Dwight Christmas
Written By: Robert Padnick Directed By: Charles McDougall Transcribed By: Admin Jim: [sighs] Oh, I'm having second thoughts about one of the shirts I packed. The blue one with the stripes. Pam: I'm sure it's fine. It's a blue shirt. Jim: Well, yeah, but I'm wondering if it's too blue. Like, am I making a statement with the blueness? Jim: I am leaving early today for Philly, because tomorrow is the first day of my new job. So, I figure I get in at 5:00, check in to a hotel about 6:00. So, I can get a real good night of restless sleep and nervous puking. Dwight: Uh, excuse me. Trying to get work done. Some people don't care about Jim's new sports job in Phila-whatever. Jim: So, you know my job has something to do with sports, but you don't know the end of the word "Philadelphia"? Dwight: Philadelphia. From the Greek philia, meaning "love," and adelph meaning “Adolf”. "The City that Loves Adolf." Good luck with your new enterprise. And don't wear the blue-striped shirt. It makes your neck look like an old mop handle. Jim: [looks to Pam] Pam: [nods head] Erin: Oh… Hey, guys, the Christmas party is today. Merry Christmas, everyone! Nellie: No. Is it? Erin: I mean, it says "X-mas Party," but I think we all know what that's code for. Kevin: So, we're not going to have a Christmas party this year? Angela, how could you do this to us? Angela: Oh, right. Like I'm responsible ‘cause I'm in charge of the Party Planning Committee. Kevin: Well, you are the one in charge of it. Angela: Don't blame me for something we all forgot. Oscar: Yeah, let's not blame her for something we all forgot. Oscar: I didn't realize how many of Angela's opinions I agreed with, until she tried to have my kneecap shattered for sleeping with her husband. She makes a lot of very sound points. Phyllis: I knew the party was today, but nobody asked me to plan it, so I didn't. Hmm, funny how that works. Meredith: [scoffs] We're out there, sweating our balls off every day, bustin’ our balls. We deserve a Christmas party. Nellie: Well, then, why don't we just get some liquor and those mini cupcakes? Kevin: Mini cupcakes? As in the mini version of regular cupcakes, which is already a mini version of cake? Honestly, where does it end with you people? Dwight: What about an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? Drink some gluhwein, enjoy some hasenpfeffer. Enjoy Christmas with Saint Nicholas' rural German companion, Belsnickel. Jim: Yes! That, that, that! We’re definitely doing that. Are we all in agreement? All: No. No! Jim: Done, right? All: No. Stanley: No, I want Tropical Christmas. Meredith: Topless Christmas. Creed: Tapas Swiss Miss! Creed: Spanish tapas and Swiss Miss hot cocoa--What's so hard to understand? Dwight: Or who was it that suggested an authentic Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas? I think it was someone really popular. Phyllis: We already said no. All: No, no, no. Meredith: Too weird. Dwight: This is me and my family celebrating Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas in 1982 on the farm. There's me and my brother Jeb breaking the ceremonial pig rib. He doesn't come back for Christmas anymore. The sepia tint is from an app on my phone. This is the same photo Matrix style. Jim: I'm not understanding the confusion. Am I the only one who wants to try hufflepuffs and schnauzer-hosen, and meet this Glen Pickle guy? Angela: [shrill whistle blows] Party Planning Committee, emergency meeting. Now. Pam: [Jim looks to Pam hopefully] I'm on it. Jim: Great. Pete: I'm just hoping German terrorists don't take over this Christmas party. Make me go all John McClane on their asses. Erin: Wait, German terrorists? That's oddly specific. And I think--I think you mean John McCain. Pete: Die Hard reference. Erin: I haven't seen it. Pete: You haven't seen Die Hard? Erin: [shaking head] Mm-hmm. Pete: Why haven't you seen Die Hard? Erin: I don't know, I just haven't! Kevin: Come on, you had to have at least seen some of it. Erin: No. Kevin: "Now, I have a machine gun. Ho, ho, ho.” Pete: [as Bruce Willis] "Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs." Erin: None of this makes any sense to me! Kevin: Oh, yeah, and when he takes the gun off his back, and he's like, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother--" Pete: Actually, he doesn't say that there. He says it earlier, when he's on the radio with Hans. Kevin: Yes, you are right. Forgive me. Pete: Oh, that's okay, bud. Kevin: Nope. Pete: Common mistake. Kevin: [annoyed] No, it's not. Erin: [pointing at Pete] Nerd! Do you know every line of the movie? Pete: My brother dared me to memorize it, and I did it, and I loved doing it. Erin: Okay, let's hear it. Pete: Hear what? Erin: Die Hard. Every line. Go. Pete: "You don't like flying, do you?" Erin: Don't change the subject. Pete: No, that's the— Erin: The movie is starting. Jim: We're thinking of collaborating with Mike Schmidt on some of his charity work. Stanley: I love Philly. Dirty town. Darryl: [walks up behind Jim and grabs his shoulders] Ah-ha-ha! Jim: Ohh. Darryl: Philly! Exciting stuff, man. Jim: Whoo! Darryl: So, are you sure you remembered everything for your trip? Jim: Yeah, I think so. Darryl: Think that through for a sec. Darryl: Yeah, Jim's going to Philly tomorrow. He said he was going to take me with him, but that was two months ago and I haven't heard anything since. I mean, he said that, right? Darryl: What else could you possibly be forgetting? Jim: Uh-- Darryl: Things? People? Jim: [chuckles nervously] Toby: Do you know who's not going to get to work on some exciting new startup this year? George Howard Skub, A.K.A the alleged Scranton Strangler. [Jim and Darryl slowly back out of the kitchen] Because he's in prison for something he may not have done. Nellie: I'm sorry, the—Uh, the Scranton who? [Creed gets up and leaves kitchen] Toby: The Scranton Strangler. George Howard Skub. Have I not told you about the jury I was on a couple of years ago? Nellie: [gasps] Oh, what happened? I mean, if you can talk about it, obviously. Because if you can't, I understand. [Stanley gets up to leave] Toby: I--I could--I could talk about it. Stanley: [to Nellie, as he leaves] See you next Christmas. Toby: I could, sure. Have a seat. I would start at the beginning, but I think I need to go farther back. Pam: We're the Party Planning Committee, and we did not get where we are by playing it safe. We got here by being risk-takers. And, yeah, Dwight's party is going to be terrible. Maybe. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's going to be great. And, if it's great… I think we all know what that would mean to us. Phyllis: Let's do it. Pam: Yes. Phyllis! Angela: No. I don't want my name attached to this party. Pam: What does that even mean? Where would your name appear? Angela: Please just take my name off of everything. Oscar: Just take her name off of everything! Pam: [clears throat] [announcing to office] The Party Planning Committee, minus Angela, has decided that we're all going to do Dwight's Christmas. Dwight: [jumps up triumphantly and claps hands] Yes! Yeah! Yeah! Okay! [high-fives Jim] Yes! It's a Christmas miracle! Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Pam: Dwight? Dwight: Yes. Pam: There is one rule that you need to take very seriously. Dwight: Uh-huh. Pam: And that is... Dwight: Uh-oh. Pam: That there are no rules. Dwight: [in hushed tone] You have never been cooler. [Jim clapping] Jim: Best Christmas ever. Pam: You're welcome. Jim: Thank you. Dwight: [playing horn] And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun! Meredith: Ugh. What is this stuff, lava? Dwight: That is gluhwein, otherwise known as "glow-wine," also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy! Pam: [looking at food on table] What is it? [Jim prods it with a fork] Don't touch it! Dwight: Somebody's found the Hog Maw! Pam: Oh! Dwight: What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog Maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it. Stanley: Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat. Dwight: It is stuffed pig stomach, and, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib. Jim: Can't wait. Meredith: Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine? Dwight: This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd's crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep faeces. Oscar: How would anyone even know-- Dwight: Have you ever tasted a shepherd's crook? Jim: I don't know. Is it what you expected? Pam: I feel like-- Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem. Jim: So happy right now. Dwight: [speaking German] Wait, what is that I hear? Someone on the roof? How strange. [blows out candle] Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump. [runs out of office smiling] Kevin: I wish my car had a bathroom. Pete: "Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that—” Erin: Eh. That wasn’t the line. I'm sorry, Pete. Pete: That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes. Erin: I don't know. This looks pretty legit. [cell phone chimes] Oh, my gosh. I just got an e-mail from Andy. That means they hit land. Erin: "What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw Life of Pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here awhile. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see Hobbit. Lates.” Pete: Hey. Everything okay? Erin: So, what comes next? Pete: Right, um, okay. So, he says, "After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--" Erin: We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense. Pete: Or we can just sit and talk, though. Erin: No. No more talking. It's movie time. Pete: I mean, are you sure--Um... Yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car. Erin: Oh, great. Great! So, we're watching Die Hard, now. Good! This is a good plan. Pete: Okay. Toby: [still talking to Nellie in kitchen] Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight. Kevin: [mouth full] I love this Hog Mama. Phyllis: Dwight said it's Hog "Maw." [Kevin spits out food onto plate] Kevin: What is maw?! Phyllis: It's the lining of the stomach of the— Dwight: [cackling] [entering office dress as Belsnickel] Oh… Dwight: [German accent] Judgement is nigh, for the Belsnickel ist I! Jim: Yes, he is finally nigh. Dwight: I am nigh! Dwight: Every year, my grandfather would dress up as Belsnickel at Christmas. He was… okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people are born to be bad? Well, I was born to be Belsnickel. Dwight: Ohh, Belsnickel has travelled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! Ohh… Too much strudel. [patting Stanley on stomach with bunch of sticks] Jim: So, he's kind of like Santa, except dirty and worse. Dwight; No! Much better-- No one fears Santa the way they fear Belsnickel! Jim: Wow. It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority. Pam: And the fear. Dwight: Yes, exactly! Phyllis: Come on, Dwight, you're making this up. Dwight: No… Oscar: This is a real thing. "Belsnickel is a crotchety fur-clad gift-giver, related to other companions of Saint Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany." Angela: Ah. Meredith: Wow. Dwight: Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some Democrat looks it up on Wikipedia? Oscar: "His partner, Zwarte Piet, or Black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colourful pantaloons and blackface." Stanley: Uh-uh. No, Dwight. No. Dwight: Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys! [pulls out cell phone and types text] [phone blips] [suspenseful music playing] Pete: Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy? Erin: Mm. Darryl: [drinks straight from the gluhwein bowl] Darryl: Jim, that guy. [scoffs] You got to stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy… What are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? [sighs] It's awful. Dwight: Take the bowl and pass it down. Phyllis: Thank you, Dwight. These are nice. Dwight: No, these are gift bowls. When you receive a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The Belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable. Jim: Oh, it's like naughty or nice. Dwight: No, impish or admirable. Jim: Quick question--do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list? Dwight: I decided earlier. Jim: Oh. Nice. Did you check that list? Dwight: Of course I checked it. Jim: But more than once? ‘Cause you could've made a mistake. Dwight: I checked it more than once. Jim: Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're going to find out who's-- Dwight: Impish or admirable. Jim: Damn. Dwight: Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here. I judge your year as… admirable. [Jim claps] There you are. [puts gift in bowl] Phyllis: Oh. What are these? Dwight: It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars. Phyllis: I'd rather have the bowl. Dwight: You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here. I judge your year… as impish. [smacks Oscar’s hand with bunch of sticks] Oscar: Ow! You hit people with that thing? Dwight: No, I'm carrying around a stick in order to look cool. Dwight: For the kinder. [Pam shoes camera the gift] Jim: Ooh. Pam: Mousetrap. Dwight: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa, every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel. Kevin: [giggling] [Dwight tapping Kevin with sticks] Jim: [to Pam] Oh, you know what? I gotta go. Dwight: [to Kevin] Stop giggling. Pam: Oh, really? Already? Jim: Yeah, it’s all right. Dwight: It's a punishment. Hey, where are you going? Jim: I have to go to Philly. But this was amazing. Okay? Dwight: But you work tomorrow. Jim: Yeah, I know, I'd like to settle in, get a good night's sleep. Dwight: But we were gonna break the pig rib. Jim: Ohh. Dwight: Remember? Jim: That’s right. Dwight: No matter! Belsnickel cares not about this--off with you! Jim: Perfect. Merry Christmas, everybody. Dwight: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't you want to know your present? Jim: You know what? Yeah. Have at it. Dwight: Jim Halpert, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here. I judge your year as impish. [smacks Jim on back with sticks] Jim: Ohh! Are you nuts? [smacks him again] Dwight: I judge you impish! Jim: Ow! Ow! Okay, that is three, and you didn't hit anybody that hard. Dwight: They're not abandoning the party. Jim: Just--Just--Hey! [shouts indistinctly] That's enough! I'm done! Okay? [Dwight continues to hit Jim] Dwight: Impish! Jim: Aah! Ow! Meredith: Belsnickel, I've got to run out early, too. [leans with palms against wall] All: [groan] Jim: [walking to cab with Pam] Oh… What was that? Now I'm going to be all whipped for my first day of work. God. Jim: [to cab driver] One second. Jim: Oh… Pam: Well… this is it. Jim: I'm probably never gonna see you again. Pam: Shut up. I'm trying to be serious. Jim: Okay, sorry, sorry. Pam: I can't believe this is actually happening. Jim: Listen, thank you so much for putting that all together. That was the perfect last Christmas party. All right, wish me luck? Pam: Okay. Good luck. You're gonna be great. Jim: I'll call you when I get in. Pam: Okay. Jim: All right. Pam: Love you. Jim: Love you. [laughter, indistinct chatter] [Dwight looking forlorn out window as Jim leaves in cab] [Dwight begins throwing out food into trash cans] [elevator bell dings] Pam: What's going on? Dwight: Party's over. You quit on Christmas, Christmas quits on you. And guess what, kids? Belsnickel isn't real. It's me. Dwight! Phyllis: We found some old decorations in the warehouse. Oscar ran to the store for some food and drink, and I dipped into my stash of eggnog. I guess they needed me after all. It's like in It's a Wonderful Life, when Jimmy Stewart realizes that all those people at the Building and Loan are just jerks and he was the real hero. [Kevin dressed as Santa, picks up Angela from table] Angela: Kevin. Kevin! Aah. Stop it! Nellie: [still in kitchen with Toby] Oh, it sounds like the party's starting up out there. Toby: Yeah. So anyway, the entire jury wants me to vote guilty. But that night, I did a little research on my own, and forget everything you thought you knew about fingerprinting. [Darryl sitting at his desk with bowl of gluhwein in front of him] Darryl: [drunkenly] Meredith is a little cute. I'm just realizing. She got, like, an Emma Stone thing. [Darry breakdancing near conference room, We Wish You a Merry Christmas playing] Darryl: Boo! [Dwight walks in looking downcast and sits at his desk] Pam: For what it's worth, I liked your party better. Dwight: Everyone thought the food was gross, and that Belsnickel was some darkly erotic freak. Pam: I don't think anyone thought that. Dwight: Jim couldn't even stay till the end of the party. Pam: Well, that didn't have anything to do with you. Dwight: I don't care. Guess how much I care on a scale of one to ten. Pam: Zero. Dwight: Damn it! [Darryl pouring alcohol into punchbowl] Darryl: I'm going to tell Jim to go [bleep] himself. [Die Hard playing] [Bruce Willis groaning] Erin: Do you think Andy would ever jump off an exploding building tied to a hose for me? Pete: Yeah. Definitely. [explosion, screams on TV] Erin: [sobs] Pete: Hey, what's--Oh, no, come here. [putting arm around Erin] Hey, hey. Come on, huh? Erin: I'm still Andy's girlfriend. Pete: Oh, yeah, of course. I know. Erin: But you can leave your arm. [Overlapping chatter] Pam: Dwight, want me to get you some eggnog? Dwight: No, thanks. I'll just have another Dumatril. Jim taught me this really cool way to take it. You crush it into a powder, and you snort it up your butt. Jim: Yep, I did say that. Pam: Jim! Jim: What's going on? Where's the Belsnickel? Pam: Oh--Oh, my God! [walking towards Jim for a hug, Dwight runs in and hugs Jim first] Jim: What are you doing? Last time I saw you, you were whipping me out of the building. Dwight: Shh. [putting his finger to Jim’s lips] Let's not speak of that. The pig rib! We can totally break the pig rib! I'm going to dig it out of the trash! [high-fives Jim] Pam: What happened? Did you miss your bus? Jim: No. I just missed my wife. Dwight: [holding up rib] I found it! Jim: And I found out that there's a bus at 5:00 AM. [all cheering and chanting while Dwight and Jim attempt to break the pig rib] Phyllis: Oh! [all groan as liquid from the pig rib splatters everyone] Dwight: Damn it! Jim got the bigger half. [pan to Darryl sitting in his office] Darryl: Back for more, huh? Jim: Nog it! Let me get some nog. [indistinct chatter] Jim: Thanks, Phyllis. Where’s Andy? [Darryl storms into conference room] Darryl: You! Jim: Oh, hey, man! Oh, you know what? Before I forget again, I talked to the guys about hiring you. They're gonna bring you in for an interview. [Darryl trying to compose himself] Darryl: That's great. Jim: Right? Darryl: Thanks, man. Jim: Yeah, of course. Darryl: I shall come by at your convenience. Jim: Thank you, Sir. Darry: Whoo! [spins around] Jim: Go get 'em! [Darryl falls onto table with food] All: [alarmed shouts] Dwight: Very impish. [Nellie leaning against refrigerator with hand to head looking frustrated] Toby: Two dimes, seven nickels—and one, well, okay. No, that doesn't add up. It was one quarter and— Nellie: Shh. [putting her fingers to Toby’s lips] Toby: What? I was just explaining— Nellie: Shh. [putting her fingers to Toby’s lips again] Toby: Why wouldn’t it-- Nellie: Shh. [putting her fingers to Toby’s lips again] Toby: But why? Nellie: Shh. No… More… Talking. Toby: Are you gonna kiss me? Nellie: [looking taken aback] Yes. [Nellie and Toby kiss]