Or I could make a marble fall off the counter. You know, just little things. Dwight: [scoffs] That’s ridiculous. You know what? Uh… Why don’t you move that coat rack? Excuse me, everyone! Attention in the office, please. Jim is about to prove his telekinetic powers. And he needs absolute silence. Go ahead. Jim: Okay, I’ll try. [exhales] [The coat rack wobbles] [ Quick cut to Pam. Holds up an umbrella to the camera in another scene] [cuts back to scene] Dwight: Oh, my God. Michael: I try not to think of it as lagging behind. It’s more of a David and Goliath thing. Jan: [on phone] Yeah, but… Well, the fact of the matter is that your branch is currently number four of the five branches that I oversee. Michael: Top 80 percent! Jan: Michael... Michael: Yep? Jan: You know that I’m very serious here. Michael: Jan, listen. I promise that I will kick it up a notch. Bam! Jan: What? Michael: Emeril. Oh, actually, while I have you-- Not that I have you or have ever had you. But we’re having our Casino Night tonight, and I think everyone would love to see their fearless leader here. Jan: I thought that you were their fearless leader. Michael: I am, but you are the Eva Peron to my Cesar Chevez. Jan: [guffaws] I, um, think you can handle it, probably, Michael. Michael: Oh, come on. Come on! It'd be fun. Michael: You know, it’d be fun. I can hear it in your voice. You need a break. Jan: Goodbye, Michael. [line clicks'] Michael: Jan and I understand each other. The romance thing is sort of on hold for the time being. But we’ve remained good friends. Good friends with privileges. Not now. Some day. Michael: Okay, everybody. Tonight’s event is to benefit the Boy Scouts of America. Oscar: Again? We do that every year. Michael: Well, they need our money. They don’t have cookies like the Girl Scouts. Oscar: It’d be nice to do something for people who are actually suffering. Michael: Well, Oscar, if you don’t like it, then you should concentrate on winning. Because the person at the end of the evening with the highest chip count will receive $500 to donate to the charity of their choice. And they will get a mini-fridge compliments of Vance Refrigeration. Dwight: Yes! Michael: So, get your charities in to Pam. I, for example, am playing for Comic Relief. Jim: That doesn’t exist anymore. Michael: Comedy's very much alive, as are homeless people. Pam: No, they stopped making that show. Michael: Well, then they need our money more than ever. Angela: You have to pick an approved, non-profit organisation. Creed: There’s a great soup kitchen in downtown Scranton. Delicious pea soup on Thursdays. I’ll probably give the money to them. Kevin: Something with animals. Or people. Kelly: Kobe Bryant has a foundation, and he is so hot. And he gave his wife the biggest diamond ring. I know he didn’t do it. …Maybe he did it. Angela: We are giving money that has been gambled. Why don’t we just deal drugs or prostitute ourselves, and donate that money to charity? Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We’re gonna-- Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children since it’s-- You know, there’s gambling and alcohol. And it’s in our dangerous warehouse. And it’s a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know,. Is that enough? Should I keep going? Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief since apparently it doesn’t exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS. Jim: No, I think you mean the Aid to Afghanistan. Michael: No, I mean Afghanistanis with AIDS. Phyllis: Afghani. Michael: What? Phyllis: Afghani. Michael: That’s a dog. Pam: No, that’s Afghan. Michael: That’s a shawl. Dwight: Wait. Canine AIDS? Michael: No, humans with AIDS. Creed: Who has AIDS? Jim: Guys, the Afghanistananis. Michael: Okay, you know what? No. No. AIDS is not funny. Believe me. I have tried. Michael: There are certain topics that are off-limits to comedians. JFK. AIDS. The Holocaust. The Lincoln Assassination just recently became funny. “I need to see this play like I need a hole in the head.” [chuckles] And I hope to someday live in a world where a person could tell a hilarious AIDS joke. It’s one of my dreams. Jim: What are you doing? Pam: Oh, nothing. Jim: “Till Death Do Us Rock.” Pam: They’re wedding bands. Jim: Oh. Pam: Roy was supposed to pick the band, but he’s concentrating more on the bachelor party now. Jim: Wait, wait, where you going? I mean, even if you don’t hire a band, you still have to watch the bands. Pam, these are people who have never given up on their dreams. I have great respect for that. And, yes, they’re all probably very bad. And that will make me feel better about not having dreams. Pam: There’s a KISS cover band in here. Jim: Let’s do it. Pam: [laughs] Pam: I’m pretty happy these days. I’m getting married soon, and I’m getting along with everybody at work. Jim: Why did I talk to Jan about transferring? Well, you know… I have no future here. Michael: I have already put down the deposit. Do you understand how a deposit works? Darryl: Mike, I am not having fire-eaters in a paper warehouse. Michael: It’s Casino Night like Las Vegas. There are fire-eaters all over the place. Darryl: Except my warehouse. Michael: Well, actually, it’s my warehouse. Dwight: Actually, it’s owned by Beakman Properties, and Dunder Mifflin is four years into a seven-year lease. Michael: Why are you here? Dwight: When Darryl was coming, you said you wanted me here for protection. Michael: Not. I said, not that. Darryl: We just have a lot of stuff down there that could be stolen. Michael: That’s ironic. Darryl: What? Michael: That you are afraid. Darryl: Why? ‘Cause I’m from the hood? Michael: Dinkin’ flicka. Darryl: [sighs] Dinkin’ flicka. Darryl: I taught Mike some, uh, phrases to help with his interracial conversations. You know, stuff like, “Fleece it out.” “Going mach five.” “Dinkin’ flicka.” You know, things us Negroes say. Michael: Give me some. [Michael and Darryl perform simultaneous hand gesture] Darryl: Oh, yeah, I taught him a handshake, too. Jim: [Jim ejects a videotape from the VCR and puts in a new one] Wow. I don’t know how you’re gonna decide. They are all extremely good. Pam: I think I should hire them all. Do like Lollapalooza. Jim: Yes. Pam: Have three stages, yeah. Jim: Your mom would love that. She would. Oh, this band is called Scrantonicity. Pam: Oh. Jim: Let’s take a look. Nice. Pam: Oh, wait. That’s Kevin. On the drums. Jim: What? Pam: On the drums! On the drums! Jim: Oh, my God, that’s Kevin! Great song, Kev. Oh, my God, he’s the drummer and the singer. Kevin: We really don’t do a lot of weddings. We actually don’t play in public very often. We are all really hoping that Pam’s wedding works out. This could be a turning point for the band. Jim: Wow. Oh! Pam: Oh, my… Jim: Yeah, you haven’t seen that since 1983. That is amazing. Okay, we have to sign him. I’m gonna call the label, we’re gonna… Pam: No! No! Jim: No, Pam, you’re gonna lose him to another wedding. Pam: No, come back! No, no, no! Jim: Kev! Pam: Jim is great. Being with him just takes away all the stress of planning my wedding. Michael: [phone rings] Yes Pam: [phone rings] Michael, Carol Stills for you. Michael: Who? Pam: Carol Stills. Michael: Do I know a Carol Stills? Pam: Your realtor. Michael: Oh, yeah, put her through. Hey Carol, how goes the real estate biz? Is it real good? Pam: It’s still me. Pam: Sometimes I don’t put Michael through until he’s already said something. I look at it as a practice run for him. He usually does better on the second attempt. Pam: Carol, you’re on with Michael. Carol: [on phone] Hello, Michael? Michael: Hi, Carol. How you doing? Carol: I’m great. I just needed one last signature for your mortgage insurance. Michael: Oh, hey, no problemo. Incidentally, I love the place. Carol: Oh, great. Michael: Great. It has a little bit of a weird smell. It’s okay. At Christmas, the tree helped. Carol: Oh, good, I’m glad. Can I drop it over later? Michael: Actually, I’m sort of hosting this charity thing in our warehouse, Casino Night. Carol: Oh, great. Michael: Yeah, it’ll be good. You know what? Why don’t you come by? Bring the papers, I’ll sign them and then you can stay and have a drink. Carol: To the casino thing? Michael: Yeah. It’ll be fun. What do you…[phone rings] What do you… Carol: What? Michael: Oh, I’m sorry. Could you hold on? Yes? Pam: Michael, Jan’s on line two. Michael: Okay, put her through. [Deep voice] Jan Levinson, I presume? Pam: It’s still me. Uh, Jan, here’s Michael. Jan: Michael? Michael: Hey, Jan. How you doing? Jan: You know, I… I thought about it and you are right. Michael: I am? Jan: I could use a little fun. So, I am going to drive up for your Casino Night. Michael: Oh, okay. Jan: Incidentally, what is the charity? Michael: AIDS. Jan: Okay, then. I will see you tonight. Michael: Okay, sounds great. Jan: Bye-bye. Michael: Bye Hello, Carol? Hi, sorry about that. I just… Carol: No problemo. Michael: Right. Carol: To answer your question… Michael: Yeah? Carol: Yes. Michael: What? Carol: I’d love to go. Michael: Okay. Carol: I have to get a sitter, but that shouldn’t be a problem. Michael: Problem. Good. Carol: And I’ll bring the papers, too. Michael: Good, All right. Sounds great. Carol: I’ll see you tonight. Michael: Bye. Carol: Bye. Michael: Two queens on Casino Night. I am going to drop a deuce on everybody. Pam: [People playing casino games as the actual Casino Night begins] Oh, my God! Roy: Yeah! That’s great. Michael: Hey, hey. Carol: Hi. Michael: Hey, Carol. Carol: Hi. Michael: You look great. Carol: Thanks. Thank you for inviting me. It looks so great in here. Michael: Oh, well… Kiss. [Michael kisses her on the cheek, pauses and then kisses her on the other cheek] That’s how we do it in the paper biz. It’s European and… Yes? Ah, Dwight [Kisses cheeks] Dwight: Code name Re/Max is here. No sign of Lan Jevinson. Dwight: I’m Michael’s wingman. I’ve got his back. Two dates. He’s got two dates tonight. My job is to keep Jan away from Carol and vice versa. Michael said, “We must deceive them, so as not to hurt them, and in that way, we honor them.” Michael: Can I get you a drink? The food is from Hooters. Carol: Drink would be good. Michael: Okay. Creed: Oh, I steal things all the time. It’s just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I’ve taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things. Billy’s Girlfriend: I’m gonna get a drink. Do you need anything? Billy: No, I’m fine. Thank’s sweetheart. Billy’s Girlfriend: Okay. Michael: Billy, your nurse is hot. Billy: That’s my girlfriend. Michael: Your nurse became your girlfriend? Sweet. Billy: She was never my nurse. I met her at Chili’s. She was my waitress. Michael: Chili’s is great. Michael: Welkommen, Bienvenue, and welcome to Monte Carlo! Dwight. I am no longer your boss. Lady Fortune is your boss. Stanley: [Under his breath] Will Lady Fortune give me a raise? Michael: Shut it, shut it, shut it. Will Lady Fortune be your mistress? Only time will tell, my friends. Leave all your preconceived notions about casinos at the door. Old friends, new lovers, and the disabled! Welcome all! Great, okay. Shuffle up and deal. Let’s get it started! Black-Eyed Crows. Dealer: Okay, the game is No-Limit Texas Hold’em. Good luck, everybody. That’s at least four red chips to you, sir. Michael: All-in. [Other players fold their hands] Michael: Bluffing is a key part of poker, which is too bad, because I’m not very good at bluffing. Did you believe me? Toby: I’ll call. Michael: What are… That’s insane. Toby: I have good cards. Michael: Well, Toby, I went all-in on the first hand, so doesn’t that tell you that I might have good cards, too? So don’t be stupid. Just take it back. Dealer: No, I’m sorry. He can’t, sir. He’s gone all-in. Michael: Okay, all right, whatever. Dealer: Flip them. Michael: You really screwed that up. [Michael leaves] Meredith: Wow. Toby: I don’t really play cards, but I’m not gonna lie to you. It felt really good to take money from Michael. Gonna chase that feeling. Dwight: I expect to do very well tonight. I have an acute ability to read people. Jim, for instance, has a huge tell. When he gets a good hand, he coughs. Jim: [coughs] I will raise. [Dwight sighs and folds his cards] Thanks. Jim: It’s the weirdest thing. Every time I cough, he folds. Carol: Wow, bad luck. Michael: Yeah, whatever. Hey, you know what? If luck weren’t involved, I would always be winning. [Sees Jan] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Jan: Michael? Michael: Jan. Jan: Hi. Michael: Look, okay, I think we’re all adults here, and it has always been my understanding that we have an open relationship. Jan: What are you… Just… Wait, what’re you talking about? Carol: What does that mean? Michael: After you said you weren’t coming, I invited Carol to come and I don’t think that I did anything wrong. Jan: No. No, you didn’t. Hi, I’m Jan. I’m Michael’s boss. Carol: Hi, hi. Jan: Does anyone want a drink? Carol: No, I’m good. Jan: Okay. [Carol stares at Michael] Michael: Um… Dwight: Hey, hey. Michael: Hey. What… Dwight: Jan’s here. Dwight: Give me the dice. Kevin: Come on, Dwight. Dwight: Let’s go. Billy: It’s all on you, baby. Let’s go. Angela: Good evening, Dwight. What is this? Dwight: Evening, Angela. This is craps. I need to roll an eight. If I do, everyone wins. Kevin: Yes. Angela: Then roll an eight. Dwight: Thank you, Angela. Angela: Good luck, Dwight. Dwight: Yeah! Yeah! [Kisses Angela, she slaps him and walks away smiling] Kevin: Dwight, let’s keep it going. Let’s keep it going. Let’s go. Oscar: Let it ride. Let it all ride. Dwight: Give me the dice! Jim: Yeah, right. Pam: “Yeah, right,” what? Jim: What was this? [Makes face] Pam: [Laughs] I have good cards. Jim: Really? Pam: Mhmm, And I’m gonna take you all-in. Jim: Wow. I think you’re bluffing. Kevin: Yeah, I think she’s full of it. Pam: Straight. Jim: Oh. Three nines. Kevin: Pam. Jim Halpert, ladies and gentlemen. Jim: Thank you very much. It was fun. Jan: Cosmopolitan, please. Carol: Can I get a red wine? So, two hours? That’s a long drive. Jan: Well, it’s part of the job, you know? Keep an eye on things. So… Why not? So, how long have you and Michael been… Carol: Oh, well, actually, I guess this would be our first date. I guess. Jan: Casino Night in the warehouse. Good sport. Carol: Well, I’m having a nice time. Jan: Oh, me too. Me too. Ryan: One beer and one Seven and Seven with eight maraschino cherries, sugar on the rim, blended if you can. Jim: So, that’s still going on, huh? You and Kelly? Michael: All right! Dealer: The point is four. Shooter, roll it. Four! Dwight: Come on, shooter! Michael: Four! [Holds dice in front of Carol] Blow. Blow for luck! Yeah! Also, you. Not playing favorites. [Holds dice in front of Jan] All right, here we go! Carol: All right. Michael: Yeah! Dealer: Five. Michael: So close. So close. Dwight: Come on. [Turns to Jan] So where you staying? Radisson? Jan: What? Dwight: Super 8? Jan: No, I… Dwight: Motel 6? Best Western? Jan: I didn’t… I don’t know… Dwight: Holiday Inn? The Hyatt in Wilkes-Barre? You staying with Michael? Kevin: I won the 2002 $2,500 No-Limit Deuce-to-Seven-Draw Tournament at the World Series of Poker in Vegas. So, yeah… I’m pretty good at poker. Kevin: All-in. Phyllis: Okay, let’s do it. Bob Vance: Good Luck, honey. Phyllis: Oh, thank you, Bobby. But it doesn’t matter, it’s just fun to play. Kevin: Three queens. Dwight: Nice, very nice. Phyllis: I have an ace. Oscar: No, that’s a flush. Dwight: Oh, man! Phyllis: Oh, I have a flush! Bob: Yes! Phyllis: Look, I won! Look I have all the clovers! You wanna play again? Kevin: I suck. Roy: She took you down, huh? Kevin: I do not want to talk about it. Roy: Hey, I saw your tape. Your band, Scrantonicity? You guys rock. Kevin: Yeah? Roy: Yeah, you guys wanna play our wedding? Kevin: Awesome. Did Pam say it was okay? Roy: Whatever. I’m in charge of the music. Kevin: Dude, you will not be sorry. Roy: Sweet. All right. Kevin: All right. Jan: Smoke? Jim: No, thanks. You having fun? Jan: Fabulous time. I drove two and a half hours to get here. Jim: Yeah, we all really… Jan: Left work early, drove down here. And I am completely underdressed Jim: Well, I think you look great. Jan: Why did I hook up with Michael? Jim: Yeah, why did you? Jan: It was very late, Jim. Very… Very late and… Have you given any more thought to the transfer? Jim: Oh, yeah. Jan: Good. Have you told anyone? Jim: No. Jan: Well, you should. Bob: Excuse me. Big moment. The evening’s chip leader and winner of this beautiful mini-refrigerator courtesy of Vance Refrigeration, Creed Bratton, Dunder Mifflin! Creed: Thanks. I never owned a refrigerator. Roy: Sorry, babe. I am just beat. Pam: It’s okay. I’ll see you at home. Roy: Okay. Hey, don’t try to lose too much money, all right? Pam: Okay. Roy: If you still want a honeymoon. Hey, Halpert. Keep an eye on her, all right? Jim: Okay, will do. Roy: See you. Pam: Bye! Hey. Jim: Hey, how’s it going? Pam: Good, especially after I took all your money in poker. Jim: Yeah. Hey, can I talk to you about something? Pam: About when you want to give me more of your money? Jim: No, I… Pam: Did you wanna do that now? We can go inside. I’m feeling kind of good tonight. Jim: I was just… I’m in love with you. Pam: What? Jim: I’m really sorry if that’s weird for you to hear, but I needed you to hear it. Probably not good timing, I know that. I just… Pam: What are you doing? What do you expect me to say to that? Jim: I just needed you to know. Once. Pam: Well, I um… I… I can’t. Jim: Yeah. Pam: You have no idea… Jim: Don’t do that. Pam: …what your friendship means to me. Jim: Come on. I don’t wanna do that. I wanna be more than that. Pam: I can’t. I’m really sorry if you misinterpreted things. It’s probably my fault. Jim: Not your fault. I’m sorry I misinterpreted our friendship. Jan: Hey. I’m leaving. Michael: Hey, okay. Jan: So, I just wanted to congratulate you on a fantastic evening. You did the company proud. Michael: Thank you. Jan: And thanks for inviting me. You were right, I needed it. So, thanks. Michael: Okay. Thanks for coming. Jan: Nice to meet you. Carol: You, too. Jan: And you guys have a good time together. Michael: Okay. Talk to you Monday. Jan: Yeah. Carol: Goodbye. Michael: Good night. She’s a good boss. Carol: She seems really nice. Michael: Oh, she’s great. Michael: Love triangle. Drama. All worked out in the end, though. The hero got the girl. Who saw that coming? I did. And Jan was really happy for me. So actually the hero got two girls. He got the girl that he works with and he got the girl that he buys real estate from. So, I’ve got my New York girl and my local flavor. Life is good. Pam: [On phone] About 10 minutes ago. No, I didn’t know what to say. Yes, I know. Um, I don’t know, mom, he’s my best friend. Yeah, he’s great. Yeah, I think I am. [Jim enters] I have to go. I will. Listen, Jim… [They kiss]