Café Disco
Written By: Warren Lieberstein & Halsted Sullivan Directed By: Randall Einhorn Transcribed By: Admin Erin: Oh my God! I can’t believe it! I jut won an art contest! [Erin screams, Pam and Jim look at each other, Dwight, laughing, gets up and hands her some money] Erin: [whispers] Thanks. I still don’t understand why you wanted me to say that. Dwight: Shut up. Dwight: [laughs hysterically] I got her! Pam: Not cool, Dwight. [Dwight continues laughing] Jim: Not cool. [Dwight still laughing] Michael: [caught by camera crew dancing to “At the Car Wash”, but laughing] Oh, no. I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company, so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Tiptoeing around corporate, it is a ballet. When I am breaking all the rules, I am break dancing. And expresso. Michael: Guys, I’m scared. I’m really scared. I think I’m growing into a giant. Because look at this normal sized coffee cup. Looks so tiny in my giant hand now. Anybody want to go to lunch with me later on? Dwight: I do. Michael: Okay. How about a woman? Pam? Pam: Oh, I can’t do lunch. I was just sending you an email. Jim and I need to leave early today to meet with our contractor. Michael: Oh, really? Okay. Pam: Just sent it. Michael: What about the rest of you? [complete silence] Michael: At Dunder Mifflin there is a very strict no lunch with the boss policy and I don’t know who instituted it. I think it started right after my predecessor stepped down, but at the Michael Scott Paper Company I really enjoyed having lunch with Pam and Ryan every day. So, rules be damned, I wanna have lunch with these people. Michael: Who else? Who else? Ryan? Ryan: I don’t do lunch. I’m eating five small meals a day now. Ryan: Now that I’m back to doing the job of a temp, again, I find that food is one thing I can control. Michael: Okay. Anyone? Anyone? At all? Accounting? I am accounting on you to go to lunch with me. Angela: No. I don’t want to stay late to have a two-hour lunch. Phyllis: Michael, we have a lot of work to do. Michael: What? Phyllis: Work. Michael: Ugh! God! What happened to you people? [talking like a robot] We are just office drones. We are office drones. All we do is work… is work. Pam: If you don’t take out his battery, he just keeps going all day. Pam: Oh, no. Your battery fell out. Michael: [still talking like a robot] I… was just learning… to… love. Erin: Hi, guys. How you doing? Dwight: Erin, how many times do I have to tell you? It is not necessary for you to ask us how we are doing every time you interact with us. Erin: Right. I’m sorry. Dwight: [sighs] Now, how can I help you? Erin: Did somebody here leave a map in the printer to Youngstown, Ohio? Dwight: Attention, office. Who here is planning a trip to Youngstown, Ohio? I will take your silence to mean that you are all hiding something. This location is the Superior Court – Pam: So, someone is going to a court. Big deal. Dwight: It is a big deal. 'Cause there’s only a handful of reasons why someone would ever go to a courthouse in Ohio and not be charged with a crime. To claim an inheritance from a deceased relative. To obtain a learner’s permit at age 14 and a half instead of 15. Erin, let me see your birth certificate. Erin: Sure. Jim: There are other reasons to go to Ohio. Pam: We’re getting married today. Jim: So, it turns out it’s the closest place to get a marriage license without a three-day waiting period. Pam: Tell 'em how it happened. Jim: Okay. So, we’re going through all the wedding plans and, boy, it is complicated. Pam: And very expensive. Jim: Very expensive. Cause you say you want a small wedding and that’s great but then you have to invite-- Pam: You can’t leave anyone out. Jim: No one. Pam: Okay, just get to the good part. Jim: Okay. Right. Oh, so this morning we are having breakfast together and I just looked up from my cereal and I said, ” You know what I want to do today? I want to marry you.” Pam: I had just woken up. I didn’t look cute. That’s how I knew he meant it. Erin: Michael? Michael sorry to bother you. Are you going to be working down here? Do you want these down here now? Michael: No work. No work. No work. I come in here to release frustration. Ooh. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ooh. Erin: Well, I like to swim. Michael: That’s good. Erin: You have a cool place to come hang. Michael: If you ever want to come down here, door’s always open, lock’s broken, so… Erin: Thanks. Michael: Come on in. Hey, hey, hey. Here we go. Here we go. Yeah. Erin: Wow. Michael: Now you got it. Erin: Now I do got it. Michael: Now you got it. Hey, you want some espresso? Erin: Oh, yeah. Michael: You gotta keep yourself dehydrated. Erin: That’s rule #1. Michael: Okay. I love it. I love it. Erin: Whew. Michael: I love it. Michael: Guys, I believe that I have figured out what is up your butts. There’s no reason to be scared. The bad man is gone. Charles is gone. Michael: Charles really did a number on these guys. They are way too focused on work. When I was in charge, this place was like Dave and Buster’s People just hanging out, having, fun, eating apps. I don’t know. It’s like [pause] Dave died or something. Michael: Daddy’s here and daddy is going to take care of you. Oscar: Please don’t refer to yourself as our daddy. Michael: I am your big daddy and I am gonna kiss da boo boo. Andy: [baby voice] Wittle Andy is afwaid. Michael: Andy’s afwaid? Andy: Yes. Michael: Are you all afwaid? Dwight: No. Michael: Daddy’s here for you. My wittle angels. Okay. I think that I have figured a way to get you guys out of your funk. Pam: What? Michael: Funk is the problem and the solution. Jim: That makes sense. Michael: I’ve taken my downstairs office and I have turned it into a place to hang out. A place where unattractive and attractive people can get together. To meet. To greet. To see the ones that you love. To love the ones that you see. Oscar: Is this our punishment for not wanting to have lunch with you? Michael: Why don’t you get over lunch, Oscar? Everybody else is past it. Dwight: [Jack Nicholson impression] All work and no play makes Michael a dull boy. Meredith: This is like a haunted coffeehouse thing? Michael: No. Dwight is confusing you. That--it’s, it’s more of a disco. Andy: It’s like a haunted disco. Michael: With coffee but without the haunted. Phyllis: It’s a combo dance house coffee bar. Michael: It’s a daytime disco on the ground floor of and industrial office building. Erin: It’s a cafe disco. Michael: Exactly. Kevin: So, like, a disco cafe? Michael: Wha--No. No. Not even close. I can’t force you to go down but I can entice you. I’m gonna be down there. Erin will be down there from time to time… and all-you-can-eat espresso. Michael: Well, Kevin, I guess it is just me and you. Kevin: Yeah. Michael: Holdin’ down the fort. Kevin: Yeah. This place is great. Michael: Thank you. Angela: Oh, my God, Kevin. I am still on hold. You were supposed to get the answer from Michael and come back up. Kevin: I’m sorry. Michael: This is a no work zone. Please respect the lei. Kevin: Yeah. Respect the lei. Angela: Come. Michael: Kevin, stay. Angela: Kevin, come. Michael: Kevin, stay. Angela: Kevin, come. Michael: Stay, stay. Angela: Come on, right now. Michael: Cookie. Kevin, cookie. Angela: Ugh. There is no cookie, Kevin. Kevin: [to Michael] Is there a cookie? Michael: Mmm-hmm. Angela: Wha-- Michael: Come on. Angela: Oh, for goodness sakes, Kevin. There’s no cookie. There’s no cookie. Come on. Come. Kevin: I wanted a cookie. Angela: Completely unacceptable. Michael: Now I know what the founders of Phillip-Morris felt like. you just want to give people a smooth, fun way to relax and suddenly you’re just some terrible monster. [Michael is holding the stereo speaker up to a vent – blaring “Gonna Make You Sweat" Everybody Dance Now”, Andy spins in chair] Andy: Oww! Phyllis: Aw, what the hell? [goes to Vance Refrigeration] Hi, Jessica. Is Bob in? Jessica: Oh, he’s on a call. Phyllis: Oh, I’ll just duck my head in. Jessica: It’s pretty important. He wouldn’t want to be disturbed. Can I give him a message before he gets off? Phyllis: Tell him I’m going dancing downstairs in the storage closet between the bathrooms that used to be a utility shower and he should join me there. Jessica: I’ll let him know. Phyllis: Mmm-hmm. Michael: Phyllis? Phyllis: Hi. Michael: Hey! Phyllis: Hey. I like. Michael: [starts dancing with Phyllis] Alright. Back. There you are. There you go. Good. Good. Ooh. Show me some attitude. Phyllis: Oh! Mother [bleep]! Michael: Oh, God! No! No! No! No! No! Phyllis: Back! Michael: Oh, wow! What did you do? Phyllis: [moans in pain] Michael: You didn’t do that. You’re okay. You’re okay. Let’s lie down. You want to go down? Alright. Phyllis: Wow! Sorry! Michael: Okay. That’s okay. That’s not a problem. Okay, sweetie. Dwight: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I got your text. Who’s Phillip? Michael: No. No. No. Dwight: Who tipped you over? Was it Phillip? Phyllis: It’s my back. Michael: It’s her back. We just--We need--Let’s--You know what? Phyllis: Call a doctor. Michael: We’re going to take care of you. We’re gonna get you help. Let’s--come on. Phyllis: No. Call Bob. Michael: Oh, no. No. No. This is no good. Dwight: Yeah. Back injuries are common. Not as common as knee injuries but more common than wrist injuries. Michael: I don’t need you to give me a history lesson. Okay? Dwight: What do you think history is? Michael: It’s just, we need to get her out of here because no one is going to want to go in there with a woman writhing around on the floor. Wait, wait, wait. But most importantly we need to get her some medical attention. ASAP. Stat. Michael: [barging through office door] Alright. Here we go. Dwight: Out of the way! Move it or lose it! Michael: You having fun? Erin: Oh, my God! What happened? Michael: What? Oh, just having too much fun. Phyllis, we’re going to put you in here. Dwight’s going to take care of you. Phyllis: What? No. I thought we were going to the hospital. Dwight: You want to get sick you go to the hospital. Michael: Okay, Dwight. Okay. Good. I do not want anyone to worry. Oscar: What happened to Phyllis? Michael: Oh, you know. Nothing. She’s--we were hanging out at Cafe Disco and she had a flare up of an existing injury. But she’s a tough, old bird. So… Angela: Can you please go back to work instead of masterminding these situations were in we hurt ourselves? Michael: Okay. Phyllis did injure herself. But she injured herself having fun and I don’t think she would trade that memory for anything. [Phyllis can be heard screaming in the background] Stanley: I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense. Michael: You all took a life here today. you did. The life of the party. Erin? Erin: Yes. Michael: I want you to go downstairs and I want you to shut it down. Erin: Like unplug the coffee machine and bring it up here. Michael: I don’t care. Bury it. I hope you’re happy. Dwight: [exits the conference room in an undershirt] I’m gonna need two able bodied men. Kelly: Cafe Disco? More like Crappe Disco. Erin: You’re bad. [they turn off the lights and turn on music – start dancing] Vance Refrigeration Guy 1: There’s girl in there. Vance Refrigeration Guy 2: Where? VRG 1: The other room? VRG 2: What other room? VRG 1: Down the hall. VRG 2: There’s girls in there? VRG 1: What’d I just say? VRG 2: You have another sandwich? VRG 1: Forget the sandwich. Girls. Girls. Michael: I guess they got what they want. I am eating alone. Might as well be dinner. Dwight: You comfy? Alright? Alright. Relax. Relax, okay? Phyllis: Dwight! Dwight! Dwight: Come on. Relax. The shirt wasn’t doing you any favors. If my assessment in correct, you grind your teeth? Phyllis: I do. Dwight: No kidding! She sits three feet from me. It’s the most annoying thing. [mimics grinding teeth] It’s like children singing Christmas carols. Andy: Yeah! I love the vibe down here. Erin: Ashley! You made it! Oscar: You invited someone? Erin: Oh, yeah. Was I not allowed to do that? Oscar: I’ve been here 8 years and I’ve never… [Erin walks away] Rude. Andy: I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure I’m in a dance off. Alright! Michael: Cafe Disco is dead but I can still hear the music in my head. Creed: I hear it, too, Boss. Michael: It’s better than I imagined it! Phyllis: That feels good, Dwight. Dwight: Tell me where it hurts. Phylis: Right… mmmm… right there. Dwight: Oh yeah. you’ve got a knot in your crest. This remedy has been passed down in my family for generations. and it always works. My grandfather was told that Diamond Dancer would never race again. they were wrong. He came in 9th in the Apple Creek Derby and his jerky came in 3rd the following year. A majestic beast. So fast. So tender. Michael: Welcome, welcome! Cafe Disco. I am Michael Scott. Erin: Hey, Angela! Welcome to-- Angela: Stop! Michael: Angela. Angela. Angela. May I interest you in a triple espresso or perhaps a dance? Angela: No. I didn’t come down here to get wet and wild. I just need you to sign these. Michael: Oh. Alright. There you go. Angela: No. You need to sign them all. Michael: No. No. No. Here is the deal--one signature for every song. Angela: Look, I hate to be “that” person but I just don’t like the general spirit of music. Michael: I know. I know, Angela. A lot of people doubted Cafe Disco at first but it is a magical place. You have to give it a chance. If these walls could talk they would say, “This is a magical place! You are safe here. We have talking walls. We’re not going to eat you.” [Angela shows Michael the papers again] Michael: No. Dwight: This is oil from the gland of an otter. It keeps their fur water resistant, as well as traps heat. Now I need you to lie still for an hour. Phyllis: An hour? I can’t stay here an hour. Dwight: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, girl. Whoa. Whoa. Creed: Boss, this used to hang from my windshield but it belongs in here. Michael: Hey, thank you, Creed. you’re really getting this place. Creed: No problem. I’ll just have no idea who’s driving behind me now. Dwight: I’m gonna with the python. Phyllis: But the rattler’s so scary. Dwight: No. Please. I find the rattle soothing. It puts me to sleep. Phyllis: I think Bob is gonna cheat on me with his new secretary. [she starts to giggle] Dwight: What’s so funny? Phyllis: When I say it out loud it’s so silly. [they both laugh] Michael: Hey! Hey! Angela, no! No cleaning up! Angela: You are forcing me to be down here. Am I not allowed to have some fun? Michael: No… cleaning… up. [waits outside the bathroom for Pam, he is holding a hand-picked bouquet of flowers and pacing] Jim: These are for you. Pam: They’re beautiful. Jim: You ready? Pam: Yeah. Jim: We should probably stop by. It’d mean a lot to him. Michael: Hey! Hey! Jim and Pam! Can you believe this? It’s really happening. Phyllis: Wanna dance, Dwight? Dwight: Ordinarily I would say no but you need to move to reduce lactic acid build-up. Also, this song is fantastic. Bob Vance: Mind if I steal my wife? Dwight: You can’t steal what is legally your property. Bob Vance: Are those staples? Andy: This dance competition is not over. Kelly: What dance competition? I was just dancin’ casual with my friends, y’all. Michael: You guys are the best for coming. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. I understand. Jim: We’re gonna stay. Michael: Really? Jim: Yeah. At least for one more dance. Michael: Oh, no. Not me. Not me. Get out of here. Cafe Disco! [Dwight hits Michael in ear] Michael: Hey! Come on, man. It’s not even to “Y”. Pam: This is so cheesy. Jim: Yes. Pam: I like cheesy. Jim: Me, too. Pam: Yeah. I think maybe I want a “wedding” wedding. Jim: Me, too. Pam: Really? Jim: Yeah. Michael: Would you like to dance? Angela: No. [camera pans to down to show her swinging her foot to the music] Andy: Yeah. No. Well, okay. Kelly: Stop squirming. Andy: Well, stop trying to poke me with a sharp thing. Kelly: You wanted to do this. Just be brave. Andy: I--I--but you’re not a professional and I’m thinking maybe we should have gone to a professional. Kelly: I’m doing it. No. I’m doing it for free. You have to stop squirming otherwise I’m gonna mess up. Andy: Are you sure that’s not the “gay” ear? Kelly: Gay ear? Are you 12 years old? Andy: Well, I… Kelly: Look, I’m gonna count to 3. Andy: Count to twen--count to twenty. Kelly: No. I’m gonna count to 3. Andy: Okay. Kelly: One. Two. Three. Andy: Ahh! Son of a bitch! Kelly: Andy, that was just the ice. Andy: It was? Kelly: Yeah. It was.