Mafia
Written By: Brent Forrester Directed By: David Rogers Transcribed By: Admin Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. “Mental” is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you’re mental, if you don’t have a good time. You have to enjoy it. Toby: Well, the “fun” is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement] Michael: Get out. Toby: [halfway out] Yeah, I know. Michael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can’t just go right to the selling, you need “small talk.” What topics can you use for small talk? Andy: Golf. Michael: Mm-hmm. Andy: Stock market. Michael: Mm-hmm. Andy: Dave Matthews. Michael: Yes, what else? Creed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes… Michael: No. Meredith: The weekend! Michael: Yeah! That’s good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let’s do a little something. So, Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, “So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?” Meredith: Well, I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. Michael: All right… Meredith: He calls it an upper decker. Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don’t know about business, I could fill a book with. Ryan: Then do it. Michael: What? Ryan: Write a book. Michael: [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I’m not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman… [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Erin: Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He’s the person you should talk to. Michael: Oh, hi. I’m sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you’re supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is? Erin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is “creative space” and I thought this could be part of that. Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon. Erin: You don’t have anything in the afternoon. It just says, “free play.” Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You’re seeing how the sausage gets made. Grotti: Ah. Michael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage. Grotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride. Michael: Mm-hmm. Grotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility. Michael: Yep. Grotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss. Michael: Okay. Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It’s like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player. Kevin: Jim’s gone on his honeymoon. So, I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks. Andy: What do you think? Dwight: I think you’re right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags. Grotti: God forbid you… should have a fire in the warehouse. Michael: Oh, yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up. Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there’s injury. Michael: Mm-hmm, I hear you. The truck. Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott. Michael: Okay, well. Grotti: I can be very, very persistent. Michael: Do your worst. [they shake hands] [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Michael: Oh, great. Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh? Michael: Mm-hmm. Andy: What happened in there? Michael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman. Dwight: Did he threaten you? Michael: No, Dwight, not everything is a threat. Andy: Mobsters are! Michael: There is no such things as monsters. Andy: He drives an SUV! Dwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space. Oscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I’m in the mob? Dwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster. Michael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance. Andy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it’s selling insurance, sometimes it’s waste management or sanitation. Oscar: For the record, not all Italian Americans are in the Mafia. Michael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance. Andy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I’ll burn your warehouse down! Dwight: Exactly. Michael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse… and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer. Oscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around] Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So, there’s not the usual balance between “sane and others.” Toby has mentally checked out since June. It’s a very dangerous time. The “coalition for reason” is extremely weak. Toby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head] Michael: [over chatter] Hey, hey, hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think? Ryan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as ‘The Mafia.’ Michael: Okay. Ryan: What you have are specific families. What’s the guy’s last name? Michael: Um it is, Grotti. Andy and Dwight: [groans] Oh, no. Fabulous. Oscar: What? What? Andy: It’s John Gotti, you idiot! Oscar: It’s, it’s a completely different name! Phyllis: So, he won’t get caught! Andy: Yeah. It’s pretty close. Oscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it. Dwight: No, I disagree. “R” is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it “murder.” And not “muck-duck.” Michael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences. Dwight: Lock your door! Michael: I’m not gonna lock my door. [door closes, then clicks locked] Jim: Hello? Oscar: Jim? It’s Oscar. I’m so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon. Jim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on? Oscar: It’s Michael, he thinks he’s being shaken down by the mob. I don’t know how you usually handle this. Jim: Look, We’re in Puerto Rico, so-- Pam: Hey Oscar. It’s Pam. Hey. We’re on our honeymoon. Oscar: Pam, I’m sorry-- Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us. Oscar: You’re right. You’re right. [Pam hangs up] Oscar: Oh, okay bye. Michael: It’s Grotti. He’s following up. Andy: Already? This, this guy is persistent! Michael: [reads email] “I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business.” Dwight: That’s bad. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: That’s bad. Michael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or? Andy: Yeah right! You heard him! He’s gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road. Michael: Okay, I’m calling the police. Andy: [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now! Dwight: He’s right. Cops can’t do anything until a crime has been reported. Michael: All right. Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed! Michael: Shh! Dwight: You know what? Michael: That’s not gonna happen. Dwight: That’s an exaggeration. Andy: That’s how it works! Michael: What am I supposed to do here? Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back. Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing. Dwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give ’em a taste of cat food pretty soon they’ll be back for the whole cat. Andy: Dwight… Dwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people. Michael: I don’t know, I don’t know about that. Andy: Wait let’s hear him out, this is interesting. Dwight: Here’s what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can’t be openly violent. Andy: Okay. Dwight: Let him know you’re not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you’re stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous. Andy: [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I’d like to officially withdraw my plan. Michael: Hold on, hold on! Just- Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way. Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I’m not going alone. Andy: Well, you’re gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight: We’ll be right beside you. Andy: What? [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] Michael: What are you wearing? Who’s Pat? Andy: Well, if I’m gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I’m a mechanic with a tire thing. Dwight: Do you know how to use it? Andy: To change tires, no. But it’s metal, I can hit somebody with it. Michael: Let’s go, come on. [whispers] God! Andy: Should I change? Dwight: You’re wearing loafers! Michael: Forget it! Forget it! [Andy plays with the tire iron at the table] Michael: Take that thing off the table! Please! Andy: Well then, I can’t use it. I’m just gonna hide it. Dwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel. Andy: Oh! God! [smacks roaches] Michael: Oh, my God! Dwight: You’ll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax-- Michael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is. Michael: Hello. Grotti: Mr. Scott. Michael: Mr. Grotti, we meet again. These are my associates. Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti. Andy: Hi. Dwight: Hello. Grotti: So, you got this table? Michael: Yes. Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can’t-decide-what-it-is type of thing. Michael: Well. Grotti: Waitress, we’re gonna sit over here. Waitress: That’s fine. Michael: Okay. Kevin: [answers phone] Hello. Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I’m calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We’ve detected some unusual activity on your credit card. Kevin: Oh, man, do you think it was stolen? Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address? Kevin: Um, yes. [looks at Jim’s pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA. Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number? Kevin: Six-six-five-zero. Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You’re obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico. Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes, I am. Rep: I’m going to go ahead and put a hold on your card. Kevin: No. That… I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. Rep: Very funny sir. We’ll get a new card out to you right away. Kevin: No-- Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you! Kevin: Shoot. Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy. Dwight: Oh, he’s not that nice. Michael: That’s not true. Andy: Hmm. Very true. Michael: Okay shut up. Waitress: Have you decided? Grotti: Yeah, I’ll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back. Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir? Michael: I will have the gabba-gool. Waitress: The… what? Michael: The gabba-gool. Waitress: I don’t really know what that is. Andy: [with Soprano’s inflection] You know, gabba-gool. Michael: I don’t, I don’t have to have that. Dwight: What he’s trying to say is, Gabba. Gool. Michael: Guys, guys-- Waitress: I don’t really think that we have that. Michael: That’s okay. Dwight: Bring him the gabba-gool! Michael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad. Waitress: Okay. Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back. Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim’s credit cards? Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone. Oscar: This constitutes identity fraud. Kevin: Oh, God. I wouldn’t last in jail Oscar. I’m not like you. Oscar: What’s that supposed to mean? Kevin: Oh, you don’t know about jail? Oh, you would love jail. Oscar: Why would I love jail? Kevin: Because… You would love it. Michael: I don’t think our company actually needs any more insurance. So, I am out. Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there’s a plan here for you. Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you? Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can’t happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it. Woman: [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic? Andy: Yeah. Woman: My battery is dead, I’ve got my kid, can you please help? Andy: Yes, I can. Michael: No, no, no, no. Come on. I’m sorry, we’re having our salad. Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go! Andy: Okay! Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Michael: Hey, do you need any help? Grotti: I’m sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down. Michael: He’s a good mechanic. Grotti: Where were we? Michael: I don’t… Dwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy. Michael: Okay, okay, okay. Dwight: So, we’re choosing… Michael: Yep, all right. Dwight: Check out Dental? Michael: Put it down. Andy: Black goes on the red. With the… If we… Positive… Mo- it being a motor drive, it’s probably down. Kid: He seems bad at this. Andy: You want to do this junior? I didn’t think so. Sorry. It’s kind of a long day at the… mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Andy: Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube. Woman: What?!? Andy: So, your car’s totalled. Uh, you’re just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He’s great. But uh, I can’t do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated] Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I’ll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] Grotti: You okay, Pat? Andy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn’t give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that’s what I’m afraid of. Grotti: Aren’t you a mechanic? Why wouldn’t you put oil in the car? Andy: It was before, my tech- my technical training. Dwight: Don’t do it! Andy: Do it. Dwight: Don’t. Andy: Just do it. Michael: Okay. Grotti: Look Mike, I don’t know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow? Dwight: Yes. Michael: Okay. Dwight: I don’t understand, why would you buy a policy? Michael: It’s just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour. Andy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I’m proud of you. Michael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight. Dwight: It wasn’t a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour. Michael: It was a lot of snap decisions. Dwight: Do you know what “snap decision” means? Michael: Yes! Dwight: It means like this. [snaps fingers] Michael: Just get in the car. Jim: Hello? Michael: Jim? Jim: Michael? Michael: Oh, thank God. Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we’re on a catamaran. Michael: It wasn’t easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, ‘cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I’m in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier. Jim: That sounds bad. Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I’m turning to you, my friend. Jim: I’m gonna help you through it all right? Michael: Okay! Jim: All you’re gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and--it--and then go to-- Michael: Jim? Are you? Jim: And then you’ll be saved. Michael: What? Wait, I didn’t hear a thing you just said. Jim: Just [drops] and then you’ll be saved. Michael: No! God! I missed--I missed the important part again! Jim: A--ah-- Michael: No! Oh, my God! Jim: And you’ll be saved. Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you’re saying! I can’t understand you! Jim: I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don’t call again. Michael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh, my God. Michael: Hey, uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can’t afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away? Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it. Michael: Oh, no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing? Oscar: Just--no. No. Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks. Dwight: We have let Michael down, and it’s 85 percent your fault. Andy: He’s alive. So, you’re welcome. Dwight: Not on the inside he’s not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job. Andy: Yeah, some of that existed before. Dwight: Not the living in fear, that’s new. Andy: You’re right, that is new. Dwight: Yes. He’s got to stand up to this mafia guy. Andy: Well, I don’t see that happening. Dwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy? Andy: Are you saying-- Dwight: Yeah… Andy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael’s brain? Dwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy’s not mafia! Andy: That seems a little far-fetched. Dwight: Well, more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened. Dwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean. Michael: No. He’s not. He’s just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don’t understand how this works. Andy: No, Michael. What we’re trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who’s a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean. Dwight: It’s true, he’s clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn’t on the take. Turns out he’s a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really. Andy: Class act. Boy scout. Michael: But Grotti acts like he’s mafia though. Andy: He’s trying to intimidate you to close sales. He’s just a pushy salesman. Dwight: And he made us all look like chumps! Michael: [grunts] Michael: If there is one thing, I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn’t tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden. Grotti: This is Grotti. Michael: This is Scott. Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I’m finishing up your paperwork right now. Michael: Oh, really? Is that supposed to scare me? Grotti: I--I thought you’d be pleased. Michael: Well, you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I’m actually kind of PO’d. Grotti: What? Michael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance. Grotti: I don’t get it. How was I scaring you? Michael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk. Andy: Whoa. Okay. Michael: You suck! Dwight: Okay, that’s-- Michael: And I’m not gonna buy your stupid insurance. Dwight: That’s good, let’s wrap it up. Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it? Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don’t you give me a call? Michael: Doubt it. [disconnects call] Dwight and Andy: [relaxing] Oh, man. Michael: What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What? Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you’re gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia! Michael: No. What do you mean? Dwight: We just told you he wasn’t mafia, so you wouldn’t be scared. Michael: What? Dwight: You successfully backed down the mob! Andy: You made the mafia apologise to you! You made the mafia be polite! Michael: Oh, man. I should be mad at you guys. But I’m not. Michael: So, I looked him in the eye and I said, “Not today Grotti, not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they’re already dead.” I said something like that. Dwight: Very close. Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg. Michael: Erin? Erin: Yes? Michael: Coffee? Erin: Okay. Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it’s not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Erin: Okay. Michael: Large. If it’s a medium I send it back. If it’s an extra-large I send it back. Erin: How do you return coffee? Michael: Go. Any questions? Pam: [on phone] Are you kidding me? Kevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there? Pam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can’t handle the fact that you’re calling us here! Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I’ll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi. Pam: Oh, I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority. Kevin: Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye. Kevin: They have no idea what happened.