A.A.R.M. (Part 2)
Written By: Brent Forrester Directed By: David Rogers Transcribed By: Admin Oscar: [holding Phillip] Listen, listen. Shh, buddy. Stanley's sleeping. You don't want to wake up the grumpy old walrus, do you? Stanley: I heard that. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Hey, you want me to take the little diaper blaster? Pam can attest, there's no one better at getting brats to shut their yaps. Pam: He does have a gift. Oscar: Well, he's calling for his mom, but, okay, here, here you go. Careful, he bites. Phillip: Mama. Dwight: Okay. [takes Phillip who immediately stops crying] You ever been in a manager's office before? Dwight: Phillip, you wanna play a little game? It's called "Schrute or Consequences." You're gonna choose one of these two things. A check for a million dollars, or this dirty old beet. Yuck, pew! Which will it be? Money or the beet? Phillip: Beet. Dwight: Yeah. Any ordinary child would have taken the money, but you're no ordinary child are you? No. I can tell by your gorgeous, widely-set eyes. Check-in guy: Sorry, folks, the judges are totally swamped. We are all done taking auditions. People in line: Oh, come on! Hey! Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what? Check-in guy: But thanks for coming out and be sure to watch America's Next A Cappella Sensa-- Andy: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that. You can't do that, we've all been waiting. Check-in guy: Okay. Andy: I am going in there! Don't-- Check-in guy: No, you're not, Sir. Andy: Don't--don't-- Check-in guy: Please don't. Andy: Don't touch me. Check-in guy: I'm not touching you. Okay? Andy: [Andy makes a break for it] Casey: Run, old man! Run! Run! Run for your life! Get off. Don't you dare. Don't get—I could see it. You were gonna get handsy with me. Not interested. I'm Casey Dean! You'll be seeing the last of me. Er, I meant you won't be seeing the last of me! Oscar: Hey. Did you manage to feed him? I don't know what it is. He just keeps spitting out the nipple. Dwight: That is because this baby is of superior intelligence. He can tell when he's being tricked out of the experience of a real human breast. Kevin: He's not that smart. He doesn't know where I hid his duck. [Andy interrupts contestant singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera] Andy: Hi. You're still here. Oh, thank God. Clay Aiken, Santigold, Aaron Rodgers. You're like, my three favorite people ever. Santigold: What is this? Andy: [shushing contestant] Sweetheart, you're amazing, okay? You're obviously gonna be on the show, so it's someone else's turn now. Yeah, go ahead. All right, [old man voice] my name is Ezra Cornell and I'm just a kindly old fellow with a song in my heart. Aaron Rodgers: No, you're a middle-aged man with a lot of makeup on. Andy: Busted. Yes, got it. All right. Tried to get your attention with tricks, but you just want to hear me sing, I respect that. Clay Aiken: No, we do not want to hear you sing. Santigold: Gabriella was our last audition. Thank you. Goodbye. Andy: Nope! Can't end like this. Slept in my car last night, quit my job, burned all my bridges. I went to the bathroom on my boss's car. And I did unspeakable things with Carla Fern. Aaron Rodgers: Flag on the play. Andy: That's--that's what--yeah. Okay, all right, well, here's the song. [singing] Far above Cayuga's waters, with her waves so blue, stands our noble alma mater-- Santigold: What is this song? Andy: Are you insane? It's the Cornell fight song. Clay Aiken: Listen, all right, thank you very much, we're not interested. Andy: You didn't let me finish. That's not fair. Aaron Rodgers: Look, man, you're not terrible. We've heard a lot of really good singers today and you're just not good enough. Andy: Wow, you guys are really mean. I guess that's the show. Let me try a different song, okay? Aaron Rodgers: Can he do this? Andy: [singing] Hey, hobo man, hey, dapper Dan, you both got your style, but, brother, you're never fully dressed without a smile. [falters at the judges' reactions] Yeah. Your clothes may be beau brummelly-- Santigold: Look, you gotta go. Andy: [Andy falls to his knees, sobbing] Santigold: You can't just sit here and cry. Andy: Oh, I can so just sit here and cry! Jim: [addressing camera after opening envelope on his desk] Thank you. Oscar: Hey, Kev, how you doing, buddy? Kevin: Can't hear you. I'm giving you the silence treatment. How does it feel being ignored? Oscar: Okay, I guess, it's just that Phillip got you something. Angela: Yeah, a $25 gift card, iTunes. Oscar: I think there's, like, $7 left. Angela: It's just his way of saying, "Thanks for letting me hang out in Accounting." Kevin: Phillip got this for me? Oscar: Sure. Kevin: That was a really cool move. Angela: Would you like to hold Phillip? [hands off Phillip] Yeah. That's Kevin. Kevin: Whoa. Oscar: Easy. Kevin: What a chubbers. Whoa. Angela: Okay, watch it. Kevin: I'm losing my balance. Angela: No, Kevin, no. Oscar: Hey, no. Kevin: Whoa! Oscar: No horseplay. Angela: Stop it. Kevin: You wanna play with the cactus? Angela: No, no! Kevin: So, me and Phillip were just talking and we decided we're gonna be best friends. He's a little standoffish at first. But once he starts buying you things, man, you can tell he likes you. Erin: We have our decision. Darryl: You chose one thing? Erin: We want to dance with you. Darryl: You want to dance? Erin: One dance, all of us together. Darryl: This is what you want? Erin: Absolutely. Darryl: Better get some decent speakers up here then, ‘cause we're gonna do this right. Erin: Yes! [Stanley, Creed, Meredith and Creed all cheer] Angela: Hey. You wanted to see me? Dwight: Door. Chair. It's about Phillip. Angela: I am sorry he's here today but I had-- Dwight: I believe that boy may be a Schrute. And if he is, that child needs to be accorded what is his. An enormous farm, an inheritance, and the right to be raised under rigorous Schrute traditions. You will, of course, be compensated with a marriage proposal. Angela: How thoughtful. Dwight: Then the two of you would move to my 1,600-acre estate, which, let's face it, is a big step up from living in a gay man's closet. Angela: If he is your son, that's a great plan. But he's not. He's not your son. Dwight: Very well. Angela: Can I go back to my desk now? Dwight: Yes. Pam: What is this? Jim: Well, I've been trying to tell you how I feel, and you wouldn't believe me, so [shows her DVD] I needed a little help. Dwight: Jim! I need my assistant to the regional manager. Code red. Jim: Okay, I don't have my pocket code chart on me, right now, so. Dwight: [throws "now" beanbag at Jim] Now. Jim: I have an assistant now, who can help you with whatever you need. He is lazy, so crack the whip. Dwight: Jim. I'm not kidding. I need you. Pam: Go ahead. Jim: Okay, um, this is... [leaves DVD with Pam] I'll be right back. Jim: What do we got? Dwight: I was thinking of proposing to Esther today. Jim: Wow! Congratulations, that's a really big step. Dwight: She's got a ton of great qualities. She's young, she's beautiful, genes so pure you could lick them. Her family admires me, my family tolerates hers. A lot of them are the same people because we're third cousins, which is great for bloodlines and isn't technically incest. Jim: Right in the sweet spot. I think you're gonna be really happy. Dwight: Plus, her dowry contains a walk-in freezer full of frozen, premium cattle sperm. Jim: [whistles] That's a lot of pros. Dwight: And did I mention that she weaves? Colorful, durable blankets and rugs! It all adds up. Jim: So, what is the problem? Dwight: Angela. [Pam hesitates but puts the DVD into the laptop to watch] Jim: I don't know what you want me to tell you, man. All I know is that every time I've been faced with a tough decision, there's only one thing that outweighs every other concern. One thing that will make you give up on everything you thought you knew, every instinct, every rational calculation. Dwight: Some sort of virus? Jim: Love. Dwight: Oh. [Pam starts the video; title screen reads "Beesly--You think I'll have regrets. I asked the doc crew to help me show you why I won't..."highlights of Pam and Jim from the documentary play over Snow Patrol's "Open Your Eyes"] Jim: Dwight, listen: no matter what happens, you gotta forget about all the other stuff. You gotta forget about logic and fear and doubt. You just gotta do everything you can to get to the one woman who's gonna make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump. You love Angela, Dwight. I think you always have. Dwight: You're a good assistant, Jim. Jim: Not as good as you. Dwight: That's very true. Get the hell outta here. Jim: You got it. Jim: You watched it. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Well, then I guess you're ready for this. [gives Pam the Christmas card] Pam: What's that? Jim: It's from the teapot. Everything you'll ever need to know is in that note. Pam: [Pam reads the card] Jim: Not enough for me? You are everything. Pam: Thank you. Erin: Okay, everybody ready? Phyllis: Hit it, red! ["Boogie Wonderland" by Earth Wind & Fire plays as Darryl dances with each member of the office] Darryl: I wanted to leave quietly. It seemed dignified. But having Kevin grind up on my front while Erin pretends to hump me from behind is a more accurate tribute to my years here. I'm gonna miss these guys. Oscar: Okay, I've got my-- Meredith: See you guys at Poor Richard's, all right? Oscar: All right, Meredith. Angela: Okay, bye. Oscar: See you there. Kevin: Bye, Phillip. High five. Oscar: Yay! I am gonna drop Phillip off at my mother's, and I'll meet you at Poor Richard's in an hour. Angela: Are you sure you don't want me to drop him off? Oscar: She doesn't know I'm living with a straight woman. I don't want to get her hopes up. Angela: All right. Bye, buddy. Bye, bye, bye! Oscar: Oh, my goodness. Dwight: [in bullhorn] Pull over! Angela: Dwight? Dwight: Move to the side of the road! Angela: Why? Dwight: Pull over! Angela: What do you--Dwight! Dwight: [Dwight cuts her off in his car, they pull over] Angela: [getting out of her car] Dwight! What the [bleep] is your problem! Dwight: [on bullhorn still] Shut up, woman! Angela: Who drives like that? Dwight: Listen to me! I love you! And I don't care that Phillip's not my son. I will raise 100 children with 100 of your lovers if it means that I can be with you! Angela: Can you put that down? Dwight: This expresses how loudly I love you. Angela: It's too loud. Dwight: [puts down bullhorn and kneels] This is a ring, taken from the buttocks of my grandmother, put there by the gangster patriarch of the Coors dynasty, melted in a foundry run by Mennonites. Angela: Okay, yes--yes, I will! [they kiss] I love you! Dwight: I love you! Angela: And I lied to you. Dwight: What? Angela: Phillip's your son. Dwight: What? Why would you say that— Angela: I just needed you to want to marry me because you wanted to marry me. Dwight: [excitedly] Get out! I'm a dad! Angela: You're a dad! Creed: Hey, grab a seat. We have that table and that table, but not that table or that table or that table. Floor's up for grabs. Meredith has been hogging the can. Dwight: [Dwight kisses Creed's head] Creed: Oh! Erin: You have to change the channel to PBS. Kevin: Yeah. Bartender: College baseball is on. Erin: But there's a documentary coming up. Everyone in the bar will love it. Bartender: What's it about? Erin: A paper company. Bartender: How many people want the game? [half the bar cheers] Bartender: Who wants PBS? [other half cheers] Bartender: Sorry. Tie means I do nothing. Kevin: Sir, please. This show is about me and my attempts to find love in all the wrong places. Andy: One more for the doc. [the office staff cheers] Bartender: All right. Kevin: Yes! Clark: Hey, how was the singing show audition? Andy: Oh. Eh, whatever. No big deal. Creed: Okay, thirty seconds to showtime! Kevin: I feel scared a little. Phyllis: Yeah, I'm not ready for this. Stanley: No one is ready for this. You can't be ready for this. We don't even know what this is. Oscar: One thing we do know, nothing will ever be the same. Jim: Here we go. [documentary starts with the first scene of "Pilot"]